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EPIGRAMS, 



ANCIENT AND MODERN. 



' Omne epigramma sit instar apis, sit aculeus illi, 
Sint sua mella, sit et corporis exigui.' 

F. C. KlSSENPFENNING (1656). 

' Three things must epigrams, like bees, have all : 
A sting and honey, and a body small.' 
Riley. 

' The qualities rare in a bee that we meet, 

In an epigram never should fail : 
The body should always be little and sweet, 
And a sti7ig should be left in its tail.' 



' An epigram should be, if right, 
Short, simple, pointed, keen, and bright, 

A lively little thing: 
Like wasp with taper body — bound 
By lines — not many — neat and rounc, 
All ending in a sting.'' 



EPIGRAMS, 



ANCIENT AND MODERN 



HUMOROUS, WITTY. SATIRICAL. MORAL. AND PANEGYRICAL. 



EDITED BY 



REV. JOHN BOOTH, B.A. 

CAMBRIDGE. 



SE COND THO USA XD. 



LONDON : 

LONGMANS, GREEN, AND CO. 

1865. 



*«* 



Trt t 



"5>^ 



LONDON 

PRINTED BY SPOTTISWOODE AND CO. 

NEW-STREET SQUARE 



Gift. 
? S '06 



WILLIAM ROBINSON, ESQ. 



THE PARK, CHELTENHAM, 



IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE MANY ACTS OF KINDNESS THAT 



HAVE MARKED A FRIENDSHIP EXTENDING 



OVER THIRTY-FIVE YEARS, 



THIS COLLECTION OF EPIGRAMS IS GRATEFCLLY DEDICATED 



THE EDITOR. 



PREFACE, 



From the present popular use of the word 
Epigram' we get but an imperfect idea of what the 
Greeks intended that term to express. Literally 
speaking, it means an Inscription, and was employed 
by them to indicate the eulogy which they usually 
inscribed upon their temples, statues, arches, monu- 
ments, or trophies. A simple monogram, a single 
hexameter verse, or an elegiac couplet, commonly 
expressed the object of the memorial. Brevity was 
the requirement, limited at most to a few lines ; 
and if those lines were of the most elegant, simple, 
concise, and polished kind, so much the more were 
they worthy of praise. From the very nature of 
the materials upon which such eulogy, or ' crowning 
feature of the object commemorated/ had to be 
engraven, the words of necessity were required to 
be few. And, inasmuch as they were intended to 



viii Preface. 

catch the eye, and awaken the attention of every 
passer-by, point and simplicity were aimed at in 
their construction. In course of time this species 
of composition which, perhaps, at first simply re- 
corded the name, character, or some striking action 
of the deceased, had a more extensive signification, 
and was applied by that remarkable people to every 
occasion and subject 

The Greek epigrams are said to be valuable as 
historical inscriptions, as contemporary records of 
public transactions ; many of them, as disclosing to 
us the still more interesting events of private life. 
In these evidently written from the heart, we have 
the loves and the enmities, the hopes and the dis- 
appointments, the joys and the sorrows, of that 
sensitive and intellectual people ; sometimes chain- 
ing us in astonishment by sublimity of thought, and 
sometimes subduing the heart by the most pathetic 
touches of tenderness. Their inscriptions are well 
calculated to enlarge the mind, to strengthen the 
judgment, and to refine the taste. 'They are 
the sole vehicles of her earliest history, the sole 
memorials of her honoured dead,' and are appealed 
to by later writers with all the confidence that sure 
indisputable testimony is calculated to inspire. 
They serve to chronicle each great event that in- 



Preface. 1X 

terested them, whether of a foreign or domestic 
character. ' Thus the history of an epoch is some- 
times contained in a few distichs, which are easily 
remembered and referred to without trouble.' 

The epigrams which have come down to us from 
a vast number of authors,* are justly distinguished 
for grandeur and nobleness of sentiment, and for the 
chaste and elegant language in which they are ex- 
pressed. Fine thoughts, conveyed in natural and 
beautiful attire, are to the man of refined and culti- 
vated taste an ample equivalent for the satire, or the 
wit, that are regarded as essential ingredients in a 
modern epigram. And we ought, moreover, to bear 
in mind that all that remain to us from that early 
period are but fragmentary productions of their lyric 
bards, and furnish perhaps but a sorry gauge of the 
salt and the smartness that may have marked their 
highest efforts in this branch of literature. A people 
so eminent in literature and the fine arts, as they are 
shown to have been, by the monuments which we 
possess, and which are still the confessed 'standardof 
excellence,' in the judgment of the most polished 
nations of modern times, would not, we may reason- 
ably conclude, have been inferior to any writers who 

* The Greek Anthology contains about 4,500 epigrams by about 300 
authors. — See Preface to Liddell and Scotfs Lexicon. 



x Preface. 

came after them in that kind of composition for which 
they have been considered by the French wits insipid 
and defective. It would be no difficult matter to se- 
lect a few Greek epigrams as virulently personal and 
stinging as any to be met with amongst our volatile 
neighbours ; but ' they are the rare exception to a 
very general rule,' and show that biting sarcasm and 
personal invective'were held in light esteem by that 
noble and illustrious nation. The Greek epigram- 
matists created, not the ideas which were common 
to them and to their audience, but the harmonious 
and appropriate language in which those ideas were 
conveyed ; and their gems, richly strewn over the 
pages of the Greek Anthology, are for the most part 
4 distinguished for their terse simplicity, for their 
liveliness without guile, and their pungency without 
intent to vex or offend.' * 

With the exception of Martial and Claudian, we 
have no one amongst the Roman poets of any 
great reputation as a writer of epigrams. Catullus 
has left us one or two which have been praised for 
their simplicity and delicacy of expression, and for 
their close imitation of the patterns of the Greeks ; 
and which, for these reasons, have obtained 
amongst good critics great praise and favour ; but 

* Quarterly Review, January 1865. 



Preface. xi 

his poems generally are justly reprobated for the vile 
and indecent thoughts that lie beneath this pretty 
outside covering ; and which render his verses un- 
wholesome to read, and totally unfit for translation. 
In the epigrams of Claudian, whose reputation for 
purity of language and real poetical genius is 
deservedly great, we have a certain smartness of 
wit, and that too in the most beautiful Latin phrase. 
There is no originality, if we except a few, but 
much of obscenity in those of Ausonius, whose 
reputation as a poet, but for his skill in versifi- 
cation, would not be of much account. 

Martial, on the contrary, has left us a great num- 
ber of epigrams, the creations of his own fertile 
imagination. Many of them refer to odious vices 
which in his time were common, and perhaps then 
little condemned, but which in modern days are 
unfit to be mentioned. In a considerable number 
of them he endeavours to give a sting to the last 
line or two ; and in some he succeeds in exciting 
our admiration at his power of ridicule, wit, irony, 
sagacity, good sense, and knowledge of the world ; 
but his thoughts are not always just, his humour 
often borders upon affectation, whilst his adulation 
of Domitian, one of the most execrable of the 
Roman Emperors, makes one blush for the depth 



xii P?-eface. 

of moral depravity into which our nature can 
descend. 

In our own day, and in our own language, an 
epigram is understood to mean a poem distin- 
guished for its fioifit, elegance and brevity ; confined 
to one principal thought or subject ; and so briefly 
and forcibly put, as to leave a sensible impression 
on the mind. A facetious application of an old 
proverb, or of some well-known passage of history 
or of ancient mythology, or the lucky application of 
a motto from a classical or modern author, are 
some of the requirements looked for in a modern 
epigram. If one striking thought be uniformly 
pursued to a point through the entire poem, it may 
justly, we think, be considered as an epigram though 
it be of some length. Harmony and smoothness 
of versification are essentially necessary to its suc- 
cess. In a word, the Moderns seem to follow the 
Romans, and are not satisfied if an epigram does 
not contain stinging personal satire, tickling humour 
or wit, so happily wrapped up as to create surprise, 
pleasure, or indignation in the mind of the reader. 

Though this definition confines the term epigram 
to a poem, and may therefore by some critics be 
considered defective, inasmuch as it originally 
meant an inscription, and its use was certainly not 



Preface. xiii 

restricted to verse, yet there is an obvious distinc- 
tion between what is epigrammatic and what is 
properly an epigram ; just as there is between a 
poem and what is poetic. To compensate how- 
ever for this deficiency, if such it be, the editor has 
subjoined a few of those epigrammatic sentiments 
which have obtained some degree of notoriety in 
the world. Every one will admit that this is an epi- 
gram : ' The blood of the Gracchi was the seed sown, 
and Marius was the fruit;' and that Canning uttered 
an epigram when he said of Addington's govern- 
ment, ' Every thing is at sea, but the fleet.' The 
same character may be claimed for Byron's remark, 
1 Dr. Polidori has no patients, for his patients 
are no more ; ' or Chamfort's division of man- 
kind into ' those who have more dinner than ap- 
petite, and those who have more appetite than 
dinner ;' or Heine's classification of all that is into 
' eatable and not eatable ; ' or Voltaire's definition 
when he said, ' the Frenchman was a cross between 
an ape and a tiger — tiger predominating;' or Burke's 
sneer that • Chatham's force was fancy, while his 
feebleness was ignorance ; ' or La Borde's answer to 
a coquette who told him he was the last man she 
would choose, that ' he was charmed, because his 
turn would come ; ' or Dean Swift's remark that ' the 



xiv Preface. 

reason why so few marriages are happy is because 
young ladies spend their time in making nets, not 
in making cages ; ' or Garrick's remark, when a bad 
farce called ' Fire and Water ' was offered him : 
6 1 know what will be the fate of this piece when 
acted ; for what can fire and water produce but a 
hiss ? ' Again, Milton's bitter taunt that ' James the 
First had at least one claim to the title of Solomon, 
that he was the son of David,' is an epigram; and 
also Lord John Russell's opinion of an Agricultural 
Jury, that c they are men whose intellects are as 
muddy as their roads, and their wills far more 
obstinate than those of the brutes they drive.' 
Macaulay's description of Bishop Atterbury's de- 
fence of the Letters of Phalaris, as ' the very best 
book ever written on the wrong side of a question, 
of both sides of which the writer was profoundly 
ignorant ; ' and Disraeli's remark when he wrote on 
the Duke of Newcastle, ' The house of Pelham has 
been distinguished for the last century by an in- 
capacity for statesmanship, and a genius for jobbing ;' 
and Jekyll's of a brewer drowned in his own vat, 
■ unwept he floats upon his watery bier ; ' are good 
pointed epigrams. Sayings of this kind too : ' Chas- 
tity is the honesty of women, and honesty is the 
chastity of men ; ' ' She lived happily with her hus- 



Preface. xv 

band from that time to his death, which happened 
shortly after ; ' ' My left hand knows not what my 
right hand gives.' ■ Possibly not, for your right 
hand gives nothing ; ' ' Women in possession of 
every thing to gratify reasonable desires, are apt to 
sigh for straws ; ' * There are no persons so solicitous 
about the preservation of rank, as those who have 
no rank at all \ ' ' A card-leaving ceremony is merely 
a deposit of crocodile's eggs \ ' ' If we are not to 
oblige one another, life becomes a paltry selfish 
affair — a pitiful morsel in a corner ' — are true epi- 
grams. These, with ten thousand other similar 
saws which may be culled from the prose writings 
of Bacon, Barrow, Pope, Byron, Seneca, Tacitus, 
Boethius, Douglas Jerrold, Charles Lamb, and 
numberless other eminent authors, need only to be 
tricked out in verse to be acknowledged as genuine 
epigrams. Again, it is no unusual thing to meet 
with epigrams within a poem which, in itself, is 
not one ; as, for example, in Rochester's reply to 
Scrope the last four lines are a real epigram : 

6 Half- witty, and half-mad, and scarce half-brave, 
Half-honest (which is very much a knave) : 
Made up of all these halves, thou canst not pass 
For anything entirely but an ass? 



xvi Preface. 

In that justly famous and imperishable produc- 
tion, Hudibras, Butler, in exposing the cant and 
hypocrisy of the men of his time and their deeds, 
has combined a series of epigrams, ' each funnier, 
absurder, and more pointed than the rest.' It 
would be an easy task to extract from Dryden's 
greatest poems, Absalo?n and Achitophel and the 
Hind and Panther, 'distichs and quatrains which 
are perfect epigrams ; and what are the last seventy 
lines of the first of Pope's Moral Epistles but a 
string of epigrams on that abandoned profligate, 
Philip, Duke of Wharton, and other well-known 
characters of the day'? So, too, there may be 
detached from the comic ballads of that greatest 
of punsters, Hood, verses which are verily neither 
more or less than epigrams. Take the two fol- 
lowing : 

' That picture-raffles will conduce to nourish 
Design, or cause good colouring to nourish, 
Admits of logic-chopping and wise sawing ; 
But surely lotteries encourage drawing.' 

' A mechanic his labour will discard, 
If the rate of his pay he dislikes : 

But a clock — and its case is uncommonly hard- 
Will continue to work though it strikes.' 

It has been well and justly said, in the teeth ofl 



Preface. xvii 

the railing accusations nowadays blurted forth by 
the 'ignobile vulgus' against the study of the 
Classics, that the man who devotes himself to 
English literature without the lights of classical 
learning loses half the charms of its sentiments 
and style, of its force and feelings, of its delicate 
touches, of its delightful allusions and illustrative 
associations. 

Who that meditates over the strains of Milton 
does not feel that his magnificent mind was lighted 
by coals from ancient altars % Who that reads the 
poetry of Gray does not feel that it is the refinement 
of classical taste which gives such inexpressible 
vividness and transparency to his diction ? What 
smdent of Dryden and Pope does not recognise in 
them the disciples of a school, whose genius was 
inflamed by the heroic verse, the terse satire, and 
the playful wit of antiquity % It is, then, but telling 
the bare truth when we affirm that many finished 
and perfected conceits, many charming sententious 
passages in Chaucer, Spenser, Jonson, Shakspeare, 
and others of our noble writers are, in fact, but a 
reproduction in another form and polish of rich 
gems acquired, consciously or unconsciously, from 
ancient treasure-houses, ever and anon recalling to 
the mind their Greek and Latin parallels. 



xviii Preface. 

No one can doubt that the epigram may be 
turned to an admirable use in correcting offences 
against good sense and good manners, by ridiculing 
vanity, pride, arrogance, impertinence, affectation, 
or vulgarity of behaviour; but it has altogether 
passed its legitimate bounds, when its satire or 
point is aimed at natural defects, or at anything 
that is stamped with the Divine approval. 

The collection of epigrams now offered to the 
public consists of translations of a select few from 
the Greek Anthology and from Latin authors, 
ancient and modern. English versions of German, 
French, Spanish, Italian, and other continental 
authors who have indulged their fancies in such 
witty conceits, have received the attention they 
justly merited, and from such sources many have 
been included in the work. It also embraces a great 
number of those which were written by our own 
eminent poets who, though not devoting much of 
their time to this kind of writing, still amused and 
occupied themselves occasionally with such compo- 
sitions, seemingly suggested by some passing event, 
or some eccentric personage, who may, perhaps, 
have caused offence, or given rise to merry thoughts. 
Selections have been made from periodical and 
ephemeral publications of ' the olden time,' or of 



Preface. xix 

recent date, in which such morceaux piquants were 
likely to be found. The reader, too, will discover 
some epigrams which are not to be met with in any- 
printed book or miscellany. In a work of this 
nature, it was necessary to set some limits to the 
field from whence the materials of its subject 
matter were to be collected. Had the range been 
extended, and the poetic treasure-houses of the 
East been ransacked, doubtless many a precious 
gem might have been gathered in, and the volume 
richly illumined. Take the following, in confirma- 
tion of this remark, as specimens in translation : 

FROM THE ARABIC. 

£ When I sent you my melons, you cried out with scorn, 
" They ought to be heavy, and wrinkled, and yellow ; " 

When goffered myself, whom those graces adorn, 
You flouted and called me an ugly old fellow.' 

FROM THE PERSIAN. 

6 On parent knees a naked new-born child 

Weeping thou sat'st, while all around thee smiled. 

So live, that, sinking in thy last long sleep, 

Calm thou mayst smile, while all around thee weep.' 

Sir W. Jones. 



xx Preface. 

The part devoted to Monumental Epigrams in the 
first edition has been advisedly omitted. A few 
Mock Epitaphs will be found, however, interspersed 
amongst the pages of the present edition. With all 
its faults and omissions, the editor hopes that as 
the tastes and understandings of men vary as much 
as their faces, there will be found in the present 
volume, altered and improved as he trusts it now 
is, materials enough to occupy and enliven the 
vacant hour, and it may be, help to drive ' dull care 
away.' 

It now remains for him in concluding these 
remarks to say, that it has been his earnest endea- 
vour to profit by the lavish amount of criticism with 
which his Collection of Epigrams was happily 
ushered into public acceptance, and that having re- 
arranged them, and well weeded the work, observing 
to the extent of his ability a chronological arrange- 
ment of its contents, and amplifying the Notes 
wherever this appeared to be necessary, as well as 
adding a great number of fresh epigrams from a 
variety of sources, the editor trusts that the manifold 
defects which disfigured his first edition have now 
been atoned for. With all its faults, that edition was 
not suffered to encumber the publisher's shelves for 
any great length of time ; and the reasonable in- 



Preface. xxi 

ference from this fact is that the book was wanted, 
the cynical barkings of some of its reviewers to the 
contrary notwithstanding. And here let him record 
his warmest acknowledgements for the many hints 
and suggestions which the first edition elicited from 
many distinguished reviewers. 

It is always a pleasing duty to acknowledge 
efforts that point to our improvement ; and it would 
be ungrateful not to profit by them. It is now left 
to the decision of those critics who have been 
somewhat lavish of the vinegar in their ink, to say 
whether their strictures have been turned to a 
desirable account. Should such be the verdict, the 
sting of past invective will be forgotten in the 
recognition of a more extensive patronage. 



J. Booth. 



Bromyard : 

September 1865, 



CONTENTS. 



SECTION I. 

A 

Epigrams from the Greek Anthology, and 
from the Latin Authors, Martial, 
Catullus, Claudian, and Ausonius . i 

SECTION II. 

By English Authors (known and un- 
known) of the Sixteenth, Seventeenh 
and Eighteenth Centuries . -39 

SECTION III. 

From modern Latin, French, Spanish, 
Italian, and German Writers ; with 
Introductory Remarks . . . .145 

SECTION IV. 

Br English Authors of the Eighteenth * 
and Nineteenth Centuries . . .215 



INDEX OF AUTHORS. 



Addison, 32, 33, 73 
Adventurer, from the, 19, 20 
Alabaster, Dr., 171 
Aldrich, Dean, 77 
Anson, Hon. T., 304 
Arbuthnot, Dr., 61 
Atterbury, Bishop, 76 



B 

Barham, Rev. R. H. , 284, 309 

Bastard, Thos., Esq., 95 

Baxter, Wm., 4 

Bent ley's Miscellany, 307 

Blackburn, Archdeacon, 298 

Blackwood's Magazine, 122, 135 

Bland, 4, 6, 7, n, 12, 15, 197 

Blessington, Countess, 271 

Booth, George, 10 

Boulton, M. P., 303 

Bouquet, 22, 27 

Bourne, Vincent, 173, 174 

Bowles, Lisle, 108 

Bowyer, 70 

Brougham, Lord, 251 

Brown, SirWm., 105 



Brown, T., 58 

Buchanan, 169, 170 

Budget, Eustace, 76 

Burgon, J. W. Rev., 11 

Burns, Rob., 137,138, 139, 228, 229 

Byrom, Dr., 86, 97 

Byron, Lord, 249, 260, 266, 267 



Campbell, Thos., 269 

Canning, Rt. Hon. Geo., 121, 256. 

257 
Carey, Mrs., 281 
Chesterfield, Earl of, 81 
Cheyney, Dr., 115 
Churchill, Charles, 52 
Clarke, 80 

Coleridge, S. Taylor, 269, 270, 271 
Collins, Rev. W. L., 318 
Cowley, 25 
Cowper, Wm., 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 13, 17, 

23, 123, 136, 166, 191, 219 
Croke, Sir A., 3 
Croker, T. W., 309 
Cumberland, Richard, 144 

D 

Davies, Sir John, 42 
Denman, Lord Chief Justice, 4 

b 



XXVI 



Index of Authors. 



Doddridge, Dr., 102 

Dodwell, E., 16 

Donne, Dr., 52 

Draper, Rev. W. H., 173, 18 

318, 320, 323 
Dryden, 9, 51, 53, 83, 243 
Duncan, P. R., 303 



Editor, Gentleman 's Magazine , 

3p4 
Elliott, Ebenezer, 296 
Erskine, Lord Chancellor,'23o, 231, 

255, 272 
Evans, Dr. , 74 



Fletcher, 31 

Fox, Rt. Hon. C. J., 217 

French Authors, from page 183 to 

page 206 
Frere, B., 232 



Garrick, David, 108, 109, no, in, 

112 
Gay, 74 
German Authors, from page 210 

to page 213 
Goldsmith, Oliver, 33 , 326 
Graves, Rev. R., 23, 27 
Greek A?ithoIogy, from page 2 to 

page 20 
Green Book (Dublin, 1845^, 310 
Groves, Rev. Mr., 132 
Gurney, Hudson, 303 



H 

Hackett. 7 

Halhed, N. B., 25,28 

Halifax, Earl of, 63 



Harrington, Dr. , 240 
Harrington, Sir John, 22, 26, 43, 

44,45 
Hastings, Warren, 224 
Hay, 21, 22, 24, 26, 28, 29, 30. 32 
Hayman, 47, 48 
Heath, 42 
Heber, Bishop, 254 
Henly, 63 

Herbert, George, 143 
Herri ck, 47, 48, 49, 50 
Heywood, J., 41 
Hill, Aaron, 78, 79 
Hill, Rev. H. T., 319 
Hill, Sir John, 112 
Hoadley, Dr., 27 
Hodgson, Francis, 10, 23, 30 
Holland, Lord, 313 
Home, J., 250 

Hook, Theodore, 257,258,259 
Home, Bishop, 114 

I 
Italian Authors, from page 206 to 
page 210 



Jeffrey, Lord, 302, 303 

Jekyll, 272, 273, 281 

Jenner, Dr., 252 

Jermyn, E., 179 

Johnson, Dr., 103, 107, 128 

Jonson, Ben., 29, 45, 46, 47, 190 



Lamb, Charles, 174, 224, 268 

Landor, W. S., 285, 323 

Latin Authors, from page 20 to 

page 39 
Latin, Modern, from page 148 to 

page 180 
Leader, from the, 312 
Lyttelton, Lord. 79* 141 



Index of Authors. 



XXVI 1 



M 

Macgregor, Major, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 

12, 13, 17, iS 
ManseU, Prof H. L., 315. 316 
Martin, Theodore, 20 
Marvel, Andrew, 53 
Merivale, J. H. Rev., 3, 14. 17, 

18 
Mirror, from the, 311 
Montgomery, James, 209 
Moore, Thos., 262, 263, 301 
More, Sir Thos., 162 
Morning- Chronicle, from, 226, 

227, 245, 246 
Muirhead, J. P. Rev., 303, 304 



N 

Napier, Colonel, 300 

Napleton, Rev. J. C, 166, 317, 

321 
N eaves. Lord Charles, 161, 167, 

184, 199, 201, 202, 203, 204, 205, 

211, 282, 298 
North British Review, from, 57, 

75l 165, 193, 194, 195 

Xotes and Queries, from, 38, 169, 
3 J 4i 319, 320 

Nugent, Lord, 27, 267 



O 

Onslow, Rev. Phipps, 34, 35, 36, 

3j. 168, 1S6, 189, 209, 212 
Oxford, Bishop of, 302 



Paine, Tom, 122 
Palmerston, Lord, 294 
Paterson. 172 

Pindar, Perer Wolcctt, Dr. . 100, 
XI 7- 135, 237 



Piozzi, Mrs. (Thrale, Mrs/, 206 
Pope, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 123, 185 
Porson, 129, 244, 245, 246 
Praed, M., 295 
Prior, 71, 72, 73 
Pyne, 52 



R 

Ramsay, Allan, 63 

Redding. Cyrus, 26 
I Relph, 81 

Reviewer, Quarterly (1865;, 150, 
151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156, 157, 
158, 159, 160, 161, 162, 164 

Rochester, Lord, 54 

Rogers, Sam., 261 

Rose, Sir George, 273, 274, 282, 28 
. Russell, George, 152 
\ Russell, T., 313 



; Salvaggi, 51 

Sannazaro, from Latin of, 18, I4S 

Saxe, J. C, 314 
; Scott, Dr., 320 

Scott, Rev. Mr., 30 

Sedlev, Sir Charles, 20, 24. r : 
82 

Shakspeare, 114 

Shepherd, Wm. , 8 

Sheridan, R. B., 230, 239 

Simpson, Richard, 155, 156, 163 
188, 190, 213, 214, 313 

Sligo, Lord, 260 

Smith, Professor Goldwin, 10 

Smith, Horace, 256 

Smith, James, 255, 274 

Smith, Sydney, 257, 299 

Sneyd, 261 

Spanish Authors, from page 213 t 
page 215 

Suckling, Sir John. 56 



XXV111 



Index of Authors. 



Swift, Dean, 23, 64, 65, 66, 67, ( 

69, 85, 124, 184 
Swift, E. L.,16 



Tate, Nicholas, 74 
Taylor. Jeremy, 27 
Thackeray, W. M. , 285, 286, 287 
Thurlow, Lord Chancellor, 297 
Trapp, Dr. , 105 
Turner, B. N. , 308 



W 

Walpole, Horace, 79. 142 
Walsh, 32 



Wedgwood, 297 

Wellesley, Rev. Dr., 3, 5, 6, 8, 14, 

J 7 
Wesley, S., 104 
Westminster Review, from, 24 
Wharton, Dr., 142 
"Wharton, T., 143 
Williams, Sir Charles Hanbury, 

100, 127 
Wrangham, Archdeacon, 304 
Wynter, Dr., 115 



Young, Dr., 103, 126 



EPIGRAMS, 

ANCIENT AND MODERN. 



SECTION I. 

From the Greek Anthology^ 1 ) and from Latin 
Authors, Catullus, Martial, Claudian, 

and Ausonius. 



SECTION I. 



From the Greek Anthology. 

i 

{Plato. Jac. b. ix. ep. 44.) 

A man found a treasure ; and what's very strange, 
Running off with the cash, left a rope in exchange : 
The poor owner, at missing his gold, full of grief, 
Hung himself with the rope which was left by the thief. 

Sir A . Croke. 
2 

Xicarchus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 118.) 

The physician, who killed me, 
Neither bled, purged, nor pilled me, 
Nor counted my pulse ; but it comes to the same : 
In the height of my fever, I died of his name. 

Dr. H. Wellesley. 

3 

Xicarchus, Jac. b. xi. ep. 186.) 

'T is said that certain death awaits 

The raven's nightly cry ; 
But at the sound of Cymon's voice 

The very ravens die. 

J. H. Merivale. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



4 
A Cure for Love. 

(Crates, tile Theban. Jac. b. ix. ep. 497.) 

Fasting, or length of time, love's fires will chill ; 
If that won't do the work, a halter will. 

W. Baxter. 

5 

(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 430.) 

If beards long and bushy true wisdom denote, 
Then Plato must bow to a hairy he goat. 

Lord Chief Justice Dentnan. 

6 

To an Idle Servant. 

(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 431.) 

You feed so fast, and run so very slow : 

Eat with your legs, and with your grinders go. 

Bland. 

7 

(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 401.) 

A Doctor, fond of letters, once agreed 
Beneath my care his son should learn to read. 
The lad soon knew ' Achilles' wrath ' to sing, 
And said by heart, ' To Greece the direful spring.' 
' 'T is quite enough, my dear,' the parent said ; 
i For too much learning may confuse your head: 
That wrath which hurls to Pluto's gloomy reign, 
Go, tell your tutor, I can best explain.' 

Bland. 



From the Greek Anthology. 



8 

(Palladas. Jac. b. xi. ep. 273.) 

If the outward form's akin 
To the nature that's within, 
By your limping foot we learn 
Your intellect's a lame concern. 



H. w. 



9 

Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 310.) 

Hair, wax, rouge, honey, teeth you buy, 

A multifarious store. 
A mask at once would all supply, 

Nor would it cost you more. 

W. Coivper. 

IO 

(Demodocus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 237.) 

A viper stung a Cappadocian's hide ; 

And poisoned by his blood, that instant died.( 2 ) 

11 

(Palladas. Jac. b. xi. ep. 387.) 

One dinner's thought enough ; but when I've dined with 

Salaminus, 
I dine again at home, or else I find that I am minus. 

h. w. 
12 

(Pollianus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 127.) 

Some Furies sure possessed the Nine, what time 
They dubbed thee poet with thy trashy rhyme. 
Scribble away ; if madness be a curse, 
What greater can I wish thee than thy verse ? 

H. IV. 



Epigrams y Ancient and Modem. 



13 

(Lucillius.) 

Far happier are the dead, methinks, than they 
Who look for death, and fear it every day. 

W. Coivpcr 
(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 208.) 

Eutychides was no swift runner ; true ; 
But as a diner-out, you'd say he flew. 



H. IV. 



15 

(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 76.) 

Heavens, what a nose ! Forbear to look 
Whene'er you drink, in fount or brook : 
For, as the fair Narcissus died, 
When hanging o'er a fountain's side, 
You, too, the limpid water quaffing, 
May die, my worthy Sir, with laughing. 



Bland. 



16 
(Ammianus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 156.) 

You think, old fellow, that a beard is wise, 
And therefore nourish it, a flap for flies ; 
Come ! be advised, and clip it, neat and nice ; 
Beards less betoken wisdom than breed lice. 

Major Macgregor. 

17 

(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 391.) 

A miser, traversing his house, 
Espied, unusual there, a mouse : 
And thus his uninvited guest 
Briskly inquisitive address'd : 



From the Greek Anthology. 



1 Tell me, my dear, to what cause is it, 

I owe this unexpected visit ?' 

The mouse her host obliquely eyed, 

And, smiling, pleasantly replied : 

' Fear not, good fellow, for your hoard ; 

I came to lodge, and not to board.' 

W. Cowper. 

18 

(Palladas. Jac. b. xi. ep. 281.) 

When Magnus sought the realms of night, 
Grim Pluto trembled for his right. 
' That fellow comes/ he said, ' 't is plain, 
To call my ghosts to life again.' 

B. 

Parody from the same on Dr. Mead. 

When Mead reached the Styx, Pluto started and said : 
i Confound him ! he's come to recover the dead. 5 

Anon, translation from Lessing. 

To the Author of an Epitaph on Mead.i^) 

Mead's not dead then, you say ; only sleeping a little ; 

Why, egad ! Sir, you 've hit it off to a tittle ; 

Yet, friend, his awaking I very much doubt ; 

Pluto knows who he 's got and will ne'er let him out. 

Hackett. 
(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 215.) 

Though Eutychus the painter have of children twenty 

got, 
Even in one of all the score we trace his likeness not. 

R. G. M. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



20 

(Palladas. Jac. b. ix. ep. 530.) 

Fortune advanced thee in thine own despite, 

To prove how boundless, e'en on such, her might ! 



R. G. M. 



21 

(Nicarchus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 170.) 

The dying miser wept not life to end, 
But on his funeral so much to spend. 



R. G. M. 



22 
Jac. b. xi. ep. 250.) 

The likeness, hang the artist ! is so true, 
Instead of one fat brute, we now see two. 

H. IV. 

23 

On M. P. Cato> the Roman Censor, circa 187 B.C.( 4 ) 

(Jac. App. 309.) 

Red-hair'd, foul-tongued, gray- eyed, not e'en in Hell 
Will Porcius be allow'd, though dead, to dwell. 

R. G. M. 
24 
(Jac. b. xi. ep. 125.) 

A sexton and a grave physician 

Once made a gainful coalition : 

The sexton gave his friend the garment 

Of each corpse brought him for interment : 

The doctor all his patients hurried 

Off to the sexton to be buried. 

IV. Shepperd. 



From the Greek Anthology. 



(Lucillius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 159.) 

The astrologers did all alike presage 
My uncle's dying in extreme old age : 
One only disagreed : but he was wise 
And spoke not till he heard the funeral cries. 

iv. c. 

26 

(Jac. b. xi. ep. 168.) 

They call thee rich ; I deem thee poor. 
Since, if thou darest not use thy store, 
But savest it only for thine heirs, 
The treasure is not thine, but theirs. 

Coiuper. 
27 

On Plutarch. 

;Agathias. Planudean. Jac. b. i. ep. 331.) 

Chaeronean Plutarch ! to thy deathless praise 
Does martial Rome this grateful statue raise, 
Because both Greece and she thy fame have shared, 
Their heroes written and their lives compared. 
But thou thyself couldst never write thy own — 
Their lives have parallels, but thine has none. 

Dry den. 
28 
(Agathias. Jac. b. xi. ep. 408.) 

You dye your head, old age you cannct dye, 

Nor lay the wrinkles of those wan cheeks by ; 

Plaster not thus the paint o'er all your face, 

Till less a mortal there than mask we trace ; 

Cease the vain hope ! Though paints and washes aid, 

A Helen ne'er from Hecuba was made. 

R. G. M. 



io Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

(Apollinarius. Jac. b. xi. ep. 421. 1 

Speak ill of me, when absent, nought I heed ; 
But well, when present, then you harm indeed. 

R. G. M. 

(Jac. b. ix. ep. 498.) 

O bury not the dead, but let him lie 

A prey for dogs beneath th' unpitying sky ! 

Our common mother, Earth, would grieve to hide 

The hateful body of the matricide. 

F. Hodgson. 
31 
(Evenus. Jac. App. 24.) 

With wisdom, daring is great gain : 
Without, it brings disgrace and bane, 

Goldivin Smith. 
32 
(Lucian. Jac. b. x. ep. 28.) 

Short to the happy life's whole span appears, 
But to the wretch one night is endless years. 

G. Booth. 

33 

Luciati imitated. On a Column erected in a Field that 

had been often bought and sold. 

(Jac. b. ix. ep. 74.) 

I, whom thou see'st begirt with towering oaks, 
Was once the property of John O'Stokes: 
On him prosperity no longer smiles, 
And now I feed the flocks of John O'Stiles. 
My former master call'd me by his name ; 
My present owner fondly does the same: 



From the Greek Anthology. 1 1 

While I, alike unworthy of their cares, 
Quick pass to captors, purchasers, or heirs. 
Let no one henceforth take me for his own, 
For Fortune, Fortune ! I am thine alone. ( 5 ) 

34 

(Archias. Jac. b. ix. ep. in.) 

Thracians, who howl around an infant's birth, 

And give the funeral hour to songs and mirth, 

Well in your grief and gladness are express'd 

That life is labour, and that death is rest. 

Bland. 

35 

(Hedylus. Jac. b. xi. ep. 414.) 

While on soft beds your pillowed limbs recline, 
Dissolved by Bacchus and the Queen of Love, 

Remember, Gout's a daughter of that line, 
And she'll dissolve them soon, my friend, by Jove, 

Bland, 

36 

(M. Argentarius. Jac. b. v ep. 113.) 

Rich, thou hadst many lovers ; poor, hast none ; 

So surely want extinguishes the flame. 
And she, who called thee once her pretty one, 

And her Adonis, now inquires thy name — 
' Where wast thou born, Sosicrates ? and where, 

In what strange country, can thy parents live ? 
Who seem'st, by thy complaints, not yet aware, 

That want 's a crime no woman can forgive.' 

W. Cowper. 

37 

(Lucian. Jac. b. x. ep. 27.) 

Man may not see thee do an impious deed ; 
But God thy very inmost thoughts can read. 

J. W. Burgon. 



12 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

33 

(Lucian. Jac. b. x. ep. 42.) 

From vain rash speech thy tongue let silence hold, 
A watch o'er words is better than o'er gold. 

Major Macgregor. 

39 

(Palladas. Jac. bk. x. ep. 85.) 

Death dogs us all : we 're fatten'd, as a flock 
Of swine, in turn for slaughter on the block. 

Major M. 

40 
(Simonides. Jac. b. x. ep. 105.) 

My foe, since I am dead, rejoiceth: o'er him yet 
Another shall rejoice: to Death we 're all in debt. 

Major M. 

Inscription for a Drinking Cup.( G ) 

There 's many a slip 
'Twixt the cup and the lip. 



42 

(Agathias. Jac. b. x. ep. 69.) 

Why fear ye death, the parent of repose, 
Who numbs the sense of penury and pain ? 

He comes but only once, nor ever throws, 
Triumphant once, his painful shaft again. 

But countless evils upon life intrude, 

Recurring oft in sad vicissitude. 



Bland. 



From the Greek Anthology. 13 

43 

(Lucian. Jac. b. x. ep. 35.) 

Firm and erect, to men and gods you 're dear, 
And readily your pray'rs they're wont to hear : 
Stumble, at once all favours are estranged, 
And friends to foes with changing Fortune chang'd. 

Major M. 

With this may be compared Ovid, Trist. El. ix. 5. 

Donee eris felix, multos numerabis amicos, 
Tempora si fuerint nubila, solus eris. 

44 
A Heathen's Prayer. 

(Jac. b. x. ep. 108.) 

Praying, or prayerless, give us good things, Zeus ! 
And, e'en though prayed for, evil things refuse. 

R. G. M. 

'Heathens, were those Greeks? they were not 
altogether wrong in the matter of prayer, at any rate 
" Fas est et ab hoste doceri."' 

45 

(Theognis. Jac. b. ix. ep. 50.) 

Please your own taste. In passion or from pique, 
Some good of you, and some will evil speak. 

Major Macgregar. 

46 

(Julianus JE. Jac. b. vii. ep. 565.) 

Painter, this likeness is too strong, 
And we shall mourn the dead too long. 

W. Cowper 



1 4 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

47 

(Meleager. Jac. b. v. ep. 141.) 

Heliodora's voice, by all that 's dear ! 
Is sweeter than Apollo's lute to hear. 

H. Wellesley. 

Parody on the same. 

Dear Jenny Lind ! I 'd rather hear you sing 
Than Paganini fiddle ' on one string.' 

H. IV. 

48 

On the Statue of her Daughter by Nossis. 

(Jac. b. vi. ep. 353.) 

In this loved stone Melinna's self I trace ; 
'T is hers, that form; 'tis hers, that speaking face! 
How like her mother's ! Oh what joy to see 
Ourselves reflected in our progeny ! 

J. H. Merivale. 

There are parallels to this in Horace and Catullus, 
too obvious to need quotation, but the general idea 
may be illustrated by Shakspeare's 'King John,' 
Act 1 : 

1 He hath a trick of Cceur de Lion's face. 

Mine eye hath well examined his parts, 
And found them " perfect Richard." ' 

49 
' Home, sweet Ho7iie? 

(Leonidas of Tarentum. Jac. b. vii. ep. 736.) 

Cling to thy home ! if there the meanest shed 
Yield thee a hearth and shelter for thy head, 



From the Greek Anthology. 1 5 

And some poor plot with vegetables stored 
Be all that Heaven allots thee for a board ; 
Unsavoury bread, and herbs that scattered grow 
Wild on the river bank or mountain brow, — 
Yet e'en this cheerless mansion shall provide 
More heart's repose than all the world beside. 

These lines recall to the mind passages in Gold- 
smith's ' Traveller ' : 

{ Thus every good his native wilds impart 

* * * * * 

Dear is that shed to which his soul conforms. 
And dear that hill which lifts him to the storms.' &c. 

And again : 

' The shuddering tenant of the frigid zone 
Boldly proclaims that happiest spot his own.' 

* * # * * 

; Such is the patriot's boast, where'er we roam, 
His first, best country, is at home.' 

So 

Philo or Plato. Jac. b. xi. ep. 419.) 

A hoary head, with sense combin'd, 
Claims veneration from mankind ; 
But, if with folly joined, it bears 
The badge of ignominious years. 
Gray locks will pass for sapience well, 
Until your tongue dissolve the spell ; 
Then, as in youth, 't will all appear 
No longer sense, but merely hair. 

Bland, Jimr. 



1 6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Corinth. 

(Antipater. Jac. b. ix. ep. 151.) 

Where is thy grandeur, Corinth ? Shrunk from sight, 
Thy ancient treasures, and thy ramparts' height ; 
Thy god-like fanes and palaces ! Oh, where 
Thy mighty myriads and majestic fair ! 
Relentless war has pour'd around thy wall, 
And hardly spared the traces of thy fall i 

E. Dodvuell. 

On Lais' s Looking-glass. 

(Plato. Jac. b. vi. ep. 1.) 

I Lais, ( 7 ) once of Greece the pride, 
For whom so many suitors sigh'd, 
Now aged grown, at Venus' shrine 
The mirror of my youth resign ; 
Since what I am, I will not see ; 
And what I was, I cannot be. 



E. L. Swift. 



Thus condensed by Prior : 

Venus, take my votive glass, 
Since I am not what I was : 
What from this day I shall be, 
Venus, let me never see. 

53 
On Envy. 

(Palladas. Jac. bk. x. ep. 51.) 

Pity, says the Theban bard, 
From my wishes I discard ; 



From the Greek Anthology. 1 7 

Envy, let me rather be, 
Rather far, a theme for thee ! 
Pity to distress is shown, 
Envy to the great alone. 
So the Theban : but to shine 
Less conspicuous be mine ! 
I prefer the golden mean, 
Pomp and penury between ; 
Eor alarm and peril wait 
Ever on the loftiest state, 
And the lowest to the end 
Obloquy and scorn attend. 



W. Cozvper. 



54 

(Planudean. Jac. b. i. ep. 17.) 

Ill-timed is all excess. J Tis known to all 
That even too much honey turns to gall. 

H. IV. 

55 

On Time, 

(Plato. Jac. b. ix. ep. 51.) 

Time bears the world away : a little date 
Will change name, beauty, nature,— ay, and fate. 

J. H. Merivale. 

(Jac. b. x. ep. 119.) 

The broad high way to poverty and need 
Is, much to build and many mouths to feed. 

57 

(Jac. b. 10. ep. 125.) 

Tis hard to find a friend : many seem so, 
Nay almost all — so far as words can go. 

Major M. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



58 

On Hojner. 

(Antipater of Sidon. Planud. Jac. b. i. ep. 296. ) 

From Colophon some deem thee sprung, 

From Smyrna some, and some from Chios ; 

These noble Salamis have sung, 

While those proclaim thee born in Ios ; 

And others cry up Thessaly, 

The mother of the Lapithse. 

Thus each to Homer has assigned 

The birthplace just which suits his mind : 

But if I read the volume right, 

By Phcebus to his followers given, 

I'd say, they are mistaken quite, 

And that his real country's Heaven ; 

While for his mother, she can be 

No other than Calliope. 

Merivale. 

Antipater's Epigram on Homer was also written in 
Latin by Sannazaro the Italian poet, who, in two 
lines, has most beautifully compressed it : 

1 Smyrna, Rhodos. Colophon, Salamis, Chios, Argos, 

Athenae, 
Cedite, jam ccelum patria Maeonidse est.' 

59 

(Plaaud. b. i. ep. 302.) 

Nature, with difficulty, Homer found ; 

And, him produced, her travail then was done ; 
She all her vigour to that effort wound. 

To show a matchless and immortal one. 

Major M. 



From the Greek Anthology. 19 



IMITATION OF 
GREEK VERSES FOR LIFE AGAINST LIFE. 

60 

For London. 

[Metrodorus. Jac. b. ix. ep. 360.) 

Can we through London streets be led. 
Without rejoicing as we tread ? 
The city's wealth our eye surveys, 
The court attracts our lighter gaze ; 
Whilst charity her arm extends, 
And sick and poor find hosts of friends. 
Wit sparkles round our rosy wine, 
And beauty boasts her charms divine ; 
Music prolongs our festive nights, 
And morning calls to fresh delights ; 
A London residence then give, 
For here alone I seem to live. 

From '' TJie Adventurer.* 
6l 

Against London. 

(Posidippus. Jac. b. ix. ep. 359.) 

Can London streets by man be trod 
Without repenting on the road ? 
Where nobles, whelm'd in shame or debt, 
And bankrupts swell each sad gazette ; 
All licensed death our frame attacks, 
And to his aid calls hosts of quacks \ 
False smiles on beauty's face appear, 
And wit evaporates in a sneer. 



20 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Dangers impede our days' delights, 
And vermin vex our sleepless nights ; 
From London, then, let 's quickly fly, 
In rural shades to live or die. 

From ' The Adventurer." 



From Latin Authors. 



The Mortgage. 

(Catullus.) 

' Dear Furius, you may rest assured, 

My country-house is well secured.' 
' How? with good timber, stone, and plaster 

From wind, and rain, and all disaster ? ' 
i Ah, no ! but by a certain skin, 

Which is encased in painted tin ; 
It is secured for money lent, 

To a curst son of ten-per-cent.' 

Theodore Martin. 

FROM MARTIAL. 

2 

(B. i. ep. 13.; 

When Arria to her Paetus gave the steel ( 8 ) 
Which from her bleeding side did newly part, 

' For my own wound,' she said, ' no pain I feel ; 
And yet thy wound will stab me to the heart.' 

Sir Charles Sedley. 



From Let&in Authors. 21 

3 

Against Suicide. 

(B. i. ep. 9.) 

That you, like Thrasea, or like Cato, great, 
Pursue their maxims, but decline their fate, 
Nor rashly point the dagger to your heart ; 
More to my wish you act the Roman's part : 
I like not him who fame by death retrieves. 
Give me the man, who merits praise and lives. 

Hay, 
4 

(B. i. ep. 32.) 

I love thee not ; but why I can't display ; 
I love thee not, is all that I can say. 

Anon. 1695. 

In imitation of this epigram, an Oxford wit wrote 
the following on Dr. John Fell, Bishop of Oxford, who 
died in 1686 : 

% 
I do not love thee, Doctor Fell ; 

The reason why I cannot tell : 

But this I mi sure I know full well, 

I do not love thee, Doctor Fell. 

5 

(B. i. ep. 33.) 

Her father dead ! Alone no grief she knows ; 
Th' obedient tear at every visit flows. 
No mourner he, who must with praise be fee'd ! 
But he who mourns in secret, mourns indeed ! 

Hay, 



2 2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

6 

(B. i.ep. 38.) 

The verses, friend, which thou hast read, are mine ; 
But, as thou read'st them, they may pass for thine. 

Bouquet. 

7 

(B. i.ep. 64.) 

Fair, rich, and young ! how rare is her perfection, 
Were it not mingled with one foul infection; 
So proud a heart, I mean, so cursed a tongue, 
As makes her seem nor rich, nor fair, nor young. 

Sir y. Harrington. 

8 

(B. i. ep. 75.) 

Lend Sponge a guinea! Ned, you'd best refuse, 
And give him half. Sure, that 7 s enough to lose. 

Anon. 

9 

(B. i. ep. 91.) 

Thou blam'st my verses and conceal'st thine own ; 
Or publish thine, or else let mine alone. 

Anon. 
IO 

(B. ii. ep. 3.) 

You say you nothing owe ; and so I say . 
He only owes who something hath to pay. 

Hay. 

II 

(B. ii. ep. 38.) 

What my farm yields me, dost thou urge to know ? 
This, that I see not thee, when there I go. 



From Latin Authors. 23 

Thus imitated by Cowper : 

You ask me, Roger, what I gain 
By living on this barren plain. 
This credit to the spot is due, 
I live there without seeing you. 

12 

(B. ii. ep. 55. 

Yes ; I submit, my Lord ; you Ye gain'd your end : 
I'm now your slave, that would have been yourfriend : 
I '11 bow, I '11 cringe, be supple as your glove ; — 
Respect, adore you — ev'ry thing but love. 

Rev. R. Graves 
(B. ii. ep. 88.) 

Arthur, they say, has wit. l For what ? ' 
' For writing? ' No, for writing not. 

Dean Swift. 

H 

(B. iii. ep. 9.) 

Jack writes severe lampoons on me, 't is said — 
But he writes nothing who is never read. 

Hodgson. 
(B. iii. ep. 14.) 

A Yorkshire squire, an epicure well known, 
Set forth to spend his winter months in town ; 
But heard the dev'lish price of beef and pork, 
Stopp'd short at Highgate, and returned to York. 

Graves. 



24 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

16 

(B. iii. ep. 42.) 

Leave off thy paint, perfumes, and youthful dress, 
And nature's failing honestly confess ; 
Double we see those faults which art would mend, 
Plain downright ugliness would less offend. 

Sir C. Sedley. 

17 

(B. iii. ep. 61.} 

'T is a mere nothing that you ask, you cry — 
If you ask nothing, nothing I deny. 

Hay. 

18 

(B. iv. ep. 21.) 

That there's no God, John gravely swears, 
And quotes, in proof, his own affairs ; 
For how should such an Atheist thrive, 
If there was any God alive ? 

From Westminster Review, 1853. 
(B. iv. ep. 70.) 

Jack's father's dead ; and left him without hope : 
For he hath nothing left him but a rope. 
By a strange turn did fortune thus contrive 
To make Jack wish his father were alive. 

Hay. 

20 

(B. iv. ep. 76.) 

Ten pounds I begg'd : with half thou bidd'st me speed : 
Next time I '11 ask thee twice what I have need. 

Anon. 



From Latin Authors. 25 

21 

^B. v. ep. 17.} 

Of rank, descent, and title proud, 

Mere gentry Lady Susan could not bear ; 

She 'd wed but with a Duke, she vow'd — 
And so absconded with a player. 

N. B. Hulked. 



22 

Procrastination.^) 

(B. v. ep. 58.) 

To-morrow you will live, you always cry. 
In what far country does this morrow lie, 
That ; t is so mighty long ere it arrive ? 
Beyond the Indies does this morrow live r 
'Tis so far-f etched this morrow, that I fear 
T will be both very old and very dear. 
To-morrow I will live, the fool does say ; 
To-day itself 's too late, the wise lived yesterday. 

Cowley. 



23 

A small Obligation the best. 

(B. v. ep. 59.) 

That I nor gold nor silver to thee send, 
I this forbear, for thy sake, learned friend. 
Who gives great gifts, expects great gifts again 
My cheap ones to return will cause no pain. 



26 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



24 

On a Newly-made Baronet. 

(B. v. ep. 66.) 

Though I do c Sir' thee, be not vain, I pray: 
I i Sir' my monkey Jacko every day. 

Cyrus Redding, N. M. Mag. , May 1828. 

25 
(B. vi. ep. 12.) 

The golden hair that Galla wears 
Is hers : who would have thought it ? 
She swears 't is hers, and true she swears, 
For I know where she bought it. 

Harrington. 

26 

(B. vi. ep. 18.) 

Our friend, who lately captive died in Spain, 
Went to the other world without a stain. 
To grieve is wrong ; for leaving you alive, 
He in his dearer part doth still survive. 



Hay 



27 
(B. vii. ep. 3.) 

You ask me why I have no verses sent ? 
For fear you should return the compliment. 

28 

(B. vii. ep. 76.) 

When Dukes in Town ask thee to dine, 
To rule their roast, and smack their wine, 



Hay. 



From Latin Authors. 27 

Or take thee to their country-seat 
To make their dogs, and bless their meat, — 
Ah ! dream not on preferment soon : 
Thou 'rt not their friend, but their buffoon. 

Hoadley. 
29 

(B. vii. ep. 98.) 

' Omnia, Castor, emis ; sic fiet, ut omnia vendas.' ( 10 ) 
If for mere wantonness you buy so fast, 
For very want you must sell all at last. 

Bouquet. 
(B. vii. ep. 101.) 

Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung, 
And heard the tempting Siren in thy tongue, 
What flames, what darts, what anguish I endured ! 
But when the candle entered, I was cured. 

Lord Nttgen t. 

31 

(B. viii. ep. 18.) 

The last two lines of this epigram are thus rendered 
by Jeremy Taylor : 

Land, gold, and trifles, many give or lend ; 
But he that stoops in fame is a rare friend. 
In friendship's orb thou art the brightest star: 
Before thy fame mine thou preferrest far. 

32 

(B. viii. ep. 19.} 

Tom says he's poor, in hopes you'll say he 's not ; 
But take his word for 't : Tom's not worth a groat. 

Graves. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



33 

(B. viii. ep. 27.) 

You're rich and old ; to you they presents send : 
Don't you perceive they bid you die, my friend ? 

Hay. 

34 

(B. viii. ep. 35.) 

Both man and wife as bad as bad can be, 
I wonder they no better should agree. 



35 

(B. viii. ep. 74.) 

A Doctor lately was a Captain made. 
It is a change of title, not of trade. 



Hay. 



Hay. 



36 

(B. ix. ep. 5.) 

You'd marry the marquis, fair lady, they say : 
You 're right ; we 've suspected it long ; 

But his Lordship declines in a complaisant way, 
And ; faith, he 's not much in the wrong. 

N. B. Halhed. 

37 

(B. ix. ep. 78.) 

Your spouse, who husbands dear hath buried seven, 
Stands a bad chance to make the number even. 

Hay. 

38 

(B. ix. ep. 80.) 

Through servile flattery thou dost all commend : 
Who cares to please where no man can offend ? 

Sedley. 



From Latin Authors. 29 

39 
To MartiaPs Ghost. 

Martial, thou gav'st far nobler epigrams 

To thy Domitian, than I can to my James ; 

But in my royal subject I pass thee — 

Thou flatteredst thine, mine cannot flattered be. 

B. Jonson. 

Imitated.( n ) 

(B. x. ep. 32. ) 

Under the engraved picture of Shakspeare in the 
first edition of his collected works, 1623. 

TO THE READER. 

This figure which thou here seest put, 

It was for gentle Shakspeare cut : 

Wherein the graver had a strife 

With nature to outdo the life : 

Oh ! could he but have drawn his wit 

As well in brass as he has hit 

His face, the print would then surpass 

All that was ever writ in brass. 

But since he cannot, Reader, look, 

Not on his picture, but his book ! 

B. Jon son. 
40 
(B. x. ep. 8.) 

Me would the widow wed ; she's old, say I, 
But if she older were, I would comply. 

Hay. 



30 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Thus imitated by the Rev. Mr. Scott : 

TO THE HON. C. J. FOX, ON A PROPOSAL MADE TO HIM 
TO MARRY A RICH OLD MAID. 

Lady Bab, though turned fifty, was hot I should wed 
her ; 

But I, being not very willing to marry, 
Told a friend she was old, so could ne'er think to bed 
her, 

And therefore desired some time longer to tarry. 
At this, being nettled, she flew in a rage, 

And pouted, as she was ne'er courted before ; 
Pooh ! said I, I mistook, she is quite under age, 

Oh ! would she were now but a hundred or more ! 

4i 

B. x. ep. 10.) 

No dinners, presents ! — he is no man's bail ! 
He cannot lend, because his riches fail ! 
Yet crowds attend his future power and grace : 
For fools of all sorts London is the place. 

Hay. 

42 
(B xi. ep. 44.) 

Childless, and rich, and old, and hope to find 
A real friend ? Disordered is thy mind. 
That heaven-born light, which never long endures 
In youth, in poverty, perchance, was yours ; 
But all your present friends, whate'er they say, 
Love but your death, and curse its slow delay. 

Hodgson. 



From Latin Authors. 31 

43 

(B. xi. ep. 64.) 

We know not why you for the fair 
So many billet-doux prepare ; 
But this we know, a billet-doux 
No fair one ever penned for you. 

An on. 

44 

(B. xi. ep. 67.) 

MarOj you'll give me nothing while you live. 
But after death, you cry, then, then, you 11 give : 
If thou art not indeed turned arrant ass, 
Thou know'st what I desire to come to pass. 

Fletcher. 

Or thus : 

You told me, Maro, whilst you live, 
You 'd not a single penny give, 
But that whene'er you chance to die, 
You 'd leave a handsome legacy : 
You must be mad beyond redress, 
If my next wish you cannot guess. 

45 

(B. xi. ep. 92.) 

He called thee vicious, did he? lying elf! 
Thou art not vicious, thou art Vice itself. 

Fletcher. 

46 

(B. xi. ep. 103.) 

Thou art so tame and simple, on my life, 
I wonder how thou e'er couldst court a wife. 

Anon. 



3 2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

47 

(B. xii. ep. io.) 

He fawns for more, though he his thousands touch : 
Fortune gives none enough, but some too much. 

Hay. 

4 8 

(B. xii. ep. 12.) 

In midnight cups you grant all we propose : 
Next morn neglect. Pray take a morning dose. 

Hay. 

Imitation. 

Thraso picks quarrels when he 's drunk at night ; 
When sober in the morning dares not fight : 
Thraso, to shun those ills that may ensue, 
Drink not at night, or drink at morning too. 

Walsh. 

49 

(B. xii. ep. 23.) 

Your hair and teeth you 're not ashamed to buy ! 
What will you do, shouldst lose the other eye ? 

Hay. 
(B. xii. ep. 47.) 

In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, 
Thou ? rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow ; 
Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen, about thee, 
There is no living with thee, or without thee. 

Addison. 



From Latin Authors. 33 

Garrick's character, as portrayed in Goldsmith's epi- 
grammatic poem called ' Retaliation/ may. probably, 
have been suggested by this epigram. It is, at all 
events, an illustration of it : 

Our Garrick 's a salad ; for in him we see 
Oil, vinegar, sugar, and saltness agree. 

[B. xii. ep. 54.] 

Thy beard and head are of a different dye ; 
Short of one foot, distorted in an eye : 
With all these tokens of a knave complete, 
Shouldst thou be honest, thou 'rt a devilish cheat. 

Addison. 

(From Book on the Public Shows.) 

On an Unequal Combat. 

To bow to nobler foes is almost fame ; 
The basely-yielded palm alone is shame. 



TRANSLATIONS FROM CLAUD IAN. 

I 

(Ep. 29.) 

On a Versifier crippled in his Feet. 

About your feet, one way or other, 
Lord ! what is all this mighty pother ? 
You, who your verse so boldly scannd. 
Cry, in a passion, ' It won't stand ! ? 
*D 



34 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

This line to run, forsooth, is ill able, 
And feebly limps that sorry syllable. 
Thus as you hobble, once so stout, 
Your verse from you has caught the gout. 

A tt on. 
2 
[Ep. 39-) 

The Poo?" Man in Love. 

Pangs of hunger, pangs of love, both are sharp and 

keen ; 
But the pangs of love are keenest far, I ween. 

P. Onslow. 

3 

(Ep. 40.) 
On the same. 

I in poor, I love, one curse would fate remove — 
Oh, leave my poverty, and take my love ! 

p. o. 
4 

(Ep. 6.) 

On a Crystal. 
Still the keen icefiakes their old nature own, 
In part alive, in part congealed to stone : 
See winter's craft, mightier in broken might ; 
Thus living jewels deck his crown with light. 

P. o. 
5 

(Ep. 49.) 
On the Miracles of Christ. 
She touched, the life-blood filled each bloodless vein ; 
Since faith is life, faith brought her life again. 

p. o. 



From Latin Authors, 35 

6 
Bearing prophetic gifts, their way the kingly Easterns 

trod, 
Myrrh, gold, and frankincense, adored the man, the 
king, the God. 

p. o. 
1 
The reddening waters sparkled into wine, 

So did the manhood into Godhead shine. 

P. o. 
8 
Five loaves, two fishes, and five thousand feed ; 
God's gifts will still surpass His creatures' need. 

p. o. 
9 
Blind from the womb, lo ! one receives his sight. 
And stares bewildered by the unwonted light. 

10 
To Mary Gabriel spake the Lord's decree, 
So God took flesh of her Virginity. 

11 
Peters step falters on the raging main, 
Christ's hand his feet, Christ's word his faith sustain. 

p. o. 

12 

Borne on his bed for years the palsied lay, 
Christ speaks, and lo ! he bears his bed away. 

p. o. 
13 
See at Christ's call the buried Lazarus rise : 
With failing strength ; t is death itself that dies. 

p. o. 

* D 1 



36 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



FROM AUSONIUS. 

I 

(Ep. 107.} 
O11 a Beaittiful Boy. 

Nature doubting made her plan, 
Doubting whether girl or man ; 
Doubting still her work I scan, 
Almost girl, and almost man. 

P. Onslow. 

2 

(Ep. xxx. p. 1080.) 

On Dido, Queen of Carthage. 

Poor Queen ! twice doomed disastrous love to try ! 
You fly the dying : for the flying die. 

Or thus : 

Alas ! poor Dido ! in what shocking plight 
Your husbands' fates have left you : 

Since one by dying caused your flight, 
And Mother's flight of life bereft you. 

On the same. 

Virgil, whose magic verse enthralls, 

(And where is poet greater ?) 
Sometimes his wandering hero calls 

Now Puts and now Pater. 



From Latin Authors. 37 

But when, prepared the worst to brave, 

(An action that must pain us) 
He leads fair Dido to the cave, 

He calls him ' Dux Trojanus? 

Why did the poet change the word ? 

The reason plain is, sure \ 
4 Pius Apneas' were absurd, 

And ' Pater ' premature, 

3 
Balnea, vina, Venus, corrumpunt corpora nostra : 
Quid faciunt vitam ? balnea, vina, Venus. 

Wine, women, warmth against our lives combine, 
But what is life without warmth, women, wine ? 

From ' Notes and Queries.'' 

4 

(Ep. 134.) 

The Rich and the Poor Man. 
Not free from want the rich man, nor alone 
In want the poor ; wants rich and poor must own. 
The rich wants gems — the poor a frugal feast. 
Both are in want— the poor man's wants are least. 

p. o 
5 

(Ep. 143.) 
On Fortune's Fickleness. 
Fortune shifteth, never stayeth, 
As a vane with light winds playeth — 
As alternate weights prevail, 
When the hand of him who weigheth 
Casteth into either scale. 

p. a 



38 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



(Ep. 50.) 

A Pedant, when a wedding guest, 

The Bride and Bridegroom thus address'd : 

' O may your union favoured be 

With children of the genders three ! ' 



Atwn. 



7 

(Ep. 81.] 

Only begin ; the half is done ; 
Begin again : all will be won. 



Anon. 



(Ep. 83.) 

Give quickly that your gift may please ; 
A tardy gift will rather tease . 

A maxim too of the poet Publius Syrus : ' Bis dat, qui 
cito dat.' Who has also another similar proverb : i Bis 
est gratum, quod opus est, ultro si offeras.' 

Froiii ' Notes a?id Queries.'' 

9 

(Ep. 87.) 

The Nonal Dri?ik. 

I 'm Nine ; for I bread, water, honey, wine, 
With broth, salt, pepper, herbs, and oil combine. 

K,/ro?n c Notes and Queries. 



SECTION II 

Epigrams by Englishmen (known and unknown) 
of the 1 6th, i7th, and 18th centuries. 



SECTION II. 



Epigrams by Englishmen. 

by j, heywood, of broadgate hall, now pem- 
broke coll. (circa 1550). 

I 
* I drink to thee, Tom.' f Nay, thou drinkest from me, 

John : 
For when thou drinkest to me, drink thou leavest none.' 



2 

On Fardingales. ( 12 ) 

Alas ! poor fardingales must lie i' the street, 
To house them no door f the city is meet ; 
Since at our narrow doors they in cannot win, 
Send them to Oxford, at Broadgate to get in. 

3 

Corporation Politeness 071 the Destruction of the 

Spanish Armada. ( 13 ) 

As a west-country mayor, with formal address. 
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess, 



42 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

i The Spaniard/ quoth he, ' with inveterate spleen, 
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen ; 
But your Majesty's courage has made it appear 
That the Don had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear.' 

4 
On Cardinal Wolsey. — Alliteration, 

Begot by butcher, but by bishop bred : 

How high his highness holds his haughty head ! 



Circumstances alter Cases. 

When Priscus, raised from low to high estate, 
Rode through the street in pompous jollity, 

Caius, his poor familiar friend of late, 

Bespake him thus : ' Sir, now you know not me.' 

' 'T is likely, friend/ quoth Priscus, ' to be so ; 

For at this time myself I do not know.' 

Sir y. Davies (1600). 



BY HEATH. 

I 



Health is a jewel, true ; which when we buy, 
Physicians value it accordingly. 

2 

To a kinsman of his own name he writes : 

Brotherhood lies low buried under ground, 
And nought but cozenage now 's to be found. 



From English Authors. 43 



BY SIR JOHN HARRINGTON, CREATED LORD 
HARRINGTON BY JAMES I. 



Of Treason. 

Treason doth never prosper — what's the reason ? 
For if it prosper, none doth call it Treason. 



On Enclosing a Common. 

A lord that purposed for his more avail, 

To compass in a common with a rail, 

Was reckoning with his friends about the cost 

And charge of every rail, and every post : 

But he that wished his greedy humour crost, 

Said : 6 Sir, provide you posts, and without failing, 

Your neighbours round about will find you railing.' 



3 
On a Drunken Smith. 

I heard that Smug the smith, for ale and spice 
Sold all his tools, and yet he kept his vice. 



Henry the Eighth pulPd down monks and their cells ; 
Henry the Ninth ( u ) shall pull down bishops and their 
bells. 



44 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

5 

On Cursing Cuckolds. 

A lord that talked late in way of scorn, 
Of some that wore invisibly the horn, 
Said he could wish, and did (as for his part) 
All cuckolds in the Thames, with all his heart. 
But straight a pleasant knight replied to him, 
' I hope your lordship learned hath to swim. J 

6 

Plain Dealing. 

My verses oft displease you : — what's the matter ? 
You love not to hear truth, nor I to flatter. 

7 

Against Writers who carp at other MerCs Books. 

The readers and the hearers like my books, 

But yet some writers cannot them digest : 

Yet what care I, for when I make a feast, 

I would my guests should praise it, not my cooks. 



On the Execution of the Earl of Essex. 

When noble Essex, Blount, and Danvers died, 
One saw them suffer that had heard them tried ; 
And, sighing, said : < When such brave soldiers die, 
Is't not great pity, think you ? ? ' No/ said I ; 
' There is no man of sense in all the city 
Will say 't is great, but rather little pity.' 



From English Authors. 45 



9 
On Fortune. 

Fortune, they say, doth give too much to many ; 
But yet she never gave enough to any.( 15 ) 



Ben Jonson, the companion and admirer of Shak- 
speare, and perhaps second only to him as a dramatist, 
has left us upwards of a hundred epigrams ; many of 
which are imbued with Greek taste and scholarship, 
whilst others are so scurrilous they are hardly present- 
able. But his faults as an Epigrammatist are ampiy 
atoned for by the beautiful Epitaphs he has left us, in 
which kind of writing he has been surpassed by none. 
He, with the lyric poet Herrick, his follower, recog- 
nised the epigrammatic force of a good nickname, as 
will be seen by the epigrams selected from each. 

FROM B. JONSON. 

I 
The Blind Goddess. 
The good live poor, and thou dost waste 
On rogues, Dame Fortune, all thou hast : 
Well did the poets feign thee blind ; 
But was it in the eyes or mind ? 
2 
On Sir Cod the Perfumed. 
That Cod can get no widow, yet a Knight, 
I scent the cause : he woos with an ill sprite. 
The expense in odours is a most vain sin, 
Except thou couldst, Sir Cod, wear them within. 

* D 7 



46 Epigrams , Ancient and Modern. 



3 

To Doctor Empirick. 

When men a dangerous disease did scape, 
Of old, they gave a cock to ^Esculape : 
Let me give two ; that doubly am got free 
From my disease's danger and from thee. 

4 
Fool or Knave. 

Thy praise or dispraise is to me alike ; 

One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike. 



On the Union of England and Scotland.( lG ) 

When was there contract better drawn by fate, 
Or celebrated with more truth of state ? 
The world the temple was, the priest a king, 
The spoused pair two realms, the sea the ring. 

6 

On a Veiitriloquist. 

The stomach is a thrifty thing : 
So Juvenal of old did sing : 
I deemed his saying was not sooth ; 
But now experience proves its truth : 
For here is one whose stomach's feats 
Procure the food his stomach eats. 



From English Authors. 47 

7 
To the Parliameiit. 

There 's reason good that you good laws should make: 
Men's manners ne'er were viler, for your sake. 

8 

Spies. 

Spies, you are lights in State, but base of stuff ; 
Who, when you Ye burnt yourselves down to the snuff, 
Stink, and are thrown away. End fair enough. 

9 
On Death. 

He that fears death, or mourns it, in the just, 
Shows of the resurrection little trust. 



On B. Jonson. 

Thou hadst the wreath before, now take the tree ; 
Thence henceforth none be laurel-crown'd but thee. 

Herrick. 

To the same. 

My epigrams come after yours in time ; 
So do they in conceit, in force, in rhyme. 
My wit : s in fault — the fault is none of mine : 
For if my will could have conferred my wit. 
There never had been better verses writ ; 
As good as yours could I have ruled it. 

Hay man 



48 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

To Lady Mary Nev ill, Daughter to the Earl of Dorset, 
his worthy Patroness. 

Thy glass presents thee fair ; Fame chaste thee styles : 
Neither thy glass nor Fame do lie the whiles. 
Loud wide-mouthed Fame, swifter than eagle's wing, 
Dares not repeat against thee any thing. 

Hay man. 

Envfs Genealogy. To Sir J. Harrington. 
Fair Virtue foul-mouthed Envy breeds and feeds : 
From Virtue only this foul vice proceeds : 
Wonder not I this to you indite ; 
'Gainst your rare virtues Envy bends her spite. 

Hayma?i. 



FROM HERRICK (1648). 
I 

Upon Parson Be ones. 
Old Parson Beanes hunts six days of the week, 
And on the seventh he has his notes to seek : 
Six days he hollows so much breath away, 
That on the seventh he can nor preach nor pray. 

2 
Upon Rook. 
Rook, he sells feathers, yet he still doth cry, 
Fie on this pride, this female vanity ! 
Thus, though the Rook does rail against the sin, 
He loves the gain that vanity brings in. 



Fro 77t E7iglish Authors. 49 



3 

The Gout in the Hand. 

Urles had the gout, so that he could not stand, 
Then from his feet it shifted to his hand : 
When it was in his feet, his charity was small, 
Now it is in his hand, he gives no alms at all. 

4 
O11 Poet Prat. 

Prat, he writes satires, but herein 's the fault, 
In no one satire there 's a mite of salt. 

5 

Shame is a bad attendant to a State ; 

He rents his crown who fears his people's hate. 



Preposterous is that government and rude 
When Kings obey the wilder multitude. 

7 
Ambition. 

In man, Ambition is the conmon'st thing ; 
Each one by nature loves to be a king. 

8 
The Just Mail. 

A just man ? s like a rock that turns the wroth 
Of all the raging waves into a froth. 
E 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



9 

On a Stingy Fellow. 

Last night thou didst invite me home to eat, 
And show'dst me there much plate, but little meat. 
Prithee, when next thou dost invite, bar state, 
And give me meat, — or give me else thy plate. 

10 

Why walks Nick Flimsy like a mal-content ? 
Is it because his money all is spent ? 
No : — but because the ding-thrift now is poor, 
And knows not where i' th' world to borrow more. 

ii 

Comely acts well ; and, when he speaks his part, 
He doth it with the sweetest tones of art : 
But when he sings a psalm, there 's none can be 
More curst for singing out of tune than he. 



Money thou ow'st me: Prithee fix a day 
For payment promis'd, though thou never pay : 
Let it be dooms-day ; nay, take longer scope ; 
Pay when thou ? rt honest, let me have some hope. 



Written on the Walls of St. James's Palace after James 
I. had reigned some years. 

Under great King Eliza the English, were seen 
As great as now mean under Jemmy their Queen. 



From English Authors. 



On Milton. 

Graecia Mseonidem jactet sibi, Roma Maronem, 
Anglia Miltonum jactat utroque parem. 

Salvaggi. 

Three poets in three distant ages born, 
Greece, Italy, and England did adorn. 
The first in loftiness of thought surpassed; 
The next in majesty ; in both the last. 
The force of Nature could no further go ; 
To make a third, she join'd the former two. 

Dry den. 

Various parodies have appeared on this world-wide 
famous epigram : one by Dr. J. Drake on Sir R. Steele, 
Sir B. Blackmore, and Sir R. Cox ; another by Daniel **■* G~*^«~ "* 
O'Connell on Colonels Verner, Perceval, and Sibthorpe;\j^r^3£L 
a third on the Bishops of Lichfield (Butler), Durham o^^ccUix*, tr* 
(Maltby), and Peterborough (Marsh) ; a fourth on the 
two Lockes, one the celebrated author of an i Essay on 
Human Understanding/ and the other an enormous 
eater. Dr. S. Johnson, too, has left us a Latin version 
of Dryden's well-known lines. ae<fC *~ si********* X 1 ^a t 

On Dry den. 

Here let me bend, great Dryden ! at thy shrine. 
Thou dearest name to all the tuneful Nine ! 
What if some dull lines in cold order creep, 
And with his theme the poet seems to sleep ? 
Still when his subject rises proud to view, 
With equal strength the poet rises too : 



5 2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

With strong invention, noblest vigour fraught, 
Thought still springs up and rises out of thought ; 
Numbers ennobling numbers in their course, 
In varied sweetness flow, in varied force ; 
The powers of genius and of judgment join, 
And the whole art of poetry is thine. 

Charles Churchill. 



EPIGRAMS BY DR. DONNE.( 17 ) 
I 

I am unable, yonder beggar cries, 

To stand, or move : if he says true, he lies. 



Thy father all from thee, by his last will, 
Gave to the poor : thou hast good title still. 

3 
If in his study he has so much care 
To hang all strange old things, let his wife beware. 

4 

To the Tobacco-seller. 

Niggards till dead are Niggards ; so, vile weed, 
Thy bounty from thy ashes doth proceed. 



BY PYNE (circa 1616). 

Half of your book is to an Index grown ; 

You give your book contents, your readers none. 



From English Authors. 53 

On Milton's Wife. 

When Milton was blind, as all the world knows, 
He married a wife, whom his friend calFd a rose ; 
1 I am no judge of flowers, but indeed/ cried the poet, 
' If she be a rose, by the thorns I may know it.' 



On Charles II. 

Of a tall stature and a sable hue, 
Much like the son of Kish, that lofty Jew : 
Ten years of reed he suffer d in exile, 
And kept his father's asses all the while. 

Andrew Marvell, M.P.[ 1S ) 

On Jacob Tonson, the Bookseller. 

With leering looks, bull-faced, and freckled fair, 
With two left legs, and Judas-coloured hair, 
With frousy pores that taint the ambient air. 

DrydenA^ 

To Nisus.i 20 ) 

How shall we please this Age? If in a Song 
We put above six lines, they count it long : 
If we contract it to an Epigram, 
As deep the dwarfish poetry they damn ; 
If we write Plays, few see above an act, 
And those lewd masks, or noisy fops distract : 
Let us write Satire then, and at our ease 
Vex th' ill-natured fools we cannot please. 

Sir C. Sedley. 



54 Epigrams , Ancioit and Modern. 

EPIGRAMS BY EARL OF ROCHESTER (circa 1670). 

I 

On a Psalm-singing Clerk. 

Sternhold and Hopkins had great qualms 
When they translated David's Psalms, 

To make the heart full glad : 
But had it been poor David's fate, 
To hear thee sing and them translate, 

By Jove, 't would have drove him mad. 

2 

On the Coquetry oj Women. 

Womankind more joy discovers 
Making fools than keeping lovers. 

3 

A Mock Epitaph written upon the Door of Charles IE' s 

Bed?' -oom. 

Here lies our sovereign lord the King, 

Whose word no man -relies on ; 
Who never says a foolish thing, 

Nor ever does a wise one. 

4 
Grace at a Miser's Feast. 

Thanks for this miracle ! It is no less 
Than manna dropping in the wilderness. 
Chimnies have smoked that never smoked before, 
And we have dined where we shall dine no more. 



F/om English Authors. 55 

On Bishop Atterburfs ( 21 ) burying the Duke of Buck- 
ingham ( 22 ) (1688). 
' I have no hopes,' the Duke he says and dies ; 
' In sure and certain hope,' the prelate cries : 
Of these two noted peers, I prithee, say man, 
Which is the lying knave — the priest or layman ? 
The Duke he stands an infidel confess'd ; 
' He 's our dear brother,' quoth the holy priest. 
The Duke the knave, still ' brother dear,' he cries. 
And who can say the reverend prelate lies ? 

A Court Audience. 
Old South, a witty churchman reckon'd, 
Was preaching once to Charles the Second, 
But much too serious for a court, 
Who at all preaching made a sport : 
He soon perceived his audience nod, 
Deaf to the zealous man of God. 
The Doctor stopp'd ; began to call, . 
s Pray wake the Earl of Lauderdale ; 
My lord ! why, ' t is a monstrous thing ! 
You snore so loud ; — you'll wake the king.' 

On a Dispute between Dr. Radcliffe and Sir Godfrey 

Kneller. 
Sir Godfrey and Radcliffe had one common way 
Into one common garden — and each had a key. 
Quoth Kneller: — i I '11 certainly stop up that door, 
If ever I find it unlock'd any more.' 
' Your threats,' replies Radcliffe, ' disturb not my ease. 
And so you don't paint it, e'en do what you please.' 
1 You 're smart,' rejoins Kneller, 'but say what you will, 
I '11 take anything from you — but potion or pill.' 



56 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

On Inclosures. 

' T is bad enough, in man or woman, 
To steal a goose from off a common ; 
But surely he 's without excuse 
Who steals the common from the goose. 



BY SUCKLING. 

I 

- The Metamorphosis. 

■ The little boy, to show his might and pow'r, 
Turn'd Io to a cow, Narcissus to a flow'r ; 
Transform'd Apollo to a homely swain, 
And Jove himself into a golden rain. 
These shapes were tolerable ; — but by th' mass 
He J s metamorphosed me — into an ass. 

2 
If man might know 
The ill he must undergo, 
And shun it so, 
Then it were good to know : 
But if he undergo it, 
Though he know it, 
What boots him know it ? 
He must undergo it. 

3 

A Witty Reply. 

When Charles, at once a monarch and a wit, 
Some smooth soft flattery read, by Waller writ; 



From English Authors. 57 

Waller, who erst to sing was not ashamed, 

That Heav'n in storms great Cromwell's soul had 

claimed, 
Turned to the Bard, and, with a smile, said he, 
' Your strains for Noll excel your strains for me.'( 23 ) 
The bard, his cheeks with conscious blushes red, 
Thus to the King return'd, and bow'd his head ; 
' Poets, so Heaven and all the Nine decreed, 
In fiction better than in truth succeed.' 



FROM PETRARCH'S PROSE. 

You say your teeth are dropping out ; 

A serious cause of sorrow : 
Not likely to be cured, I doubt, 

To-day or yet to-morrow. 

But good may come of this distress, 

While under it you labour, 
If, losing teeth, you guzzle less, — 

And don't backbite your neighbour. 

A Greek Idea expanded. 

Of Graces four, of Muses ten, 
Of Venuses now two are seen : 

Doris shines forth to dazzle men, 
A Grace, a Muse, and Beauty's Queen. 

But let me whisper one thing more : — 
The Furies now are likewise four. 



58 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

FROM T. BROWN'S EPIGRAMS. 
I 

To Dry den on his Conversio?i. 

Traitor to God, and Rebel to thy pen, 
Priest-ridden poet, perjured Son of Ben, 
If ever thou prove honest, then the Nation 
May modestly believe Transubstantiation.( 24 ) 

2 

His Opinion of the Ladies. 

Their care and pains the Fair ones do bestow, 
Not to please God above, but men below: 
Who think them Saints, are damnably mistook, 
They're only Saints and Angels in their look. 



The ladies here, their lovers' hearts 

By their devotion win ; 
Though all is rock and stone without, 

Yet all is soft within. 

4 

On the first Ditch ess of St. Albans.( 2 ~°) 

The line of Vere, so long renown'd in arms, 
Concludes with lustre in St. Albans' charms ; 
Her conquering eyes have made their race complete : 
They rose in valour, and in beauty set. 



From English Authors. 59 

5 

The Stage of Life. 

Our life 's a journey in a winter's day ; 
Some only break their fast, and so away ; 
Others stay dinner, and depart full-fed, 
The longest age but saps and goes to bed : 
He's most in debt that lingers out the day ; 
Who dies betimes has less and less to pay. 

6 
On a Noisy Fellow* 

Will both his time and tongue employs 

In emptiness and riot ; 
'T is thus — the shallow make a noise, 

The deep alone are quiet. 

7 
What is Honour? 

Not to be captious, not unjustly fight ; 

'T is to confess what 7 s wrong, and do what 9 s right. 



EPIGRAMS BY POPE. 



Friend! for your epitaphs I 'm griev'd, 
Where still so much is said ; 

One half will never be believ'd, 
The other never read.( 26 ) 



60 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

2 

To Colley Cibber, Poet Laureate. 

In merry old England it once was a rule 
For the king to employ both a poet and fool ; 
But now, we're so frugal, I 'd have you to know it, 
That a Laureate will serve both for fool and for poet. 

3 
You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come : 

Knock as you please, there 's nobody at home. 

4 
Sir, I admit your general rule, 

That every poet is a fool ; 
But you yourself may serve to show it, 

That every fool is not a poet. 

5 
Now Europe 's balanced, neither side prevails ; 
For nothing 's left in either of the scales. 

6 
Engraved on the Collar of a Dog. 

I am His Highness's dog at Kew : 
Pray tell me, Sir, whose dog are you ? 

7 
On one Beautiful but Proud and Avaricious. 

So bright is thy beauty, so charming thy song 
As had drawn both the beasts and their Orpheus along ; 
But such is thy avarice and such is thy pride, 
That the beasts must have starved and the poet have 
died. 



From English Authors. 61 



My lord complains that Pope, stark mad with gardens, 
Has lopp'd three trees, the value of three farthings ; 
< But he 's my neighbour,' cries the peer polite, 
1 And if he '11 visit me, 1 11 waive my right.' 
What ! on compulsion ? and against my will 
A lord's acquaintance ? let him file his bill. 

9 

On Bentlefs Edition of Milton. 

Did Milton's prose, O Charles, thy death defend? 

A furious foe unconscious proves a friend. 

On Milton's verse did Bentley comment ? know, 

A weak officious friend becomes a foe. 

While he but sought his author's fame to further, 

The murderous critic has avenged thy murther. 

io 

On the Toasts of the Kit-cat Club ( 27 ) (1716). 

Whence deathless 6 Kit-cat ' took its name, 

Few critics can unriddle : 
Some say from ' pastry cook ' it came, 

And some from ' cat ' and ' fiddle.' 

From no trim beaux its name it boasts, 

Gray statesman or green wits ; 
But from this pellmell pack of toasts 

Of old ' cats' and young kits. 



62 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Written on glass by Pope, who borrowed the Earl of 
Chesterfields dia?no?id pencil. 

Accept a miracle, instead of wit, 

See two dull lines by Stanhope's pencil writ. 

12 

On Sir I. Newton. 

Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night, 
God said, ' Let Newton be ! ' and all was light. 

13 

On Drawings of the Statues of Apollo, Venus, and 
Hercules, made for Pope by Sir G. Kneller. 

What god, what genius, did the pencil move, 

When Kneller painted these ? 
'T was Friendship, warm as Phcebus, kind as Love, 

And strong as Hercules. 

During Pope's last illness a dispute occurred between 
his physicians, the one charging the other with hastening 
the poet's death by the violent medicine he had pre- 
scribed, and the other retorting the charge. Pope at 
length silenced them, saying ; t Gentlemen, I only learn 
by your discourse that I am in a very dangerous state ; 
therefore, all I have now to ask is that the following 
epigram may be added after my death to the next 
edition of the " Dunciad," ( 28 ) by way of postscript : — 



From English Authors. 63 

' Dunces, rejoice, forgive all censures past, 
The greatest dunce has kill'd your foe at last.' 



On erecting a Monument to Shakspeare, under the 
direction of Pope and Lord Burlington. 

To mark her Shakspeare's worth, and Britain's love, 
Let Pope design and Burlington approve : 
Superfluous care ! when distant times shall view 
This tomb grown old — his works shall still be new. 

On Broome the Poet, who assisted Pope in his 
Translation of Homer. ( 29 ) 

Pope came off clean with Homer ; but, they say, 
Broome went before and kindly swept the way. 

Henly. 

On receiving an Orange from Grace Lock hart, who 
. married John third Earl of A boy ne, and died 1738. 

Now, Priam's son. thou must be mute, 
For I can proudly boast with thee ; 

Thou to the fairest gave the fruit, 
The fairest gave the fruit to me. 

Allan Ramsay. 

On Anne Countess of Sunderland, second Daughter 
of the great Duke of Marlborough, who was very 
beautiful. 

All Nature's charms in Sunderland appear, 
Bright as her eyes, and as her reason clear ; 
Yet still their force, to men not safely known, 
Seems undiscoverd to herself alone. 

Earl of Halifax. 



64 Epigrams, Ancient and Afodern. 

The Way to be Happy. 

c Bear and forbear : ' thus preach the Stoic sages, 
And in two words include the sense of pages : 
' With patience bear life's certain ills ; and oh ! 
Forbear those pleasures that must end in woe. ' 



EPIGRAMS BY DEAN SWIFT. 

I 

Written on a Window at Chester. 

The church and clergy here, no doubt, 

Are very near akin ; 
Both weather-beaten are without, 

And empty both within. 



On his own Deafness. 

Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone, 
To all my friends a burden grown, 
No more I hear my church's bell 
Than if it rang out for my knell. 

At thunder now no more I start 
Than at the rumbling of a cart ; 
Nay, what 's incredible, alack ! 
I hardly hear a woman's clack. 



From English Authors. 65 



3 

Advice Disregarded. 

As Thomas was cudgell'd one day by his wife, 

He took to the street and fled for his life ; 

Tom's three nearest friends came by in the squabble, 

And saved him at once from the shrew and the rabble ; 

Then ventured to give him some sober advice : 

But Tom is a person of honour so nice ; 

Too wise to take counsel, too proud to take warning, 

That he sent all the trio a challenge next morning : 

Three duels he fought, and thrice ventured his life, 

Went home, and was cudgell'd again by his wife, 

4 
On seei?ig a worthy Prelate ( 30 ) go out of Church in 
the time of Divine Service to wait on the Duke of 
Dorset on his coming to Town. 

Lord Pam in the church (could you think it ?) kneeFd 

down : 
When told that the Duke was just come to town — 
His station despising, unaw'd by the place, 
He flies from his God to attend on his Grace. 
To the court it was fitter to pay his devotion. 
Since God had no hand in his Lordship's promotion. 

From Wilde's Closi?ig Years of Dean Swiff s Life (1749 . 

5 

On Handel and Bononciui.f 21 ) 

Some say that Signor Boncuciui, 
Compared to Handel, 's a mere ninny ; 
F 



66 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Others aver, that to him Handel 

Is scarcely fit to hold a candle. 

Strange ! that such high disputes should be 

'Twixt Tweedle-dum and Tnjeedle-dee. 

6 

Said Celia to a reverend Dean, 

What reason can be given, 
Since marriage is a holy thing, 

That they have none in heaven ? 

1 They have,' says he, ' no women there.' 

She quick returns the jest : 
' Women there are, but I 'm afraid 

They cannot find a priest.' 



7 
On Mr. Carthys knocking out some of his Booksellers 
Teeth because lie said his Poems did not sell and he 
could not live by the Profits. 

I must confess that I was somewhat warm, 
I broke his teeth, but where 's the mighty harm ? 
My book, he said, could ne'er afford him meat, 
And teeth are useless where there 's nought to eat. 



When two-score throats together squall, 
It mav be call'd a mad-rig-al. 



From English Authors. 6j 



9 

Thanks to my stars, I once can see 
A window here from scribbling free ! 
Here no conceited coxcombs pass, 
To scratch their paltry drabs on glass ; 
Nor party fool is calling names, 
Or dealing crowns to George and James, 



10 

Flattery Exposed. 

A prince, the moment he is crown'd, 
Inherits every virtue round, 
As emblems of the sovereign power, 
Like other baubles in the Tower. 
But, once you fix him in the tomb, 
His virtues fade, his vices bloom, 
His panegyrics then are ceased, 
He grows a tyrant, dunce, or beast, 
As soon as you can hear his knell, 
This god on earth turns devil in hell. 



ii 

The Old Gentry, 

That all from Adam first began, 
Sure none but Whiston doubts ; 

And that his son, and his son's son, 
Were ploughmen, clowns, and louts. 



68 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 

Here lies the only diff'rence now 
Some shot off late, some soon ; 

Your sires i' th' morning left off plough, 
And ours i' th' afternoon. 



12 

' Carthy,' you say, i writes well, his genius true ' ; 
You pawn your word for him — he'll vouch for you. 
So two poor knaves, who find their credit fail, 
To cheat the world become each other's bail. 

13 
Mankind.^) 

Man is a very worm by birth, 
Vile reptile, weak and vain ! 

Awhile he crawls upon the earth, 
Then shrinks to earth again. 

14 

On Burning a dnll Poem. 

An ass's hoof alone can hold 

That poisonous juice which kills by cold. 

Methought when I this poem read, 

No vessel but an ass's head 

Such frigid fustian could contain ; 

I mean the head without the brain. 

The cold conceits, the chilling thoughts, 

Went down like stupefying draughts ; 

I found my head begin to swim, 

A numbness crept through every limb. 



From English Authors. 69 

In haste, with imprecations dire, 

I threw the volume in the fire ; 

When (who could think ?) though cold as ice, 

It burnt to ashes in a trice. 

How could I more enhance its fame ? 

Though born in snow, it died in flame. 

15 

On the Vowels. 

We are little airy creatures, 
All of different voice and features ; 
One of us in glass is set, 
One of us you'll find in jet: 
T'other you may see in tin, 
And the fourth a box within : 
If the fifth you should pursue, 
It can never fly from you. 

16 

The last thing the witty Dean wrote was an epigram 
on the building of a magazine for arms and stores at 
Dublin, which was pointed out to him as he was taking 
exercise during his mental disease : circa 1740. 

Behold a proof of Irish sense : 

Here Irish wit is seen ; 
When nothing 5 s left that ; s worth defence 

They build a magazine. 



On Swift. 

Swift for the Ancients has reasoned so well, 

'Tis apparent from hence that the Moderns excel. ( 33 ) 



70 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On several Petty Pieces published against Dean Swift 
when deaf and infirm. 

Thy mortal part, ingenious Swift, must die, 
Thy fame shall reach beyond mortality ! 
How puny whirlings joy at thy decline, 
Thou darling offspring of the Tuneful Nine ! 
The noble lion thus, as vigour passes, 
The fable tells us, is abused by asses. 



An Inscription, intended for a Compartment in Dr. 
Swiff s Monument, designed by Cunningham, oil Col- 
lege Green, Dublin. 

Say, to the Drapier's ( 34 ) vast unbounded fame 
What added honours can the sculptor give ? 

None — 'Tis a sanction from the Drapier's name 
Must bid the sculptor and his marble live. 



On Swiff s i Gulliver's Travels? 

Here learn from moral truth and wit refin'd, 
How vice and folly have debased mankind : 
Strong sense and humour arm in Virtue's cause ; 
Thus her great votary vindicates her laws : 
While bold and free the glowing colours strike, 
Blame not the picture, if the picture 's like. 

Bowyer. 



From English Authors. 7 1 



EPIGRAMS BY PRIOR. 



To John I owed great obligation : 
But John unhappily thought fit 

To publish it to all the Nation. 

Sure John and I are more than quit.( 35 ) 



Marriage Griefs. 

On his death-bed poor Lubin lies, 

His spouse is in despair ; 
With frequent sobs and mutual sighs, 

They both express their care. 

c A different cause/ says Parson Sly, 
' The same effect may give ; 

Poor Lubin fears that he shall die, 
His wife that he may live.' 

3 
The Remedy worse than the Disease. 

I sent for Radcliffe : was so ill, 
That other doctors gave me over ; 

He felt my pulse, prescribed a pill, 
And I was likely to recover. 

But when the wit began to wheeze, 
And wine had warm'd the politician, 

Cured yesterday of my disease, 
I died last night of my physician. 



7 2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

4 
Ovid is the surest guide 

You can name to show the way 
To any woman, maid, or bride, — 

Who resolves to go astray. 

5 

Written in a Lad/s Milton. 

With virtue such as yours had Eve been arm J d, 
In vain the fruit had blushed, the serpent charmed ; 
Nor had our bliss by penitence been bought, 
Nor had frail Adam fall'n, nor Milton wrote. 

6 

Mock Epitaph on Himself. ( 36 ) 

Nobles and Heralds, by your leave, 

Here lies what once was [Matthew Prior ; 

The son of Adam and of Eve. 

Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher ? 

7 
Phillis' s Age. 

How old may Phillis be, you ask, 
Whose beauty thus all hearts engages ? 

To answer is no easy task, 
For she has really two ages. 

Stiff in brocade and pinch'd in stays, 
Her patches, paint, and jewels on, 

All day let envy view her face, 
And Phillis is but twentv-one. 



From English Authors. 73 

Paint, patches, jewels laid aside, 

At night astronomers agree, 
That evening has the day belied, 

And Phiilis is some forty-three. 



' Forma bonum fragile? 

- What a frail thing is beauty ! ; says Baron Le Cras, 
Perceiving his mistress had one eye of glass : 

And scarcely had he spoke it, 
When she more confused, as more angry she grew, 
By a negligent rage proved the maxim too true : 

She dropp'd the eye and broke it. 



The Countess of Manchester ( 3T ) at Paris. 

While haughty Gallia's dames, that spread 
O'er their pale cheeks an artful red, 
Beheld this beauteous stranger there, 
In native charms divinely fair, 
Confusion in their looks they showed, 
And with unborrowed blushes glowed. 

Addison. 

The Game of Life. 

Who has the better game still fears the end ; 
Who has trie worst still hopes his game will mend. 



74 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



Mock Epitaph on Gay, by himself. 

Life is a jest, and all things show it : 
I thought so once, but now I know it. 



On the magnificent Bridge built by John first Duke 
of Marlborough over a small Rivulet in Blenheim 
Park. 

The lofty arch his high ambition shows, 

The stream an emblem of his bounty flows. ( 38 ) 

Dr. Evans. 



On the 'Spectator: ( 39 ) 

' Aliusque et idem 
Nasceris. ' Horace. 

When first the Tatler to a mute was turned, 
Great Britain for her Censors silence mourned : 
Robbed of his sprightly beams, she wept the night, 
Till the Spectator rose, and -blazed as bright. 
So the first man the sun's first setting viewed, 
And sighed, till circling day his joys renewed ; 
Yet doubtful how that second sun to name, 
Whether a bright successor or the same. 
So we : but now from this suspense are freed, 
Since all agree, who both with judgment read, 
Tis the same sun, and does himself succeed. 

N. Tate, Poet Laureate. 



From English Authors. 75 



On a Woman who spoke very well without a Tongue: 
a fact attested by Wilcox, Bishop of Rochester, in a 
Letter to the Royal Society, yd September, 1707. 

That without a tongue, a woman could 
Chat and prattle, talk aloud ; 

As a fact I must receive it. 
But that a woman, with a tongue, 
Could hold her peace, and hold it long — ■ 

Pshaw ! I can't believe it. 



On hearing a Gentleman boast of the Antiquity of his 
Family. 

That your family 's ancient, I would not dispute, 
Even though you should claim your descent from a 
Brute. 

To an Astronomer. 

An astrologer once, old authorities tell, 

While he gazed at the stars, tumbled into a well : 

For the sages, whose optics to distances roam, 

Very often o'erlook what may happen at home. 

So you, by your skill (be it whispered between us) 

Can foresee the conjunctions of Mars and of Venus : 

But all your astronomy doesn't discover 

The proceedings, downstairs, of your wife and her lover. 



7 6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



The Division of Labour. 

A parson, of too free a life, 

Was yet renown' d for noble preaching, 
And many grieved to see such strife 

Between his living and his teaching. 

His flock at last rebellious grew : 

'My friends,' he said, ' the simple fact is, 
Nor you nor I can both things do ; — 

But I can preach — and you can practise.' 



The Liar. 

See yonder goes old Mendax telling lies 
To that good easy man with whom he 's walking. 
' How know I that?' you ask, with some surprise : 
Why, don't you see, my friend, the fellow 's talking ? 



On bad Dancing to good Music. 

How ill the motion with the music suits ! 

So Orpheus fiddled, and so danced the brutes. 

E.Budgell.* 



Ou Lord Cadogan.i^ 1 ) 

By fear unmoved, by shame unawed, 
Offspring of hangman and of bawd ; 
Ungrateful to the ungrateful man he grew by, 
A bold, bad, boisterous, blust 'ring, bloody booby. 

Bishop A tterbury. 



From English Authors. 77 



Rich Gripe does all his thought and cunning bend 
To increase that wealth he wants the soul to spend : 
Poor shifter, does his whole contrivance set 
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get ? 
Kind Fate and Fortune \ blend them if you can. 
And of two wretches make one happy man. 

Walsh. 

Fit 'e Reasons for Drinking. ( 1 700. ) 

If all be true that I do think, 

There are five reasons we should drink: 

Good wine ; a friend ; or being dry ; 

Or lest we should be by and by; 

Or any other reason why. 

Dean Aldrich. (**) 



On an ignorant Lady who boasted of having Pretty 
Feet. 

' No wonder Mary's feet are small/ 

Jack one day smiling said ; 
< If Nature stole a part from thence 

To form a thicker head.' 

4 In point of stealing, sure/ cries Dick, 

' That Nature had no hand in, 
And if she made her head so thick, 

; T was not with understanding? 



Screw lives by shifts, yet swears, with no small oaths. 
With all his shifts, he cannot shift his clothes. 



78 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On the Grub-Street Writers. 

Of old, when the wags attacked Colley Cibber, 

As Player, as Bard, and Odaic-wine-bibber, 

To a friend that advised him to answer their malice, 

And check, by reply, their extravagant sallies : 

c No, no/ quoth the laureate, with a smile of much glee, 

' They write for a dinner, which they shan't get from 



BY AARON HILL. 

I 

Modesty. 

As lamps burn silent with unconscious light, 
So modest ease in beauty shines most bright. 
Unaiming charms with edge resistless fall, 
And she who means no mischief does it all. 



Tender-handed stroke a nettle, 
And it stings you for your pains ; 

Grasp it like a man of mettle, 
And it soft as silk remains. 

'Tis the same with common natures 
Use them kindly they rebel ; 

But be rough as nutmeg-graters, 
And the rogues will use you well. 



From English Authors. 79 



3 

Whig and Tory. 

Whig and Tory scratch and bite, 
Just as hungry dogs, we see : 

Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight, 
Throw a couple they agree. 



To Madame de Damas leami?ig English. 

Though British accents your attention fire, 

You cannot learn so fast as we admire. 

Scholars like you but slowly can improve, 

For who would teach you but the verb ' I love ; ? 

Horace Walpole. 

None, without hope, e'er loved the brightest fair, 
But love can hope where reason would despair. 

Lord Lyttelton. 

Brutus unmoved heard how his Portia fell ; 
Should Jack's wife die — he would behave as well. 

Anon. 

Jack eating rotten cheese did say, 
' Like Samson I my thousands slay.' 

' I vow,' quoth Roger, ' so you do, 
And with the selfsame weapon too.' 



So Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

When late I attempted your pity to move, 
What made you so deaf to my prayers ? 

Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love ; 
But — why did you kick me down stairs ? 

Anon. 

On a Bad Orator. 

You move the people when you speak, 
For, one by one, away they sneak. 

On seeing the Words ' Domus Ultima ' inscribed on 
the Vault belonging to the Dukes of Richmond in 
Chichester Cathedral. 

Did he, who thus inscribed the wall, 
Not read, or not believe Saint Paul ; 
Who says there is, where'er it stands, 
Another house, not made with hands ? 
Or, may we gather from these words, 
That house is not a House of Lords ? 

Clarke. 

On the River Haus-sur-Lcsse, in Belgium. 

Old Euclid may go to the wall, 

For we Ve solved what he never could guess, 
How the fish in the river are small, 

But the river they live in is Lesse. 

The Worm-Doctor. 

Vagus, advanced on high, proclaims his skill, 
By cakes of wondrous force the worms to kill : 



From English Authors. 81 

A scornful ear the wiser sort impart, 
And laugh at Vagus's pretended art. 
But well can Vagus what he boasts perform, 
For man (as Job has told us) is a worm. 

Relpk. 



On a Full-length Portrait of Bean Nash being placed 
in Wiltshire 's Ball-roo?n at Bath between the Busts 
of ' Newt 071 and Pope. 

Immortal Newton never spoke 
More truth than here you 11 find, 

Nor Pope himself e'er pennd a joke 
More cruel on mankind. 

The picture, placed the busts between, 

Gives satire its full strength ; 
Wisdom and Wit are little seen, 

But Folly at full length. 

Earl of Chesterfield. 

' I find this Epigram for the first time in print in the 
Gentleman's Magazine of February 1741, and find 
what appears to be the original of it in a volume of 
Poems by Jane Brereton published in 1744/— See 
Cunningham *s Edition of Goldsmith's Works, vol. iv. 
p. 68. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



POLITICAL EPIGRAMS — 17TH AND 18TH CENTURIES. 



On the Standards and other Spoils taken from James 
II at the battle of the Boyne, which were by his 
daughter Mary II. ordered to be carried in trium- 
phant procession, and finally hung up in St. James's 
Chapel, as stimulants to her devotion. 

Walking the park, I, to my horror, there 

Saw what from hardest hearts might force a tear, 

The trophies of a monarch openly 

Display" d in scorn before each vulgar eye, — 

A crime which Absalom did never do. 

Did ever he to every cobbler show 

The relics of his fathers overthrow ? 



On William III. returning to England from the Wars 
in 1692. 

The author, sure, must take great pains 

Who fairly writes the story, 
In which of these two last campaigns 

Was gain'd the greatest glory. 

For while he marched on to the fight. 

Like hero nothing fearing, 
Namur was taken in his sight, 

And Mons within his hearing. 

Sir C. SedUy. 



From English Authors. 83 



3 

The Nine Kings. 

Will's wafted to Holland on some state intrigue, 

Desirous to visit his Hogans at Hague ; 

But lest in his absence his subjects repine, 

He 7 s canton/dhis Kingdoms, andleft them to Nine:- 

Eight ignorant peers, and a blockish divine. ( 43 ) 



Old Jacob, in his wondrous mood 

To please the wise beholders, 
Has placed old Nassau's hook-nosed head 

On poor ^Eneas's shoulders. 

To make the parallel hold tack, 

Methinks there's something lacking ; 

One took his father pick-a-back, 
The other sent his packing^ 44 ) 

Dryden. 

5 
On Queen Anna's placing the G?'eat Seal in the hands 

of Sir W. Cowper : an Appointment that greatly 
dissatisfied the People, who raised the zuoful Wail 
of the i Church in danger? 

When Anna was the Church's daughter, 

She did whate'er that mother taught her ; 
But now she ; s mother to the Church, 
She leaves her daughter in the lurch. 



84 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



6 
The Royal Sapling, 

Whilst Sarah( 45 ) from the royal ground 

Roots up the royal oak, 
The sapling, groaning from the wound, 

Thus to the Syren spoke : 

Ah ! may the omen kindly fail, 
For poor Britannia's good : 

Or else not only me you fell, 
But her who owns the wood. 



7 

The Seasonable Cant ion. 
To Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough. 

Be cautious, Madam, how you thus provoke 
This sturdy plant, the second royal oak ; 
For should you fell it, or remove it hence, 
When dead it may revenge the vile offence, 
And build a scaffold in another place, 
That may ere long prove fatal to your Grace ! 
Nay, furnish out a useless gallows too, 
Sufficient for your friends, though not for you. 
Then let it stand a monument of fame, 
To that forgiving prince who set the same ; 
For should it fall by you, the world may say, 
The fate may be your own another day. 



From English Authors. 85 



The Murmurs of the Oak. 

Why dost thou root me up, ungrateful hand ? 
My father saved the King who saved the land, 
That Kin^to whom thy mother owed her fame.( 46 ) 



But since the malice of her spawn, your Grace, 

Presumes to rend me from my resting-place 

Where by the royal hand I first was set, 

And from an acorn thrived to be thus great, 

May I be hewed, now rooted up by thee, 

Into some lofty famous triple tree, 

Where none may swing but such as have betray' d 

Those generous powers by which themselves were made! 

Then may I hope to gain as much renown, 

By hanging up my foes that cut me down, 

As my tall parent, when he bravely stood 

The monarch's safeguard in the trembling wood 

I know not which would prove the next good thing, 

To hang up traitors, or preserve a king. 



9 
Dear Sid! then why wert thou so mad, 
To break thy rod. like naughty lad ? 
You should have kiss'd it in distress, 
And then returned it to your mistress. ( 47 ) 

Swift. 



S6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

10 

A Jacobite Epigram. 

William and Mary, George and Anne, 
Four such children never had man ; 
They turn'd their father ( 48 ) out of door, 
And call'd their brother( 49 ) the son of a whore. 

II 

Another. 

God bless the King ! God bless the Faith's Defender ! 
The devil take the Pope and the Pretender ! 
Who the Pretender is, and who the King — 
God bless us all ! is quite another thing. 

Dr. Byrom. 



A FEW SPRINKLINGS FROM EPIGRAMS IN DISTICH, 
PUBLISHED IN 1740, ON PERSONS WHOSE NAMES 
ARE NOW UNKNOWN. 

Strange ! he J s forgot his brother, and what 's more, 
He knows his Grace, he never saw before ! 

Your dressing, dancing, gadding, whereas the good in ? 
Sweet lady, tell me, can you make a pudding ? 

Saving Kiiowledge. 

Gripe to his son bequeaths this part of learning, 
'Blow out one candle when you see two burning.' 



From English Authors. 87 



A Public Nuisance. 

Gripe thousands starves, to starve himself at last. 
Can't he do that without a general fast ? 

Laughter Mistaken. 

Neddy laugh'd loud at every word he spoke ; 
And we laugh'd too — but not at Neddy's joke. 

On a Connoisseur. 

He long has been a man of taste complete ; 
Would that he now had something left to eat. 

On St. Pauls, London. 

This is God's House; but 'tis to be deplor'd 
More come to see the House than serve its Lord. 

Poverty. 

He who in his pocket has no money 

Should, in his mouth, be never without honey. 

On a Parson. 

By purchase a man's property is known : 
Scarf's sermons and his livings are his own 

To Fortune. 

Who ever can forgive you such a trick 
As raising Humdrum to a bishoprick ? 

The Parasite. 

My Lord feeds Gnatho ; he extols my Lord : 
Gnatho eats well ; but dearly pays his board. 



Epigrams ', Ancient and Modern. 



Lord Foppington^s Proposal to Parliament. 

He thinks it might advance the nation's trade, 
Were a law made, no tailor should be paid. 



The Ladfs Journal. 

I dress'd, din'd, play'd at cards, to playhouse went, 
To Court, and masquerade : — a day well spent. 



On an Insolent Bully. 

Jack never stirs his hat ; swears by his Maker : 
Strange mongrel cur ! like and unlike a Quaker. 



A Discreet Action. 

To be a widow is a mournful state : 
Delia was wise to make one moon its date. 



The Hypocrite. 

His son he cheats ; he leaves his bail i' th' lurch : 
Where is the rascal gone ? — =he 9 s gone to church. 

A Positive Fellow. 

He's always in the right : I '11 hold my tongue : 
If I dispute, I must be in the wrong. 

The Rich Miser and the Ruined Spe7idthrift. 

Gold in Gripe's pocket is, and on Strut's coat : 
'T is strange that neither should be worth a groat. 



Fro vi English Authors. 89 



The Jealous Husband. 

To Bedlam with him ! Is he sound in mind, 
Who still is seeking what he would not find ? 



The Suit Ended. 

Ten pence recovered ! ten pounds spent in cost ! 
You say I Ve gained my suit ; I say, I Ve lost. 

The Gentleman degraded. 

Act well : or what avail your coat and crest ? 
Shall we respect a Hog in armour drest ? 

On Sectaries. 

If every man is a religion-mender, 

The Lord have mercy on the Faith's Defender ! 

The Censorious. 

' What a sad world we live in ! J Scandal cries : 
I own it will be better when he dies. 

Good Economy. 

Ten guineas Tom would borrow : I give five : 
J T is a good bargain, as I 'm here alive. 

The Scholar. 

Master of Arts ! spent seven years at College 

In his own room ! he must have wondrous knowledge \ 



90 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Of Luxury. 

We give to ridicule but too much handle, 

When they burn wax who can't buy tallow-candle. 

Wit with Indiscretion. 

Tom has got wit : but 't is a sad disaster ; 
Tom's wit, like a wild horse, may fling his master. 

On Growing Old. 

Birth-days repeat too quick a dismal story ; 
Yield us no joy, but a memento mori. 

A Box and Dice. 

These seem a trifle, yet their magic strokes 
Sap Damon's lands, and fell his lofty oaks. 

0?i the Country. 

Fresh air, gay scenes, health, ease, and sweet repose ! 
What hath the giddy Town to" balance those ? 

Health. 

Fields may extend ; our bags or titles swell : 
No man is happy, who can't say, I 'm well. 

Th e Weath er- Glass. 

Emblem of Man ! whose spirits sink or rise 
As Fortune shines, or as she clouds the skies. 



From English Authors. 91 

A Great Fortune's Difficulty. 

Puzzled she is to know, which amorous speeches 

Belong to her, and which unto her riches. 

To a Tradesman. 

What ! are you mad to dun his lordship yet ? 
Pray save your time : ; t is better than your debt. 

A Lawyer's Reputation, 

How comes it that Ouibus should pass for a wit ? 
He sold what he spoke ; and he bought what he writ 

Grumus ne'er saw, he says, a bearded ass ; 
What, then, did Grumus ne'er consult his glass ? 

On a Lady who was Painted. 

It sounds like paradox — and yet 't is true, 

You "re like your picture, though it's not like you, 

On Westminster Abbey. 

Kings, statesmen, scholars, soldiers, here are dust ! 
Vain man ! be humble : to be great, be just. 

Our God requireth the whole heart, or none ; 

And yet He will accept a broken one. 

Advice to the Great. 

Are you ambitious ? Kingdoms you may find : 
The noblest empire is to rule the mind. 



92 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

The passion for play, circa 1 740, was long the ruling 
passion at Bath among the sick as well as the sound. 
The following Epigram was written when subscription- 
books were opened for providing for the expenses of 
Church-service and for opening a new cardroom : 

The books were open'd t'other day 
At alLthe shops, for Church and Play; 
The Church got six, Hoyle sixty-seven. 
How great the odds for Hell 'gainst Heaven ! 

During this century the following might be read over 
the gates of Bandon in Munster : 

Turk, Jew, and Atheist 

May enter here, but not a Papist. 

To which a witty Catholic is said to have added : 

Whoever wrote this, wrote it well, 

The same is written on the gates of Hell. 

To a Courtier, 

Why do you thus your friend deceive ? 

You always promise, never give. 
If thus you 're steadfast to your lie, 

Prithee, good Sir, for once deny. 

On a Religious but Censorious Lady. 

The Law and the Gospels you always have by you, 
But for truth and good nature they seldom come nigh 

you : 
In short, my good creature, the matter of fact is, 
You daily are learning what never you practise. 



From English Authors. 93 

Bard v. Dtcnce. 

Though \ is a fate that 's pretty sure, 

If born a poet to be poor ; 
I 'd rather be a bard by birth, 

Than live the richest dunce on earth. 

On an Apothecary turned Brewer. 

With titles how are some men blest ! 

Ev'n thou canst boast of twain ; 
A fool before in drugs confest, 

And now a knave in grain ! 

Mors Janua VUce. 

\ Death is the gate of life/ they say ; 

The way to bliss, all sects agree ; 
Then, surely, none can grudge to pay 

So small a toll, the doctor's fee. 

Medictis. 

In Socios Senior es Collegii Oxoniensis. 

Ouam bene potando seniores dsemona fallunt. 
Scilicet in siccis ambulat ille locis. 

Thus translated : 

Drink, says old Sophist, and then fear no evil, 
T is thus alone that we can cheat the devil ; 
He walketh through dry places : this we know, 
And so keep wetting wheresoever we go. 

Ox on. 

Reply to the above. 

Hold, ye carbuncled Sophs ! ye J re quite mistaken ; 
This lucky thought will never save your bacon. 



94 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

In places moist the devil does delight : 
From the same sacred book I '11 prove I 'm right. 
Answer this question, pray, nor trust in wine — 
Where ran the devil when he drove the swine ? 

Cantab. 

Second Thoughts are best. 

1 Bett, wilt have me ?' quoth John. Quoth Bett, ' Don't 

take it ill, 
I will not. But — you may have me, if you will.' 

What is best in Love. 

Silence in love shows greater woe 
Than words though ne'er so witty ; 

A beggar that is dumb, you know, 
Deserves the greater pity. 

The Laughing Fool. 

i I laugh,' a would-be sapient cried, 
' At every one that laughs at me.' 

' Good lack ! ' a merry friend replied, 
' How very merry you" must be !' 

A Nice Point. On hearing that a Gentleman died 
whilst his Physician was -writing a Prescription for 
him. 

How couldst thou thus so hasty be, O Death ? 

And why be so precipitate with me ? 
Why not some moments longer spare my breath, 

And let thy friend, the doctor, get his fee ? 



From English Authors. 95 

Honest Independence. 

Sir Charles, embroider'd, mocks my threadbare vest. 
Sir Charles ! 'tis paid for. Now where lies the jest ? 

The Scribbler Confided. 

Pamphlet last week, in his fantastic fits, 
Was ask'd, How he liv'd ? He said, By's wits : 
Pamphlet, I see, will tell lies by the clock ; 
How can he live upon so poor a stock ? 

Affectation. 

Delia 's twenty-two, and yet so weak, 

Poor thing ! she J s learning still to walk and speak. 

On his Three Marriages, by Thomas Bastard, Esq,, of 
New College, Oxford. 

Though marriage by some folks be reckoned a curse. 
Three wives did I marry, for better or worse ; 
The first for her person, the next for her purse, 
And the third for a warming-pan, doctor, and 

nurse. ( 50 ) 

Medical 

One day the surveyor, with a sigh and a groan, 
Said : ' Doctor, I ; m dying of gravel and stone. 7 
The Doctor replied : 'This is true, then, though odd, 
What kills a surveyor *s a cure for a road.' 

The Last Debt. 
His last great debt is paid. Poor Tom 's no more : 
Last debt ! Tom never paid a debt before. 



96 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Candour. 

As Tom was one day in deep chat with his friend, 
He gravely advised him his manners to mend ; 
That his morals were bad, he had heard it from many: 
i They lie,' replied Tom, — ' for I never had any.' 

The Antiquary. 

The Antiquarian's skill how bright ! 
Who out of darkness formeth light ; 
And makes this contradiction true, 
That something old is something new. 

To a bungling Epitaph-maker. 

There 's many a serious blundering epitaph, 
Design'd to make one cry, but makes one laugh, 
But thine 's so odd, so stupid, and so dry, 
They make the reader neither laugh nor cry. 

On one who expended his whole Fortune in 
Horse-racing. 

John ran so long, and ran so fast, 
No wonder he ran out at last : 
He ran in debt ; and then to pay, 
He distanced all — and ran away. 

A Lady's Toilet. 

View Delia's toilet, see the borrowed plumes, 
Here paints and patches rang'd, there rich perfumes ; 
This box an eye, the next her teeth contains : 
Delia, in short, wants nothing there but brains. 



From English Authors. 97 



Not O Id En ugh . 

Paula, thou fain wouldst marry me, 
Now thou art old and tough : ■ 

I cannot ; yet I'd venture thee 
Wert thou but old enough. 

Time causes Changes. 

In ancient times \ was all the rage 

For each rich man to keep a sage \ 

In middle ages 't was the rule 

For men of wealth to keep a. fool ; 

But what with daughters, sons, and cousins, 

Men now-a-days keep fools by dozens. 

On a?i Attempt to raise the Markets. 

Two millers thin, 

Named Bone and Shin, 
Would starve the town, or near it ; 

But be it known 

To Skin and Bone, 
That Flesh and Blood won't bear it. 

Dr. Byrom, F.R.S.^ 

A Trifling Correction. 

Says Tom, who held great contracts of the nation, 
' I Ve made ten thousand pounds by speculation.' 
Cries Charles, i By speculation ! you deceive me ; 
Strike out the s indeed, and I '11 believe thee,' 
H 



98 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



To a?i Unfortunate Poet. 

Unthrifty wretch ! why still confine 
Thy soul and homage to the Nine ? 
? T is time to bid the Nine begone, 
And now take care of number one. 



On the frequent Defeats of the French Army (i76o).( 52 ) 

The toast of each Briton in war's dread alarms, 
O'er bottle or bowl, is ' Success to our arms. 7 
Attacked, put to flight, and soon forc'd from each trench, 
' Success to our legs' is the toast of the French, 



On the Death of a Friar. 

A Friar died the other day, 

And straight to hell he posts away ; 

He knockt for entrance at the gate, 

And wonder'd that they made him wait :' 

He thought himself of such condition, 

That they could ne'er refuse admission . 

At length a page from Satan came, 

And thus address'd him in his name : 

; Monk, you must quickly quit these borders ; 

We know the tenets of your orders ; 

Maxims that shock our whole abode : 

They say on earth you eat your God ! 

And since above you 're so uncivil, 

Below, no doubt, you 'd eat the devil. 



From English Authors. 99 



A Welshman's Cunning and Roguery. 

A Welshman, coming late into an inn, 
Asked the maid what meat there was within ; 
1 Cow-heels/ she answer d, ' and a breast of mutton : 
1 But/ quoth the Welshman, i since I am no glutton, 
Either of both shall serve ; to-night the breast, 
The heels i' th' morning, then light meat is best/ 
At night he took the breast, and did not pay , 
I' th' morning took his heels, and ran away. 



The Aristocrat. 

Patricius said, ' While you Ve existence, 
Keep, son, plebeians at a distance.' 
This speech a tailor overheard, 
And quick replied, 6 1 wish, my Lord, 
You 'd thus advised before your son 
So deeply in my debt had run.' 



Occasioned by a Religious Dispute at Bath. 

On Reason, Faith, and mystery high, 

Two wits harangue the table : 
Bentley ( 53 ) believes he knows not why, 

Nash ( 54 ) swears 't is all a fable. 

Peace, coxcombs, peace, and both agree ! 

Nash, kiss thy empty brother ; 
Religion laughs at foes like thee, 

And dreads a friend like t' other. 



ioo Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

On Bishop Burnet. ( 55 ) 

If heaven is pleased when sinners cease to sin ? 
If hell is pleased when sinners enter in, 
If men are pleased at parting with a knave, 
Then all are pleased — for Burnet 's in his grave. 

Unexpected Kindness. 

1 Oh ! spare me, dear angel, one lock of your hair/ 
A bashful young lover took courage and sighed. 

' T were a sin to refuse you so modest a prayer, 
So take my whole wig,' the sweet creature replied. 

On the First Duke of Dorset a?id his Son. 

Folly and sense, in Dorset's race, 

Alternately do run : 
As Carey one day told his Grace, 

Praising his eldest son. 

But Carey must allow for once 

Exception to the rule, 
For Middlesex is but a dunce, 

Though Dorset be a fool. 

Sir Charles H anbury Williams. 

Peter Pindar parodied this when told that Lady 
Mount Edgecombe wept on hearing of the death of 
a favourite pig : 

dry that tear so round and big, 

Nor waste in sighs your precious wind : 

Death only takes a single pig — 
Your lord and son are still behind. 



From English Authors. 101 



On the Invitation to the Epigrammatists made by 
Edward Cave, Bookseller, who commenced the 
Gentleman's Magazine, in 1734. {He had offered 
a Prize for the best.) 

The Psalmist to a cave for refuge fled, 
And vagrants followed him for want of bread ; 
Ye happy bards ! would you with Plenty dwell, 
Fly to that best of Caves in Clerkenwell.( 56 ) 

Literary Quarrels. 

Ouoth David to Daniel, ' Why is it these scholars 
Abuse one another whenever they speak ? ' 

Quoth Daniel to David, ' It nat'rally follows 

Folks come to hard words if they meddle with Greek ! ' 

Matrimonial Jars. 

You 7 re a false cruel wretch, not a year after marriage 
To try to degrade me, and put down the carriage? 
4 A lady, my dear/ was the answering reproach, 
' Is known by her carriage, but not by her coach? 

The Keeper of Secrets. 

Charles keeps a secret well, or 1 7 m deceived : 
For nothing Charles can say will be believed. 

F } o Ilia's Library. 

Pollio, who values nothing that ? s within, 
Buys books, like beavers, only for their skin. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Tax on Asses. 

1 Why tax not asses ?' Bob does say : 
1 Why, if they did, you 'd have to pay.' 

The Fop. 

No wonder he is vain of coat or ring ; 
Vain of himself, he may of any thing. 

On the Statue of George I. being placed on the Top 
of Bloomsbury Church. 

The King of Great Britain was reckon 7 d before 
The head of the Church by all Protestant people ; 

His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more, 
For with them he 's now made the head of the steeple. 

On a Man who thought he had i?ive?ited a Method of 
Flying to the Moon. 

And will Volatio quit this world so soon, 
And fly to his own native seat, the moon ? 
'Twill serve, however, in some little stead, 
That he sets out with such an empty head. 

Doddridge. 

Dum vivimus vivamus, 

i Live while you live/ the Epicure would say, 
1 And seize the pleasure of the present day.' 
' Live while you live/ the sacred preacher cries, 
< And give to God each moment as it flies ! ' 
Lord, in my view let both united be, 
I live in pleasure while I live to Thee. 

Doddridge. 



From English Authors. 103 

Elegant Wit. 

As in smooth oil the razor best is whet, 
So wit is by politeness sharpest set ; 
Their want of edge from their offence is seen, 
Both pain us least when exquisitely keen. 

Dr. Yoiuig. 

A Ready Answer. 

Says Jack Wilkes to a lady, ' Pray name, if you can, 
Of all your acquaintance, the handsomest man.' 
The lady replied, ' If you/d have me speak true, 
He 's the handsomest man that 's the most unlike you.' 

The Quarrel. 

Says Richard to Joe, ' Thou'rt a very sad dog, 
For thou canst write verses no more than a log.' 
Says Joseph to Dick, ' Prithee, ring-rhyme, get hence, 
Sure my verse, at least, is as good as thy sense.' 
Was e'er such a contest recorded in song ? 
The one 's in the right, and the other 's not wrong. 

' Money makes the mare to go. 7 

Why liv'd Calliope so long a maid ? 
Because she had no dowry to be paid. 

On George II. a?id Colley Cibber.^) 

Augustus still survives in Maro's strain, 
And Spenser's verse prolongs Eliza's reign ; 
Great George's acts let tuneful Cibber sing, 
For Nature form'd the poet for the king. 

Dr. S. Johnson. 



io4 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On the setting up Butler's Monument in Westminster 

Abbey. 

Whilst Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive, 

No generous patron would a dinner give ; ( 59 ) 

See him when starved to death and turn' d to dust, 

Presented with a monumental bust. 

The poet's fate is here in emblem shown — 

He ask'd for bread, and he received a stone. 

S. Wesley. 

Complaint of the Ghost of Butler, Author of Hudi- 
bras, against his prete?tded Monument in West- 
minster Abbey. 

Again my garret poverty is shown 
By the mean cov' ring of this Portland stone ; 
I lose my fame as martyrs lose their breath, 
For, like St. Stephen, I am stoned to death. 



The Universities. 

No wonder that Oxford and Cambridge profound 
In learning and science so greatly abound ; 
Since some carry thither a little each day, 
And we meet with so few who bring any away. 



To an ugly talkative Old Maid. 

If you'd be married, first grow young ; 
Wear a mask; and hold your tongue* 



Fi'om English Authors. 105 

Archbishop Seeker, born and educated among Dis- 
senters, and in early life accustomed to speak freely on 
religious subjects, was supposed to be much influenced 
by worldly motives. When he was made Primate 
(1758) this epigram appeared : 

The bishops often pose us to know who they are, 
With their Ebor and Vigorn and Roffen and Car ; 
But his Grace of the day lets us know all we want, 
For he gives his true name when he writes Thomas 
Cant. 

George I. having sent a regiment of horse to Ox- 
ford, and at the same time a collection of books to 
Cambridge, Doctor Trapp wrote the following Epi- 
gram : 

Our royal master saw, with heedful eyes, 
. The wants of his two Universities : 
Troops he to Oxford sent, as knowing why, 
That learned body wanted loyalty : 
But books to Cambridge gave, as well discerning 
That that right loyal body wanted learning. 

An epigram which Doctor Johnson, to show his con- 
tempt of the Whiggish notions which prevailed at 
Cambridge, was fond of quoting ; but having done 
it in the presence of Sir William Browne, the physi- 
cian, was answered by him thus : 

The King to Oxford sent his troop of horse, 
For Tories own no argument but force : 
With equal care to Cambridge books he sent, 
For Whigs allow no force but argument. 



io6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Johnson did Sir William the justice to say, 'it was 
one of the happiest extemporaneous productions he 
ever met with ; ' though he once comically confessed 
that ' he hated to repeat the wit of a Whig urged in 
support of Whiggism.' It is well known that Tory 
principles were popular at Oxford for some time after 
the Hanoverian family's advent to power. Bishop 
Moore's library, sent by the king to Cambridge, con- 
sisted of 30,000 volumes of printed books and manu- 
scripts. 

On the Funeral of a Rich Miser. 

W T hat num'rous lights this wretch's corpse attend, 
Who, in his lifetime, saved a candle's end ! 

A Good Hearing. 

1 1 heard last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead: ' 
' I 'm very glad to hear it too,' cries Ned. 

The Alarms of Conscience. 

When thunder rumbles in the skies, 
Down to the cellar Vallius flies ; 
There, to be sure, he 's safe : why so ? 
He thinks there is no God below. 

The Retort. 

1 My head, Tom, 9 s confused with your nonsense and 

bother, 
It goes in at one ear and out at the other.' 
' Of that, my friend Dick, I was ever aware, 
For nonsense your head is a pure thoroughfare.' 



From English Authors. 107 



Youth. 

The pliant soul of erring youth 
Is like soft wax, or moisten' d clay; 

Apt to receive all heavenly truth, 
Or yield to tyrant ill the sway. 

Shun evil in your early years, 
And manhood may to virtue rise; 

But he who in his youth appears 
A fool, in age will ne'er be wise. 

A Mock Epigram on Epigrams, 

If the man who turnips cries , 
Cry not when his father dies, 
'T is a proof that he had rather 
Have a turnip than his father. 

Dr. Johnson. 

On Oliver Goldsmith. 

See Goldsmith lie neglected and distressed, 
By poverty, disease, and debts oppress'd ; 
In want's cold hour his flatt'ring patrons fail, 
And death alone protects him from a jail. 



On the Fading of Sir Joshua Reynolds's Colo7trs.( m ) 

The art of painting was at first designed 
To bring the dead, our ancestors, to mind ; 
But this same painter has reversed the plan, 
And made the picture die before the man. 



io8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On Loutherbourg'. 

Artist, I own thy genius — but the touch 
May be too restless, and the glare too much ; 
And sure none ever saw a landscape shine 
Basking in beams of such a sun as thine, 
But felt a fervid dew upon his phiz, 
And panting cried, < Oh ! Lord, how hot it is ! 

L isle Bowles 

Womaifs Influence. 

Man nattering man not always can prevail ; 
But woman flattering man can never fail. 

Marriott. 



EPIGRAMS BY GARRICK. 

I 

Quin was celebrated for his acting the character of 
Richard III. Hearing that Goodman's-fields Theatre 
was crowded every night to see Garrick in that charac- 
ter, he jealously exclaimed that ' Garrick was a new 
religion ; Whitfield was followed for a time, but that 
they would all come to church again.' Mr. Garrick, 
who had a quick and happy talent in turning an epi- 
gram, gave this smart reply to Ouin's bon mot : 

Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own, 
Complains that heresy infects the town ; 
That Whitfield- Garrick has misled the age, 
And taints the sound religion of the stage. 



From English Authors. 109 

Schism, he cries, has turned the nation's brain, 
But eyes will open, and to church again ! 
Thou great infallible, forbear to roar, 
Thy bulls and errors are revered no more : 
When doctrines meet with general approbation, 
It is not heresv, but reformation. 



0)i Quin the Actor. 

Says epicure Quin, 'should the devil in hell 

In fishing for men take delight, 
His hook bate with ven'son. I love it so well, 

Indeed I am sure I should bite.' 

3 

Colloquial Epigram.^ 1 ) 

U'ilmot. You should call at his house, or should send 
him a card : 

Can Garrick alone be so cold ? 
Garrick. Shall I, a poor player, and still poorer bard. 

Shall Folly with Camden make bold ? 
What joy can I give him ? dear Wilmot declare ; 

Promotion no honours can bring ; 
To him the Great Seals are but labour and care : 

Wish joy to your country and King. 

4 
On Doctor Goldsmith's Character 1st leal Cookery. 

Are these the choice dishes the Doctor has sent us ? 
Is this the great poet whose works so content us ? 
This Goldsmith's fine feast, who has written fine books ? 
Heaven sends us good meat — but the devil sends cooks. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



5 
Garrictfs Mock Epitaph for Goldsmith. ( 62 ) 

Here lies Nolly Goldsmith, for shortness call'd Noll, 
Who wrote like an Angel, but talk'd like poor Poll. 



On Dr. Johns oris Dictionary. 

Talk of war with a Briton, he '11 boldly advance 
That one English soldier will beat ten of France. 
Would we alter the boast from the sword to the pen, 
The odds are still greater, still greater our men. 
In the deep mines of science though Frenchmen may toil, 
Can their strength be compared to Locke, Newton, and 

Boyle ? 
Let them rally their heroes, send forth all their powers, 
Their verse-men and prose-men, then match them with 

ours. 
First Milton and Shakspeare, like gods in the fight, 
Have put their whole drama and epic to flight. 
In satires, epistles, and odes would they cope, 
Their numbers retreat before Dryden and Pope, 
And Johnson, well armed, like a hero of yore, 
Has beat forty French, ( 63 ) and will beat forty more. 

7 
On Pitt, first Earl of Chatham.^) 

Shall Chatham die, and be forgot ? Oh, no ! 
Warm from its source let grateful sorrow flow ; 
His matchless ardour fired each fear-struck mind, 
His genius soar'd when Britons droop'd and pined. 



From Endish Authors. 1 1 1 



Dr. (afterwards Sir John) Hill, a fashionable physi- 
cian of the 1 8th century, was ambitious, like his proto- 
type Sir R. Blackmore, to combine poetry with physic; 
but having by his folly, conceit, and doggrel poetry dis- 
gusted the wits of the Literary Club, of which Garrick, 
Johnson, Burke, &c. were members, he became the hero 
of some of the best of the medical squibs of the day. 
Having described his Farce of The Route as 'by a 
Person of honour/ Garrick wrote this Epigram on 
him : 

For Physic and Farces his equal there scarce is ; 
His Farces are Physic, his Physic a farce is. 



Other epigrams upon him appeared, of which the 
following may be quoted : 

Thou essence of dock, and valerian, and sage, 
At once the disgrace and the pest of your age ; 
The worst that we wish thee, for all thy sad crimes, 
Is to take thine own physic and read thine own rhymes. 

To which is replied, by a sort of semi-chorus of the 
members : 

The wish should be in form reversed, 

To suit the Doctor's crimes ; 
For if he takes his physic first 

He'll never read his rhymes. 



ii2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Hill having attacked Garrick's pronunciation and 
accused him of pronouncing the i in mirth and birth 
as if it were an u, the great actor wrote the following : 

If J t is true, as you say, that I Ve injured a letter, 
I '11 change my note soon, and, I hope, for the better, 
May the just rights of Letters, as well as of men, 
Hereafter be fixed by the tongue and the pen. 
Most devoutly I wish that they both have their due, 
And that / may be never mistaken for U. 

D. G. 

Hill's answer to the Junto shows he was not to be 
attacked with impunity, and that he was a match for 
the best of them: 

Ye desperate Junto ! ye great ! and ye small ! 

Who combat dukes, doctors, the deuce, and them all : 

Whether gentlemen scribblers, or poets in jail, 

Your impertinent wishes shall certainly fail. 

I '11 take neither essence, nor balsam of honey — 

Do you take the physic, and I '11 take the money. 



On Garrick's Pamphlet, i Directions to the Clergy 
how to read Prayers with proper Emphasis J 

Dumb dogs that know not how to bark, 
The Priests were termed in Israel's days : 
But now they catch Devotion's spark, 
When Players teach them how to pray. 



From English Authors. 113 



Shakspeare and Garrick. 

When Shakspeare died, he left behind 
No mortal of an equal mind. 
When Garrick play'd, he lived again, 
Unrivaird 'mongst the sons of men. 
But Garrick dies ! and, mark the sequel, 
The world will never see their equal. 



On Garrick and Barry in the Character of King Lear. 

The town has found out different ways 

To praise its different Lears ; 
To Barry it gives loud huzzas, 

To Garrick only tears. 

A King ? ' Ay, every inch a King ! ' 

Such Barry doth appear ; 
But Garrick 's quite another thing, 

He's every inch King Lear. 



On Garrick's Funeral. 

Through weeping London's crowded streets, 

As Garrick's funeral pass'd, 
Contending wits and poets strove 

Which should desert him last. 



ii4 Epigrams, A ncient and Modern. 

Not so this world behaved to Him 

Who came this world to save ; 
By solitary Joseph borne 

Unheeded to the grave. 

Bishop Home. 

Johnson's Definitions incorrect. 

In the dictionary of words, as our Johnson affirms, 
Purse and Budget are nearly synonymous terms ; 
But perhaps upon earth there ? s no contrast so great 
As Budget and Purse in the dictionary of state ; — 
The ministers language all language reverses, 
For filling his Budget is empt'ing our Purses. 

A Worldly Choice. 

When Loveless married Lady Jenny, 
Whose beauty was the ready penny ; 
' I chose her/ said he, 6 like old plate, 
Not for the fashion, but the weight.' 

Mock Epitaph on John Como, of Stratford-on-Avon. 
notorious for his wealth and usury. 

Ten in the hundred lies here ingraved : 

? T is a hundred to ten his soul is not saved. 

If any man ask who lies in this tomb ? 

< Oh ! oh ! J quoth the devil, "tis my John-a-Comb. ; 

Shakspeare. 



From English Authors. 115 



EPIGRAMS ON THE DOCTORS. 

Doctor Wynter to Doctor Cheyney, on his Books in 
favour of a Vegetable Diet. 

Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot, 
Thou did'st thy system learn ; 

From Hippocrate thou had'st it not, 
Nor Celsus, nor Pitcairn. 

Suppose we own that milk is good, 

And say the same of grass; 
The one for babes is only food, 

The other for an ass. 

Doctor ! our new prescription try 

(A friend's advice forgive) : 
Eat grass, reduce thyself and die ; 

Thy patients then may live. 



Doctor Cheynefs Reply to Wynter. 

My system, Doctor, is my own, 

No tutor I pretend ; — 
My blunders hurt myself alone, 

But yours your dearest friend. 

Were you to milk and straw confln'd, 
Thrice happy might you be ; 

Perhaps you might regain your mind, 
And from your wit get free. 



1 1 6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

I can't your kind prescription try, 

But heartily forgive ; 
'T is nat'ral you should bid me die 

That you yourself may live. 

Death and the Doctor : 
Occasioned by a Physician's lampooning a Friend, 

As Doctor Wynter musing sat, 

Death saw, and came without delay ; 

Enters the room, begins the chat, 
With ' Doctor, why so thoughtful, pray?' 

The Doctor started from his place, 
But soon they more familiar grew ; 

And then he told his piteous case, 

How trade was low, and friends were few. 

' Away with fear/ the phantom said, 
As soon as he had heard his tale : 

' Take my advice and mend your trade : 
We both are losers if you fail. 

c Go write, your wit in satire show, 
No matter, whether smart or true ; 

Call ~ names, the greatest foe 

To dullness, folly, pride, and you. 

1 Then copies spread, — there lies the trick, — 
Among your friends be sure you send 'em ; 

For all who read will soon grow sick ; 
And, when you 've call'd upon, attend 'em. 



From E?iglish Authors. r 1 7 



' Thus trade increasing by degrees, 
Doctor, we both shall have our ends ; 

For you are sure to have your fees, 
And I am sure to have your friends. 7 

On Doctor Lettsom. 

If anybody comes to I, 

I physic, bleeds, and sweats 'em, 

If, after that, they like to die, 
Why, what care I ? 1 Letts 'm. 

Written by the late Doctor Walcott (Peter Pindar), 
on being advised by Doctor Geach to drink ass's milk, 
the latter declaring that it had been of great service to 
himself: 

And, Doctor, do you really think 

That ass's milk I ought to drink ? 

'T would quite remove my cough, you say. 

And drive all old complaints away. 

It cured yourself — I grant that's true : 

But then 't was mother's milk to you. 

To Doctor Abel, in his Sickness. 

Abel ! prescribe thyself ; trust not another : 

Some envious leech, like Cain, may slay his brother. 

The Consultation. 

Three Doctors met in consultation, 
Proceed with great deliberation ; 
The case was desperate, all agreed ! 
But what of that ? they must be fee'd. 



1 1 8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



The Valiant Doctor. 

From no man yet you Ve run away ! 

Doctor, that may be true ; 
You Ve kilVd so many in your day, 

Men mostly fly from you. 

Two worse than One. 

A single doctor like a sculler plies, 
And all his art, and all his physic tries ; 
But two physicians, like a pair of oars, 
Conduct you soonest to the Stygian shores. 

The Captain and the Doctor. 

A Robber on a Captain popt, 

The valiant hero fled ! 
He afterwards a Doctor stopt, 

The Doctor shot him dead. 

Answer. 

There 's nothing new in this affair, 

'T is practised every day- 
Physicians still with courage kill, 
While soldiers run away. 

The Doctor and Undertaker. 

At High gate, by salubrious air, 
Had thriven butchers, bakers ; 

But since a. doctor settled there, 
None thrive but undertakers. 



From English Authors. j 1 9 

George the Third's Physicians. 

The King employ' d three doctors daily, 

Willis, Heberden, and Baillie ; 

All exceeding clever men, 

Baillie, Willis, Heberden : 

But doubtful which most sure to kill is, 

Baillie, Heberden, or Willis. 

The Lawyer a?id the Doctor. 

The doctor lives by sporting with our lives ; 
And, by our follies fed, the lawyer thrives. 

The Doctor a? id the Patient. 

1 Slept you well ? ; ; Very well.' i My draught did good? ' 
i It did no harm ; for yonder it hath stood/ 

The Doctors Three Faces. 

Three faces wear the doctor ; when first sought 
An angel's ; and a god's the cure half wrought ; 
But when, that cure complete, he seeks his fee, 
The devil looks less terrible than he. 

Mock Epitaph on a Womaji who had an Issue in 
her Leg. 

Here lieth Margaret, otherwise Meg, 
Who died without issue, save one in her leg: 
Strange woman was she, and exceedingly cunning, 
For whilst one leg stood still, the other kept running. 



Epigra,7ns, Ancient and Modern. 



On a Mirror. 

A mirror has been well defined 
An emblem of a thoughtful mind ; 
For look upon it when you will, 
You find it is reflecting still. 

Keen Sight. 

Jack his own merit sees : this gives him pride, 
For he sees more than all the world beside. 

The Fate of Poets. 

With eyes of wonder the gay shelves behold. 
Poets, all rags alive, now clad in gold ; 
In life and death one common fate they share, 
And on their backs still all their riches wear. 

The Poefs Reply. 

As Bayes, whose cup with poverty was dash'd, 

Lay long in bed, while his one shirt was wash'd, 

The dame appeafd, and, holding it to view, 

Said : ' If 't is wash'd again 't Avill wash in two.' 

' Indeed/ cries Bayes ; ' then wash it, pray, good cousin. 

And wash it, if you can, into a dozen/ 

On the Malvern Waters. 

Those waters, so famed by the great Dr. Wall,( 65 ) 
Consist in containing just nothing at all. 



From English Authors. 121 



On a Fat Gentleman of Oxford. 

When Tadloe treads the streets, the paviers cry, 
' God bless you, Sir ! ' and lay their rammers by. 

On a Lusty Gentleman of Cambridge remarkable for 
his Constant Attendance at Chapel. 

That the stones of our chapel are all black and white, 

Is a fact most undoubtedly true ; 
But since T r walks over them morning and night, 

'T is a wonder they 're not black and blue. 

Right Hon. G. Canning. 



Mock Epitaph on the Death of Foote the Actor. ( 66 ) 

Foote, from his earthly stage, alas ! is hurl'd ; 
Death took him off, who took off all the world. 



A Philosophical Epigram. 

Says the Earth to the Moon, ' You 're a pilfering jade : 
What you steal from the sun is beyond all belief! ' 

Fair Cynthia replies ; ' Madam Earth, hold your prate 
The receiver is always as bad as the thief.' 

On Death. 

On Death, though wit is oft display'd, 
No epigram could e'er be made ; 
Poets stop short, and lose their breath, 
When coming to the point of Death. 



Epigrams ', Ancient and Modern. 



On a Ladfs Grey Hair. 

Though age has changed thee, late so fair, 

I love thee ne'er the worse ; 
For when he took thy golden hair, 

He filTd with gold thy purse. 

Mock Epitaph on Archbishop Potter. 

Alack, and well-a-day, 

Potter himself is turn'd to clay. 

Comparative Bliss. 

Some for the sake of titles grand, 
Oft stoop to kiss a sovereign's hand ; 
Others, at Rome, will stoop so low, 
They'll kiss the Holy Father's toe ; 
But I exceed them all in bliss 
When Flora's ruby lips I kiss. 

Tom Paine. 

On a Ma?i becoming suddenly Bald. 

All the hairs of Tom's head have quite left it of late : 
Yes ! they wisely withdraw from so foolish a pate. 

On the two beautiful Miss Gunnings. ( 67 ) 

Sly Cupid, perceiving our modern beaux' hearts 
Were proof to the sharpest and best of his darts, 
His power to maintain, the young urchin, grown 

cunning, 
Has laid down his bow, and now conquers by Gunning. 



From English Authors. 123 



Hti?nan Greatness. 

We gaze on a billow with wonder and awe, 
Swelling high as it threatens the shore ; 

Till, broken and lost, we forget what we saw, 
And think of that billow no more. 

So the pomp of the great, so the fame of the brave, 
So the treasures of glory and pride, [wave, 

Though they mount on the flood, like the high-swelling 
Like that, too, must ebb with the tide. 

On an Ignorant Sot. 

Five letters his life and his death will express : 
He scarce knew A. B. C, and he died of X. S. 

Mock Epitaph on Gay the Poet. 

Well then ! poor Gay lies underground, 
So there's an end of honest Jack : 

So little justice here he found, 
J T is ten to one he '11 ne'er come back. 



Pope. 






To a Friend in Distress. 



I wish thy lot, now bad, still worse my friend, 
For when at worst, they say, things always mend, 

Ccwper. 

On a Gentleman named Heddy. 

In reading his name it may truly be said, 

You will make that man dy if you cut off his Hed. 



124 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Reason for Thick Ankles. 

1 Harry, I cannot think,' says Dick, 
' What makes my ankles grow so thick.' 
'You do not recollect,' says Harry, 
i How great a cat/ they have to carry.' 

Joe hates a hypocrite : which shows 
Self-love is not a fault of Joe's. 

On Friendship. 

I love a friend that 's frank and just, 
To whom a tale I can entrust ; 
But when a man 's to slander given, 
From such a friend, protect me, Heaven ! 

On a Wine Merchant. 

The vilest of compounds while Balderdash vends, 
And brews his dear poison for all his good friends ; 
No wonder they never can get him to dine — 
He's afraid they 'd oblige him to drink his own wine. 

Mock Epitaph 071 a Member of the Kildare Family. 

Who killed Kildare ? who dared Kildare to kill? 
Death killed Kildare, who dare kill whom he will. 

Dean Swift. 

All Flora's friends have died, it seems, before her: 
I wish my wife had been a friend of Flora. 



From English Authors. 



125 



Roman Catholic Confession. 

A father ask'd the priest his boy to bless, 

Who forthwith told him he must first confess. 

' Well/ quoth the boy, ' suppose 1 'm willing, 

What is your charge ? ' ' To you it is a shilling. 7 

' Must all men pay ? And all men make confession ? ' 

j Yes ! every one of Catholic profession.' 

j And whom do you confess to ?' ' Why, the dean.' 

' And does he charge you ? ' ' Yes ! a whole thirteen/ 

'And do the deans confess ?' 'Yes, boy, they do, 

Confess to bishops, and pay smartly too.' 

' Do bishops, Sir, confess ? If so, to whom ? ' 

1 Why, they confess, and pay the Pope of Rome.' 

' Well,' quoth the boy, * all this is mighty odd. 

And does the Pope confess ?' ' Oh ! yes, to God.' 

1 And does God charge the Pope ? ' ' No,' quoth the 

priest, 
' God charges nothing.' i Oh ! then, God is best. 
He is both able to forgive and willing — 
To Him I shall confess, and save my shilling.' 

The Promise Kept. 

Thus, with kind words Sir Edward cheer'd his friend ; 

' Dear Dick ! thou on my friendship may'st depend ; 

I know thy fortune is but very scant ; 

But, be assured, I '11 ne'er see Dick in want.' 

Dick's soon confined — his friend, no doubt, would free 

him : 
His word he kept — in want he ne'er would see him. 



126 Epigrams, A?icie7it and Modern. 

To Voltaire 
Ridiculing Milton's Allegory of Sin a?id Death. 

Thou art so witty, profligate, and thin, 

At once we think thee, Satan, Death, and Sin. 

Dr. Young. 

An elderly gentleman named Page having picked 
up the glove of a lady whom he greatly admired, and 
wishing to make her an offer, sent it to her with these 
lines : 

If that from Glove you take the letter G, 
Then Glove is Love, and that I send to thee. 

To which the lady sent the following reply : 

If that from Page you take the letter P, 
Then Page is Age, and that won't do for me. 



On Lord Chesterfield ( fourth Earl) and his Son. 

Vile Stanhope ! demons blush to tell, 

In twice two hundred places, 
Has shown his son the road to hell, 

Escorted by the Graces. 

/ 

But little did th' ungenerous lad 
Concern himself about them ; 

For, base, degenerate, meanly bad, 
He sneak'd to hell without them. 

7, k^ >- 



From English Authors. 127 



Mock Epitaph on a Coroner who hanged himself. 

He lived and died 
By suicide. 



The Prisoners. 

1 We all are innocent,' the prisoners cry ; 
' Believe us, none here willingly would lie? 

On the beautiful Duchess of Hamilton (afterwards 
Duchess of Argyll) viewing the Transit of Venus 
in 1769, at Glasgow University. 

They tell me Venus is in the sun, 

But I say that 's a story ; 
Venus is not in the sun, 

She 's in the observatory. 



Verses that won the Prize at Vienna on the Empress's 
(Maria Theresa) Birthday. 

O regina, orbis prima et pulcherrima ridens 
Es Venus, incedens Juno, Minerva loquens. 

Sir C. H. Williams. 

Thus translated : 

Hail, peerless princess ! Juno's self in mien, 
Pallas in wit, in smiles the Cyprian queen ! 



128 Epigrams, A ncient a?td Modern. 

Worthless Benevolence. 

The other day, says Ned to Joe, 
Near Bedlam's confines groping, 

' Whene'er I hear the cries of woe ? 
My hand is always open.' 

c I own/ says Joe, ' that to the poor 

You prove it ev'ry minute ; 
Your hand is open, to be sure, 

But then there 's nothing in it.' 

' Mary Aston,' said Doctor Johnson, ' was a beauty, 

and a scholar, and a wit, and a Whig ; and she talked 

all in praise of liberty ; and so I made this epigram 

upon her. She was the loveliest creature I ever saw : ' 

Liber ne esse velim, suasisti, pulchra Maria, 

Ut maneam liber, pulchra Maria, vale ! 

Thus translated by Boswell: 

Adieu, Maria ! since you'd have me free : 
For, who beholds thy charms a slave must be. 

A correspondent of the Gentlemen? s Magazine sug- 
gests that Johnson had in his mind an epigram on a 
young lady who appeared at a masquerade in Paris, 
habited as a Jesuit, during the height of the contention 
between the Jansenists and Molinists concerning free 
will. 

On s'etonne ici que Calviniste 
Eut pris l'habit de Moliniste, 
Puisque que cette jeune beaute 
Ote a chacun sa liberte, 
N'est ce pas une Janseniste ?( 68 ) 



From English Authors. 129 



Mock Epitaph 011 a Fellow of Trinity College. 

Here lies a Doctor of Divinity, 
Who was a Fellow too of Trinity ; 
He knew as much about Divinity 
As other fellows do of Trinity. 

Porson. 

On Self -Conceit. 

Hail ! charming power of self-opinion ! 
For none are slaves in thy dominion : 
Secure in thee, the mind ? s at ease ; 
The vain have only one to please. 

On a Picture of a Martyrdom. 
'T is an exquisite martyrdom, Daub, that you paint : 
You murder the hangman as well as the saint ! 

Mock Epitaph on a Miser. 

Here crumbling lies, beneath this mould, 
A man, whose sole delight was gold ; 
Content was never once his guest, 
Though thrice ten thousand fill'd his chest ; 
For he, poor man, with all his store, 
Died in great want — the want of more. 

The April Fool. 

i This,' Richard says, ' is April-day, 
And though so mighty wise you be, 

A bet, whate'er you like, I '11 lay, 
Ere night I make a fool of thee.' 
K 



130 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

' A fool I may be, it is true, 

But, Dick, ' cries Tom, ~< ne'er be afraid, 
No man can make a fool of you, 

For you 're a fool already made.' 

The Merry Mourner. 

Cries Ned to his neighbours, as onward they prest, 
Conveying his wife to the place of long rest, 
' Take, friends, I beseech you, a little more leisure ; 
For why should we thus make a toil of a pleasure ? ' 

Conjugal Jars. 

Know we not all, the Scripture saith, 
That man and wife are one till death ? 
But Peter and his scolding wife 
Wage such an endless war of strife, 
You 'd swear, on passing Peter's door, 
That man and wife at least were, four. 

The Fourth Commandment Broken. 

At church I heard the parson say, 

' No man must work on Sabbath day.' 

But, oh ! good heaven, how he did work, 
When he got home, with knife and fork ! 

The Punsters. 

At a tavern one night 

Messrs. More, Strange, and Wright 
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange : 

Says More, ' Of us three, 

The whole town will agree 
There is only one knave, and that 's Strange: 



From English Authors. 131 



' Yes/ says Strange (rather sore) 

' I 'm sure there 's one More, 
A most terrible knave and a bite, 

Who cheated his mother, 

His sister and brother/ 
' O yes/ replied More, ' that is Wright,'' 



Proper Retort. 

A haughty courtier, meeting in the streets 
A scholar, him thus insolently greets : 
' Base men to take the wall I ne'er permit ; ' 
The scholar said, ' I do/ and gave him it. 



To a Bad Fiddler. 

Old Orpheus play'd so well he mov'd Old Nick, 
Whilst thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddlestick. 



A Woman 1 s Mind. 

What is lighter than a feather ? 
Dust, my friend, in driest weather. 
What ? s lighter than the dust, I pray ? 
The wind that wafts it far away. 
What is lighter than the wind ? 
The lightness of a woman's mind. 
And what is lighter than the last ? 
Nay ! now, my friend you have me fast. 



132 Epigrams, Aiicient and Modem. 



A Comparison. 

We men have many faults — but women have but two : 
There 's nothing good they say, and nothing good they 
do. 

King Bladud and his Hogs. 

When Bladud once espied some hogs 
Lie wallowing in the steaming bogs, 
Where issue forth those sulphurous springs 
Since honour 'd by more potent kings, 
Vext at the brutes alone possessing 
What ought t' have been a common blessing, 
He drove them thence in mighty wrath, 
And built the stately town of Bath : 
The hogs, thus banish 'd by their prince, 
Have lived in Bristol ever since. 

Rev. Mr. Groves of Claverton. 

On Woman's Will. 

That man 's a fool who tries by art and skill 

To stem the torrent of a woman's will ; 

For if she will, she will, you may depend on 't, 

And if she won't, she won't, and there 's an end on 't. 

On Man's Will. 

That woman 's wrong who tries by force or skill 
To stop the torrent of a man 's self-will ; 
For if he says he won't, he will, you may depend on 't, 
And if he says he will, he won't, and there 's an end 
on \ 



From English Authors. 133 



Trifles 71 ot to be trifled with. 

Brunetta's wise in actions great and rare, 
But scorns on trifles to bestow her care. 
Think nought a trifle, though it small appear, 
Small sands the mountain, moments make the year. 

The Royal Marriage Act, passed 1772, gave rise to 
many jeux-d'esprits, one of which is the following : 

Quoth Dick to Tom : * This Act appears 

Absurd, as I "m alive : 
To take the crown at eighteen years, 

The wife at twenty-five. 

' The mystery how shall we explain ? 

For sure, as well \ was said, 
Thus early if they re fit to reign, 

They must be tit to wed. 3 

Quoth Tom to Dick : ' Thou art a fool, 

And little know'st of life ; 
Alas I ; t is easier far to rule 

A kingdom than a wife/ 



Matrimony. 

Cries Sue to Will, 'midst matrimonial strife, 
( Cursed be the hour I first became your wife ! ' 

' By all the powers/ said Will, ' but that 7 s too bad ! 
You we cursed the only happy hour we Ve had. J 



134 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



A nti- Matrimonial. 

He that 's married once may be 
Pardoned his infirmity. 
He that marries twice is mad : 
But, if you can find a fool 
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad, 
Flog him, flog him, back to school. 

The Irish Place-hunter. 

A place under government 
Was all that Paddy wanted : 

He married soon a scolding wife, 
And thus his wish was granted. 



Mock Epitaph on Quick, the Actor, famous in his day 
for Travestie of Plays he pe?fo?'med.( Q9 ) 

The great debt of Nature he paid, as all must, 
And came, like a gentleman, down with his dust. 

1 B rev is esse lab or o.' 

Celia her sex's foible shuns ; 

Her tongue no length of larum runs ; 

Two phrases answer every part : 

One gain* d, one breaks, her husband's heart : 

I will, she said, when made a bride ; 

I won't — through all her life beside. 



From English Authors 135 



Matrimony* 

Ah, Matrimony ! thou art like to Jeremiah's figs. 
The good were very good, the bad too sour to feed the 
pigs. 

Peter Pindar. 

On Miss Vassal {Wife of third Lord Holland) at 
a Masquerade, February 27, 1786. 

Imperial nymph ! ill-suited is thy name 
To speak the wonders of that radiant frame; 
Where'er thy sovereign form on earth is seen, 
All eyes are vassals — thou alone a queen. 

Character. 

See thou thy credit keep ; 't is quickly gone : 
T is ^ain'd bv manv actions, but ; t is lost bv one. 



Recipe for a Good Match. 

Take a scold and a blockhead. The match must be 

good — 
To make a good match vou have brimstone and wood. 



The Kings of Europe. 

Why, pray, of late do Europe's kings 
No jester in their courts admit? 

They 're grown such stately solemn things, 
To bear a joke they think not fit. 



136 Epigrams ) Ancient and Modem. 



But though each court a jester lacks, 
To laugh at monarchs to their face, 

All mankind do, behind their backs, 
Supply the honest jester's place. 

On Mr. Pitfs being pelted by the Mob, on Lord Mayor s 
Day 1787. 

The City -feast inverted here we find, 
For Pitt had his dessert before he dined. 

On Oxford. By Cowper, on being refused a Subscrip- 
tion to his Translation of Homer. 

Could Homer come himself, distress'd and poor, 
And tune his harp at Rhedycina's ( 70 ) door, 
The rich old vixen would exclaim, I fear, 
' Begone ! no tramper gets a farthing here.' 



On the Bibacity of Pitt and the Ga?nbling of Fox. 

On folly every fool his talent tries ; 

It needs some toil to imitate the wise ; 

Though few like Fox can speak — like Pitt can think, 

Yet all like Fox can game — like Pitt can drink. 



Good Advice. 

That thou may'st injure no man, dovelike be, 
And serpentlike, that none may injure thee. 

Camper. 



From English Authors. 137 

Travellers Defended. 

'T is stated by a captious tribe, 
Travellers each other but transcribe ; 
This charge to truth has no pretension, 
For half they write ? s their own invention. 

On Two Contractors for Rum and Grain. 

To rob the public two contractors come : 
One cheats in Com, the other cheats in Rum. 
Which is the greater rogue, ye wits, explain — 
A rogue in spirit, or a rogue in grain ? 

The Gambler. 

c To fortune I but little owe/ 

A losing gamester cried ; 
' Be thankful, then, for all must know 

You owe enough beside.' 



EPIGRAMS BY BURNS. 

I 
A False Face True. 

That there is falsehood in his looks 

I must and will deny ; 
They say their master is a knave, 

And sure they do not lie. 



1 38 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

2 
On Elphinstonis Translation of Martial s Epigrams. 

O thou whom Poetry abhors, 
Whom Prose has turned out of doors ! 
Heard'st thou that groan ? proceed no further, 
'T was laurell'd Martial roaring murder. 



Written at Inverary, on an Imaginary Slight at the 
Inn. 

Whoe'er he be that sojourns here, 

I pity much his case, 
Unless he come to wait upon 

The Lord their God, his Grace. 

There ? s nothing here but Highland pride, 
And Highland scab and hunger; 

If Providence has sent me here, 
; T was surely in His anger. 



4 
A Description of the Ancient Scottish Nobility. 

That bootless host of high-born beggars, 
Macleans, Mackenzies, and Macgregors. 



From English Authors. 139 

5 

The Book-worms. 

Through and through the inspired leaves, 

Ye maggots, make your windings : 
But, oh ! respect his lordship's taste, 

And spare his golden bindings. 



The Gay Widow. 

Her mourning is all make-believe ; 

'T is plain there's nothing in it; 
With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve, 

The while she 's laughing in it. 

On One who Married his Mistress. 

i God's noblest work 's an honest man? 

Says Pope's instructive line : 
To make an honest woman, then, 

Most surely is divine. 

Irish Wit. 

A Pat, an old joker, and Yankee, more sly, 

Once riding together, a gallows pass'd by : 

Said the Yankee to Pat, ^ If I don't make too free, 

Give the gallows its due, and pray where would you be?' 

' Why, honey,' says Pat, ' faith, that 's easily known ; 

P d be riding to town by myself all alone.' 



140 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



The Will. 

Jerry dying intestate, his relatives claimed, 
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd : 
1 What ! ' cries she, ' must I suffer because the old 

knave. 
Without leaving a will is laid snug in the grave ? ' 
' That's no wonder,' says one, ' for 't is very well known, 
Since he married, poor man, he 'd no will of his own. 1 



Advice to a Dramatist. 

Your comedy I 've read, my friend, 
And like the half you pilfered best; 

But sure the drama you might mend — 
Take courage, man, and steal the rest ! 



On the late Duchess of Devonshire^ 1 ') Canvassing for 
C: J. Fox, at the Westminster Election (1784). 

Array'd in matchless beauty, Devon's fair 
In Fox's favour takes a zealous part ; 

But, oh ! where'er the pilferer comes, beware ; 
She supplicates a vote, and steals a heart. 

A Hint to Gamesters. 

Accept this advice, you who sit down to play, 
The best throw of the dice is to throw them away. 



From English Authors. 141 



An Endless Task. 

Who seeks to please all men each way, 

And not himself offend ; 
He may begin his work to-day, 

But God knows when he J ll end. 



Drunkenness. 

Bold thief, indeed ! that steals, before his face, 
The man away, and leaves a beast in J s place. 

Lord Lyttelton to Lady Brown. 

When I was young and debonnair, 
The brownest nymph to me was- fair ; 
Now I am old and wiser grown, 
The fairest nymph to me is Brown. 



The Kiss. 

What a rout do you make for a single poor kiss ; 

I seiz'd it, \ is true, and I ne'er shall repent it ; 
May he never enjoy one who thinks it amiss, 

But for me, I thank dear Cytherea who sent it. 

You may pout and look prettily cross, but I pray, 
What business so near to my lips had your cheek ? 

If you will put temptation thus pat in my way, 
Saints, resist if you can, for me I 'm too weak. 



142 Epigrams , Ancient and Modern. 

But come, my sweet Fanny, our quarrel let 's end, 
Nor will I by force what you gave not retain ; 

By allowing the kiss I 'm for ever your friend, 
If you say that I stole it, why take it again. 

Horace Walpole. 

On the City of London presenting their Freedom to 
Admiral Keppel in a Box of Heart of Oak, and 
Admiral Rodney in a Gold Box. 

Each Admiral's defective part, 

Satiric cits, you Ve told ; 
The cautious Keppel wanted heart ; 

The gallant Rodney, gold. 

A Compliment. 

Dr. Belguy having preached from the text ' All 
wisdom is sorrow,' Dr. Wharton, after the Sermon, 
handed him this impromptu : 

' If what you advance, my dear Doctor, be true, 
That wisdom is sorrow, how wretched are you ! ' 

Wit. 

True wit is like the brilliant stone 

Dug from Golconda's mine ; 
Which boasts two various powers in one — 

To cut as well as shine. 

Genius, like that, if polish'd right, 

With the same gifts abounds ; 
Appears at once both keen and bright, 

And sparkles while it wounds. 



From English Authors. 143 

Magnanimity. 

How great thy might let none by mischief know, 
But what thou canst by acts of kindness show : 
A pow'r to hurt is no such noble thing • 
The toad can poison, and the serpent sting. 

Sleep. 

Somne levis ! quanquam certissima mortis imago, 

Consortem cupio te tamen esse tori ; 
Alma Quies ! optata veni ; nam sic, sine vita, 

Vivere jucundum est, sic, sine morte mori. 

T. Wart on. 

Light balmy Sleep ! of death the exactest type, 
Still bless mine eyes, my couch still hover nigh ; 

'T is sweet, without the cares of life, to live, 
And sweet, without the pains of death, to die. 

G, Herbert's beautiful lines too on Sleep are worthy 
of insertion : 

Sleep steals on us, even like his brother Death ; 

We know not when it comes — we know it must come. 

We may affect to scorn and to contemn it : 

For 7 t is the highest pride of human misery 

To say it knows not of an opiate ; 

Yet the reft parent, the despairing lover, 

Even the poor wretch who waits for execution, 

Feels this oblivion, against which he thought 

His woes had armed his senses, steal upon him, 

And through the fenceless city — the body, 

Surprise that haughty garrison — the mind. 



144 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

On Flax?nan's Penelope, Sept. 1793. 
The Suitors sinn'd, but with a fair excuse, 
Whom all this elegance might well seduce. 
Nor can our censure on the husband fall, 
Who, for a wife so lovely, slew them all. 

On Lord Chief Justice Ellenborough. 
In spite of quirk, quibble, writ of error, or flaw, 
Since Law is made Justice, seek justice from law. 

Certainty v. Uncertainty. 

I am the son of Philip — at least so says my good 

mother. 
Who, in the name of heaven, ever knew his Father ? 

A Dialogue. 
Lothario. Ah ! dearest Anna, of your love I 'm dying, 

And at your feet I lie. 
Anna. I see you are lying. 

Picture of Old Age. 
These shrivelled sinews and this bending frame 
The workmanship of Time's strong hand proclaim ; 
Skilled to reverse whate'er the gods create, 
And make that crooked which they fashion straight. 
Hard choice for man to die — or else to be 
That tottering, wretched, wrinkled thing you see : 
Age then we all prefer — for age we pray, 
And travel on to life's last lingering day : 
Then sinking slowly down, from worse to worse, 
Find Heaven's extorted boon our greatest curse., 

R. Cumberland. 



SECTION 111 

Epigrams from Modern Latin, French, German, 
and Spanish Authors. 



147 



SECTION III. 



From Modern Latin, French, Italian, German, 
and Spanish Authors. 

In the 15th, 16th, and 17th centuries, when the Latin 
language was the ' vehicle of poetic sentiment among 
European poets/ many men of the highest rank — 
Italians, Frenchmen, Germans, Belgians, Englishmen, 
not to mention others of less mark in life — distinguished 
themselves by their contributions to the Latin muse. 
Many volumes have, at various times, appeared, whose 
editors have added considerably to the productions of 
their predecessors. Conspicuous amongst these stand 
Owen, the Welshman ; Buchanan, Paterson, and Ala- 
baster, of Scotland ; and last, though not of least repute, 
our own Sir Thos. More, once Lord High Chancellor 
of England. But a garland of Modern Latin Poesy 
was in 1637 woven out of materials in the Bodleian 
Library by A. Wright, B.A., Fellow of St, John's, 
Oxford, the beauties of which had previously been 
highly appreciated and utilized by Pope, Prior, and 
others of our own eminent authors. The speciality of 
the Continental writers of Latin Epigrams is an agree- 
able, elegant terseness, devoid of offensive bitterness ; 



1 48 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

and, with few exceptions, exhibiting the good taste and 
sweetness of the Greek school, commingled with the 
point and sharpness of the Latin. In the 18th century 
appeared Vincent Bourne, Usher of Westminster 
School, a classic whose volume of Latin Poetry shows 
that his humour was entirely original ; ' who is 
always entertaining and always harmless ; and who, 
though always elegant and refined, to a degree not 
always found in the classics themselves, charms more 
by the simplicity and playfulness of his ideas than by 
the neatness and purity of his verse.' ' I think him 
a better Latin poet/ said Cowper, ' than Tibullus, 
Propertius, Ausonius, or any of the writers in his way, 
except Ovid, and not at all inferior to him.' It is from 
such a variety of sources that occasional specimens are 
here subjoined, 



FROM SANNAZARO. 



On Ccesar Borgia? s adopting for his Motto, 
i Aut Ccesar ant nihil? 

Borgia Caesar erat, factis et nomine Caesar ; 
Aut nihil, aut Caesar, dixit : utrumque fuit. 



Or, 



Borgia was Caesar both in deeds and name : 
' Caesar or nought/ he said : he both became. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 149 

2 

On Venice. 

De mirabili Urbe Venetiis. 

Viderat Hadriacus Venetam Neptunus in undis 
Stare urbem, et toto ponere jura mari ; 

Nunc mihi Tarpejas quantumvis, Jupiter, arces 
Objice, et ilia tui mcenia Martis, ait : 

Sic pelago Tibrim prefers, urbem aspice utramque ; 
Illam homines dices, hanc posuisse Deos. ( 72 ) 

Built amidst waves whilst Neptune pleas'd surveys 
Fair Venice, sovereign of the Adrian Seas ; 
No more, said he, let Jove or Mars presume 
To boast the dome and tow'rs of rival Rome. 
Though Tibur more than stormy Adria please, 
View both these cities with impartial eyes ; 
With wonder struck, this difference you ? 11 assign, 
This built by mortal, that by hands divine. 

3 

On Aiifidius. 

Dum caput Aufidio tractat chirurgus, et ipsum 
Altius exquirit, quo videat cerebrum, 

Ingemit Aufidius, i Quid me, chirurge, fatigas ? 
Cum subii rixam, non habui cerebrum.' 

A humorous fellow in a tavern late, 
Being drunk and valiant, gets a broken pate : 
The surgeon, with his implements and skill, 
Searches the skull deeper and deeper still, 



150 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

To feel the brains, and try if they were sound; 
And as he keeps ado about the wound, 
The fellow cries, ' Good surgeon, spare your pains, 
When I began this brawl I had no brains.' 

4 
On Pope Alexander VI. 

Nomen Alexandri ne te fortasse moretur, 
Hospes, abi ! Jacet hie et scelus et vitium. 

Lest Alexander's name your eye detain, 

Stranger, pass on ! Here 's nought but sin and stain. 

Q.R. 

5 

On Leo XJs Sale of Indulgences. 

Sacra sub extrema si forte requiritis hora 
Cur Leo non poterat sumere, vendiderat. 

Thus freely rendered : — 

Leo lack'd the last sacrament. Why, need we tell ? 
He had chosen the chalice and paten to sell.( 73 ) 



On Homer. 

Smyrna, Rhodos, Colophon, Salamis, Chios, Argos, 
Athenae, 
Cedite ! jam ccelum patria Mceonidse est. 

Ye wealthy towns which strive for Homer dead, 
Give o'er. He 's to the Heavenly mansions fled. 

John Booth. 



From Modem Latin Authors. 151 

So, too, is a distich reflecting with sarcastic bitter- 
ness on the treatment the great poet met with in life : — 

Seven wealthy towns contend for Homer dead, 
Through which the living Homer begged his bread. 



FROM H. STEPHENS. 
Upon a Wilful Helpmate. 

Dum qusedam cerebrosa diu reprehenditur uxor, 

Nee satis officii dicitur esse memor, 
' Quid de me queritur conjux? Quod vult volo,' dicit : 

' Imperium is sibi vult : id volo et ipsa mihi. ; 

A headstrong wife, who oft came in for blame 

When charged with scant obedience, would reply, 

'- Why snarls my spouse? our wishes are the same : 
He would the ruler be : and so would U 

Q.R. 



FROM HIERO AMATHEUS. 



Lumine Aeon dextro, capta est Leonilla sinistro ; 

Et potis est forma vincere uterque deos. 
Blande puer, lumen quod habes concede sorori, 

Sic tu caecus Amor, sic erit ilia Venus. ( 74 ) 

Of right eye Aeon is bereft, 
And Leonilla lacks her left, 



152 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Yet each, I ween, might match the gods in beauty's pride. 
Fair boy, to thy sweet twin resign 
The single orb that now is thine. 

Blind Cupid thus wert thou ; she, Venus, laughing-eyed ! 

Q.R. 

Malone, in his Life of Dryden,has given us also aver- 
sion of this epigram, which Wharton calls the most 
celebrated of modern Epigrams : — 

But one bright eye young Aeon's face adorns, 

For one bright eye fair Leonilla mourns. 

Kind youth ! to her thy single orb resign, 

To make her perfect, and thyself divine ; 

For then, should Heaven the happy change allow, 

She would fair Venus be, blind Cupid thou. 

George Russell. 

Goldsmith seems to have thought of this, or imitated 
it, in that ' On a Beautiful Youth, struck blind by 
lightning : ' — 

Sure 't was by Providence design'd, 

Rather in pity than in hate, 
That he should be, like Cupid, blind, 

To save him from Narcissus' fate. 

See Cunningham's edition of Goldsmith! s Works , vol. i. p. 94. 
2 

To Hiella. 

In me oculos quoties vertit meus ignis, Hiella, 

Suspirat toties ignis, Hiella meus. 
Hinc flammse, quas ilia suis jaculatur ocellis, 

Me redigunt, auctas flatibus in cinerem. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 153 

Oft as my flame, Hiella, turns her eyes 

On me, so oft my flame, Hiella, sighs, 

And hence the fires which from those orbs she flashes, 

Fanned by her breath, reduce poor me to ashes. 

Q.R. 



FROM MACENTIUS. 

' Candidior cur barba,' Lycus, 'sit crine,' rogatus, 
' Saepe fatigor,' ait, ' gutture, non cerebro ! ' 

Lycus was ask'd the reason, it is said, 
His beard was so much whiter than his head. 
1 The reason,' he replied, 'my friend, is plain — 
I work my throat much harder than my brain ! ' 



Q.R. 



FROM BELLAY. 

Paule, tuum inscribis Nugarum nomine librum : 
In toto libro nil melius titulo. 

The title 'Trifles' on Paul's book is writ. 
I 've read it through, and found no happier hit. 
Q.R. 

FROM E. CORDUS. 
I 
Si nisi defunctos laudas, Philomuse, poetas, 
Me tibi perpetuo displicuisse velim. 

If only when they 're dead, you poets praise, 
I own I 'd rather have your blame always. 

Q.R. 

This reminds one of Martial's Epigram (8 b. 69 e.) :- 
1 Miraris veteres, Vacerra, solos,' &c. 



154 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Medicum frequentes feminas monachum petunt, 
Nil suspicare ! ^Egros domi viros habent. 

To ^Esculapian monks the good wives roam. 
What marvel ! They have husbands sick at home. 

Q.R. 



FROM G. ANSELM. 

De lanio medicus fit Sosilus : haud nova res est : 
Fecit enim lanius quod facit et medicus. 

Sosil, the butcher, has becomea leech. 'T is nothing new ; 
For what he did when butchering, as doctor he will do. 

Q.R. 

This is plainly founded upon an epigram of Martial 

(i. 47). 



FROM S. PASCHASIUS. 
I 
Against one who dabbled in the Healing Art 

Gratuitas operas mihi qui promittis segro, 
Parcite : non tanti est aeger ut esse velim. 

Say not, be sick, and gratis I ? 11 prescribe : 
Sickness prepense requires a stronger bribe ! 

Q.R. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 155 

2 

Another of a similar scope. 

.Egrotum visis, sanum me visere cessas. 
O utinam nunquam, Candide, te videam ! 

You call when I am sick, but leave me quite 
When well I wish you 'd always cut me, White ! 

Q.R. 

3 

Bacillus. The Staff! 

Cui natura oculos, aures, animamque negavit, 
Hie tamen est caeco duxque reduxque viae. 

Nature to me hath eyes, ears, soul denied ; 
Yet can I to and fro the blind man guide. 

4 

Harpalus dying leaves the poor his all, 
That from his heirs unfeigned tears may fall. 

R. Simpson. 

5 

Kind Asper will do anything you choose, 
But lend his ass — and that you must excuse : 
His time and toil he freely will expend 
On your behalf— his ass he 11 never lend. 
He'd fetch and carry at your call or beck, 
But would not lend his ass to save your neck : 
None in self-knowledge Asper can surpass, 
Who justly rates himself below an ass. 

R. s. 



156 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



6 

Between Two Stools. 

Tom, weak and wavering, ever in a fright 
Lest he do something wrong, does nothing right. 

r. s. 



FROM J. ROEGRIUS. 

In Divitem indoctum. 

Ut videt indoctum Cynicus, cui purpura vestis, 
6 Aurato video vellere/ dixit, ' ovem.' 

A Cynic chanced a simpleton in purple robes to see, 
' A sheep that owns a golden fleece mine eyes behold/ 
said he. 

Q-R. 

FROM J. BELLAY. 
In Poetam meriti anonymum. 

Dum canit Euridicus, silvaeque et saxa sequuntur, 

Et tenet immanes Thracius ipse feras. 
At tu dum horrisonis silvas concentibus imples, 

Attonitae fugiunt in sua lustra ferae. 

As Orpheus sings his lost one, woods and rocks attend 

the sound, 
And by the spell of Thracian strains e'en savage beasts 

are bound. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 157 

But as for you, when in the woods your strains discord- 
ant rise, 
Each beast affrighted to his lair upon the instant flies. 

Q.R. 



FROM PAULUS THOMAS. 

Carmina Caecilius jactat sua digna cupresso, 
Attice. nunquid eum dicere falsa putas ? 

Verius hoc vero est ! opus illis arbore quippe 
Ferali est, queis mors et prope funus adest. 

Caecilius brags that to his verse is due 

A cypress wreath ! and who shall say he lies ? 

Funereal branch is fitting, \ is most true, 

Where hard at hand are death and obsequies. 

Q.R. 



FROM BALTHAZAR BOXIFACIUS. 

I 

Laetitia quoniam nimia. plerosque perisse 
Novimus ; ut moriar me mea Phillis amat. 

Many, we know, have died of joy's excess ; 
Phillis loves me for the same end, I guess. 

Q.R. 



158 Epigrams, Aticient and Modern. 



On a beautiful Lady when dying. 

Sidereos oculos, qui solem lumine vincunt, 
Claudere non posset mors, nisi caeca foret. 

Emoriar, nisi mors ipsa emoriatur amore, 
Istos si videat sidereos oculos. 

Yon eye, that into shade the sunlight throws, 

Death, had he sight, would have no heart to close. 

My life upon 't, e'en Death himself would die 
Of love, at sight of yonder starry eye. 

The same writer has a pretty conceit addressed ' To 
a Widow visiting her Husband's Tomb: ' — 

Conjugis ad tumulum veniens, nee, Philli, corollas 
Fers, nee odorifera grandine spargis humum: 

Sed tantum effundis lacrimas, et respicis urnam 
Qua mors delicias condidit atra tuas. 

Protinus erumpunt flores tellure : vigorem 
Roris habent lacrimal, solis habent oculi. 

Wreaths to your lost one's tomb you neither bring, 
Nor round it, Phillis, showers of perfume fling. 
Tears are your sole rich tribute, pour'd anew 
O'er the dark urn that hides your love from view. 
Hence from the turf upspringing, many a flower 
Finds thy tear dew, thy glance the day-god's power. 

Q.R. 






From Modern Latin Authors. 159 

FROM LUDOVICUS BIGUS. ' 

Ad Album, 

Quo plures setas tua praecipitatur ad annos, 
Hoc tibi majores accumulantur opes. 

Ridiculum nimis est majora viatica cum quis 
Praeparat, Albe, magis deficiente via. 

Albus, the more your days and years decline, 
The larger gold-heaps in your coffers shine. 
7 T is past a joke that folks should lay more stress 
On forethought for the road, as it grows less. 

Q-R- 

FROM ALBERTUS MELEMANNUS. 

Alphonsi Regis Dictum, 

Non mille pondo tristium aegritudinum 
Solvent vel unum debiti teruncium. 

Not e'en a thousand pounds of care and fret 
Will liquidate a farthing's worth of debt. 

Q.R. 



FROM A. BOCEHIUS. 
Imago jicsti Judicis. 

Olim Pellaeus juveni, cum forte sederet 

Judex, et actori alteram 
Interea digito prudens occluderet aurem, 

Interrogatus a suis, 
Cur nam sic facerat ? ' Satis est actori/ ait 

Servo alteram integram reo.' 



160 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Alexander in judgment was sitting one day, 
And was seen with his right ear attention to pay- 
To the plaintiff, but purposely block up the way, 

To the left, with his finger. Said he 
To his retinue, asking him why this was done, 
1 My other ear, sure, if the plaintiff gets one, 

The defendant 9 s a right to have free.' 

Q.R, 



FROM SAINTE MARTHE. 



Why wrap your thoughts in phrases learn'd and long ? 
If you would hide your meaning — hold your tongue. 



FROM VAVASSOR. 



Grimes justly built this Alms-house for the poor, 
Whom he had made so by his frauds before. 



FROM BERNARD BAUHUSIUS' WORKS (l vol. A.D. 1620). 



Omne solum forti patria est, fortem excipe nautam : 
Pontivagis nautis omne salum patria est. 

Giving up the pun, this may thus be rendered : — 

Says the saw, i Every soil is a home to the brave: ' 
Nay, nay ; the brave sailor finds home on each wave. 

Q.R. 



From Modern Lathi Authors. 161 

2 
Vitrum et Vinum. 

Vitrum proditor, atque vinum est: 
Hoc animi speculum, illud oris. 
Quod format solet esse vitrum 
Hoc animo solet esse vinum. 

Glass doth bewray, and even so doth wine. 
This shows the mind, and that the form's outline. 
As crystal represents the body's grace, 
So the mind's features in men's cups we trace. 



On Lexicography. 

Si quern dura manet Sententia Judicis, olim 
Damnatum asrumnis suppliciisque caput; 
Hunc neque fabrili lassent ergastula massa, 

Nee rigidas vexent fossa metalla manus : 
Lexica contexat : nam caetera quid moror ? omnes 

Pcenarum facies hie labor unus habet. 

Jos. Scaliger. 

Is there a wretch whose crimes a sentence crave 
Of toil and torture, till he reach the grave ? 
Let not the mill his wasted body wear, 
Let not the mine immerse him in despair. 
1 Make Dictionaries ' be the doom assigned : 
All other punishments are there combined. 

Lord N eaves. 
M 



1 62 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

A large portion of Sir T. More's Book of Epigrams 
consists of translations from the Greek, none of them 
very polished or very metrical, and of epigrams on 
some set 'thesis' or other. A few specimens of 
those he has left us are here given, translated : — 



On a Runaway Soldier who wore a Ring. 

Why doth a golden ring thy finger grace ? 
Soldier, thy foot had been its fitter place. 
For that, thou know'st, be-sted thee better far 
Than both thy hands but lately, in the war. 

Q.R. 

Another, to a seemingly somewhat dissimilar cha- 
racter, runs thus : — 

2 

If thy foot were as light as thy mind, I declare, 

In a course we should see thee outstripping the hare. 

Q.R. 

3 
A student wedded to his book, 

When wealth he might have won ; 
He left his book, a wife he took — 

From wealth to woe he run. 

Now, who a neater die e'er cast, 

Since juggling first begun ? 
In tying of himself so fast, 

Himself he has undone. 

Sir T. More. 



From Modern Lai in Authors. 163 

4 

On a Bad Preacher who wrote well. 

So ill you preach, a Bishop you might be, 
But that you write too well to hold a See. 
? Tis not enough to fear success in one: 
To be a Bishop, both must be ill done. 

R. Simpson. 

5 

On a Bishop.^" ) 

'Tis fit that thou our sins should loose and bind, 
Loosest of liars, and most hide-bound mind ! 
Chance no more Bishops makes, I joy to see, 
For chance had ne'er a hand in choosing thee. 
To make a mere bad choice is oft the part 
Of hazard, but to choose the worst is art — 
Consummate art, to choose 'mongst millions free, 
Could choose no scurvier knave, no greater fool than 
thee. 

R. Simpson. 

6 

Fear. 

If evils come not, then our fears are vain ; 
And if they do, fear but augments the pain. 

This couplet is an equivalent for the last two lines 
of the following Latin epigram: — 

Cur patimur stulti ? Namque haec vecordia nostra, 
Urat ut indomitus pectora nostra metus. 

Seu mala non venient, jam nos metus urit inanis ; 
Sin venient, aliud fit metus ipse malum. 



164 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

7 

De utr&que Rosd in unum coalild.( 16 ) 

The Red and W-hite Rose blended. 

While Red and White Rose dwelt as neighbours, long 

Their rivalry for foremost place was strong ; 

But now both roses in one blossom blend, 

In happiest mode the quarrel finds its end. 

A single rose springs up, and blooms, \ is true ; 

Yet hath it all th ? endowments of the two ; 

Since in itself of either rose the grace, 

Form, beauty, colour, health and strength find place. 

Let then who ? s loved either rose alone 

Find the old charm still in the blended one. 

But woe to him who union hates and scorns, 

For this same rose hath yet for foes its thorns. 

Q.R, 

Nee Pluribus impar — On a badly written Book. 
Front the Latin of Melancthon. 

A thousand blots would never cure this stuff : 
One might, I own, if it were large enough. 



John Owen, of Welsh birth, is well entitled to the 
name of epigrammatist. ' His Latin epigrams were 
received with great approbation both in this country 
and on the Continent. An epigram was to him every- 
thing. All the arts, all the sciences, all ranks, all pro- 
fessions in life, all things in heaven or on earth, human 
and divine, were epigrammatised by him/ 



From Modern Latin Authors. 165 

One of his epigrams, alluded to by all his biogra- 
phers, is in these words :- — 

An Petrus merit Romas sub judice lis est : . 
Simonem Romas nemo fuisse negat. 

Thus in English: — 

If Peter ever was at Rome 
By many has been mooted : 

That Simon there was quite at home, 
Has never been disputed. 

This playful allusion to the double relation of the 
name Simon had a twofold effect on Owen's fate. It 
gained him a place in the Pope's hidex Expurgatorius, 
and lost him one in the will of a rich Catholic uncle. 

The same idea has been elsewhere embodied in 
these lines : 

The Pope claims back to Apostolic sources ; 
But when I think of Papal crimes and courses, 
It strikes me the resemblance is completer 
To Simon Magus than to Simon Peter. 

A few translations from him are underneath : 

1 

Solomon, had he been wise, would for wealth have 
preferred his petition ; 
Needless it were to have wished what he already 
had got ; 
Wisely, he asked not for wealth, but for wisdom to 
mend his condition : 
Was it because he was wise ? No, but because he 
was not. 



1 66 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Physic brings wealth, and Law promotion. 

To followers able, apt, and pliant ; 
But very seldom, I Ve a notion, 

Either to Patient or to Client. 



3 

From Adam's fall behold what sad disasters ! 
Both us and ours it sells to various masters : 
-Our souls to Priests, our body to the Doctors, 
Our lands and goods to Pleaders and to Proctors. 



4 

4 To the sea with your cuckolds/ mad Pontius cries ; 
' Learn first to swim, my dear/ meek Pontia replies. 

J. C. Napieton. 

5 

To a Friend in Distress. 

I wish thy lot, now bad, still worse, my friend: 
For when at worst, they say, things always mend. 

Cowfier. 

6 

The Client. 

Clients returning, before thieves may sing, 
For back from London they can't money bring. 



From Modem Latin Authors. 167 

7 
On Bardella, the celebrated Mantuan Thief. 

A monk, Bardella to be hanged, cheered up : 
And said, { To-night in heaven thou shalt sup.' 

Bardel replied : c This I keep fasting-day — 
If you please to accept my place, you may.' 



Why durst you offer, Marcus, to aver 
Nature abhorr'd a vacuum ? — confer 
But with your empty skull, then you '11 agree, 
Nature will suffer a vacuity. 



In heaven they love, but do not marry: 

On earth we wed ; our dreams of love miscarry. 



- 10 

Would you be good ? then will to be ; you '11 be so from 

that hour ; 
For He that gave you first the Will, will give you then 

the Power. 

n 

We grease the axle that it may not creak ; 

We grease the lawyer's palm to make him speak. 

Lord N eaves. 



1 68 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



FROM CRASHAW. 

Aquce in Vinum verses. 

Unde rubor vestris, et non sua purpura, lymphis ? 

Quae rosa mirantes tarn nova mutat aquas ? 
Numen, convivae, praesens agnoscite numen: — 

Lympha pudica Deum vidit, et erubuit.( 77 ) 

Thus rendered : 

With kingly purple lowly water glows ; 

In roseate hues the limpid colour flows: 

Behold, O friends, the change, and wondering see 

The presence of the present Deity — 

The modest water, awed by power divine, 

Beholds its God, and blushes into wine. 

P. Onslow. 

To Crashaw. 

Poet and Saint ! to thee alone are given 

The two most sacred names of earth and heaven. 



From Modem Lathi Authors. 169 



In Buchanan's three books of Latin epigrams, he here 
and there approximates to Martial, and is never more 
happy than when satirising the female sex. We give 
a few samples, translated, of his powers : 



1 
To Philantus. 

Narcissus loved himself, we know, 
And you perhaps have cause to show 

Why you should do the same ; 
But he was wrong ; and, if I may, 
Philantus, I will say, 

I think you more to blame. 
He loved what others loved ; while you 
Admire what other folks eschew. 



There 's a lie on thy cheek in its roses, 

A lie echoed back by thy glass, 
Thy necklace on greenhorns imposes, 
And the ring on thy finger is brass. 
Yet thy tongue, I affirm, without giving an inch back, 
Outdoes the sham jewels, rouge, mirror, and pinchback. 

J. O. W. H.,from ' N. and Q? 



170 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



A beautiful nymph wished Narcissus to pet her, 
But he saw in the fountain one he loved much better. 
Thou hast looked in his mirror and loved ; but they 

tell us, 
No rival will tease thee, so never be jealous. 



4 

Doletus writes verses, and wonders — ahem ! 
When there's nothing in him, that there's nothing in 
them. 

5 
On Pope Julius II. 

Thy father Genoese, thy mother Greek, 
Born on the seas : who truth in thee would seek ? 
False Greece, Liguria 's false, and false the sea ; 
False all: and all their falsehoods are in thee.( 78 ) 



Thou speak'st always ill of me. 

I speak always well of thee. 

But spite of all our noise and pother, 

The world believes nor one nor t 5 other. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 171 

FROM A LATIN EPIGRAM OF DR. ALABASTER. 

Lis et Victoria mutua. 

Upon opposite sides of the Popery question 
(The story 's a fact, though it's hard of digestion), 
Two Reynoldses argued, the one with the other, 
Till each by his reasons converted his brother. 
With a contest like this did you e'er before meet, 
Where the vanquished were victors, the winners were 
beat.( 79 ) 

Description of the Seine at Paris by Santeuil, engraved 
on the Bridge of Notre Dame. 

Super Pont em Nostre-Dame Parisiis subtercurre?ite 
Sequand. 

Sequana. quum primum Reginae allabitur urbi, 

Tardat praecipites ambitiosus aquas. 
Captus amore loci, cursum obliviscitur anceps 

Quo fluat, et dulces nectit in urbe moras. 
Hinc varios implens, fluctu subeunte, canales, 

Fonsrleri gaudet, qui modo flumen erat. 

Thus rendered : 

When to the Queen of Cities Seine draws near, 

Ambitious he retards his swift career ; 

Enamoured of the place, forgets his way, 

And round it lingers with a fond delay ; 

Through countless conduits loves his streams to pour. 

A fountain now, that was a flood before. ( 80 ) 



172 Epigrams, A?icie?it and Modern. 



On the English Language. 
FROM THE LATIN OF HENRY HARDER, 

DANISH WRITER, SECRETARY OF LEGATION AT THE COURT OF 
CHARLES II. 

Apelles, striving to paint Venus' face, 

Before him ranged the Virgins of the place. 

Whate'er of good or fair in each was seen, 

He thence transferred to make the Paphian Queen ; 

His work, a paragon we well might call, 

Derived from many, but surpassing all. 

Such as that Venus, in whose form were found 

The gathered graces of the Virgins round, 

Thy language, England, shows the magic force 

Of blended beauties culPd from every source. 



N. Paterson wrote a volume of epigrams in Latin, 
and also translated the Psalms into Latin elegiacs. He 
exhibits in his jeux d'esprits little real humour. One 
of his best hits is at a ' Sailor riding: ' — 

Tbe sailor curses land's uneven tides, 
While he, no rider, a wild horse bestrides. 

Another, on a bald-headed man, is above his usual 
level : — 

If by your hairs your sins should numbered be, 
Angels in heaven were not more pure than thee. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 173 

The practice of writing Latin epigrams died out, in 
a great measure, at the same time with the discon- 
tinuance of the Latin language amongst European 
poets. Westminster school, indeed, has served to 
maintain a link between the past and present ; while 
Mr. Browne's Prizes for Greek and Latin epigrams at 
Cambridge (of which no collection has ever been 
published) have kept the knack of epigrammatism from 
dying out — as far, at least, as English youth is concerned. 



FROM VINCENT EOURNE. 

I 

Private v. Picblic Education. 
Poteris tutior esse domi. 

Dum mater metuit virgae ne verbera laedant, 
Ipsa domi puerum servat, et ipsa docet. 

Ipsa doce puerum, mater tarn blandula, possit 
Tutus ut esse domi, stultus et esse /oris. 

Mamma will keep her boy at home, and guide herself 
and teach him, 

In anxious dread lest bitter pains of birchen twigs 
should reach him : 

Kind mother, so by thee alone let the dear boy be 
guided, 

He'll be so safe within his home, and such a fool out- 
side it. 

W. H. Draper. 



174 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem, 



Perveniri ad summum nisi ex principiis non potest. 

Newtonum ingentem, lumen non unius aevi, 

A B quae docuit prima, magistra fuit. 
Doctior ille statim vetula, cito sensit inani 

Ouiddam his literulis majus inesse sono. 
Protinus egregios dementis repperit usus ; 

Usus, quos nunquam conjiciebat anus. 
Notosque ignotis numeros conferre peritus, 

Inde potestates format utrisque datas. 
Laudo tamen vetulae praecepta ea primula, quaeque 

Newtoni haud dubitem dicere Principia. 

Thus rendered : 

Newton, the light of each succeeding age, 
First learned his letters from a female sage ; 
But thus far taught — the alphabet once learn'd, 
To loftier use those elements he turn'd. 
Forced the unconscious signs, by process rare, 
Known quantities with unknown to compare ; 
And by their aid, profound deductions drew, 
From depths of truth his teacher never knew : 
Yet the true authoress of all was she ; 
Newton's Principia were his a, b, c. 

Charles Lamb. 



From Modem Latin Authors, 175 

As specimens of recent productions of the alumni of 
this justly celebrated school (Westminster), a few 
sprinklings are here appended. 

1 

Fronti nulla fides. 

Nulla fides fronti. Ergo aversa fronte sacerdos 
Prsecinit ante aram stans Pusyita fidem, 

2 
Non tentanda via est. 

Cauta nimis mater puero : Noli, nisi postquam 
Noris nare, tuum credere corpus aquas. 

3 
Crescit res. 

Ante reformatum radicali arte senatum 
Ad rem cernendam nox erat una satis. 

Nunc conscriptorum gravior sapientia patrum 
Evolvit sese quinto operosa die. 

4 
Sane {Sawney) nollem hinc exitum. 

Sawney so fat in prison grows, 

On wheaten bread and water, 
That, dreading oatmeal, he avows 

His guilt in a manslaughter. 



176 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

5 
Ex fiimo dare lucem. 

{On seeing some of my Scraps burned.) 

Though dull my wit, my verses heavy stuff, 
That you make light of them is clear enough. 

6 

Homoeopathy. 

Laud we the globules of the healing art! 

Spun are the terrors of disease and pain ; 
Done drachms and scruples. Now all ills depart 

Before the million-billionth of a grain ! 

7 
Antiqua non probamus. 

Cur sit cura mihi linguam dedicisse Latinam ? 
Romanis nostram discere nulla fuit. 

No Roman ever learnt English at Rome, 
Why bother us then with Latin at home ? 



Right glad is Benedick to see 
That he is soon to be a father ; 

Twins are announced, and check'd his glee, 
He votes the tidings too good rather. 



From Modern Latin Authors. 177 



9 

' Home, sweet Home? 

No one longs half so much as a Scot or a Swiss 
For his home when abroad ; and the reason is this : 
Of all those who live absent from home there is not 
One from home half so long as a Swiss or a Scot. 

10 

Crescit res. 

Words will break no man's bones, howe'er you slang 

him ; 
But give a dog an ill name, and you hang him. 

11 

JEgrescendo medetur. 

To heal disease all tortures are endured : 
A pig is kilPd that bacon may be cured. 

12 

sEgrescit medendo. 

' One glass of wine ! dear Doctor/ Philip cried, 
i IT1 make a pint of it ! ? He did, and died. 

Cans am pro bat. 

Rex numquam moritur. Merito ; nam vivere semper 
Debet, delicti qui reus esse nequit. 

N 



178 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



14 

Crescit res. 

Noli mentiri. Mendacia nam que sequuntur 
Unum bina, tria, et quatuor, atque decern. 

The above are extracted from a manuscript volume 
of ' Translations and Scraps by Hugh Hodgson, West- 
monast : collected A.D. 1840/ kindly lent me by the 
Rev. James Hamilton, author of * Life in Earnest ' and 
other excellent books. 



15 

' Conventum cur clerus agit ? quid habere negoti 

Inter se possunt rusticus ille rogat. 
' Conveniunt,' ait hie, ' ut permutatio fiat 

Sermonum ; noster dat recipitque tuus.' 
1 Hem ! miser est noster, nonpulchrior evenit unquam,' 

Ille refert illi, ' sunt vice quaque mahV 

Thus in English : 

' The Parsons meet on Visitation day. 
What can they do ? ' a clod was heard to say. 
' Exchange their sermons, if I don't mistake,' 
His friend replies ; ''tis with them give and take. : 
' Our's luck then,' says the first, ' is very sad, 
The lot which falls to him is always bad.' 



From Modern Latin Authors. 179 

16 

' Mitte metum, mihi connsum/ vas inquit asnum: 
1 Heu ! vicinia/ vas fictile, ' laedit/ ait, (1864.) 

By the waves a clay jar, in small danger, was toss'd, 
When its path by a well-meaning kettle was cross'd : 

You may guess what a smash came to pass ; 
Thus in modern times also, how many a blow 
Has been dealt to Japan, and to China, we know, 

From contact with Englishmen's- brass. 

J. R. Dasent. 

Says the wife of Cantab : ' Pray tell me how is it 
I J m your dear, and your love, when I go on a visit ; 
But when I return I 'm the plague of your life, 
And we pass all our time in reproaches and strife ? ' 
Says the Cantab : ' Til tell you : when you are afar, 
I do what I like, without hindrance or jar ; 
Though my rule you despise, you must bow to the 

laws 
That regulate matter, and this is the cause : 
Your attractions increase with diminished resistance, 
And the force of my love as the square of the distance? 

' E. Jermyn. 
18 

On the Census (1861). 

Quid nomen, quam artem exercet, quos computat annos: 

Talia proponens enumerator adest : 
Convocat ergo pater, si illi lege jubetur, 

Ouos ista tenuit sub lare nocte suo. 



180 Epigrams , Ancient and Modem. 

Responsum facile est reliquis ; hseretur in uno, 
^tatem ignorat fcemina quaeque suam. 

The latter part thus paraphrased : 

How can we hope to fill these pages 
When women never know their ages ? 



W. H. D. 



FROM FRENCH AUTHORS. 

In the modern world the French genius and language 
are the most epigrammatic. At times their epigrams 
have had a most important significance ; and a well- 
timed couplet'of stinging satire has been known to check 
the schemes of a tyrant, or the subserviency of his 
slaves, by reminding them of the existence of a people 
who were quietly noting down all tne foul practices of 
the court. The French government was once wittily 
defined as i a despotism tempered by epigrams ; ' for 
'what ballads and nicknames and party cries will do 
in popular governments, that epigrams will effect in 
courts, in which railing often succeeds where complain- 
ing fails.' The late success of the Propos de Labienus 
proves that the above definition is not yet superannu- 
ated ; and that the refined intellect of France still 
regards its government with the same witty malice as 
in former periods. The difference is that the modern 



From Fre?ich A uthors. 1 8 1 

political epigram is not confined to the court as the old 
one was, but is current among the people ; and conse- 
quently rather affects the slashing style of Juvenal than 
the more courtly point of Horace or Martial, who were 
the masters of French satire and epigram from the rise 
of their literature till the Revolution of 1789. In 
France the epigram has always been an offensive 
weapon, though the war may have varied in extent or 
intensity. Sometimes the object was only to sting ; 
sometimes to pierce and kill ; but even then the rapier 
and dagger were more congenial to French tastes than 
the tomahawk or the bludgeon. The Greek epigram, 
which only sparkles but hits no one, never had much 
attraction for the Frenchman. He does not ask for 
harmony but for point. The Italians and Spaniards, 
on the contrary, lean towards the Greek epigram : not 
but that the Italians possess immense stores of epi- 
grammatic literature which outdoes Rabelais himself ; 
but the greater respectability of succeeding centuries 
has taught the Italian to gloss over a multitude of 
names of which Pietro Aretino may be considered the 
representative, and to put forward Alamanni as the 
father of the pointed epigram. The great store of 
Italian epigrams is, however, after the Greek mode ; 
and by their application of an epigrammatic form to 
lyrical matter, the Italians have created the sonnet, 
which seems to be the legitimate development of the 
stanzas of the Greek Anthology. The Spanish 
taste, though delighting in the epigrammatic style of 
Gongora and Cervantes, had little relish for epigrams 
as such ; and the stock of them contained in their 
literature was so little inviting that one of their critics 



1 82 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

asks : 6 Who is so stupid as not to be able to make one 
epigram, and who is such a fool as to make a second ? ' 

In the German and Flemish epigrams we see the 
same phenomena as the English. A hardy national 
taste, flooded with the classical revival, and gradually 
emerging with a strong tinge of classicality in 
modern time. In Logeau, one of whose epigrams 
will be found in a future page, we see both these 
tendencies : the stale conceits and impertinencies 
of the Renaissance, and an unmistakeable Teutonic 
strength, which every now and then comes out with 
astonishing vividness. Lessing, a critic as well as 
a poet* and a much more scholarlike writer than 
Logeau, in his book on the Epigram, not only gave 
rules for composing and criticising it, but also examples 
of what he considered it ought to be. ' But Lessing^s 
rules are too pedantic and refined to be of practical 
use to epigrammatists ; while historically, as Herder 
shows, they are untrue and inapplicable to many of 
the best epigrams.' But since their day Gothe and 
Schiller have lived and the Romantic School has 
arisen, and Lessing is no longer the legislator of 
German taste. 

The few selections which follow may serve to give 
some idea of these different national schools of epi- 
grams. Wherever possible, those which are considered 
to be models by the national critics have been chosen. 
But in such poems, where the value depends chiefly on 
the refinement of expression, nearly the whole of the 
characteristic~excellence must evaporate in translation. 



From French Authors. 183 



On Aiengon,( 81 ) afterwards Duke ofAnjou, one of the 

many Suitors of Elizabeth, Queen of England: elected 
Prince of the Low Countries by the Flemings, who had 
revolted from Philip II. 

Flamands, ne soyez estonnez 
Si a Francois voyez deux nez. 
Car par droit, raison, et usage, 
Faut deux nez a double visage. 

Thus rendered : 

Nay, marvel not, ye Flemings brave, 
If your choice duke two noses have : 
; Tis meet and right such double grace 
Should decorate a double face. 

A French gentleman dining with some company on 
a fast day, called for some bacon and eggs. The rest 
were very angry, and reproved him for so heinous a sin ; 
whereupon he wrote the following lines : 

Peut-on croire avec bon sens 
Qu'un lardon le mit en colere, 

Ou, que manger un hareng, 
Cest un secret pour lui plaire ? 

En sa gloire enveloppe, 

Songe-t-il bien de nos soupes ? 

Who can believe with common sense, 
A bacon slice gives God offence ; 



184 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

Or, how a herring has a charm 
Almighty vengeance to disarm ? 
Wrapped up in majesty divine, 
Does He regard on what we dine ? 

Dean Swift. 

The Sponging Slanderer. 

You never dine at home at all, but sponge upon your 

friends, 
And when you speak the poisoned stream of slander 

never ends. 
So we may say that day by day, on this or that pretence, 
Your mouth you never open but at other men's expense. 

Lord Neaves. 

Honest v. Deceptive Appearances. 

Some showy fellows think themselves my betters, 
Who gallant steeds and gilded chariots use ; 

But for their equipages they are debtors, 
While I don't owe a shilling for my shoes. 

Lord Neaves. 

Mock Epitaph on Due de Momy. 

Here Morny lies — but that is nothing new : 
He lies, but hush ! and give the devil his due : 
Of swords of state, the forger he and temperer — 
Nap swayed the sceptre — Morny swayed the emperor. 



From French Authors. 185 



FROM BOILEAU.( 82 ) 



You say, without reward or fee, 

Your uncle cured me of a dangerous ill ; 
I say, he never did prescribe for me ; 

The proof is plain, I ; m living still. 



The Consequences of Law. 

Once, says an author, where I need not say. 
Two travellers found an oyster in their way: 
Both fierce, both hungry, the dispute grew strong, 
While, scale in hand, Dame Justice pass'd along. 
Before her each with clamour pleads the laws, 
Explained the matter, and would win the cause. 
Dame Justice, weighing long the doubtful right, 
Takes, opens, swallows it before their sight. 
The cause of strife removed so rarely well, 
' There take/ says Justice, c take ye each a shell. 
We thrive at Westminster on fools like you : 
'Twas a fat oyster— live in peace — Adieu.'( 83 ) 

Pope. 



In the reign of Louis XIV. lived Colbert, the cele- 
brated comptroller-general of the finances of France. 
On account of the taxes he was obliged to impose for 
the wars and pleasures of that monster of monarchical 



1 86 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

ambition he was execrated by the French people, and 
many were the bitter stinging epigrams that were 
written upon him, of which we here present two. 

Ci git le pere des impots, 
Dont la mort a Tame ravie ; 

Que Dieu lui donne le repos 
Ou'il nous ota toute la vie. 

Thus rendered : 

Here lies the father of all taxes past, 
Grim Death in turn has claimed his dues at last ; 
Heaven grant him rest, of rest he knows the worth, 
He never let us rest while yet on earth. 

P. Onslow. 

Charon, voyant Colbert sur non rivage, 
Le prend et le noie aussitot, 
Craignant qu'il ne vint mettre impot 

Sur son pauvre passage. 

When Colbert reached the Styx, with grin 

Of fear, old Charon pitched him in, 

Crying, as off he shoved the wherry, 

The scoundrel 's come to tax my ferry. ( 84 ) 

p. o. 



FROM LA MONNOYE. 



The world of fools has such a store, 
That he who would not see an ass 

Must bide at home and bolt his door, 
And break his looking-glass. 



From French Authors. 187 



On a bad Translation of Horace made by Pellegrin 
which accompanied the original Text. 

Two Horaces, from yonder shelf, 
I ; 11 offer now with solemn vows : 

The original to Venus' self, 

And the Translation to her spouse. 



FROM FABIAN PILLET. 



His long speeches, his writings, in prose and in rhyme, 
Dr. Julep declares are but meant to kill time ; 
What a man is the doctor ! for, do what he will, 
He something or somebody wishes to kill. 



FROM GUICHARD. 

I 

As Spintext one day, in the mansion of prayer, 
Was declaiming a sermon he 'd stolen from Blair, 
A large mastiff dog began barking aloud ; 
6 Turn him out/ cried the doctor enraged to the crowd. 
' And why ? ' answered one, ' in my humble belief 
He's an excellent dog, for he barks at a thief.' 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Damis, an. author cold and weak, 
Thinks as a critic he 's divine. 

Likely enough ; we often make 
Good vinegar of sorry wine. 



FROM FURETIERE. 

On a Statue of Justice removed into the Market-place. 

Q. Tell me why Justice meets our eye, 
Raised in the market-place on high ? 

A. The reason, friend, may soon be told, 
'T is meant to show she 's to be sold. 

There is one on a like matter (Justice) of Guillaume 
des Autels : 

Blindfold is Justice drawn, for this 
To show she ? s random, hit or miss ; 
A sword she bears — bugbear for those 
Sans wit or wealth to ward its blows : 
The pair of scales she ? s made to hold 
Makes sure that all she gets is sterling gold. 

R. Simpson. 



FROM LA GIRAUDIERE. 

You 're thirty you tell us : the fact we must credit, 
For both you and your friends for these ten years have 
said it. 



From French Authors. 189 



FROM GOMBAULD. 

That you cannot get rid of Thersandes, you say, 
Though you've tried to accomplish it fifty times o'er : 

I '11 put you at once, my good friend, in the way — 
Do but lend him ten pounds, and you '11 ne'er see him 
more. 

On a French Lady who was rarely seen except at Mid- 
night Operas and Balls. 

1 Quelle age a cette Phyllis, dont on fait tant de bruit ?' 

Me demandoit Cliton nagueres. 

6 II faut,' dis-je, i vous satisfaire ; 
Elle a vingt ans le jour, et cinquante ans la nuit.' 

Thus translated : 

Young Cliton has set me a difficult task, 
For Phillis's age he 's thought proper to ask : 
Of whose doings town talk is not thrifty ; 
She 's twenty at most, if you reckon her days ; 
If her nights, then, as far as I know of her ways, 
She 's not far from the wrong side of fifty. 

P.O. 

4 The idea of a person's lifetime being measured 
otherwise than by the number of his years has been 
adopted, if not borrowed, by many writers, as Bacon, 
Suckling, Young, Drummond.' Ben Jonson, in part 
of an Epitaph on one of Shakspeare's little Eyases or 



190 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

children of the chapel, who acted plays in imitation of 
Martial (lib. 10. ep. S3) gives us the following lines: 

Years he number'd scarce thirteen 

When Fates turn'd cruel. 
Yet three fill'd Zodiacs had been 

The stage's jewel. 

And did act (what now we mourn) 

Old men so duly, 
As, sooth, the Parcae thought him one, 

He play'd so truly. 

The boy's name was Salathiel Pavy. He acted, says 
Gifford, in Cynthia 's Revels, and in the Poetaster (1600 
and 1601), in which latter year he probably died. ' The 
poet speaks of him with interest and affection, and it 
cannot be doubted that he was a lad of extraordinary 
talents.' 

Mock Epitaph 011 Robespierre.^) 

Here lies Robespierre — let no tear be shed : 
Reader, if he had lived, thou hadst been dead. 



FROM BREBEUF. 

Jack, by the constables entrapp'd, 
Was destin'd to the law a prey : 

But while his easy keepers napp'd, 
He stole — guess what — himself away. 

R. Simpson. 



From French Authors. 191 



FROM LE BRUN. 



To a contemptible Author who wrote the Epitaph 
of a good Poet. 

On Stephen's tomb, thou writ'st the mournful line : 
Why lived he not, alas ! to write on thine ? 



On one always afraid of Dying. 

Thrice happy Damon ! Fate has stopp'd his breath ! 
He's now delivered from the fear of death. 

So also our own poet, Cowper : 

Far happier are the dead, methinks, than they 
Who look for death and fear it every day. 



FROM EIGXICOURT, 



Frigid in verse, nor more inspired by Love, 
In vain you rhyme Florella's heart to move ; 
The nymph disdains you, and her smile refuses, 
As if she were in league with all the Muses. 



192 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

FROM SENECE. 

Envy. 

What makes the envious Phorbas walk 
Alone, and sad, in the parterre ; 

And raise his eyes, and inly talk, 

And stamp his foot, and rend his hair ? 

Say, has he met with some distress ? 

Far from it : — all his agitation 
Only proceeds from the success 

Of some acquaintance or relation. 



FROM DE CAILLY. 

' How blest, my dear brother,' said Sylvia, one day, 
1 Should I be would you quit this bad habit of play ; 

Do you mean to extinguish it never ? ' 
6 When you cease to coquet, I '11 quit play,' he replied. 
1 Ah ! plainly I see, my dear brother,' she cried, 

4 You 're determined to gamble for ever.' 

The Sex of the Mind not always the same as that of 
the Body. 

When Dacier jointly with his learned wife 
Has children of the flesh that spring to life, 
I 'm quite disposed, as much as any other, 
To hold that Madame Dacier is the mother. 



From French Authors. 193 

But when good Dacier and his wife combin'd 
Produce their books, those children of the mind. 
I own I feel an inclination rather 
To hold that Madame Dacier is the father. 



On Friendship a) id Love. 

Friendship and Love by different laws ordain 

How we should treat the kindness we obtain. 

Your favours, Priscus, promptly I reveal, 

But yours, my Celia, sacredly conceal. 

Honour and gratitude alike forbid 

To hide what should be told, or tell what should be hid. 



On the great Lawyer Tiraqueau and his Wife.(* Q ) 



Tiraquellus and his wife, 
Vying in a genial strife, 
Even 7 year, as sure as may be, 
Give the world a book, and baby. 
She, of course, has his assistance 
When she gives her babes existence ; 
But has he, from her instructions, 
Any help in his productions ? 

2 
On the Same. 

Tiraqueau. while drinking water, 
Has an annual son or daughter ; 
O 



1 94 Epigrams, Ancient a?id Modern. 

Wine or beer he ne'er partook, 
Yet he writes an annual book. 
Large already is the score, 
And we look for many more. 
But if he, on water merely, 
Can achieve these wonders yearly, 
What if wine with gen'rous fire 
Should a larger aim inspire ? 
Such increase his works might gain, 
As the world could scarce contain, 
And \ would be a task bewildering 
Where to put his books and children. 



FROM BARATON. 
Terminer sans Oyer. 

6 Call silence !' the Judge to the officer cries ; 

' This hubbub and talk, will it never be done ? 
Those people this morning have made such a noise, 

We Ve decided ten causes without hearing one.' 



The following, translated from La Harpe, ' is a very 
good imitation of Martial well adapted to satirise a 
faulty style of tedious and pedantic pleading that 
prevailed in France, and which is admirably ridi- 
culed in Racine's Plaidenrs.'' — North British Review. 

About three sheep, that late I lost, 
I had a lawsuit with my neighbour ; 



From French Authors. 195 

And Glibtongue, of our bar the boast, 

Pleaded my case with zeal and labour. 

He took two minutes first to state 

The question that was in debate ; 

Then show'd by learn'd and long quotations, 

The law of Nature and of Nations ; 

What Tully said, and what Justinian, 

And what was Puffendorfs opinion. 

6 Glibtongue ! let those old authors sleep, 

And come back to our missing sheep. 7 



FROM MARSHAL SAXE. 

On the Seven Sacraments, 

Whatever Rome may strive to fix, 

The sacraments are only six. 
This truth will palpably appear, 

When o'er the catalogue you run : 
For surely of the seven 't is clear — 

Marriage and Penance are but one. 

This couplet on a little figure of Cupid is well 
known : 

Qui que tu sois, voila ton maitre, 
Qui Test, le fut, ou le doit etre. 

Whoe'er thou art, thy master see. 
That is or was, or is to be. 



196 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern-. 



FROM LEMIERRE. 

Nature and Sickness fight ; a man the prize ; 
If Nature wins, he lives ; if Sickness, dies. 
Blind men (called doctors) come, the fray to part, 
With random strokes of weapons forged by art. 
If chance they hit the foe the day's their own ; 
If Nature gets the hurt, the patient's gone. 

One much the same was written by Piron on Medicine. 

Mock Epitaph by Piron on himself, in revenge for his 
Exclusion from the Academy.^ 1 ) 

Ci git Piron, qui ne fut rien, 
Pas meme Academicien. 

Thus translated : 

Here lies Piron, a man of no position, 
Who was not even — an Academician. 



FROM VOLTAIRE. 



On Frederic the Great, King of Prussia. 

King, author, philosopher, poet, musician, 

Free mason, economist, bard, politician, 

How had Europe rejoiced if a Christian he ? d been ! 

If a man, how he then had enraptured his queen ! 



From French Authors. 197 



Sloth the Cause of Ennui. 

Of those, who time so ill support. 

The calculation 9 s wrong ; 
Else, why is life accounted short, 

While days appear so long ? 

By action 't is we life enjoy ; 

In idleness we 're dead ; 
The soul 's a fire will self destroy, 

If not with fuel fed. 



FROM JEAX BAPTISTE ROUSSEAU.( S8 ) 

A lord of senatorial fame 

Was by his portrait known outright, 
For so the painter play'd his game, 

It made one even yawn at sight. 

■ 'T is he — the same — there 's no defect 
But want of speech,' exclaimed a flat : 

To whom the limner : — c Pray reflect, 
'T is surely not the worse for that.' 

Bland. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



FROM FRENCH AUTHORS UNKNOWN. 



The Debtor. 

My debtor Paul looks pale and harass'd ; 

Thinks he on means to pay his bill ? 
Oh, no ! he only is embarrass'd 

For means to be my debtor still. 



Whilst Adam slept, Eve from his side arose : 
Strange ! his first sleep should be his last repose. 



* I never give a kiss/ says Prue, 
' To naughty man, for I abhor it.' 

She will not give a kiss, \ is true ; 

She '11 take one though, and thank you for it. 



Addressed to Monsieur M on his Nominatio?i to 

the Legion of Honour. 

In ancient times — 't was no great loss — 
They hung the thief upon the cross : 

But now, alas ! I say 't with grief, 
They hang the cross upon the thief. 



From French Authors. 



199 



5 

On Prince Talleyrand. 

Seven cities boasted Homer's birth, ; t is true, 
But twenty boast of not producing you. 

6 

Mock Epitaph on Talleyrand. ( 89 ) 

The French Grand Chamberlain hath cut his stick, 
And been appointed premier to Old Nick. 



FROM BOURSAULT. 

Le Prelat Orgueilleux. 

Un prelat, de bonne maison — 

Ou bien il n*en est point en France — 

De la grandeur de sa naissance 

Se souvint une fois un peu hors de saison. 

Dans une maladie extreme, 

Extenue, languissant, bleme, 

Mais toujours de son sang soutenant la splendeur, 

; Par votre puissance supreme, 

Seigneur/ s'ecrioit-il en parlant a Dieu meme, 

; Ayez pitie de ma grandeur/ 

A prelate, in whose motley-coloured mind 
Humility and pride were found combined ; 
Prostrate in sickness, while his spirit sank, 
Could not, in that last hour, forget his rank ; 
But breathed to Heaven this prayer of penitence, 
' O Lord ! have mercy on my Eminence ! ' 

Lord Neaves. 



200 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

FROM PIRON. 

I 
Stir M recu a V Academic. 

Lorsque Ton recoit Oronte, 
Pourquoi tant crier paro ? 

Dans le nombre de quarante 
Ne faut-il pas un zero ? 

2 

Contre La Chaussee, poete comique larmoyant. 

Connoissez-vous sur THelicon 

L'une et Fautre Thalie ? 
L'une est chaussee, et l'autre non, 

Mais c'est la plus jolie ; 

L'une a le rire de Venus, 
L'autre est froide et pincee. 

Honneur a la belle aux pieds nus, 
Exilons la Chaussee. 

3 

Contre le Poete Roi. 

Connoissez-vous certain rimeur obscur, 
Sec et guinde, souvent froid, toujours dur, 
Qui ne peut plaire, et peut encore moins nuire, 
Ayant Tusage et non Tart de medire ; 
Pour ses mefaits dans la geole encage 
A Saint- Lazare, apres ce fustige, 



From French Authors. 



Honni, moque bafoue pour ses rimes, 
Chasse, battu, poursuivi pour ses crimes, 
Court content, parlant toujours de soi ? 
Chacun repond : — Cest le Poete Roi. 



4 

Piron was disgusted by Voltaire's rewriting two 
tragedies of Crebillon, and wrote : 

N'en doutez pas ; oui, si le premier homme 

Eut eu le tic de ce faiseur de vers, 

II eut fait pis que de mordre a la pomme, 

Et c'eut ete bien un autre travers ! 

Du grand Auteur de la nature humaine 

II eut voulu defaire Punivers, 

Et le refaire en moins d'une semaine. 

No doubt of it : if Adam our first father 
Had felt this forward rhymester's foolish rage, 
Leaving the apple, he ? d have ventured rather 
In some more widespread mischief to engage. 
Dissatisfied with this fair frame of Nature, 
Whose charms to other ears so clearly speak, 
He 'd have pulled down the work of his Creator, 
And built it up again within the week. 

Lord N eaves. 



Some one wrote a tragedy, Cleopatra, which was 
damned. The best thing in the play was a snake of 
pasteboard, which hissed in the most natural way. 



202 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

The artist who produced the latter fared better than 
the poet at the hands of Piron : 

Deux artistes rivaux. Vaucanson 

Font Thonneur du siecle ou nous sommes ; 

Mais Pun ne fait sinier qu'un serpent de carton, 
Ouand Tautre fait sinier les hommes. 

What rivalry in magic power is this ! 

No fear of these their due laudation missing : 
One artist makes a pasteboard serpent hiss ; 

A greater still sets crowds of men a-hissing. 

Lord Neaves. 

6 
Un tendre aveu semble vous offenser, 

Je me tairai, puisqu'il faut y souscrire ; 
Et ce qu'on dit souvent sans y penser, 

Je le penserai sans le dire. 

It pains you that my passion I reveal : 
I must by silence show that I obey: 

What men say often when they do not feel, — 
Howe'er I feel it, I shall never say. 

Lord Neaves. 

7 
Damis convient, dans son ecrit, 

Qu'il n'est pas ne pour l'eioquence ; 
Je ne sais point ce qu'il en pense, 

Mais je pense ce qu'il en dit. 

Damis says modestly, he must forego 
For wit or eloquence all claim to praise : 

What Damis thinks I own I do not know, 
But I agree with him in what he says. 

Lord Neaves. 



From French Authors. 203 

The point here is from Owen, on the Nugae of 
Bourbon the Poet : 

Quas tu dixisti nugas, &c. 



EEOM M. EOEDE. 

Void, ma sceur, le saint temps de careme, 
Disoit Chloe ; nos peches sont bien grands ! 
II faut flechir la Justice Supreme — 
Que ferons-nous ? Faisons jeuner nos gens ! 

Marquis de St. Just. 

Certain ministre avoit la pierre, 

On resolut de le tailler ; 

Chacun se permet de parler, 

Et Ton egaya la matiere. 

Mais comment, se demandoit-on, 

A-t-il pareille maladie ? 

Cest que son cceur, dit Florimond, 

Sera tombe dans sa vessie. 

A certain statesman, found to have the stone, 

Was doomed to undergo an operation : 
Amongst his friends, the fact, becoming known, 

Occasioned much remark and conversation. 
How came he by this ailment, some one cried : 

I scarce know anything that could be sadder ? 
6 The explanation J s clear/ a wit replied, 

' His heart has just slipped down into his bladder.' 

Lord N eaves. 



204 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Epitaph e dhm Procureur. 

Ci git im procureur de science profonde, 
Qui pendant soixante ans pilla le bien d'autrui ; 
II pleure maintenant, s'il voit de l'autre monde — 
Que tu lis sans payer ces vers qu'on fit pour lui. 

M. de Boulogne. 

Quel est ce monstre que voila, 
Parmi ces jolis enfans-la ? 
Helas ! madame, c'est ma fllle. — 
Ah ! vraiment ! elle est bien gentille ! 

i Who can that ugly creature be, 

Among those girls so nice and neat ? ' 

6 I'm sorry 'tis my daughter, ma'am, you see ;' 
' Well, really she looks very sweet.' 

hord Nea&es. 

JO Abb d de Regrac. 

Un chanoine, ante-Oueneliste, 

En grand secret un soir vint dire a son doyen, 

Monsieur, tout est perdu! — Quoi, parlez!— L'or- 

ganiste — 
Eh bien ! — Le malheureux! il devient Janseniste ! 
Ciel ! Janseniste ? Allez, je le punirai bien ; — 
Des demain, qu'on lui donne un souffleur Moliniste. 

A canon, a great anti-Ouenelist, 

Came to his dean one night in sore dismay ; 
4 All's over, Sir ' — < How, where ? ' ' Our organist, 

Unhappy man ! ' i What of him ? speak away ' — 



From French Authors. 205 

' Has just become '— ' Well, what V 'A Jansenist.' 
' A Jansenist ! good heavens, what's this you say? 

But I know how to trounce such dangerous fellows ; 
Give him a Molinist to blow his bellows.' 

Lord Xeaves 



FROM MALHERBE. 

The Maid of Orleans. 

Fair Amazon ! the cruel foe 
Who to the flames consigned 

Thy form, his scorn of laws displayed, 
And base perfidious mind ! 

But just was Fate, by such a death 
Who raised thee to the sky ; 

For she who like Alcides liv'd, 
Should like Alcides die. 



From Le Ramelet Mounde. By Godelin, a poet 
who wrote in the dialect of Toulouse, in the 17th 
century. 

The gay who would be counted wise, 
Think all delight in pastime lies ; 
Nor heed they what the wise condemn : 
Whilst they pass time — Time passes them. 



206 Epigrams, A?icient and Modern. 

A short time before Buffon, the celebrated naturalist, 
died, he was blind a few days, which occasioned this 

epigram : 

Ah ! s'il est vrai que Buffon perd les yeux, 
Que le jour se refuse au foyer des lumieres : 

La Nature a la fin punit les curieux, 
Qui penetroient tous ses mysteres. 

Thus translated : 

Buffon's bright eyes at length grown dim, 
Dame Nature now no more will yield, 

Or longer lend her light to him 
Who all her mysteries revealed. 

Mrs. Piozzi. 



FROM ITALIAN POETS. 

On a stupid a?id miserly Physician. 

Crowds of patients every hour 

Sordid Galen's aid demand ; 
And still golden guineas shower 

Into his still extended hand : 

Yet, those he takes, he dares notspend, 
But to his useless heap still heaps them : 

Say, who J s the greater fool, my friend, 
You who give, or he who keeps them : 



From Italian Authors. 207 



On a So?t who was not allowed to marry until he had 
arrived at Years of Discretion, 

Poor Stephen is young, and lacks wisdom, 't is said, 

And therefore still longer must tarry : 
If he waits though, methinks, till he's sense in his head, 

I'll be sworn that he never will marry. 



First and Last. 

One single truth before he died 
Poor Dick could only boast ; 

6 Alas, I die ! ' he faintly cried, 
And then gave up the ghost. 



The Niggard. 

Stretch'd on his bed of death old Thomas lying, 

And pretty certain he was dying. 

Instead of summing his offences, 

Began to reckon his expenses. 

For mixtures, bolus, draughts, and pill, 

A long apothecary's bill ; 

And guineas gone in paying doctors, 

With fees to attornies and to proctors ; 

The sexton's and the parson's due, 

The undertaker's reckoning too. 

1 Alas ! ' quoth Tom, with his last sigh, 

' 'T is a most fearful thing to die ! ' 



20 8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



True Riches. 

Irus, though wanting gold and lands, 
Lives cheerful, easy, and content ; 

Corvus unbless'd, with twenty hands 
Employed to count his yearly rent. 

Sages of Lombard ! tell me which 
Of these you think possesses more ? 

One, with his poverty is rich ; 
And one, with all his wealth, is poor. 



From Pananti. 

Is beauty to thine outward form denied ? 
Let virtue's graceful veil its absence hide ; 
As Caesar wreath'd the laurel round his brow, 
And hid the baldness of his head below. 





FROM ALAMANNI (1530). 

I 

Tornata a Menelao 1' ingiusta Elena 
Dicea, di pianto e di vergogna piena : 

' Ben fu rapita esta terrena salma, 

Ma sempre, il cielo il sa, resto tua Y alma.' 

Ed egli : ' Io il credo ben : ma a non celarti 

Mi lasciasti di te la peggior parte.' 



From Italian Authors. 209 

Spake Helen to her spouse one day : 
i See, love, my tears, my weeping see, 

My body, sweet, was borne away, 

My heart, heaven knows, remained with thee.' 

Then he : ' Ah yes ! I well divine 

That ever thy worst part was mine.' 

P. Onslow. 



Riprendea Clitennestra la sorella, 
Che no fu si pudica come bella. 
Rispose Elena a lei : ' S' io gli ho fallito, 
Almen sicuro e vivo e '1 mio marito.' 

Clitemnestra, strife beginning, 
c Helen, thou art fair, but sinning.' 
' Yes,' said Helen, answer giving, 
' I Ve a spouse deceived — and living. 7 

3 

The Oak. Imitated from Metastasio. 

The tall oak towering to the skies, 
The fury of the wind defies ; 
From age to age, in virtue strong, 
Inured to stand, and suffer wrong. 



P.O. 



O'erwhelmed at length upon the plain, 
It puts forth wings, and sweeps the main ; 
The selfsame foe undaunted braves, 
And fights the wind upon the waves. 

• James Montgomery. 

P 



2io Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



FROM THE GERMAN OF LESSING. 



A long way off— Lucinda strikes the men : 

As she draws near, 

And one sees clear, 
A long way off— one wishes her again. 



Grudge leaves the poor his whole possessions nearly : 
He means his next of kin shall weep sincerely. 

3 

On a Volume of Epigrams. 

Point in his foremost epigram is found : 
Bee-like, he lost his sting at the first wound. 

4 

The Matrimonial Balance. 

How strange, a deaf wife to prefer ! 
True, but she 's also dumb, good Sir. 



* He 's gone at last — old Niger ? s dead ! ; 

Last night \ was said throughout the city : 
Each quidnunc gravely shook his head, 

And half the town cried, ' What a pity ! ' 



From German Authors. 211 

The news proved false — 't was all a cheat, 
The morning came the fact denying ; 

And all the town to-day repeat, 

What half the town last night was crying. 

6 

A nut that is hard with a tooth that is rotten ; 

A wife that is young with a man that is old ; — 
Such matches, where fitness has quite been forgotten, 

Are hostile to nature and never can hold. 

Lord N eaves. 



FROM THE GERMAN. 

On the Invention of Gunpowder. (?°) 

King. Friend Kunz, I Ve heard grave people mention 
Gunpowder as the devil's invention. 

Kunz. Whoe'er informed you so was drunk ; 
'T was first invented by a monk. 

King. Well, well, no matter for the name ; 

A monk, or devil — 't is much the same. 



Anathema on the Swedes and their Ravages during 
the < Thirty Years' War.\ 91 ) 

Alles Unschlitt von dem Vieh, das ihr raubtet durch 

das Land 
Asche von gesammtem Ort, den ihr setztet in den 

Brand, 



Epigrams ', Ancient and Modern. 



Gab' an Seifenicht genug ; auch die Oder reichte nicht 
Abzuwaschen innern Fleck, driiber das Gewissen 

richt ! 
Fiihlt es selbsten, was es ist, ich verschweig es itzt mit 

Fleiss : 
Weil Gott, was ihr ihm und uns mitgespielet, selber 

weiSS. Lograu. 

Not the fat of all the cattle thou hast stolen through 
the land ; 

Not the ashes of the homesteads thou hast kindled 
with thy brand ; 

Not mighty Oder foaming as he rushes through the 
plain, 

Could mingle such a cleansing as would free thy hand 
from stain. 

God return thee all the shame thou hast heaped on 
Him and me ; 

For the curse that thou hast wrought, rest the name- 
less curse on thee. 

P. Onslow. 



If one has served thee, tell the deed to many : 
Hast thou served many, tell it not to any. 



1 Better to roam the fields for health unbought, 
Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught.' 
This maxim long I happily pursued, 
And fell disease my health then ne'er subdued, 
But to be more than well at length I tried, 
The doctor came at last— and then I died. 



From Spanish Authors. 213 



FROM THE SPANISH. 



Rebolledo. 

Fair Phillis has fifty times registered vows, 

That of Christian or Turk she would ne'erbe the spouse, 

For wedlock so much she disdained : 
And neither of these she has married, 7 t is true, 
For now she 's the wife of a wealthy old Jew % 

And thus she her vow has maintained. 



The days of our happiness gliding away, 
A year seems a moment, and ages a day ; 
But, Fortune converting our smiles into- tears. 
What an age a diminutive moment appears 

Oh, Fortune ! possess'd of so fickle a name — 
Why only in this art thou ever the same ? 
Oh, change ! and bid moments of pleasure move slow, 
And give eagle-plumes to the pinions of woe. 



FROM REBOLLEDO. 

Pues el rosario tomaes, 
No dudo que le receis 
Por mi que muerto me habeis, 
O por vos, que me matais. 



214 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Fair lady, when your beads you take, 

I never doubt you pray ; 
Perhaps for my poor murdered sake, 

Perhaps for yours that slay. 

R. Simpson. 



SECTION IV. 

Epigrams by English Authors of the Eighteenth 
and Nineteenth Centuries. 



217 



SECTION IV. 



Epigrams by English Authors of the 
Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries, 

On the Supposition of a Tax taking place on Burials 
(1782), To George II L 

Tax'd to the bone thy loving subjects see ! 
But still suppos'd, when dead, from taxes free. 
Now, to complete, great George, thy glorious reign, 
Excis'd to death, we 7 re then excised again. 



Charles James Fox's Reply to Mrs. Montague, who 
had said to him, ' she did not care three skips of a 
louse for him or his politics? 

Says Montague to me, and in her own house, 
; I do not care for you three skips of a louse.' 

I forgive it ; for women, however well bred, 
Will still talk of that which runs most in their head. 



2 1 8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

April-Fool Day. To Mr. on receiving a blank 

Letter from him on the first of April. 

I pardon, sir, the trick you've play'd me, 
When an April fool you made me ; 
Since one day only I appear, 
What you, alas ! do all the year. 

On Paints Age of Reason.^ 2 ) 

In systems as much out of sense as of season, 
Tom Paine names this age as the true age of reason : 
But if right I can judge, or if right I can see, 
It is Treason he means, and he 's right to a T. 

On Nelson's Victory over the French Fleet (1798). 

Our ships at the Nile ( 93 ) have created such terror, 
6 Ex Nilo fit nil' proves a logical error. 

On a Doctor's consulting what to take for his Armorial 
Bearings (1802). 

A group of deaths in every quarter paint, 
Like angels hovering o'er a popish saint ; 
The miracle 's the same, should either save 
A soul from hell or body from the grave. 

The Priest and the Ostler. 

Once at some holy time, perhaps 't was Lent, 
An honest ostler to confession went ; 
And there of sins a long extended score, 
Of various shape and size, he mumbled o'er ; 



By English Authors. 219 

Till, having clear'd his conscience of the stuff, 

For any moderate conscience quite enough, 

He ceased. 6 What more? ' the reverend father cried. 

< No more,' th' unburthen'd penitent replied. 

6 But/ said the artful priest, ' yet unreveal'd, 

There lurks one darling vice within your thoughts con- 

ceal'd. 
Did you, in all your various modes of cheating, 
Ne'er grease the horses' teeth to spoil their eating V 
' Never/ cried Crop. So then, to close each strain, 
He was absolved, and sent to sin again. 
Some months from hence, sad stings of conscience 

feeling, 
Crop at confessional again was kneeling ; 
When, lo ! at every step his conscience easing, 
Out popp'd a groan, and horses' teeth, and greasing ; 
6 Sancta Maria ! ' cried the astonish'd priest, 
' How much your sins have with your days increas'd ! 
When last I saw you, you denied all this.* 
6 True,' said the ostler, 6 very true it is, 
And also true, that, till that blessed time, 
I never, father, heard of such a crime.' 

On One ignorant and arrogant. 

Thou may'st of double ignorance boast, 
Who know'st not that thou nothing know'st 

Cowper. 

Says Chloe, ' Though tears it may cost, 
It is time we should part, my dear Sue ; 

For your character 's totally lost, 
And I 've not got sufficient for two.' 



220 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

The Devil's Infltience* 
When Beelzebub first to make mischief began, 
He the woman attacked, and she gulFd the man, 
This Moses asserts ; and from thence we infer, 
That woman rules man, and the Devil rules her. 

Thus answered : 

Said a man, once conversing, how high in the scale 
Stood man above woman, so feeble and frail ! 
When the trial of virtue in Eden began, 
Satan dared not present his temptation to man. 
Nay, answered the woman, say not what he dared, 
The old serpent knew that some pains might be spared : 
For, said he, if I first get the man to my chain, 
The most difficult part of my task will remain ; 
But can I succeed the fair Eve to allure, 
Adam follows of course, and then both are secure : 
So cease your proud boast of man's firmness, and own, 
If superior either, that woman 's the one : 
Since woman could overcome Adam, poor elf ! 
But to overcome woman took Satan himself. 

Mock Epitaph on Sir John Guise, 

Here lies 
Sir John Guise : 
No one laughs, 
No one cries : 
Where he is gone, 
And how he fares, 
No one knows 
And no one cares. 



By English Authors. 221 



Truth told at Last. 

1 A union on principle/ cries Fox, i I require.' 
1 A union on principle/ says Pitt, ' I admire.' 
Still this union 's delay'd, and on very good ground ; 
For where, pray, is principle now to be found ? 
Our principal statesmen are unprincipled jugglers ; 
Our principal merchants unprincipled smugglers ; 
Our principal rich are unprincipled knaves, 
And our principal poor their unprincipled slaves. 
Through court, city, and country, we vainly pursue 
A phantom much talk'd of, but never in view. 

Addressed to Electors. 

1 Give me your vote/ Sir Canvass cries, 
c And I '11 take care your son shall rise.' 
The promise made, he quits the door, 
Nor thinks of boy or promise more. 
Meanwhile the youth, to learning bred 
Gets lofty notions in his head : 
But when his patron he assails, 
And finds each golden prospect fails, 
To beg ashamed, to work untaught, 
He takes a purse, is fairly caught, 
And soon rewarded with a halter ; 
Thus proves the knight his kind exalter. 

The Plagiarist. 

t A man of letters — Smith ! ' we all agree ; 
A man of letters— yes, a man of three (fur). 



222 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



A happy Suggestion, 

Lend Spunge a guinea ! Ned, you 'd best refuse, 
And give him half — sure half 's enough to lose ! 



A Milk-and- Water Epigra7n. 

6 Are good folk very clean up town ? ' 
Enquired a rustic o'er his porter : 

' Clean ! ' cried a cockney, just come down, 
' They even wash their milk with water.' 



The Incurious. 

Three years in London Bobadil had been, 
Yet not the lions nor the tombs had seen : 
I cannot tell the cause without a smile ; — 
The rogue had been in Newgate all the while. 



On a Part of St. Marys Church at Oxford being 
converted into a Law School. 

Yes, yes, you may rail at the Pope as you please, 
But, trust me, that miracles never will cease. 
See here— an event that no mortal suspected ! 
See Law and Divinity closely connected! 
Which proves the old proverb, long reckon'd so odd, 
That the nearer the church the farther from God. 



By English Authors. 223 



On a Student of All Souls' College being unjustly 
fined. 

' Knowledge is power/ so saith the learned Bacon ; 
And sure in that the sage was not mistaken : 
But happy would it be for All Souls' College, 
If, on the contrary, power gave knowledge. 

On a Bald Head. 

My hair and I are quits, d' ye see ; 
I first cut him\ now he cuts me. 



To a Fool going to travel. 

You say you '11 spend a thousand pound 
The world and men to know, 

And take a tour all Europe round, 
Improving as you go. 

Dear Jack, in search of others 5 sense 

Discover not your own ; 
But wisely double the expense 

That you may pass unknown. 



Wit and Novelty (1795). 

Andrews, 't is said, a comedy has writ 
Replete with novelty, replete with wit ; 
If wit it has, to both I will agree, 
For wit from Andrews must be novelty. ( 94 ) 



224 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

i I will close my letter of simple inquiry with an 
epigram on Sir J. Mackintosh, the Vindici<x Gallicce- 
man, who has got a place at last — one of the last I did 
for the Albion/ — From C. Lamb's Letter to Manning 
(1801). 

Though thou 'rt like Judas, an apostate black, 
In the resemblance one thing thou dost lack ; 
When he had gotten his ill-purchas'd pelf, 
He went away, and wisely hang'd himself: 
This thou mayst do at last ; yet much I doubt, 
If thou hast any bowels to gush out! 

Law Maxim. 

He that holdeth his lands in fee 

Need neither to quake nor to quiver, 

I humbly conceive ; for look, do you see, 
They are his and his heirs' for ever. 

From Lord Campbell's Lives of tJie Lord Chancellors. 

On E. Burke, for his Hostility to Warren Hastings 
(1795)- 

Oft have we wonder'd that on Irish ground 
No poisonous reptile has e'er yet been found ; 
Reveal'd the secret stands of Nature's work, 
She saved her venom to create a Bur&e.( 95 ) 

Attributed to W. Hastings himself. 

On Bonaparte's late Disasters. 

Surrounded, confounded, east, west, north, and south, 
He 's Lip-sic, chop-fallen, and down in the mouth 



By English Authors. 



On the Union (1801). By a Barrister of Dublin . 

Why should we explain that the times are so bad, 

Pursuing a querulous strain ? 
When Erin gives up all the rights that she had, 

What right has site left to complain ? 

During Pitt's long administration, many were the 
epigrams written against him, some few of which are 
subjoined. 

New Taxes. 

Says Billy, quite vex'd, l what can we tax next ? 

I wish some good fellow would show.' 
k Why, hark,' replied one, ' 't will bring in a round sum ; 

Tax each curse that is vented on you.' 

On Ministers saying the Suspension of the i Habeas 
Corpus' ( 96 ) Act had raised the Stocks. 

' See,' cry our ministerial blocks, 
' See how our measures raise the stocks." 
Aye, stocks and stones they might have said ; 
For deeds like these would raise the dead. 

On the Assertion of Mr. Hawkins Browne, ' That 
Mr. Pitt found England of wood, and left it of 
marble.' 

1 From wood to marble,' Hawkins cried. 
1 Great Pitt transformed us, ere he died ! ' 
' Indeed ! ' exclaimed a country gaper, 
' Sure he must mean to marble paper.' 
Q 



226 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Another. 

Browne says, ' That Pitt, so wise and good, 
Could marble make from worthless wood ; 
And who can doubt that saying bold, 
Since he to paper changed our gold ? '(° 7 ) 



FROM THE MORNING CHRONICLE (1793). 

In vino Veritas, they say ; 

Yet lying is so much the custom 
Of certain folks, the safest way 

Is, drunk or sober, not to trust them. 

The faltering tongue which V other day 
Proved Billy's dire disaster, 

Was so accustomed to betray, 
That it betrayed its master. 

The new Echo. 
Pitt: 

For England's glory, Sir, I firm will stick up : 
To which the stranger echo answered, Hiccup. 

Reason for the Apostasy of Ministers. 

The Whigs, because they rat and change 

To Toryism, all must spurn ; 
Yet in the fact there 's nothing strange, 

That wigs should twist, or curl, or turn. 



By English A uthors. 227 



On the oiled and perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord. 

Of miracles this is sans doute the most rare 
I ever perceived, heard reported, or read ; 
A man with abundance of scents in his hair, 
Without the least atom of sense in his head. 



On a little Member's Versatility. 

Why little Neddy yearns 
To rat , there is a reason strong ; 
He needs be everything by herns, 
Who is by nature 7iothing long. 



On a Student being put out of Commons for missing 
Chapel. 

To fast and pray we are by Scripture taught : 
Oh, could I do but either as I ought ! 
In both, alas ! I err ; my frailty such — 
I pray too little, and I fast too much. 



On the prosy Harangue of a certain Bishop. 

When he holds forth, his reverence doth appear 
So lengthily his subject to pursue, 

That listeners, out of patience, often fear. 
He has indeed eternity in view. 



228 Epigrams , Ancient and Modern. 



On a Parson complaining he had lost his 
Portmanteau, 

I Ve lost my portmanteau ; 

6 I pity your grief/ 
All my sermons are in it ; 

< I pity the thief.' 

On Mr, Husband's Marriage. 

This case is the strangest we Ve known in our life. 
The husband 's a husband, and so is the wife. 

Written on a Looking-glass. 

I change, and so do women too ; 
But I reflect, which women never do. 

Answer \ by a Lady. 

If women reflected, oh scribbler, declare, 

What man, faithless man, would be bless'd by the fair ? 



MOCK EPITAPHS. 

0)t a henpecked Coimtry Squire. 

As father Adam first was fool'd, 
A case that 's still too common, 

Here lies a man a woman ruled, 
The Devil ruled the woman. 

R. Burns. 



By English Authors. 22^ 



On a noisy Polemick. 

Below these stones lie Jamie's bones. 

Oh Death ! it's my opinion 
Thou ne'er took such a bleth'rin bitch 

Into thy dark dominion. 

R. Btirns. 



Whoe'er thou art, O reader, know 
That death has murdered Johnny , 

An' here his body lies fa' low, 
For soul he ne'er had any. 

R. B. 

On Pride. 

Fitsmall, who drinks with knights and lords, 

To steal a share of notoriety, 
Will tell you, in important words, 

He mixes in the best society. 



The Vicar and Citrate. 

A Vicar, long ill, who had treasured up wealth, 
Told his Curate each Sunday to pray for his health 
Which oft having done, a parishioner said, 
That the Curate ought rather to wish he were dead. 
' By my troth,' said the Curate, ' let credit be given, 
I ne'er pray'd for his death, but I have for his living.' 



230 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Why are Women beardless ? 

How wisely Nature, ordering all below, 
Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow ; 
For how could she be shaved (whatever the skill) 
Whose tongue would never let her chin be still ? 



Wife Epigram. 

Lord Erskine, at women presuming to rail, 
Says, ' Wives are tin canisters tied to our tail ; ' 
While fair Lady Ann, as the subject he carries on, 
Feels hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison. 
Yet wherefore degrading? considered aright, 
A canister's useful, when polished and bright ; 
And should dirt its original purity hide, 
That 's the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied. 

i?. B. Sheridan, or Lewis the Dramatist. 



EPIGRAMS BY ERSKINE (LORD CHANCELLOR, 1806). 



Erskine^s Rejoinder. 

When smitten with love from the eyes of the fair, 
If marriage should not be your lot, 

A ball from a pistol will end your despair — 
It 's safer than canister-shot. 



By English Authors. 



2 

On Mo or is Translation of Anacreon. 

Oh ! mourn not for Anacreon dead; 
Oh ! weep not for Anacreon fled ; 
The lyre still breathes he touclrd before. 
For we have one Anacreon Moore. 

3 

French Taste. 

The French have taste in all they do, 
Which we are quite without ; 

For Nature, that to them gave goiet, 
To us gave only gout. 

4 
On Scott's Poem of Waterloo. 

On Waterloo's ensanguined plain. 
Full many a gallant man lies slain ; 
But none, by bullet or by shot, 
Fell half so flat as Walter Scott. 



5 

To Lady Payne, on his complaining of feeling unwell 
at her house. 

'T is true I am ill, but I need not complain ; 

For he never knew pleasure that never knew Payne. 



232 Epigrams, A iicient and Modern. 

6 For Better, for Worse.'' 

1 Nay, prithee, dear Thomas, ne'er rave thus and curse ; 

Remember, you took me " for better, for worse." ' 

' I know it/ quoth Thomas, ' but then, madam, look 

you— 
You prove, upon trial, much worse than I took you.' 

On hearing of the Marriage of a Fellow of All Souls' 
College. 

Silvio, so strangely love his mind controls, 
Has, for one single body, left All Souls. 

Consolation. 

Tom to a shrew lives link'd in wedlock's fetter, 
Yet let not Tom his stars too sorely curse : 

As there 's no hope his wife will e'er be better, 
So there 's no fear she ever can be worse. 

On the Banks and Paper Credit of Scotland. 

To tell us why banks thus in Scotland obtain, 
Requires not the head of a Newton or Napier ; 

Without calculation, the matter 's quite plain — 

Where there 's plenty of rags, you '11 have plenty of 
paper. 

Oji the Paris i Loan upon England? ( 98 ) 

The Paris cits, a patriotic band, 

Advance their cash on British freehold land ; 

But let the speculating rogues beware ; 

They 've bought the skin — but who 's to kill the bear ? 

B. Frere. 



By English Authors. 233 



The Affirmative. 

When Celia was ask'd if to church she would go, 
The fair one replied to me, ' No, Richard, no.' 
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess, 
For from grammar I learn'd, 6 No and no stood for yes. ; 

The most fashionable Diner. 

The gentleman who dines the latest 
Is, in our street, esteemed the greatest ; 
But, surely, greater than them all 
Is he who never dines at all. 

j. B. 

Agreement in Opinion. 

6 You're a fool,' mutters Harry; says Thomas, l That's 

true ; 
So must every one be that expects sense from you.' 

Par Nobile Fratrum. 

Two Congreves, at two different periods born, 
In different ways their country did adorn. 
One(") peacefully display'd each comic flight, 
The other ( 10 °) higher soars 'midst war and fight ; 
The squibs of one could but assail men's pockets, 
But blood and death attend the other's rockets. 

Lines written by a Lady on a Window. 

The power of Love shall never wound my heart, 
Though he assail me with his fiercest dart. 



234 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



The Answer. 

The Lady has her resolution spoken ; 

Yet writes on glass, in hopes it may be broken. 



The Parson confuted. 

You tell us, Doctor, 'tis a sin to steal! 
We to your practice from your text appeal. 
You steal a sermon, steal a. nap ; and pray, 
From dull companions don't you steal away ? 



On an Ugly Lady that patched much. 

Your homely face, Flippanta, you disguise 

With patches numerous as Argus' eyes : 

I own that patching 's requisite for you, 

For more we 're pleas'd, the less your face we view : 

Yet I advise, if my advice you 'd ask, 

Wear but one patch, but be that patch a mask. 

On Dr. Evans, Bursar of St. John's College, Oxford, 
cutting down a Row of Trees. 

Indulgent Nature on each kind bestows 

A secret instinct to discern its foes : 

The goose, a silly bird, avoids the fox ; 

Lambs fly from wolves ; and sailors steer from rocks. 

Evans the gallows as his fate foresees, 

And bears the like antipathy to trees. 



By English Authors. 235 



Untainted Honour. 

A late regulation requires that no stain 
Taint the blood of the gentleman pensioners' train : 
This honour I doubt, then, will fall to the ground ; 
For who, sprung from Adam, untainted is found ? 



Applicable to Many. 

Frank, who will any friend supply, 

Sent me ten guineas. ' Come,' said I, 

4 Give me a pen, it is but fair 

You take my note.' Quoth he, ' Hold there, 

Jack ! to the cash I 've bid adieu ; 

No need to waste my paper too.' 



Gratitude. 

If Ben to Charles a legacy has given, 

The grateful Charles now wishes him in heaven. 



The Swiss and the Frenchman. 

To a Swiss, a gay Frenchman in company said, 
1 Your soldiers are forced, Sir, to fight for their bread, 
Whilst for honour alone the French rush to the field : — 
So your motives to ours, Sir, must certainly yield.' 
' By no means,' cried the other ; 'pray why should you 

boast ? 
Each fights for the thing he's in need of the most.' 

y. b. 



236 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Moral Arithmetic. 

Flam, to my face, is oft too kind, 

He over-rates both worth and talents : 

But then he never fails, I find, 

When we're apart, to strike the balance. 

On a Dutch Vessel refusing to take up Major Money. 

Beneath the sun nothing, there 's nothing that 's new ; 

Though Solomon said it, the maxim's not true. 

A Dutchman, for instance, was heretofore known 

On lucre intent, and on lucre alone. 

Mynheer is grown honest, retreats from his prey, 

Won't pick up e'en Money, though dropped in his way. 

The Riddle read. 

What means old Hesiod — ' Half exceeds the whole?' 
Read me the riddle, there 's a clever soul. 
Phyllis, the answer in yourself appears ; 
For twenty-five you'd give your fifty years. 

The Parson versus the Doctor. 

How D.D. swaggers — M.D. rolls ! 

I dub them both a brace of noddies : 
Old D.D. takes the care of souls, 

And M.D. takes the care of bodies. 

Between them both what treatment rare 
Our souls and bodies must endure ! 

One takes the cure without the care, 
T' other the care without the cure. 



By English Authors. 237 



On A aldington's Inefficient Cabinet (1801). 

If blocks can from danger deliver, 
Two places are safe from the French ; 

The first is the mouth of the river, 
The second the Treasury Bench. 



In a Subscription being proposed for raising a Naval 
Column to the Memory of Lord Admiral Nelson, and 
the remainder to go to the Widows and Orphans, &c. 

(i8o S ). 

Whilst a Briton survives, our Nelson's great name 
Can ne'er want a column to blazon his fame ; 
Nor shall those brave fellows who fought by his side 
Be forgot by their country, though nameless they died. 
Lo ! the widows and orphans lamenting their dead, 
Whose husbands and fathers with Nelson have bled ; 
Till these are reliev'd, let your column alone ; 
When they ask you for bread, would you give them a 
stone ? 



To Loi'd Nelson : by Peter Pindar, with his Lordships 
Night-cap, that caught fire on the Poet's head as he 
was reading in bed. 

Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, 

For I wish not to keep it a minute ; 
What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire, 

Is sure to be instantly in it. 



238 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



6 Nil desperandum est ' (1806). 

Sure England, ' single-handed/ still may hope 
With all the hosts of boasting France to cope, 
Since single-handed Nelson, ( 101 ) on the main, 
Could crush the fleets combirtd of France and Spain. 

On Botiaparte, 1804. ( 102 ) 

Says Old Nick to his crony, old Emperor Nero, 
As together they sat in a sulphury bow'r, 

6 1 'm resolv'd now to finish my Corsican hero, 
By crowning his wishes with absolute pow'r.' 

Says Nero, ' Great King of Hell's gloomy dominion, 
Ponder well what your majesty ; s going to do— 

His ambition 's so boundless, that 't is my opinion, 
It never will rest till he overturns you? 

Midas and his Opposites. 

Midas, they say, possess'd the art, of old, 
Of turning whatsoe'er he touch'd to gold. 
This modern statesmen can reverse with ease ; 
Touch them with gold, they '11 turn to what you please. 

Roses against Down ( 1 806). 

' Charles,' says my Lord ( 103 ), ' your ministry reposes — 
We made it for you — on a bed of roses.' 
{ Thorns are our bed,' Fox ( 104 ) answers with a frown, 
< And yours, my Lord, is not a bed of down.' 



By English Authors. 239 



The stamp-duties on receipts were first introduced 
during the short administration of ' All the Talents ; 
(1806). Charles Fox, as usual, was in pecuniary diffi- 
culties \ and the following was penned on the occasion 
by Sheridan, to whom, by the way, the lines are equally 
applicable : 

' I would, 7 says Fox, ( a tax devise, 

That shall not fall on me ; ' 
6 Then tax receipts/ Lord North replies, 

' For those you never see/ 

On the fashionable Rage for ' Waltzing ' (181 1). 

How arts improve in this aspiring age ! 
Peers mount the box, and horses tread the stage ; 
While waltzing females, with unblushing face, 
Disdain to dance but in a man's embrace ! 
How arts improve ! when modesty is dead, 
And sense and taste are, like our bullion, fled. 

R. B. Sheridan. 

On the Donkeys of Brighton. 

Though Balaam's ass got many a thwack, 

Yet was his fortune rare, 
He bore a prophet on his back, 

And saw an angel fair. 

Is not your fortune far more bright, 

Ye Brighton donkeys, say, 
Who -.carry spirits ( 105 ) every night, 

And angels every day ? 



240 Epigrams, A?icient and Modem. 

On Brighton. 

Tell me why on Brighton church you see 

A golden shark ( 106 ) display'd, 
Unless \ were aptly meant to be 

An emblem of its trade ? 

Nor can the truth so well be told 

In any other way ; 
Brighton 's the shark that lives on gold, 

The company its prey. 

The Abbey Church at Bath. 

These walls, so full of monuments and bust, 
Show how Bath-waters serve to lay the dust. 

Dr. Harrington. 

On the Earls of Spencer and Sandwich. 

Two noble earls whom, if I quote, 
Some folks might call me sinner, 

The one invented half a coat, 
The other half a dinner. 

The plan was good, as some will say, 

And fitted to console one, 
Because in this poor starving day, 

Few can afford a whole one. 

On the Same. 

When Tom Macaulay's Indian sits, 
Where London's ruins stretch afar, 

Little he '11 think of England's fame,- 
Of Waterloo and Trafalgar. 



By English Authors. 241 

Yet England's earls e'en then shall live, 
Remembered by our tawny censor, 

Whilst yet he boasts his ' Sandwich ' box, 
And wraps him in his i Spencer.' ( l01 ) 

By an old Gentleman , whose Daughter Arabella im- 
portuned him for Mo?iey. 

Dear Bell, to gain money, sure, silence is best, 
For dumb bells are fittest to open the chest. 

On a Patch on a Lady s Face. 

That artful speck upon her face 
Had been a foil in one less fair ; 
In her it hides a killing grace, 
And she in mercy placed it there. 

Love and Friendship. 

The love that 's cold, or friendship that 's not warm, 
Does no one good, but may do many harm. 

Modern Economy. 

Tom taken by Tim his new mansion to view, 
He observed, ' 't was a big one, with windows too few.' 
' As for that/ replied Tim, ' I 'm the builder's forgiver. 
For taxes 't will save, and that 's good for the liver' 
' True,' says Tom, i as you live upon farthings and 

mites, 
For the liver 't is good, but 't is bad for the lights.' 

R 



242 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On a Ladfs Portrait being taken who used sometimes 
to beat her Husband. 

' Come hither, Sir John, my picture is here ; 

What say you, my love, does it strike you ?' 
< I can't say it does just at present, my dear, 

But I think it soon will, it 's so like you.' 

On being locked in Kensington Gardens, the Gates of 
which are shut at nine o'clock p.m. 

From Paradise Adam and Eve were shut out, 

As a punishment due to their sin, 
But here after nine, should you loiter about, 

For your punishment you '11 be shut in ! 

To a silly childless Man. 

So, Heaven is deaf to thy oft-urged petition, 
Of such as thee 't will give no new edition. 

On the English Prope?isity to Suicide. 

Here Jack Roast-Beef, Esq. doth lie, 
Who hanged himself he knew not why. 

Pope's Epitaph by himself. 

Heroes and kings, your distance keep ; 
In peace let one poor poet sleep, 
Who never flatter'd folks like you : 
Let Horace blush and Virgil too. 



By English Authors. 243 



On a Miser. 

Reader, beware immoderate love of pelf : 

Here lies the worst of thieves — who robb'd himself. 

On a Shrew. 

Two bones of my body have taken a trip, — 
I buried my wife and got rid of my hyp. 

On his Wife, by Dry den. 

Here lies my wife ; here let her lie ! 
Now she 's at rest, and so am I. 

On a Liar. 

If Niger lies, as Niger always will, 
E'en let him, unrelated, lie his fill. 

Who draws me black, discredits not my phiz, 
But shows me what his own hearfs colour is. 

The Wifis Prayer. 

Dick told his spouse, i He durst be bold to swear, 
What e'er she pray'd for, Heaven would thwart her 

pray'r.' 
I Indeed/ says Nell, "tis what I 'm pleas'd to hear, 
For now I '11 pray for your long life, my dear.' 

On Sir John Vanbrugh, the Architect, who designed 
Blenheim. 

Lie heavy on him, earth ; for he 
Laid many a heavy load on thee.. 



244 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On Nothing. Written at the Request of a Lady. 

Write on Nothing ! Lady, shame so to puzzle me ; 
For something, lady, ne'er can nothing be. 
This nothing must be something, and I see, 
This nothing and this something — all in thee. 



Grammatical Advice. 

When man and wife at odds fall out, 

Let syntax be your tutor ; 
'Twixt masculine and feminine, 

What should one be but neuter ? 

On a Fool who was shot through the Head in a Duel. 

Here lies poor Tommy ; Nature at his end 
Thought 't was but right for once to stand his friend : 
For in the shades below he now can say, 
' At least there 's something in my head to-day.' 



EPIGRAMS BY PORSON. 

I 

The Bathos. 

' Since mountains sink to vales, and valleys die, 
And seas and rivers mourn their sources dry ; 
When my old cassock,' says a Welsh divine, 
' Is out at elbows, why should I repine ? ' 



By English Authors. 245 



A child having asked Porson to write some verses 
on a young woman, whose name was Susan, a fa- 
vourite of the family, and then busy ironing linen, he 
at once said : 

When lovely Susan irons smocks, 
No damsel e'er looks neater, 

Her eyes are brighter than the box, 
And burn one like a heater. 

3 

On the Latin Gerunds, Di\ Do, Dum. 

When Dido's spouse to Dido would not come, 
Then Dido wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Dumb. 

4 

On his Academic Visits to the Contine7it. 

I went to Frankfort, and got drunk 
With that most learn'd professor, Brunck : 
I went to Worts, and got more drunken 
With that more learn'd professor, Ruhncken. 

In the Morning Chronicle appeared 101 epigrams 
('sunt quaedam mediocra, sunt mala plura ; ), which 
Porson is said to have written in one night, about Pitt 
and Dundas going drunk to the House of Commons, 
on the evening when a message was to be delivered 
from his Majesty relative to war with France. Pitt 



246 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

tried to speak, but showing himself unable, was kindly 
pulled down into his seat by those about him. This 
scene being told to Porson, he produced amongst the 
rest the two following : 



When Billy found he scarce could stand, 

6 Help, help ! ' he cried, and stretch' d his hand, 

To faithful Henry calling : 
Quoth Hal, < My friend, I 'm sorry for 't ; 
'T is not my practice to support 

A minister that ? s falling.' 



' Who's up ? ' inquired Burke of a friend at the door : 
' Oh ! no one/ says Paddy ; ' though Pitt's on the floor? 



i Howj well our friends,' saith Hal, < have stood their 

ground ! ' 
6 Have they ? ' quoth Will, ' I thought they all turned 
round.' 

An old Worldling's Jeremiade. 

Too old to leap a gate ; 

Too old to flirt with Kate ; 
Too old to gaze on gold and count th' useless treasure ; 
To laugh, to sing, to talk, forbids my failing breath ; 
Too old, too old, for anything but death. 



By English Authors. 247 



To a Female Cup-bearer. ( 10S ) 

Come, Leila, fill the goblet up, 

Reach round the rosy wine ; 
Think not that we will take the cup 

From any hand but thine. 

A draught like this 't were vain to seek, 

Xo grape can such supply ; 
It steals its tints from Leila's cheek, 

Its brightness from her eye. 

The Love of Gold. 

An old gentleman of the name of Gould having 
married a very young wife, wrote a poetic epistle to a 
friend to inform him of it, and concluded it thus : 

i So you see, my dear Sir, though 1 7 m eighty years old, 
A girl of eighteen is in love with old Gould; 

To which his friend replied : 

' A girl of eighteen may love gold, it is true ; 
But believe me, dear Sir, it is gold without u. 1 



On Barrington, Bishop of Durham, and Barriugton( m ) 
the notorious Pickpocket. 

Two of a name — both great in their way — 
At court lately well did bestir 'em ; 

The one was transported to Botany Bay, 
And the other translated to Durham. 



248 Epigrams, Ancient and Mode? 71. 

The Harrogate IVaters. 

As the devil was flying o'er Harrogate wells, 

His senses were charmed with the heat and the smells : 

' I know not/ cried he, ' in what region I roam, 

But I guess by the sweets, that I 'm very near home.' 

Alter et Idem. 

You say you 're old, in hopes we '11 say you 're young, 
But 't is your face we credit, not your tongue. 

On a short Epigram with a long Introduction. 

The head's so large — the tail's so small — 
The point is scarcely seen at all. 

Interest overcomes Principle. 

Virtuous and friendly Squab will be, 
While right and interest can agree ; 
But, when they differ, do not wonder 
If Squab and virtue are asunder. 

A false Estimate. 

Lucia thinks happiness consists in state : 
She weds an idiot ; but she eats on plate. 

The Bully. 

How kind has Nature unto Bluster been, 
Who gave him dreadful looks and dauntless mien, 
Gave tongue to swagger, eyes to strike dismay, 
And, kinder still, gave legs to run away. 



By English Authors. 249 



On a Club-waiter appearing melancholy, and saying 
he was meant for better things than handing plates. 

Smart waiter ! be contented with thy state, 
The world is his who best knows how to wait. 



A Nice Point. 

Say which enjoys the greater blisses, 
John, who Dorinda's picture kisses, 
Or Tom, his friend, the favoured elf, 
Who kisses fair Dorinda's self? 
Faith, \ is not easy to divine, 
While both are thus with raptures fainting, 
To which the balance should incline, 
Since Tom and John both kiss a painting. 



The Point decided. 

Nay, surely John ; s the happier of the twain, 

Because — the picture cannot kiss again ! 



On a Carrier who died of D?'u?iken?iess. 

John Adams lies here, of the parish of Southwell : 
A carrier who carried his can to his mouth well ; 
He carried so much, and he carried so fast, 
He could carry no more, so was carried at last ; 
For the liquor he drank being too much for one, 
He could not carry off, so he's now carrion. 

Lord Byron. 



250 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

The Dead Miser. 

From the grave where dead Gripeall, the miser, reposes, 
What a villanous odour invades all our noses ! 
It can't be his body alone — in the hole 
They have certainly buried the usurer's soul. 

On a certai7i M.P.'s ponderous Speeches. 

Though Sir Edward has made many speeches of late, 
The House would most willingly spare them ; 

For it finds they possess such remarkable weight, 
That it 's really a trouble to dear them. 

Port and Claret.^) 

Firm and erect the Caledonian stood, 
Prime was his mutton, and his claret good ; 
' Let him drink port/ an English statesman cried ; 
He drank the poison, and his spirit died. 

Heine. 

To a Critic. 

You say that ' in scribbling no figure I cut : ' 
No comment with truth can be rifer, 

For while I cut you, should the question be put, 
I must own that I cut but a cipher. 

A Wife's Fool. 

It is a maxim in the schools, 
That women always doat on fools ; 
If so, dear Jack, I 'm sure your wife 
Must love you. as she does her life. 



By English Authors. 251 



The Force of Nature. 

Ask not why Laura should persist 
To lure with smiles and dimples ; 

A woman, like a botanist, 
Delights in culling simples. 



The Literary Quarrel. 

The original author I wot 

Is a very vile blockhead, God mend him ! 
To attack him a viler he 's got, 

And a viler than that to defend him. 



Mock Epitaph on an Attorney. 

Here lies John Shaw, 
Attorney- at- Law ; 
And when he died, 
The Devil cried, 
Give me your paw, 

John Shaw, 
Attorney- at- Law. 



The Orator's Epitaph. 

Here, reader, turn your weeping eyes, 

My fate a moral teaches ; 
The hole in which my body lies 

Would not contain one-half my speeches. 

L ord £ rough a m . 



252 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Written on a piece of glass the fiftieth part of an 
inch in length and the two-hundredth of an inch in 
width : — 

A point within an epigram to find 

In vain you often try ; 
But here an epigram within a point 

You plainly may descry.( m ) 



Sent with a Couple of Ducks to a Patient 
By the late Dr. Jenner. 

I 've despatched, my dear Madam, this scrap of a letter, 

To say that Miss is very much better : 

A regular doctor no longer she lacks, 

And therefore I Ve sent her a couple of quacks. 

The Reply. 

Yes ! 't was politic, truly, my very good friend, 
Thus a ' couple of quacks ' to your patient to send ; 
Since there 7 s nothing so likely as ' quacks/ it is plain, 
To make work for a ' regular doctor ' again. 

A commercial traveller lately left a shirt at an inn, 
and wrote to the chambermaid to forward it to him 
by coach, which produced the following : 

I hope, dear Sir, you '11 not feel hurt, 
I '11 frankly tell you all about it ; 

I 've made a shift with your old shirt, 
And you must make a shift without it. 



By English Authors. 253 



A Reflection. 

• Help ! help ! ; cried old Father Francesco, one night. 
While Friar John ran to his help in a fright, 

' I have just seen the devil along my cell pass ! 
By our Lady 7 t was he — in the shape of an ass ! ' 
■ Less noise, 7 whisper d John, with a look of disdain, 

• When you chance to behold your own shadow again V 



mons to Gen. Sir J, Stic art to sur- 
render Sicily 'j in order to spare the Effusion of Blood 

112) 

Says Murat to Stuart, ' Of blood I ; m so tender, 
I beg. without fighting, your force you ; 11 surrender.' 
Says the Hero of Maida ( 113 ) to Murat — i Excuse me : 
And much your fine feelings amaze and amuse me : 
Here determined we stand, you may come when you 

will. 
Even- drop in our veins we are ready to spill I ' 
Aside mutter d Murat, i Parblue ! when I sent, 
'T was my own blood to spare, and not yours that I 

meant. 7 



The Congress at Vie?ina (18 14). ( 114 ) 

In cutting, and dealing, and playing their cards, 
Revoking and shuffling for tricks and rewards, 
The kings have been changed into knaves, and the rest 
Of the honours have either been lost or suppressed. 



254 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



Footntan Tom and Dr. Toe.(^ lb ) 

'Twixt Footman Tom and Dr. Toe 

A rivalship befell, 
Which should become the fav'rite beau, 

And bear away the belle. 

The footman won the lady's heart ; 

And who can wonder ? No man : 
The whole prevail'd against the part — 

'T was Foot-maxi versus 7^-man, 



0?i the Same. 

Dear lady, think it no reproach, 
It show'd a generous mind, 

To take poor Thomas in the coach, 
Who rode before behind. 

Dear lady, think it no reproach, 
It show'd you loved the more, 

To take poor Thomas in the coach, 
Who rode behind before. 



Choice of Knave or Fool. 

To Flavia's shrine two suitors run. 
And woo the fair at once ; 

A needy fortune-hunter one, 
And one a wealthy dunce. 



Hebe 



By English Authors. 255 

How thus twin-courted shell behave 

Depends upon this rule — 
If she ; s a fool she ; 11 wed the knave, 

But if a knave the fool. 

James Smith. 

On hearing that Napoleon 's Spurs had been found in 
the Imperial Carriage after the Battle of Waterloo. 

These Napoleon left behind, 
Flying swifter than the wind, 
Needless to him when buckled on, 
Wanting no spur but Wellington. 

Lord Erskine. 

Fortunate Hits. 

(James and Horace Smith, authors of the Rejected Ad- 
dresses. ) 

James Smith was once handsomely rewarded for a 
very trifling production of his muse. He had met at 
a dinner-party Mr. Strahan, the king's printer, then 
suffering from gout and old age, though his faculties 
remained unimpaired. Next morning James de- 
spatched to Mr. Strahan the following : 

Your lower limbs seem'd far from stout 

When last I saw you walk ; 
The cause I presently found out 

When you began to talk. 

The power that props the body's length, 

In due proportion spread, 
In you mounts upwards, and the strength 

All settles in the head. 






256 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Strahan was so much gratified by the compliment 
that he made an immediate codicil to his will, by 
which he bequeathed to the writer 3000/. Horace 
Smith, however, mentions that Mr. Strahan had other 
motives for his generosity, for he respected and loved 
the man quite as much as he admired the poet. 

Horace made a happier, though, in a pecuniar} sense, 
(Hjef <4gs& lucky A epigram on Miss Edgeworth. 

We every-day bards may ' anonymous ' sign — 
That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine. 
Thy writings, where satire and moral unite, 
Must bring forth the name of their author to light. 
Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth ; 
The bad own their Edge, the good own their worth. 

From Lives of Wits and Humojirists by JoJui Timbs, F.S.A. 

To a Wealthy Vinegar Merchant. 

Let Hannibal boast of his conquering sway. 

Thy liquid achievements spread wider and quicker ; 
By vinegar he through the Alps made his way, 

But thou through the world 'by the very same liquor. 

James Smith. 

On Lord Brougham, when Mr. Brougham, saying 
that his Enmity to Pitt should be written on his 
Tomb. 

Brougham writes his epitaph, to wit, 
< Here lies the enemy of Pitt.' 
If we 're to take him a la lettre, 
The sooner 't is inscribed the better. 

Rt. Hon. G. Canning. 



"£., ju^'^j^ *— ~**- "-*-" \ 



K 



*v 



By English Authors. 257 



On Jeffrey, the Edinburgh Reviewer, riding o?i a 
Donkey at the Seaside. 

Short, but not so fat as Bacchus, 
Witty as Horatius Flaccus, 
As great a Jacobin as Gracchus, 
See little Jeffrey on a Jackass. 

Sydney Smith. 

On a Caricature, in which three Harrow Boys appear 
placed in a Pair of Scales, outweighing an equal 
number of Etojiians. 

What mean ye by this print so rare, 

Ye wits of Harrow, jealous ? 
But that we soar aloft in air, 

While ye are heavy fellows ? 

Rt. Hon. G. Canning.*^™) 

Reply to the same. 

Cease, ye Etonians ! and no more 

With rival wits contend, 
Feathers, we know, will float in air, 

And bubbles will ascend. 

Theodore Hook. 

True Friends. 

Well said, my friend, I like your creed, 
That friends in need are friends indeed : 
Thus you and I are friends most true, 
For I ; m in need, and so are you. 

S 



258 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



EPIGRAMS BY THEODORE HOOK. 



On Shelley 's Poem, l Prometheus Unbound' 

Shelley styles his new poem i Prometheus Unbound/ 
And ? t is like to remain so while time circles round ; 
For surely an age would be spent in the finding 
A reader so weak as to pay for the binding. 



On Mr. Coke's (Earl of Leicester) seco?id Marriage. — 
Interesting to Gasnien. 

When the coal is consumed, how great are the gains 
To be made, as we know, from the coke that remains ! 
The reverse may, however, sweet Anna console, 
When her Coke shall be gone, she will still have the 
coal. 

3 

On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper. 

Two Miltons in separate ages were born : 
The cleverer Milton \ is clear we have got ; 

Though the other had talents the world to adorn, 
This lives by his ?news, which the other could not ! 



By English Authors. 259 

Words cannot do justice to Theodore Hook's talent 
for improvisation : it was perfectly wonderful. One 
day, when sitting playing the piano and singing 
an extempore song as fluently as if he had had the 
music and words before him, Moore, the poet, happened 
to look into the room, when he instantly introduced a 
long parenthesis : 

And here ? s Mr. Moore 
Peeping in at the door, &c.' 

Table Talk of S. Rogers. 

At another time, when playing and extemporising 
on the names of the company who were present, a 
Mr. Winter entered, when Hook at once went off as 
follows : 

Here comes Mr. Winter, surveyor of taxes, 
I advise you to give him whatever he axes ; 
And that too, without any nonsense or flummery, 
For though his name ? s Winter his actions are summary. 

Sometimes Hook was strangely puzzled by hard 
names, as in the case of a Mr. Rosenagen, a young 
Dane ; but he mastered the difficulty as follows : 

Yet more of my muse is required. 

Alas ! I fear she is done ; 
But no, like a fiddler that ? s tired, 

I '11 Rosen-agen, and go on. 

It is well known, he was the editor of that ta- 
lented paper John Bull, at its commencement, ' which, 
besides its political satire, in quite a new vein, was, as 
it still continues to be, an excellent digest of the week's 



260 Epigrams \ Ancient and Modern. 

news. Its treatment of public questions had much of 
the plain straightforward character which we associate 
with the sobriquet of John Bull. As a novelist he was 
second only to Sir W. Scott.' — Timbs? Lives of Wits 
and Humourists. 

Lord Carlisle being very indignant at hearing that 
Napoleon (I.) had given Lady Holland a Snuff-Box, 
wrote some lines beginning : 

' Lady, reject the gift, 't is stained with gore, &c.' 

To which Lord Byron replied : 

Lady, accept the gift a hero wore 

In spite of all this elegiac stuff, 
Nor let seven stanzas written by a bore 

Prevent your Ladyship from taking snuff. 

On seei7ig Sir J. C. Hobhouse (Lord Broughton) at 
Athens wearing Olive-green Trousers. 

Green are the bays that good writing confers, 

Our Byron has his, Comma has hers : 

And Hobhouse, determined to get himself some, 

Came to Athens one day with green baize on his b — m. 

Lord Sligo. 

On Rogers the Poet, who was very Egotistical. 

So well deserved is Rogers' fame, 
That friends, who hear him most, advise 
The egotist to change his name 
To ' Argus/ with his hundred Ps. 



By English Authors. 261 



On Moore'' s Poems. 

Lalla Rookh ( 117 ) 
Is a naughty book, 
By Tommy Moore, 
Who has written four ; 
Each warmer 
Than the former, 
So the most recent 
Is the least decent. 

Sneyd. 



On Lord Ward, first Earl of Dudley. 

Ward has no heart they say ; but I deny it : 
He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it. 

S. Rogers. 

Imitated. 

The charming Mary has no mind, they say : 
I prove she has— it changes every day. 



On the Departure of a certai?i Count for Italy, when he 
sent some Italian Mtcsic in score for the Opera. 

He has quitted the Countess — what can she wish more ? 
She loses one husband, and gets back a score. 

S. Rogers. 



262 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

EPIGRAMS BY T. MOORE. 

I 

Description of Mahomedans. 

Men of the saintly murderous brood, 
To carnage and the Koran given ; 

Who think through unbelievers' blood, 
Lies the directest path to heaven. 

2 
A Stunning Question. 

1 Come, come,' said Tom's father, t at your time of life 
There 's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake ; 

It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife.' 
1 Why so it is, father — whose wife shall I take ? ' 

3 

The Catholic Delegate and his Royal Highness the 
Duke of Cumberland. 

Said his Highness to Ned, with that grim face of his, 
6 Why refuse us the veto, dear Catholic Neddy ?' 

1 Because, Sir,' said Ned, looking full in his phiz, 
6 You \z forbidding enough, in all conscience, already.' 

4 
On a Squinting Poetess. 

To no one Muse does she her glance confine, 
But has an eye, at once, to all the Nine. 



By English Authors, 263 

5 

What's my Thought like? 

Quest. Why is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh ? 
Ans. Because it is a slender thing of wood, 

That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, 
And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away, 
In one weak, washy, everlasting flood! 

6 

To Miss . 



With woman's form and woman's tricks 
So much of man you seem to mix, 

One knows not where to take you : 
I pray you, if 't is not too far, 
Go, ask of Nature which you are, 

Or what she meant to make you. 

Yet, stay ; — you need not take the pains- 
With neither beauty, youth, or brains, 

For man or maid's desiring : 
Pert as female, fool as male, 
As boy too green, as girl too stale, 

The thing 's not worth inquiring ! 



On Moore the Poet. 

When Limerick once in idle whim, 
Moore, as her member, gaily courted, 

The boys, for fun's sake, ask'd of him 
To state what party he supported ; 



264 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

When thus to them the answer ran, 
At least 't is thus I Ve heard the story, 

'I'mof no party as a man, 
But as a poet, am-a-tory? 

A lady having found a copy of Little's Poems (Tom 
Moore) under the pillow of her maid's bed, wrote on it 
in pencil : 

You read Little I guess, 

I wish you 'd read less. 

Under which, no doubt inspired by the march of 
intellect, the maid wrote : 

I read Little before, 

Now I mean to read Moore. 

Circumstances alter Cases. 

i Whatever is, is right/ says Pope, 

So said a sturdy thief ; 
But when his fate required a rope, 

He varied his belief. 

I ask'd if still he held it good ; 

6 Why, no,' he sternly cried : 
1 Good texts are only understood 

By being well applied.' 

Out of Spirits. 

* Is my wife out of spirits ? ' said John with a sigh, 
As her voice of a tempest gave warning. 

1 Quite out, Sir, indeed,' said her maid in reply, 
1 For she finish'd the bottle this morning.' 



By English Authors. 265 



On a Drunken Man, 

He tumbles about, like a fool, we must own ; 
For by keeping it up, he has knocked himself down : 
Yet, if he continues oft draining his cup, 
By falling so often, he '11 knock himself up. 



When Drunk. 

Not drunk is he who from the floor 
Can rise alone and still drink more ; 
But drunk is he who prostrate lies 
Without the power to drink or rise. 



On the Earl of Chatham and Sir Richard Strahan, 
Leaders of the unfortunate Walcheren Expedition 

(1809). (»«) 

The Earl of Chatham, with his sword drawn, 
Was waiting for Sir Richard Strahan ; 
Sir Richard, burning to be at ? em, 
Was waiting for the Earl of Chatham. 



Apoplexy. 

Apoplexy cramru'd intemperance knocks 
Down to the ground, as butcher felleth ox. 



266 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



EPIGRAMS BY LORD BYRON. 

I 
The World 

The world is a bundle of hay, 
Mankind are the asses that pull, 

Each tugs it a different way, 
And the greatest of all is John Bull. 

2 
Tom Paine and Cobbett.( 119 ) 

In digging up your bones, Tom Paine, 

Will Cobbett has done well ; 
Y~ou visit him on earth again, 

He'll visit you in Hell. 

3 

Windsor Poetics. On the Prince Regent (Geo. IV.) 
being seen as he stood between the coffins of Henry 
VIII. and Charles I. in the Royal Vault at Windsor. 

Famed for contemptuous breach of sacred ties, 

By headless Charles see heartless Henry lies ; 

Between them stands another scepter'd thing — 

It moves, it reigns — in all but name, a king ; 

Charles to his people, Henry to his wife, 

In him the double tyrant starts to life ; 

Justice and death have mix'd their dust in vain, 

Each royal vampire wakes to life again. 

Ah ! what can tombs avail, since these disgorge 

The blood and dust of both to mould a George ? 



By English Authors. 267 



4 

To Mr, Hobhouse (Lord Broughton) on Ms Election 
for Westminster. 

Would you get to the House through the true gate, 
Much quicker than even Whig Charley went, 

Let Parliament send you to Newgate, 
And Newgate will send you to Parliament. 

On reading By r oris Drama i Cain, a Mystery ' (1822). 

Poet of Darkness ! ? t was thy former plan 
To teach mankind t' abhor the race of man ; 
More darkling now the path thy muse has trod, 
It leads the race of man t' abjure their God ! 

On Bonaparte 's Failure in Russia.( uo ) 

Of all hard-named generals that caused much de- 
straction, 

And poor Boney's hopes so ill-naturedly cross'd, 
The hardest of all, and the keenest in action, 

That Russia produces is General Frost. 

The changed Lover. 

I loved thee beautiful and kind, 
And plighted an eternal vow : — 

So altered are thy face and mind, 
T were perjury to love thee now. 

Lord Nugent. 



268 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Wine versus Tea. 

If Wine be poison, so is Tea — but in another shape — 
What matter whether we are kill'd by canister or grape ? 

On Epigrams. 

The best of epigrams should be restrained : — 
As to be read, in running, and retain'd. 



On the Disappointment of the Whig Associates of the 
Prince Regent at not obtaining office.^ 11 ) 

Ye politicians, tell me pray, 

Why thus with woe and care rent ? 
This is the worst that you can say, 
Some wind has blown the wig away, 
And left the Hair Apparent. 

Charles Lamb. 



On the Mania of Ladies for Diamonds and Men for 
Play: written at the time of the Opening of Crock- 
ford's Club. 

Thoughtless that ' all that 's brightest fades ; ' 
Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, 

The Sexton and his Subs, 
How foolishly we play our parts, 
Our wives on Dia?nonds set their hearts, 

We set our Hearts on Clubs. 



By English Authors, 269 



BY CAMPBELL THE POET. 

To a Young Lady who had asked him to write Some- 
thing Original for her. 

An original something, dear maid, you would wish me 

To write ; but how shall I begin ? 
For I ? m sure I have nothing original in me 

Excepting Original Sin. 



EPIGRAMS BY S. T. COLERIDGE. 

I 

On a bad Singer. 

Swans sing before they die : ? t were no bad thing 
Should certain persons die before they sing. 

2 

Job's Luck. 

Sly Beelzebub took all occasions 
To try Job's constancy and patience ; 
He took his honours, took his health, 
He took his children, took his wealth, 
His camels, horses, asses, cows, — 
Still the sly devil did not take his spouse. 



270 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

But heaven, that brings out good from evil, 

And likes to disappoint the devil, 

Had predetermined to restore 

Twofold of all Job had before, 

His children, camels, asses, cows, — 

Short-sighted devil not to take his spouse. 



An Expectoration, or Splenetic Extempore, on his 
Departure from the City of Cologne. 

As I am a rhymer, 
And now, at least, a merry one, 

Mr. Mum's Rudesheimer, 
And the church of St. Geryon, 

Are the two things alone 

That deserve to be known 
In the body-and-soul-stinking town of Cologne. 

4 

Expectoration the Second. 

In Coin, the town of monks and bones, 

And pavements fang'd with murderous stones, 

And rags, and hags, and hideous wenches, 

I counted two-and-seventy stenches, • 

All well-defined and separate stinks ! 

Ye nymphs that reign o'er sewers and sinks, 

The river Rhine, it is well known, 

Doth wash your city of Cologne. 

But tell me, nymphs, what power divine 

Shall henceforth wash the river Rhine. 



By English Authors. 271 

5 

On a bad Poem. 

Your poem must eternal be, 

Dear Sir, it cannot fail ; 
For \ is incomprehensible, 

And wants both head and tail, 

On Samuel Rogers's Poem i Italy.' 

Of Rogers's 6 Italy/ Luttrell relates, 

'T would surely been dish'd if 'twern't for the plates. 

Countess of Blessingtm. 

The Inquest. 

Poor Peter Pike is drown'd ; and, neighbours say, 

i The jury mean to sit on him to-day/ 

J Know'st thou what for ? J said Tom. Quoth Ned, 6 No 

doubt, 
'T is merely done to squeeze the water out' 



On the Prison Treading-mill, invented by Sir Wm. 
Cubitt of Ipswich. 

The coves in prison, grinding corn for bread, 

Denounce thee, Cubitt, every step they tread ; 

And, though the ancients ( 122 ) used thee, sure *t is hard 

The moderns cannot use the prison-yard : — ■ 

By law they work, and walk, and toil in spite, 

Yet ne'er exceed two feet from morn till night. 



272 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



LEGAL JEUX-D'ESPRITS. 

On Garrow's cross-questioning an Old Woman, trying 
to elicit from her that a Tender had been made for 
some Premises in dispute. 

Garrow, forbear ! That tough old jade 
Can never prove a tender made. 

Jekyll. 

On JekylPs being nearly thrown down by a very small 
Pig. 

As Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig, 
He happened to tread on a very small pig : 
1 Pig of science/ he said, ' or else I 'm mistaken, 
For surely thou ? rt an abridgment of Bacon.' 

On Mr. Justice J. A. Park. 

James Allen Park 
Came naked stark 

From Scotland ; 
And now he goes 
In very fine clothes 

In England. 

Lord Erskine. 

On More, Lord High Chancellor of England (1530). 

When More some time had Chancellor been, 

No more suits did remain ; 
The same shall never more be seen, 

Till More be there again. ( 123 ) 



By English Authors. 273 



No Reason in Law. 

Our statesmen all boast that in matters of treason, 
The law of Old England is founded on reason ; 
But they own that when libel comes under its paw, 
It is rarely indeed that there ? s reason in law. 

Dives and Lazarus.^) 

Dives the Cardiff Bar retains, 
And counts their learned noses, 

Whilst the defendant Lazarus 
On Abraham'' s breast reposes. 

Jekyll, 

The History of a Case shortly reported by a Master in 
Chancery. 

No. 1 — A Chancery Suit. 

Mr. Leach( 125 ) made a speech, 

Angry, neat, and wrong ; 
Mr. Hart,( 126 ) on the other part, 

Was right, and dull and long. 

Mr. Parker made the case darker, 
Which was dark enough without ; 

Mr. Cooke quoted his book,( 127 ) 
And the Chancellor( 128 ) said, / doubt. 

Sir George Rose, 

No. 2 — Case decided. 

A woman, having a settlement, 
Married a man with none ; 

The question was, he being dead, 
If that she had was gone. 

T 



274 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Quoth Sir John Pratt, ' Her settlement 

Suspended did remain, 
Living the husband, but him dead, 

It did revive again. 7 

(Chorus of Puisne Judges) 
Living the husband, but him dead, 
It did revive again. 



On the Appointment of Paul Stratford to be a Master 
in Chancery o?i the Death of Master Stanley. 

Mr. Death, Mr. Death, it was very unmanly 

To leave Emperor Paul( 129 ) and take poor Master Stanley. 

Conversation between James Smith (one of the Authors 
of ' Rejected Addresses ') and Sir G. Rose, in al- 
lusion to Craven Street, Strand, where the former 
resided. 

J. S. At the top of my street attorneys abound, 

And down at the bottom the barges are 

found : 
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat, 
For there ? s craft in the river, and craft in 
the street. 

Sir G. R. Why should honesty fly to some safer retreat 
From attorneys and barges J od rot 'em ; 
For the lawyers are just at the top of the 
street, 
And the barges are just at the bottom ? 



By English Authors. 275 



On a Proposed Inscription for the Gate of the Inner 
Temple. 

As by the templars' holds you go 
The Horse and Lamb,( 130 ) displayed 

In emblematic figures, show 
The merits of their trade. 

That clients may infer from thence 
How just is their profession — 

The Lamb sets forth their innocence, 
The Horse their expedition. 

Oh happy Britons ! happy isle ! 

Let foreign nations say, 
Where you get justice without guile, 

And law without delay. 

Reply to the same. 

Deluded men, these holds forego. 

Nor trust such cunning elves : 
These artful emblems serve to show 

Their clients, not themselves. 

T is all a trick ; these are but shams 
By which they mean to cheat you ; 

But have a care — for you 5 re the Lambs, 
And they the wolves that eat you. 

Nor let the hope of no delay 
To these their courts misguide you ; 

T is you 're the showy horse, and they 
The jockeys that would ride you. 



276 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 

Upon the Barons of the Exchequer. 

Parke settled the law ; 

Rolfe settled the facts ; 

Alderson settled the counsel ; 

Pollock settled everything but the case ; 

Piatt settled himself. 

A Dilemma. 

6 I doubt,' quoth Leach, ' since choice is free, 

And none my will controls, 
If I Vice Chancellor will be, 

Or Master of the Rolls. 

* Though on the Rolls I 'm fully bent, 

Two obstacles are plain, 
I 'm loth to sit in Parliament, 

Or live in Chancery Lane.( 131 ) 

' Betwixt gentility and vovs 

Few men feel so much bother : 
Prudence deters me from one house, 

And fashion from the other.' 

While Lord Eldon was obtaining, by his doubts and 
delays, for the Court of Chancery the character of a 
court of oyer sans terminer, the despatch of the Master 
of the Rolls in his court of termi7ier sans oyer, was 
thus celebrated by one as causeless as the cause : 

A judge sat on the judgment bench, 

A jolly judge was he : 
He said unto the registrar, 

/Now call a cause to me.' 



By English Authors. 277 

' There is no cause/ said registrar, 
And laugh'd aloud with glee, 
' A cunning Leach hath despatched them all, 
I can call no cause to thee,' 



On Sir John Leach, M. P., going over from the Opfto- 
sition to the Tories. 

The Leach you Ve just bought should first have been 
To determine its nature and powers; [tried, 

You can hardly expect it will stick to your side, 
Having falFn off so lately from ours. 



A Lawyer's Declaration : the best Fee, the Female, 

Fee-simple, and the simple/"^, 

And all the_/^ in tail, 
Are nothing when compared wi-th thee, 

Thou best oifees—fe-male. 



Judgment in Chancery. 

When house and lands are gone and spent, 
Then judgment is most excellent. 



A Parody on the same. 

When port and sherry 's gone and spent, 
Then Barclay's beer ? s most excellent. 



278 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



The Lawsuit. 

A weighty lawsuit I maintain ; 
J T is for three crab-trees in a lane. 
The trees are mine, there ? s no dispute, 
But neighbour Quibble crops the fruit. 
My counsel, Bawl, in studied speech, 
Explores, beyond tradition's reach, 
The laws of Saxons and of Danes, 
Whole leaves of Doomsday-book explains, 
The origin of tithes relates, 
And feudal tenures of estates. 
' If now you Ve fairly spoke your all, 
One word about the crab-trees, Bawl.' 

The Victo?y. 

Unhappy Chremes, neighbour to a peer, 

Kept half his sheep, and fatted half his deer : 

Each day his gates thrown down, his fences broke, 

And injured still the more, the more he spoke : 

At length, resolved his potent foe to awe, 

And guard his right, by statute and by law, 

A suit in Chancery the wretch begun : 

Nine happy terms, through bill and answer, run, 

Obtained his cause, had costs, and was undone. 

To a Briefless Barrister. 

If, to reward them for their various evil, 
All lawyers go hereafter to the devil ; 
So little mischief thou dost from the laws, 
Thou 'It surely go below without a cause. 



By English Authors. 279 



On the Death of Sir Joseph Yates.( u2 ) 

Hadst thou but ta'en each other Judge. 

Grim Death, to Pluto's gates, 
Thou mightst have done 't without a grudge, 

Hadst thou but left us Yates. 



On the Statue in Clement's Inn of a Negro supporting 
a Sun- dial. 

In vain, poor sable son of woe, 

Thou seek'st the tender tear ; 
For thee, alas ! it still must flow, 

For mercy dwells not here. 

From Cannibals thou fled'st in vain. 

Lawyers less quarter give ; 
The first won't eat you till you 're slain, 
The last will do 't alive. 



Meum and Tuum reconciled. 

The Law decides questions of Meum and Tuum, 
By kindly arranging — to make the thing Suum. 



The Lawyer's House. 

The lawyer's house, if I have rightly read, 
Is built upon the fool's or madman's head. 



280 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Rataliation. 

When we Ve nothing to dread from the law's sternest 

frowns, 
How we smile at the barristers' wigs, bands, and gowns; 
But no sooner we want them to sue or defend, 
Than their laughter begins, and our mirth J s at an end. 

On Judge Grose condemning a Man convicted of 
Bigamy to the Payment of One Shilling. 

Ye gentlefolks all, here 's a secret worth knowing, 
In Leicestershire, wives are the cheapest things going. 
To back my assertion this truth as fulfilling, 
If you have a Grose, why you pay but a shilling. 

Brevis esse laboro. 

In a cause of three years, for three pinches of snuff, 
Here's a Brief of three yards ; I hope that's Brief 
enough. 

The Advantage of a Nonsuit. 

Full twenty years, through all the courts, 

One craving process George supports. 

You 're mad, George — twenty years ! you 're mad : 

A nonsuit 's always to be had. 

On the Acquittal of one Angus for Murder at Lancaster. 

This day twelve colts before a noted Ass 
Agreed to hang a thief and let a murderer pass. 



By English Authors. 28 1 

On an Ill-read Lawyer, 

An idle attorney besought a brother. 

For ' something to read — some novel or other ; 

That was really fresh and new.' 
' Take Chitty/( 133 ) replied his legal friend, 
' There isn ? t a book that I could lend 

Would prove more novel to you ! ? 

The Injustice of the Law of LibeL 
You may say certain spades are black ; 

And you may call a spade a spade : 
But if you name a Quack a Quack, 

By law of libel, you are flay'd. 

The ace of spades you deem an ace ; 

No legal terrors then you brave, 
But 't is with cards alone the case 

That you may call the Knave a Knave. 

On the Oratory and Scarlet Robes of Sergeants at Law. 

The Sergeants are a grateful race : 

Their dress and language show it ; 

Their purple robes from Tyre we trace, 

Their arguments go to it. 

Jekyll 

Scire tuum nihil est* 

To have a thing is little, if you 're not allowed to show 

it, 
And to know a thing is nothing, unless others know 

you know it. 

Lord N eaves. 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



The Gorham Controversy. i™*) Gorham v. Bishop of 
Exeter. 



Argument for. 

Baptized a baby, 

Fit sine labej 

As the act makes him, 

So the Church takes him. 

Argument against. 

Unless he be fit, 

We very much doubt it ; 

And, devil a bit, 

Is it valid without it. 

Judgment. 

Bishop and vicar, 
Why do you bicker 
Each with his brother ; 
Since both are right, 
Or one is quite 
As wrong as the other ? 

A 'abjudication. 

Bishop nonsuited, 

Priest unrefuted, 

To be instituted, 

Costs deliberative, 

Pondering well, 

Each take a shell, 

The Lawyers The Native. 



By English Authors. 283 



Chorus and Semi-chorus of People on the above. 

Hurrah for the Bishop ! Hurrah for the Vicar ! 
Hurrah for the row, that grows thicker and thicker ! 
Alas for the Church, that grows sicker and sicker ! 

Moral. 

Odium theologictwi to fish up, 

In a priest is a curse ; 
But in right reverend Bishop 

Ecce ter quaterque worse ! 

Q. E. D. 

If the Vicar 7 s a pest, 

The Bishop ecce turpior est. 

Sir George Rose. 

Lines to the Court of Insolvent Debtors. 

i Risu solvuntur Tabulce? 

' Qui niger, et captivus eram, candore nivali 
Splendidus, egredior carcere, liber homo. 

Solvuntur curae ; solvuntur vincula ferri ! 
Solvitur attonitus creditor — in lacrymas. 

Solvor ego; tantum non solvitur ses alienum ; 
A non solvendo rite solutus ero. ; 

The following translation is said to be by the late 
Rev. R. H. Barham, author of the higoldsby Legends : 

A blackleg late, and prisoner, hence I go 

In whitewashed splendour, pure as unsunn'd snow ; 



284 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

Dissolved my bonds 5 dissolved my cares and fears; 
My very creditors dissolved — in tears ; 
All questions solved : the Act resolves me free, 
Absolved in absolute insolvency. 

On Lord Campbells t Lives of the Lord Chancellors? 

Lives of great men misinform us : 
Campbell's lives in this sublime, 

Errors ( 135 ) frightfully enormous, 
Misprints on the sands of time. 

The Round of Fashion. 

To beat their poor old Grandames' hoops 

Our modern dames endeavour : 
'T is the old rage again come round, 

And bigger round than ever ! 

IV. H. Draper. 

By an Old Bachelor. 

Most contradictory, past doubt, 
The sex, through thick and thin ; 

For now, though crinolines go out, 
The skirts are coming in ! 

Two of a Trade united. 

How fitly joined the lawyer and his wife ! 
He moves at bar, and she at home, the strife. 



By English Authors. 285 

On the Four Georges, Kings of England. 

George the First was always reckoned 
Vile— but viler George the Second ; 
And what mortal ever heard 
Any good of George the Third ? 
When from earth the Fourth descended, 
God be praised, the Georges ended. 

W. S. Lander, 

The Georges. George I. Star of Brunswick. 

He preferr'd Hanover to England, 
He preferr'd two hideous mistresses 
To a beautiful and innocent wife. 
He hated arts and despised literature ; 
But he liked train-oil in his salads, 
And gave an enlighten'd patronage to bad oysters. 
And he had Walpole as a minister ; 
Consistent in his preference for every kind of corruption. 

W. M. Thackeray. 

George II. 

In most things I did as my father had done, 

I was false to my wife, and I hated my son : 

My spending was small, and my avarice much, 

My kingdom was English, my heart was High- Dutch : 

At Dettingen fight I was known not to blench, 

I butcher'd the Scotch, and I bearded the French : 

I neither had morals, nor manners, nor wit ; 

I was n't much missed when I died in a fit. 

Here set up my statue, and make it complete, 

With Pitt on his knees at my dirty old feet. 

w. M. T. 



286 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



George III. 

Give me a royal niche — it is my due, 

The virtuosest king the realm e'er knew. 

I through a decent reputable life 

Was constant to plain food, and a plain wife, 

Ireland I risk'd, and lost America ; 

But dined on legs of mutton even- day. 

My brain, perhaps, might be a feeble part : 

But yet I think I had an English heart : 

When all the kings were prostrate, I alone 

Stood face to face against Napoleon. 

Nor ever could the ruthless Frenchman forge 

A fetter for old England and old George. 

I let loose flaming Nelson on his fleets ; 

I met his troops with Wellesley's bayonets. 

Triumphant waved my flag on land and sea : 

Where was the king in Europe like to me ? 

Monarchs, exiled, found shelter on my shores. 

My bounty rescued kings and emperors. 

But what boots victory by land and sea ? 

What boots that kings found refuge at my knee ? 

I was a conqueror, but yet not proud ; 

And careless, even though Napoleon bow'd. 

The rescued kings came kiss my garments' hem, 

The rescued kings I never heeded them. 

My guns roard triumph, but I never heard. 

All England thrilTd with joy, I never stirred . 

What care had I of pomp, or fame, or power, 

A crazy old blind man in Windsor tower ? 

IV. M. T. 



By English Authors. 287 



George IV. 

He left an example for Age and for Youth to avoid. 

He never acted well by man or woman, 

And was as false to his mistress as to his wife ; 

He deserted his friends and his principles. 

He was so ignorant that he could scarcely spell ; 

But he had some skill in cutting out coats, 

And an undeniable taste for cookery. 

He built the palaces of Brighton and of Buckingham, 

And for these qualities and proofs of genius, 

An admiring aristocracy 

Christened him ' The First Gentleman in Europe.' 

Friends, respect the king whose statue is here, 
And the generous aristocracy who admired him. 

IV. M. T. 

Mr. Thackeray, in a letter to the editor, called these 
Quasi-epigrams ; which originally appeared in the 
pages of our facetious contemporary 6 Punch/ to which 
for many years the distinguished English novelist, Mr. 
Thackeray, was a contributor. 



On the Improvements in London in George IV Is time. 

When viewing with exulting eyes 
Rome's marble glories round him rise, 
Augustus said : ' The world shall own 
I found thee brick and left thee stone.' 
Some princes can improve a city faster: 
They find it honest brick and leave it plaster. 



288 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



Impromptu by Mrs. Carey, on reading that Lord 
Exeter's horse, ' Progress,' refused to run against 
Mr. Worthy's i ScandaU 

Oh! surely this horse had more wit than his master, 

In thus wisely refusing to run : 
For we know by experience that Scandal flies faster 

Than any horse under the sun. 



On Dennis Collins throwing a Stone at William IV. 

When at the head of our most gracious king 
Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling, 
' Why choose/ with tears the injured monarch said, 
1 So hard a stone to break so soft a head ?' 



A Natural Conclusion. 

The lottery 's puffed its latest sigh, 
And kicked its latest prance ; 

Well, 't is no wonder that should die 
Which only lived by chance.^) 



The Miser and the Beggar. 

6 'T is in vain, my good man/ said a miser one day 

To a beggar who closely did press, 
* For I ? m sure if I give but a penny away, 

My pocket will be penny-less.' 



By E Authors. 



-fas. 

A brute thou art at best : but mad with wine, 
The rage of tigers is less fierce than thine ; 
Wine but displays the baseness of thy hea 
Not makes thee bad — but shows thee as thou art. 



Proxies. 

k By proxy I pray, and by proxy I vote,' 
A graceless peer said to a churchman of note ^ 
Who answered. ; My lord, then I ; 11 venture to say. 

You'll to heaven ascend in a similar wav, * 



On a Malignant Dull Poet, 

When a viper its venom has spit, it is said, 
That its fat heals the wound which its poison has made 
Thus it fares with the blockhead who ventures to write- 
His dulness an antidote proves to his spite. 



On a Dissatisfied Ill-tempered Man. 

restless, still chopping and changing about ; 

enlarging, rebuilding, and making a rout : 
Little Timothy, outre as it may appear, 
Pulls down, and builds up again, ten times a-year ; 
With this altering rage, poor dissatisfied elf. 
What a pity it is he don't alter himself. 
u 



290 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



A Conversatio7ial Epigram. 

Said Bluster to Whimple, * You juvenile fool, 

Get out of my way, do you hear ? ' 
Said Whimple, ' A fool did he say ? by that rule 

I 'm much in your way as I fear.' 



On the Column erected to the Duke of York's 
Memory. 

In former times the illustrious dead were burned, 
Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned : 
This column, then, commemorates the part 
Which custom makes us single out — the heart ; 
You ask, 'How by a column this is done ?' 
I answer, ' V is a hollow thing of stone? 

On a newly made Duke. 

Ask you why gold and velvet bind 
The temples of that cringing thief? 

Is it so strange a thing to find 
A toad beneath a strawberry leaf? 



On Bank-notes being tnad'e a Legal Tender.^) 

The privilege hard money to demand, 

It seems but fair the public should surrender ; 

For I confess I ne'er could understand, 
Why cash called hard should be a legal tender \ 



By English Authors. 291 



Malt-liquor, or cheap French Wine. 

Xo ale or beer, says Gladstone, we should drink, 
Because they stupefy and dull our brains. 

But sour French wine, as other people think, 
Our English stomachs often sorely pains. 

The question then is which we most should dread. 
An aching belly or an aching head ? 

J. H. C. Wright. 

By an Under -graduate of Cambridge plucked for the 
degree of B.A. by his Examiner, the Rev. T. Sh el ford. 

I have heard they pluck' d geese upon Shelford Fen. 
But never till now knew that Shelford pluck'd men. 

A Letter Wanting. 

Said vain Andrew Scalp, c My initials, I guess, 
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A. S.' 
Said Jerrold, ; I own you "re a reticent youth. 
For that's telling only two-thirds of the truth.' 

On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition. 

Haste, son of Celsus,( uo ) Perceval is ill ; 
Dissect an ass before you try your skill. 

The Poets to certain Critics. 

Say, why erroneous vent your spite ? 

Your censure, friends, will raise us ; 
If you do wish to damn us quite, 

Only begin to praise us. 



it)2 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



On hearing a Debate in the House of Commons. 

To wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak, 
Is there a night that asses do not speak ? 



Conservative Logic. 

' Taxes are equal is a dogma which 

111 prove at once/ exclaimed a Tory boor ; 

1 Taxation hardly presses on the rich, 
And likewise presses hardly on the poor.' 

Upon the late Duke of Buckingham^ moderate Reform 
Bill 

For Buckingham to hope to pit 

His bill against Lord Grey's is idle ! 

Reform, when offered bit by bit, 
Is but intended for a bridle. 

Blank Cartridge. 

On the Duel between Moore the Poet, and Jeffrey the i 
Editor of the Edinburgh Review. 

When Anacreon( 141 ) would fight, as the poets have said, 

A reverse he displayed in his vapour, 
For while all his poems were loaded with lead, 

His pistols were loaded with paper. 

For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank ; 

Such a salvo he should not abuse : 
For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank, 

Which is fired away at Reviews. 



By English Authors. 293 



Co nj uga I Patien ce. 

Sir Simon, as snoring he lay in his bed, 
Was awaked by the cry, ' Sir, your lady is dead.' 
He heard, and returning to slumber, quoth he, 
1 In the morn, when I wake, oh ! how grieved I shall 
be.' 



Proposed Valentine to a, Greek Professor of great 
Learning but rough Manners. 

Thou great descendant of the critic line, 

True lineal child of Bentley, Brunck, and Porson, 

Forgive my sending you this valentine — 
It is but coupling Valentine with Orson. 



On a Woman of Sixty years of age marrying a Lad 
of Seventeen. 

Hard is the fate of ev'ry childless wife, 
The thoughts of wedlock tantalise her life. 
Troth, aged bride, by thee 't was wisely done ; 
To choose a child and husband both in one. 



Brotherly Kindness. 

Sir Hector brags he's rich and great, 
And lives upon his own estate ; 
But he permits his younger brothers 
To live upon th' estates of others. 



294 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

The False Looking-glass. 

In a false glass Joe loves himself to spy ; 
If J t were a true one, he the glass would fly. 

On Marriage. 

Thanks, my good friend, for your advice, 
But marriage is a thing so nice, 
That he who means to take a wife 
Had better think on \ all his life. 

A ttributcd to Lord Palmerston. 

On an Album. 

An Album ! prithee what is it ? 

A book like this I 'm shown, 
Kept to be fhTd with others' wit 

By people who have none. 

The World. 

This world is the best we live in, 

To lend, or to spend, or to give in : 

But to beg, or to borrow, or get a man's own, 

; T is the very worst world, Sir, that ever was known. 

Self-Knowledge. 

Fitz to the peerage knows he 's a disgrace ; 
So mounts the coach-box as his proper place. 






By English Authors. 295 



On Hunt's Attack upon the late Lord Camden, who 
held several Sinecures. 

Camden gives up a part with wondrous pain. 
The whole unable longer to retain : 
So the fat Beaver, when by Huntsmen press'd, 
Bites off his tail to save the rest. 

An officer in a ball-room having refused to dance 
because he did not, as he said, see a handsome woman 
in the room, caused one of the ladies to write as 
follows : 

The Compliment returned. 

i So, Sir, you rashly vow and swear, 
You '11 dance with none that are not fair ; 
Suppose we women should dispense 
Our hands to none but men of sense ?' 
* Suppose ! well, madam, pray what then ? ' 
; Why Sir, You W never dance again.' 

Ma7iy Roads to Heavoi. 

I think that friars and their hoods, 
Their doctrines, and their maggots, 

Have lighted up too many feuds 
And far too many faggots. 

I think while bigots storm and frown, 

And fight for two or seven, 
That there are fifty roads to town, 

And rather more to heaven. 

M. Praed. 



:g6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On a Globe of the World. 

Try ere you purchase ; hear the bauble ring ; 
; T is all a cheat, a hollow, empty thing. 



All Merfs Idolatry. 

Various religions various tenets hold, 

But all one gcd acknowledge — namely, gold. 

For Trades' Unionists. 

What is a Unionist ? one who has yearnings 
For an equal division of unequal earnings ; 
Idler or bungler or both, he is willing 
To fork out his penny and pocket your shilling. 

Ed. Elliot, the Corn-Law Rhymer. 

On Twiiting, the Teaman. 

It seems as if Nature had curiously planned 
That men's names with their trades should agree ; 

There J s Twining the Teaman, who lives in the Strand, 
Would be whining, if robb'd of his T. 

The Creed of Poverty. 

In politics if thou wouldst mix, 

And mean thy fortunes be, 
Bear this in mind, be deaf and blind, 

Let great folks hear and see. 



By English Authors. 297 



A tutor of Jesus College, Cambridge, named Sheep- 
shanks, posted a notice in the college hall of his 
intention to lecture on the Tenth Satire of Juvenal ; 
but the word Satire having been spelt Satyr, caused a 
wag to write underneath the following : 

The Satyrs of old were Satyrs of note, 

They ; d the head of a man but the shanks of a goat ; 

The Satires of Jesus all Satires surpass, 

They Ve the shanks of a sheep but the head of an ass. 

Wedgwood. 

On Charles Dickens, the eminent Author of the i Pick- 
wick Papers, 7 and whose first Work was i Sketches 
by Boz,' 

Who the dickens Boz could be, 

Puzzled many a learned elf ; 
Till time unveiled the mystery, 

And Boz appeared as Dickens 7 self, 

Distich of an Italian Poet in honour of Lord Ex- 
mouth's Victory of A Igiers ( 1 8 1 7). 

Exmouth, en venit, vicit ; sed Caesar major : 
Nam non imposuit, sustulit ille jugum. 

Thus rendered : 

1 I came, I conquered : ; may brave Exmouth say ; 
And, more than Caesar, bear the palm away : 
He but imposed the yoke ; but Exmouth's sword 
Broke it in twain. Give praise unto the Lord. 

Lord Chancellor Tkurlow. 



298 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



A Dialogue. Lycidas to Prudentia. 

Descend, fair Stoic, from thy flights ; 

From Nature learn to know 
Our passions are the needful weights 

That make our virtues go. 



Pricdentia to Lycidas. 

True, Lycidas : but think not so 

Another truth to shun ; 
Our passions make our virtues go, 

But make our vices run. 

A rchdeacon Blackburne. 



On Mr. Hog^s Promise to give a Pair of Breeches from 
his own Sheep. 

Friend Hog once promised me a pair of breeches, 
Wove from the fleecy flocks that swell his riches. 
I trusted him, forgetting, like a fool, 
That Hogs afford much cry, but little wool. 

Lord Xcavcs. 



Bishop Blomfields first Charge to his Clergy poetised. 

Hunt not, fish not, shoot not, 
Dance not, fiddle not, flute not ; 



By English Authors. 299 



Be sure you have nothing to do with the Whigs, 
But stay at home, and feed your pigs ; 
And, above all, I make it my special desire, 
That, at least once a week, you dine with the squire. 

Sydney Smith. 

{ The witty Canon of St. Paul's thus versified the 
first charge of Blomfield Bishop of London ; and 
through the rest of his life Smith hung upon his 
lordship's flanks with jests and raillery for his abom- 
inable doings as one of the Ecclesiastical Commis- 
sioners.' On Blomfield's being preferred to the 
bishopric of Chester, one of the boys of the Grammar 
School of his native town of Bury wrote the following 
epigram : 

Through Chester-ford to Bishop's-gate 

Did Blomfield safely wade ; 
Then leaving ford and gate behind, 

He 's Chester's bishop made. 

His lordship, the son of a schoolmaster of Bury St. 
Edmunds, had held the livings of Great and Little 
Chesterford and St. Botolph's. Bishopsgate. As a 
scholar he was eminent, and edited, with commen- 
taries, an edition of the Tragedies of ^Eschylus. It 
seems uncertain which of the two, Blomfield, Bishop 
of London, or Phillpotts, Bishop of Exeter, Bulwer 
in his novel of Alice had his eye upon when he said : 
'The three orthodox qualifications for a mitre are, 
editing a Greek play, writing a political pamphlet, and 
apostatizing at the proper moment.' 



3oo Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



To a Corpulent Lady past her P7ime. 

You ask me, your servant, to give you in rhyme, 
Some apt definitions of space and of time j 
If your ladyship looks at your rear and your face, 
You ; 11 gain excellent notions of time and of space. 

Col. Napier, failier of Generals C. and Win. Napier. 

Tlie Doctor's Coat of Arms. 

A doctor who, for want of skill, 

Did sometimes cure, and sometimes kill, 

Contrived at length, by many a puff, 

And many a bottle fuTd with stuff, 

To raise his fortune and his pride ; 

And in a coach, forsooth, must ride. 

His family coat, long since worn out, 

What arms to take was all the doubt. 

A friend, consulted on the case, 

Thus answered with a sly grimace : 

' Take some device in your own way, 

Neither too solemn nor too gay ; 

Three ducks suppose : white, grey, or black ; 

And let your motto be Quack ! Quack ! 9 

The following epigram, if not written by Tom 
Moore, the poet, was related by him at a literary 
soiree at Lady Blessington's. Sir R. Peel challenged 
the Irish Agitator, O'Connell. This was before the 
latter made his vow against duelling. He was to have 
followed Peel to Dover and thence to France, where 
they were to meet. O'Connell, however, pleaded his 



By English Authors. 301 

wife's illness, and delayed till the law interfered. About 
the same time some Irish patriot refused a challenge 
on account of the illness of his daughter, so the 
epigram ran : 

Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter, 
Improved on the Scripture command ; 

One honour'd his wife, and the other his daughter, 
That their days might be long in the land. 



' An event occurred in November 1829, which gave 
rise to many epigrams. Sir Francis Chantrey, the 
eminent sculptor, being on a visit at Mr. Coke's (Earl 
of Leicester) of Holkham, had the good fortune, when 
making one of a shooting party, to kill two woodcocks 
at one shot. This fact, too, was all the more remark- 
able as it was performed with the use of one eye only, 
for upon his own authority we have it that he was 
blind of the other from his birth. If truth, however, 
must be told, this piece of success seems to have been 
more owing to good luck than good management ; 
seeing that, as he himself candidly acknowledged, at 
the moment of firing " he saw not the two cocks which 
it brought down, but only the further one of the couple, 
the other having risen into the line of fire just as he 
pulled the trigger." The woodcocks, thus marvellously 
slain, Chantrey with his chisel, and a legion of his 
poetical friends with their pens, would not willingly let 
die. He sculptured the birds in marble ; and to this 
day they are to be seen represented on their monu- 
ment at Holkham " with the utmost beauty, truth, and 
tenderness, at the moment and in the attitude of their 



302 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

unlooked-for-death. ; ' Inasmuch, too, as the tasteful 
Ovid erst sang the dirge of Corinna's parrot, Catullus 
mourned the fate of Lesbia's sparrow in beauteous 
verse, our own Marvel, Gray, Cowper, Grenville, Rogers, 
and other bards, had condescended to elegise or eulo- 
gise birds, beasts, and fishes of various kinds ; and 
Hogarth, the late Duchess of York, and Lord Byron, 
did not disdain to duly entomb and epitaph their 
departed canine friends, there was no lack of prece- 
dents to justify the poets of the day in contributing 
their share with the mighty sculptor towards raising 
his woodcocks to immortality.' The Editor gives a 
few of these jeux-d'esprits, taken from that excellent 
little work, Winged Words on Chantrefs Woodcocks, 
edited by the Rev. J, P. Muirhead, and published by 
Mr. Murray. 



Life in death, a mystic lot 

Dealt thou to the winged band ; 

Death — from thine unerring shot, 
Life — from thine undying hand. 

Bishop of Oxford. 
2 

Their good and ill from the same source they drew, 
Here shrined in marble by the hand that slew. 

Lord Jeffrey. 

3 

The same skill'd hand that took their lives on high, 

Here on this marble, bids them never die. 

Lord y. 



By English Authors. 303 

4 

The life the Sportsman-artist took, 
The Artist-sportsman could restore ; 

As true and warm in every look, 
And far more lasting than before. 

Lord J. 

5 

Driven from the North that would have starved them, 
This was the way that Chantrey sarVd them, 
He shot them first, and then he carv'd them. 

Hudson Gurney. 

6 

The carver's knife in vain their limbs shall sever, 
In Chan trey's marble they unite for ever. 

P. R. Duncan. 



Not cypress bring, nor bays, but green shamrocks, 
Nor let th' Hybernian lay provoke thy mocks, 
Which sings how dead we live, too stone wood-cocks. 

M. P. Bonlton. 



With gun or chisel thou art doubly clever, 
Chantrey ! Thy twins in death are twins for ever. 

M. P. B. 

9 

Chantrey invented the best of gun-locks, 

Which cocks one hammer, and hammers two cocks. 

J. P. Muirhead. 



304 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



Amaz'd I view the consecrated spot 
Where Chantrey kill'd two woodcocks at a shot : 
For yonder, lo ! his breathing victims are, 
More deathless than in life, and lovelier far. 

j. P i 

IT 

He hit the birds, and with an aim as true, 
And hand as skilful, hit their likeness too ! 

J. p. :-i. 
12 

Ye woodcocks that from Chantrey flew away, 
That day you liv'd, to die another day ; 
More blest the pair, at once by Chantrey slain ! 
That day you died, one day to live again. 

Editor of Gent. Magazine. 

Long may this spotless marble tell. 
When Chantrey fired, two woodcocks fell ; 

They met their doom together ; 
But now by his transcendent art, 
Into new life he bids them start, 

And makes them live for ever. 

Hon. Frederick A?isan. 
14 

Shall Chantrey be called a destroyer or not ? 
He slaughters indeed his two birds at one shot : 
But pitying his victims, with gen'rous endeavour, 
To make more than amends, by his chisel so clever, 
He revives them to live on in marble for ever. 

A rckdeacon Wrangha m. 



By English Authors. 305 



The Rule of the Road. 

The rule of the road is a paradox quite, 

Both in riding and driving along ; 
If you go to the left you are sure to go right, 

If you go to the right you go wrong : 

But in walking the streets, 7 i is a different case, 
To the right it is right you should bear, 

To the left should be left quite enough of free space 
For the persons you chance to meet there. 

To a Feather in a Lady's Hat. 

If Lucy but wear it, a feather's a charm : 
Ah ! who can be safe if a feather can harm ? 
Fly, youth, from this beauty, whoever thou art. 
And, warnd by the feather, beware of the dart. 

On a Gaming-house. 

To this dark cave three gates pertain — 
Hope, Infamy, and Death, we know : 

7 T is by the first you entrance gain, 
Bv the last two alone you sro. 



Prosperity and Adversity. 

When fortune smiles and looks serene, 
; T is ' Pray, Sir, how d' ye do ? 

Your family are well, I hope, 
Can I serve them or you ? ' 
x 



306 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 

But if, perchance, her scale should turn, 
And with it change your plight, 

'T is then, < 1 'm sorry for your fate, 
But times are hard — good night.' 

On a Dog-collar. 

Latrans excepi hires ; et mutus amantes : 
Sic placui Domino ; sic placui Dominae. 

Thus translated : 

At thieves I bark ; at lovers wag my tail ! 
And thus I please both Lord and Lady Thrale. 



Written during Lord Melbourne's Administration 

(1834)- 

In olden times one fool was kept at court, 
And thought sufficient for the royal sport ; 
But in Victoria's days we 've seen of late 
A fool in every office of the state ; 
And so for state affairs being quite unfit, 
Their wives and sisters in the counsel sit 

Brag and Grab. 

The initials of Brougham, Russell, Althorp, and Grey, 
If rightly disposed, the word Brag will display ; 
Transpose them, and Grab will appear to the view ; 
Which hints at what many assert to be true — 
That they, like former statesmen, still follow the plan, 
First to brag what they '11 do, and then grab all they 



By English Authors. 307 



Whiggish Presumption^ or the Days of the Bedchamber 
Plot (1839). 

• The Queen is with us, 3 Whigs exulting say, 
• For when she found us in she let us stay.' 
It may be so ; but give me leave to doubt. 

How long she'll keep you when she finds you out. 

Of Two Welshmen. 

Two squires of Wales arrived at a town. 
To seek their lodging when the sun was down ; 
And (for the innkeeper his gates had locked) 
In haste, like men of some account, they knocked. 
The drowsy chamberlain doth ask who ; s there ? 
They told, that gentlemen of Wales they were. 
' How many." quoth the man. * are there of you ? ' 
They said, • Here's John ap Rees, ap Rise, ap Hew ; 
And Nicholas ap Giles, ap Stephen, ap Davy : ' 
'Then, gentlemen, adieu," quoth he. • God save ye. 
Your worships might have had a bed or twain. 
But how can that suffice so great a train ? ' 

On the Death of Dr. mQ^)j from Bentlefs 

Miscellany. 

1 What 's the news ? ' • Why, they say death has killed 
Dr. Morrison. 3 

4 The pill-maker ? ' : Yes. ; ' Then death will be sorry 
soon.' 

Our bodies are like shoes, which off we cast : 
Physic their cobbler is, and death the last, 



30 8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On the long Speeches of the French Deputies about 
the Liberty of the Press. 

The French enjoy freedom, they say ; 

And where is the man who can doubt it ? 
For they have, it is clear, every day 

The freedom of talking about it. 

Hitting the right Nail on the Head. 

The Whigs resemble nails. How so, my master ? 
Because, like nails, when beat, they hold the faster. 



On entering by mistake a Ladfs Room while she was 
at her Toilet. 

Thus unadorned — was no new charm revealed ? 

No blemish undisguised ? 
Oh fool ! can Beauty ever be concealed, 

Or Innocence surprised ? 



Parody on 46th Ode of Anacreon. 

XAAEriO'N to fir) (piXijaai, 
etc. 

Hard, ye critics, 'tis to print, 
Hard one's hopes of praise to stint ; 
But to print, and lie on stall — 
Critics, this is worse than all. 

B. N. Turner. 



By English Authors. 309 



New-made Honour. {Imitated from Martial.) 

A friend I met, some half hour since—- 

* Good morrow, Jack ! ' quoth I ; 
The new-made knight, like any prince 

Frown'd, nodded, and pass'd by : 
When up came J em — * Sir John, your slave ! ' 

' Ah ! James ; we dine at eight — 
Fail not ' — (low bows the supple knave) 

' Don't make my lady wait.' 
The king can do no wrong ? As I'm a sinner, 

He 's spoilt an honest tradesman, and my dinner. 

Rev. R. H. Barham, Author of the Ingoldsby Legends ', &*c. 

When ask'd by Allen t ? other day, 

What fish I fain would face, 
1 Turbot,' I said, l was my delight,' 

But Allen swore t' was plaice. 

T. W. Croker. 

V 

Which Men are preferable f 

Whether tall men, or short men, are best, 
Or bold men, or modest and shy men, 

I can't say, but I this can protest, 
All the fair are in favour of Hy-men % 

A Wonder to be wondered at. 

Sylvia makes sad complaints, ' She 's lost her lover.' 
W T ell, nothing strange can I in this discover : 

Nay, then thou'rt dull— for here the wonder lies, 
She had a lover once — don't that surprise ? 



310 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On the Marriage of a Lady named Little, who was 
remarkably short of Stature. 

Thrice happy Tom — I think him so ; 

For mark the poet's song, 
' Man wants but little here below, 

Nor wants that little long.' 



From The Green Book [Dublin, J. Duffy, 1845). 

I 

When I meet Tom, the purse-proud and impudent 
blockhead, 

In his person the poets' three ages I trace : 
For the gold and the silver unite in his pocket, 

And the brazen is easily seen in his face. 



On Two Pretty Girls. 

1 How happy could I be with either/ was said 

By Macheath to his wives in the play ; 
But were two such charmers as you in their stead, 
He could not wish either away. 

Oh ! no, until death with such angels he'd grapple : 

They both are so temptingly fair ; 
That, as Adam lost Heaven by eating an apple, 

I 'd forfeit my chance for a pair. 



By English Authors. 311 



Composed when the great Soyer went to join his august 
Fellow-artists in Elysium. 

Soyer is gone ! Then be it said, 
Indeed, indeed, great Pan is dead. 

From the Mirror. 

The Power of Gold. 

Gold is so ductile, learned chymists say, 
That half an ounce will stretch a wondrous way ; 
The metal ; s base, or else the chymists err, 
For now-a-days our sovereigns won't go far. 

To the Gasmakers.( li3 ) 

Our morals as well as appearance must show 
What praise to your labours and science we owe. 
Our streets and our manners you 've equally brightened, 
Our city 's less wick-ed, and much more enlighten W. 

On a Bankrupt lately turned Preacher. 

No more by creditors perplexed, 
Or ruin'd tradesmen's angry din ; 

He boldly preaches from the text, 
' A stranger, and / took him in? 

The Railway of Life. 

Short was the passage through this earthly vale, 
By turnpike roads when mortals used to wend ; 
But now we travel by way of the rail,( 144 ) 
As soon again we reach the journey's end. 



312 Epigrams^ Ancient and Modern. 



On seeing a Pompous Funeral for a Bad Husband. 

' Why for your spouse this pompous fuss, 
Was he not all his life your curse ; 

Did he not teaze, and scold, and fight, 
And plague you morning, noon, and night ? ' 

1 True, but at length one single action 
Made up for each past malefaction.' 

' Indeed ! what was this action, pray ? ' 
' Why, Sir, it was— he died one day.' 

Jupiter Avians. Dedicated to Victor Hugo. 

' Le Petit ' call not him who by one act 

Has turn'd old fable into modern fact. 

Nap Louis courted Europe : Europe shied ; 

The imperial purple was too newly dyed. 

; I '11 have her though/ thought he, l by rape or rapine ; 

Jove nods sometimes, but catch a Nap a napping ! 

And now I think of Jove, 't was Jove's own fix, 

And so I '11 borrow one of Jove's own tricks. 

Old itching Palm I '11 tickle with a joke, 

And he shall lend me England's decent cloak/ 

'Twas said and done, and his success was full ; 

He won Europa with the guise of Bull. 

From ' The Leader.'' 

On an ugly Woman sitting for a Daguerreotype.^) 

Here Nature in her glass — the wanton elf, 
Sits, gravely making faces at herself ; 
And while she scans each clumsy feature o'er, 
Repeats the blunders that she made before. 



By English Authors. 313 



Inscription written by Lord Holland, and still to be 
seen in a Summer-house in the Grounds of Holland 
House j in which Rogers, author of ' Pleasures of 
Memory] i Italy] and other Poems, often rested. 

Here Rogers sat, and here for ever dwell, 
To me, those Pleasures that he sings so well. 

On the closed Establishments of Moses and Son, the 
Tailors. 

Half Hebrew, half English, the slopseller Moses 
Cries clones all the week, but on Saturday closes. 

R. Simpson* 

The best Ape7 r ient. 

i What is the best aperient, Doctor, please ?' 
' The best aperient ? — a bunch of keys.' 

R, Simpson. 

The law allows one husband to one wife, 
But wives will seldom brook this straitened life ; 
They must have two : besides her Jack, each Jill, 
In spite of law and gospel, weds her will. 

R. Simpson. 

On a Bad Semionfrom the Text : c Watch and pray, 
lest ye enter into temptation? 

When each points out a different way, 

What medium shall we keep ? 
The text invites to watch and pray, 

The priest himself, to sleep. 

T. R ussell. 



3 1 4 Epigrams, Anciait and Modern. 



Written in the Waiting-room at the Secretary of 
State's Office. 

In sore afflictions sent by God's commands, 
In patience Job the great example stands ; 
But in these days a trial more sever© « 
Had been Job's lot, if God had sent him here. 

The Mystery of Mysteries. 

Nix, Glacies, et Aqua ; tria Nomina, Res tamen una : 
Sic in personis trinus Deus, et tamen unus. 

Thus rendered : 

Snow, Ice, and Water ; one, yet three in name : 
Father, Son, Spirit, three, yet each the same. 

E. L. S.from ' X. and Q? 

On a Classic Controversy. 

Nay, marvel not to see these scholars fight, 
In brave disdain of certain scathe and scar ; 

'T is but the genuine, old Hellenic spite : — 

' When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of 
war.' 

Saxe. 

What is God? 

How God exists attempt not to explore, 
In awful silence the Supreme adore : 
The mystery immense confounds the brain, 
Himself alone his nature can explain. 



By English Authors. 315 



A Choker for Church-rate Abolition. 

' Where 's Church-rate repeal ? ' Trelawny may cry: 
Alas ! 't is hung up in last Wednesday's tie.( 146 ) 



On a Distinguished Officer declining the Honorary 
Degree of D. C. L. on account of the Heavy Fees at 
that time demanded. 

Oxford, no doubt you wish me well, 

But, prithee let me be : 
I can't alas ! be D.C.L, 

Because of L.S.D. 

Rev. H.L. Manse II. 



On a D. C. L. Degree being given to a Gentleman on the 
strength of two not very brilliant Essays. 

A doctor's degree we are told to convey 

To an A double S for a double S A. 

h. l. m. 



On Oxford Fees. ^) 

When i Alma Mater ' her kind heart enlarges, 
Charges her graduates, graduates her charges ; 
What safer rule could guide the accountant's pen 
Than that of doubling fees for Dublin men ? 

H, L. M. 



3 1 6 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



It was suggested some little time ago, to alter the 
cut of the Commoners' Gowns — proverbially ugly. 
This produced the following : 

Our gownsmen complain ugly garments oppress them; 
We feel for their wrongs, and propose tore-dress them. 

H. L. M. 

On a Proposal to lower the University Charges upon 
Degrees conferred by 6 Accumulation] i.e. when two 
steps are taken at once. 

Oxford, beware of over-cheap degrees, 
Nor lower too much accumulators' fees ; 
Lest — unlike Goldsmith's i land to ills a prey,' 
Men should accumulate, and ' wealth decay.' 

H. L. M. 

On Lord W. Lennox, author of a Novel called the 
' Tuft-hunter.^ 4 *) 

A duke( 149 ) once declared — and most solemnly too — 
That whatever he liked with his own he would do ; 
But the son of a duke has still farther gone, 
He will do what he likes with what is n't his own. 



The Lying Coward. 

Quoth gallant Fritz, ' I ran away 
To fight again another day.' 
The meaning of his speech is plain : 
He only fled to fly again. 



By English Authors. 317 



Sydney Smith's Advice when the Dean and Canons 
of St. Paul's complained of the Delay infixing the 
Wood Pavement.^) 

Why fret and frit your time away, 
Grumbling about this wooden way ? 
Just put your heads together, friends, 
And in a trice we Ve means to ends. 

Rev. J. C. Napleton. 



Tom Tick could scarce a shop pass by, 
Without an earnest wish to buy 

A ring, seal, watch, or costly raiment ; 
And so polite was Tom to those 
Who 'd sell him trinkets, jewels, clothes, 

That he liked everything but — pay7nent. 



On the Exectition of a Malefactor whose Name was 
Vowell. 

1 Vowell ! ' quoth Ned, with sigh profound, 

1 The forfeit now is paid ; 
Thy num'rous crimes have justice found, 

Though justice was delay'd. 7 

' True, 7 says his friend, i but cease, I pray, 

Suppress at once your sigh, 
Since, thank our stars, no one can say, 

5 T is either U or i: 



3i 8 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



The Lap dog and his Mistress. 

That Dorilis thus, on her lap as he lies, 

Should kiss little Pompey, excites no surprise ; 

But the lapdog, whom thus she keeps fondling and 

praising, 
Licks her face in return — that I own is amazing. 

The Deceptive Beauty. 

Cosmelia's charms inspire my lays, 

Who fair in nature's scorn, 
Blooms in the winter of her days, 

Like Glastonbury thorn. 

If e'er, to seize the tempting bliss, 

Upon her lips you fall, 
The plastered fair returns the kiss, 

Like Thisbe, through a wall. 

W. L, Collins. 

The following couplet was addressed to a clergyman, 
who used to preach Archdeacon Hare's sermons : 

Ne vendas lepores alienos, prome leporem 
Nativum : melior syllaba longa brevi. 

Thus rendered : 

i 

Don't rob the Archdeacon, friend, give us instead 
A little less Hare and a little more head. 

W. H. Draper. 



By E?iglish Authors. 319 



He sells us his Hares, and small credit he gains ; 
Let him lengthen the letter, and give us his brains. 

H. T. Hill. 

The Coxcomb. 

To determine the cut of a coat 
He is known to excel — after that 

He never indulges a thought, 
Save how he shall tie his cravat. 

There 's nothing beyond to expect 
From such a fair-form-loving elf. 

Who causes his glass to reflect, 
Though void of reflection himself. 



Very like a Whale. 

The first of all the royal infant males 
Should take the title of the Prince of Wales ; 
Because ? t is clear to seamen and to lubber, 
Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber. 



On the Pun n 

Why a pun to define do you make so much pother ? 
'T is but to say one thing, while meaning another : 
And the truth of this axiom, the way to decide is, 
By remembering its origin — ' Pzmica fides.' 

From ' I\ T ofcs arid Queries. 



320 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



On McAdam the Roadmaker.{} bl ) 

k My essay on Roads,' quoth McAdam, lies here, 
The result of a life's lucubration ; 
But does not the title-page look rather bare ? 
I long for a Latin quotation.' 

A Delphin edition of Virgil stood nigh, 

To second his classic desire; 
When the roadmaker hit on the Shepherd's reply, 

c Miror magis,' I rather 2udd mire. 

From ' Notes and Queries. ' 



On Pio Nono a?id Cardinal Wiseman. Papal- 
Aggression . ( 152 ) 

Cum Sapiente Pius nostras juravit in aras : 
Impius, heu ! Sapiens, desipiensque Pius. 

Dr. Scott. 

Thus translated : 

I 

Pius with Wiseman England's Church defies ; 
Thou impious Wiseman ! Pius thou unwise ! 



A Wiseman and a Pius plots against our Church 

devise : 
Ah, Wiseman, be more pious ! Ah, Pius, be more wise. 

W. H. Draper. 



By English Authors. 321 



3 

Wiseman and Pius our altars fair attacked ; 
Wiseman the piety, the wisdom Pius lacked. 

% C. Napleton. 

On our imitating the French. 

The formal ape endeavours, all he can, 
With antic tricks to imitate a man : 
Parisian fops no less ambitious seem 
To have a face, an air, a tail like them. 
From whom our taste thus only disagrees, 
These mimic apes — and we but mimic these. 



Commercial. 

A little stealing is a dangerous part, 

But stealing largely is a noble art : 

'T is mean to rob a henroost, or a hen, 

But stealing thousands makes us gentlemen. 



The Coach Load, or Pluralities. 

On one side a Canon of Exeter sat, 
On the other a Christ Church Canonical hat, 
A Prebend of York in one corner repos'd 
On the other the Vicar of Staverton doz'd : 
You 11 imagine from this the coach was quite full ; 
There was only one personage— Dr. John Bull.( 15S ) 
Y 



322 Epigrams, Ancient and Modem. 



On the Telegraphic Wire cofinecting England and 
America.^ 4 ) 

John Bull and Brother Jonathan 

Each other ought to greet ; 
They Ve always been extravagant, 

But now ' make both ends meet.' 



From the Seat of War.( 155 ) 

Gaeta's defenders, 't would seem, have a turn 
For the tailoring craft ; for from Reuter we learn 
That as soon as the news of an armistice them reaches, 
They all set to work, sirs, repairing their breaches. 



On the l Saturday Review] overheard in the Street. 

' What ails thee, friend, you look so wondrous triste, 
Like Snarly Yow,^ 156 ) or some such ugly beast ? ' 
1 I Ve got the devils — orange, green, and blue : 
I feel just like — the Saturday Review.' 



On the I resurrection in Poland (1863). 

J T was the Russian's conscription, the papers declare, 

Made the nation fling off his control ; 
So it is not the pole that has stirred up the bear, 

But the bear who has stirred up the Pole. 



By English Authors. 323 



Matrimonial Caution. 

A scholar was about to marry. 

His friend said, ' Ere thou dost be wary ; 

So wise art thou that I foresee 

A wife will make a fool of thee.' 

W. S. Landor. 

A Domestic Ruler. 

Outrageous hourly with his wife is Peter, 
Some do aver that he has been known to beat her. 
1 She seems unhappy/ said a friend one day : 
Peter turn'd sharply : ' What is that you say ? 
Her temper you have there misunderstood, 
She dares not be unhappy if she would. 7 

IV. S. Landor. 



The latest production of the Pasquinesque kind is 
the following by a well-known Queen's Counsel : 

Rome. 

A Gallis Romam servaverat anser ;( 157 ) ab ipsis 
Romanis Romam Gallica servat avis. 

Thus translated: 

Of old was Rome from Gallic thrall 

Saved by a goose, they say ; 
From Rome's own sons the bird of Gaul( 15S ) 

Saves Rome in modern day. 

W. H. Draper. 



324 Epigrams, Ancient and Modern. 



A Late Repentance. 

Pravus, that aged debauchee, 

Proclaim'd a vow his sins to quit ; 

But is he yet from any free, 
Except what now he canH commit ? 



A Contrast. 

i Tell me/ said Laura, c what may be 

The difference 'twixt a clock and me.' 

' Laura,' I cried, ' Love prompts my powers 

To do the task you Ve set them : 
A clock reminds us of the hours ; 

You cause us to forget them.' 



To a Mr. Wellwood who exaggerated. 

You double each story you tell ; 

You double each sight that you see : 
Your name 's W, E, double L, 

W, double O, D. 



Double Vision Utilised. 

An incipient toper was checked t' other day 
In his downward career in a rather strange way. 
The effect of indulgence, he found to his trouble, 
Was, that after two bottles, he came to see double ; 



By English Authors. 



When with staggering steps to his home he betook 

him, 
He saw always faOo wives sitting up to rebuke him. 
One wife in her wrath makes a pretty strong case ; 
But a couple thus scolding, what courage could face ? 



G alius cant at. 

At Trent's famed Council, when on Reason's side, 
A Frenchman's voice assailed the Pontiff's pride, 
Some Romish priest, the Gallic name to mock, 
Exclaimed : ' 'T is but the crowing of a cock ! ' 
c So call it. ? 't was replied ; ' we re well content, 
If when the cock crows, Peter would repent.' 

Whether, at the present time, Peter (Pio Nono) ad 
Galli cantum, will repent of his late Encyclical Letter, 
or of any of his other errors, is a question which time 
onlv will determine. 



On a vehement D is ens si on at Oxford, about inserting 
the word ' all ' in a Petition against the Abolition of 
Church Rates. 

When tottering rates in fierce debates 

Are placed upon their trial, 
Will one word all arrest their fall ? 

WiH your <?// vanquish Jfiall :( lb9 ) 



Epigrams, Ancient and Modern, 



Mock Epitaph on the Cheltenham Waters. 

Here lie I and my three daughters, 
All from drinking the Cheltenham waters. 
While if we had kept to the Epsom salts, 
We should not be now in these here vaults. 



Coalition Extraordinary. 

On Lord Palmerston and the Earl of Derby being 
confined at the same time of the Gout (1865) 

The Premier m 9 the Premier out, 
Are laid up both with pedal gout, 

And no place can they go to ; 
Hence it ensues, that though of old 
Their differences were manifold, 

They now agree in toto. 

7 P- 



Perhaps it may be deemed allowable to append to 
a collection of Epigrams the following witty poem 
of Goldsmith, every verse of which may be said to be 
epigrammatic : 

On Madam Blaise, the glory of her sex. 

Good people all, with one accord, 

Lament for Madam Blaize, 
Who never wanted a good word — 

From those who spoke her praise. 



By English Atithors. 



5'i 



The needy seldom pass'd her door, 
And always found her kind ; 

She freely lent to all the poor — 
Who left a pledge behind. 

She strove the neighbourhood to please 
With manners wondrous winning ; 

And never followed wicked ways — 
Unless when she was sinning. 

At church, with silks and satins new, 
With hoop of monstrous size ; 

She never slumbei^d in her pew — 
But when she shut her eyes. 

Her love was sought, I do aver, 

By twenty beaux and more ; 
The king himself has followed her — 

When she has walk'd before. 

But now, her wealth and finery fled, 
Her hangers-on cut short all : 

The doctors found, when she was dead, 
Her last disorder — mortal. 






Let us lament in sorrow sore ; 

For Kent Street well may say, 
That, had she lived a twelvemonth more, 

She had not died to-dav. 



NOTES. 



NOTES. 



[*] Jacob's edition of the Greek Anthology is founded upon Brunck's, 
but is much, superior, and ranks as the standard edition of the Greek 
AyitJwlogy. It is in 13 volumes 8vo, published at Leipsic, 1795-1814, 
After the restoration of the manuscript of the Palatine Anthology to the 
University of Heidelburg, Jacobs published a separate edition of the 
Palatine Aiithology, Leipsic, 1813-1817, 4 vols. 8vo. — See Art. Planicdes 
in Dr. Smith's Classical Dictionary. 

The edition used for these translated epigrams is the latter ^1813-1817). 

( 2 ) So also is Lord Byron's distich : 

Die, as thou must ; and as thou rott'st away 
E'en worms shall perish on thy poisonous clay. 
According to the virulent epigram of the ancients, the Cappadocians 
were addicted to every vice. In conjunction with the Cilicians and 
Cretans they came in again for a share of another unenviable distinction, 
being one of the people intended by iSiaKaTr-a KaKiara. 

3 j Mead, it is well known by the medical profession, was famous in his 
day for his knowledge, skill, and success in curing his patients. His 
works, On Poisons, Discourse concerning the Plague, On the Scurzy, 
and Medicina Sacra, very popular at the time, were translated into 
German, French, and Italian. He was F. R. S., physician to George II., 
and the intimate friend of Boerhaave, whose life was written by Dr. S. 
Johnson. 

(*) Cato, it is said, exercised the functions of his office with a stringency 
which passed into a proverb, but which the above satirical epigram shows 
made him many a bitter enemy. 

( 3 ) Planudes ascribed this epigram to Lucillius, and Horace, in his 2nd 
book of Satires, 2nd Sat., v. 129 to 134, seems to have made use of it. 

( 6 ) This said by a servant to his master, who set much store by a vine 
from which he expected excellent wine. Before he could taste it a boar 



iv Notes. 

broke into his vineyard, and, on his attempting to drive it out, turned 
upon him and killed him. The adage teaches us ' not to be too sanguine 
of success,' and ' to take time by the forelock.' Its Latin form is, 

Multa cadunt inter calicem, supremaque labra : 
and its French, 

Entre la bouche et le verre 

Le vin souvent tombe a terre. 
— See Blanks Proverbs. The original has been ascribed to Palladas, 
but wrongly, for it is praised by writers long before his time. — See p. 577 
of Major Macgregors most valuable and excellent translation of the 
Greek Anthology. 

There were, according to Dr. Smith [Classical Dictionary, Biography 
&c.) two celebrated Grecian courtezans of this name : — 1. The elder a 
native of Corinth, who lived in the time of the Peloponnesian war, cele- 
brated as the most beautiful woman of the age, and notorious for her avarice 
and caprice. — 2. The younger, daughter of Timandra of Sicily, and the 
rival and contemporary of Phryne of Thespiae of Bceotia. The beauty of 
Phryne acquired for her immense wealth, and gave rise to some of the 
greatest works of art, viz. , the picture of Apelles, ' Venus Anadyomene,' 
and the marble statue, the ' Cnidian Venus,' of Praxiteles. This famous 
statue, for which the Cnidians refused a sum offered by King Nicomedes 
equal to their heavy public debt, was finally carried to Constantinople, 
where it perished by fire in the reign of Justinian. 

■; 8 ) ' The story of Arria and Paetus is related in the 72nd number of the 
Tatler, in which the above epigram is praised as " one of the best trans- 
mitted to us from antiquity." In Spence's Anecdotes is mentioned a 
group of Arria and Paetus by a Greek artist ; and it is observed that the 
blow which Paetus gave himself is represented as "a very bold stroke, 
and takes away the false idea one might have got of him from the well- 
known epigram of Martial."' ' — Martial and the Moderns, by A. Amos, 
Esq. 

1 The letters of Pliny abound in instances of self-murder, a practice which 
at this time may almost be dignified with the name of a national usage.' 
' The resolution of the men was rivalled by that of the women also, and 
was supported apparently in either case, more by natural force of charac- 
ter and innate daring, than by any training in speculative philosophy. 
The illustrious deed of Arria, the wife of Paetus, who. when her husband 
was sentenced for conspiring with Scribonianus. gave herself the first blow 
and handed him the dagger with the words " Paste, non dolet ! " " It is not 
painful, Paetus,'' was, it seems, no act of sudden impulse, but the accom- 
plishment of a deliberate resolution not to survive him. The admiration 



Notes. v 

Pliny expresses for this fierce-minded creature, whose memory was 
treasured in the hearts of her family, shows in what honour the suicide 
even of women was held, in the dislocation of the true moral sense among 
the Romans of the period.' — See Rev. C. Merivale's History of the 
Rontatis tinder the Empire, vol. vii. 

The story of Arria and Psetus is told at length by Pliny the younger, 
ep. 3. 16. 

( 9 ) Jeremy Taylor, in a Discourse on the Invalidity of a Deathbed 
Repentance, quotes the two concluding lines of Martial's epigram, as to 
which he observes, that 'he that repents to-day repents late enough that 
he did not begin yesterday ; but he that puts off till to-morrow is vainer 
still.' The same lines are quoted by J. Taylor in another Discourse on 
Habitual Sins, wherein he writes, ' Think it not a hasty commandment 
that we are called upon to repent to-day. It was too much that yesterday 
passed by you, it is late enough if you do it to-day.' 

( 10 ) Ben Jonson, in his Discoveries, gives this epigram as an instance 
of a perfect poem being comprised in a single verse. 

(") From an epigram lib. xiv. ep. 186' in Martial and one in Seneca, 
Becker and Dr. Smith state it to have been the practice among the 
Romans to prefix portraits of authors to books. ' The engraved portrait 
of Shakespeare in the first edition of his plays, which is vouched by Ben 
Jonson, is a notable example of the early revival of this practice in 
England. Sir Matthew Hale's portrait prefixed to his works represents 
his thumb, according to his practice, placed in his girdle, and Ben 
Jonson speaks of his own picture as exhibiting "A mountain belly, and a 
rocky face." There are many epigrams of Martial on statues and pic- 
tures which are by no means destitute of modern interest, e. g. those on 
Polycletus's Juno, the bust of Socrates, an encaustic painting of 
Phaethon.' 

( 12 ) So far as the point of this epigram is concerned, it might have been 
written yesterday. Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII. 's Queen, in 1500, 
1 brought Fardingales into use amongst us.' See Duke of Manchester's 
Court and Society from Elizabeth to Anne; and not many years ago, 
Eugenie, Empress of France, introduced crinolines. 

( 13 } Camden, in speaking of this great victory, says, 'Several monies 
were coined, some to commemorate the victory, with a fleet flying with full 
sails, with this inscription, "Venit, vidit, fugit" (It came, it saw, it fled ; 
others in honour of the Queen, with fire-ships and a fleet all in confusion, 
inscribed " Dux foemina facti " (A woman the leader of the exploit . 

( 14 ) The day after the death of George IV. Miss Lloyd met his brother 
at the house of Lady Sydney : she asked him familiarly whether he was 



vi Notes. 

to be proclaimed as King William or King Henry. ' Helen Lloyd,' he 
replied, ' that question has been discussed in the Privy Council, and it has 
been decided in favour of King William.' He added, ' the decision had 
been mainly influenced by the idea of an old prophecy,' the drift of which 
was that expressed in this epigram. See Diaries of a Lady of Quality 
from 1797 to 1844, edited by Hayward. Superstition has connected with 
misfortune the name also of John in the lives and reigns of John of England, 
J ohn of France, and John Baliol of Scotland ; and therefore it was that 
Robert III. of Scotland, whose christian name had been John, to elude 
the bad omen, assumed the name of Robert (rendered dear to Scotland 
by the recollections of Robert Bruce), though he had a brother, the Duke 
Albany, whose name was Robert. — See Scott's novel, Fair Maid of 
Perth. 

( 15 J An expansion or translation of Martial's line : — ' Fortuna multis dat 
minus, satis nulli.' 

( 16 ) More correctly the junction of the two crowns. The legislative 
union between England and Scotland, forming together the kingdom of 
Great Britain, was, as every one knows, accomplished May 1707. 

( 17 ) Donne's talent lay in satire which savours more of the coarse style 
of Juvenal than of the elegant humour of Horace. He was a favourite 
with James I., who delighted in his conversation, and was highly praised 
by Dryden, and Pope thought it worth his while to modernise his satires. 
Donne was author of Devotions uJ>on Emergent Occasions • The 
Ancient History of the Septuagint translated from the Greek of 
Aristeas. 

( 18 ) Marvell was assistant to Milton when Latin Secretary to 
O. Cromwell, and wrote The Rehearsal Transposed, as well as many 
poems and letters. He is still remembered for his great political integrity. 
Charles II. delighted in his conversation, but was unable to persuade 
him to support his measures. 

( 19 ) Dryden's epigrammatic force is displayed in parts of his poems. 
The above lines on Tonson arose from the poet's being refused the sum 
he asked for his admirable translation of Virgil, who said on sending 
them, 'Tell the dog he who wrote them can write more.' The threat 
at once caused Tonson to send the sum asked. 

( 20 ) Sedley, one of the wits of Charles II. 's time, whose daughter 
(Countess of Dorchester) became mistress to James II. He was an 
earnest promoter of the Revolution, and after Mary was on the throne he 
said, ' I have returned the obligation I owed King James. He made my 
daughter a countess, and I have helped to make his daughter a queen. ' 



Notes, vii 

Mary seemed destined to be the object of the repartees of the Sedley 
family. The Countess of Dorchester had the audacity to present herself 
before the queen, when she held her first drawing-room. Her majesty 
turned away her head, as if offended at her intrusion ; on which the bold 
woman exclaimed : — ' Why so haughty, madam? I have not sinned more 
notoriously in breaking the seventh commandment with your father, than 
you have done in breaking the fifth against him.' — Strickland's Queens of 
'.:nd. 

' Atterbury was a man of great learning and brilliant talents, and 
speaker, preacher, and writer, had few equals. His defence of the 
authenticity of Lord Clarendon' s History is said to be the most beautif ul 
and touching specimen of eloquence in the English language.' 

- : The favourite of Charles II. whose name contributed a letter in the 
anagram of the ' Cabal ' Ministry, noted for his wit and profligacy, ' who 
furnished Pope with a subject for some satirical lines in one of his 
Moral Essays? and sat for Dry den's portrait of Zimri in his Absalom 
A :hitophel. Buckingham, it is well known, in his Rehearsal, a play 
once popular for its ridicule and the wit with which it sparkled, ridiculed 
Dryden under the character of Bayes. 

(**) ' It is not possible to read, without some contempt and indignation, 
poems of the same author, ascribing the highest degree of power and piety 
to Charles I., then transferring the same power said piety to Oliver 
Cromwell ; now inviting Oliver to take the crown, then congratulating 
Charles II. on his recovered right.' — See Dr. Johnson's Lives of the 
British Poets— Waller. 

: ' After the accession of James II., Dryden, it is well known, went 
over to the Roman Church. This step engaged him in controversy and 
exposed him to much censure and ridicule from his contemporary wits, 
amongst whom the scurrilous muse of Tom Brown, a man of some mark 
in his day, was not the least conspicuous, but it led Dryden to write his 
celebrated poem, The Hind and the Panther, which was answered by 
Lord Halifax, 

:; " The Duchess was the sole daughter and heiress of the twentieth 
Earl of Oxford. She is among the Hampton Court Beauties. This 
daughter of Aubrey De Vere married the first Duke of St. Albans, the 
son of Charles II. and Nell Gwynne. The greatgrandson of this duke 
and duchess married Miss Moses, the damsel who was refused by Lord 
Peterborough because her fortune did not come within 15,000/. of what 
he considered might qualify her to become his wife. ' 

(**) ' Pope was often in the habit of spending his winter evenings in the 



viii Notes. 

library of Murray's (afterwards Lord Chief Justice^ house in Lincoln's 
Inn Fields ; and on one occasion the rising lawyer, being called away to a 
consultation, put into the poet's hand a volume of Latin epitaphs by Dr. 
Friend just published, saying " they had been much read and admired." 
Pope, who, like other great men, felt jealous of a supposed rival, was 
alarmed lest his own fame in epitaph-writing, on which he particularly 
valued himself, should be dimmed, and on Murray's return showed him the 
above epigram. The next night, Pope having produced a Latin epitaph 
of his own composition which he maintained to be equal to any of Friend's, 
Murray, detecting a false quantity in it, threw it into the fire, saying that 
the finest of English Poets, and he who had most embellished his own 
language, ought to write in no other.' — See Lord Campbells Lives of the 
Chief Justices. 

( 27 ) Our modern celebrated clubs are founded upon eating and drinking, 
which are points wherein most men agree, and in which the learned and 
illiterate, the dull and the airy, the philosopher and the buffoon, can all 
bear a part. The Kit-cat Club is said to have its original from a mutton- 
pie. — See Addison s Spectator, No. 9. 

A list of its members (39) is given in Addisoniana. They consisted of 
noblemen and gentlemen of the first rank for quality, merit, and fortune, 
chiefly of Whig principles. Tonson, the eminent bookseller, the secretary. 
Their portraits were drawn by Sir G. Kneller. ' Each member gave 
Tonson his, and he is going to build a room for them at Barn Elms.' 
— Spence"s Anecdotes. All portraits of the same size are to this day called 
kit-cat pictures. Horace Walpole says : ' The Kit-cat Club, generally 
mentioned as a set of wits, in reality the patriots that saved the nation.'' 
It is doubtful whether Pope or Arbuthnot wrote the above epigram, in 
which the club is ridiculed. — See Bohn's Edition of Addison's works. 

( 28 ) ' In this poem Pope has given us one of the most sweeping, fierce, 
and brilliant philippics, in which, under the mask of a reprobation of bad 
writing and bad taste, genius ever revenged the injuries of self-love.' — See 
Shaw's Outlines of English Literature. 

( a9 ) The 2nd, 6th, 8th, nth, 12th, 16th, 18th, and 23rd books of the 
Odyssey were by Broome, as well as the notes to the whole 24 books. He 
also made extracts from Eustathius for the notes to the translation of the 
Iliad; for all which he received from Pope 500/., with as many copies of 
the work as he wanted for his friends. — See Dr. Joh?isons Life of 
Broome, Hazlitt's edition, vol. iii. p. 118. 

( 30 ) Josiah Hort, Bishop of Kilmore, afterwards Archbishop of Tuam, 
author of a New Proposal for tlie better Regulation and Improvement of 
Quadrille, for the publication of which Faulkner, the bookseller, was 



Notes. ix 



imprisoned. The bishop, not having indemnified Faulkner, excited the 
ire of Swift, who penned the above satire. 

( 31 ) The musical world in the reign of Queen Anne was divided after the 
introduction of the Italian Opera into London into two factions, one 
favouring the Italian, Bononcini, and the other the German, Handel. 
Addison's papers in the Spectator against both are too well known to 
need remark. Swift, who seems never to have been partial to music, 
joined in the fray ; and the above epigram was written by him expressive 
of his astonishment that ' such difference there should be 'twixt tweedle- 
dum and tweedle-dee.' Spite, however, of botn Swift's and Addison's 
ribaldry and humour, the Italian Opera still retains its hold of the British 
public, and though poor Bononcini is almost forgotten, Handel's fame is 
greater than ever : ' his excellency in every style of music, but more 
especially in sacred music of the choral kind, being universally 
acknowledged.' 

( 32 ) So in Gulliver's Travels, the most admirable satire ever conveyed 
in a narrative, and the most plausible disguise that fiction ever bore, Swift 
expresses his indignant contenipt of his fellow-mortals. The king of 
Brobdingnag, after hearing the historical account of European affairs, 
exclaims : 'It was only a heap of conspiracies, rebellions, massacres, 
revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction, 
hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, envy, hatred, lust, 
malice and ambition could produce ; ' ' and adds : ' by what I have 
gathered from your own relation and the answers I have with much pains 
wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your 
natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin, that nature 
ever suffered to crawl upon the face of the earth. ' 

( 33 ) In Swift's time two keen and memorable controversies divided the 
literary world, and in some respects were mingled with each other — A 
Comparison of Ancient and Modern Learning, a controversy which 
passed from France to Britain. Sir W. Temple published, in favour of the 
ancients, his Essay upon Ancient and Modern Learning, and Swift's 
powers of satire were exerted in behalf of his patron and caused him to 
write The Battle of the Books, in which it is remarkable- .he has omitted 
Milton's name, and no mention is made of Newton, who in 1686 had 
published his great and immortal work The Principia. Swift's piece 
caused the epigram to be written. — See W. Scott's edition of Swift's 
works. 

( 34 ) In 1724 a man named Wood obtained a patent to coin 180,000/. in 
halfpence and farthings for the kingdom of Ireland. To obstruct the 
currency of Wood's brass money, Swift wrote his celebrated letters under 



x Notes. 

the name of M. B. Drapier, to show the folly of giving gold and silver for 
coin not worth, as Swift said, a third part of its nominal value. The 
letters, it is needless to say, were successful, and the patent was withdrawn, 
much to the annoyance and indignation of the government ; and hence- 
forth Swift was idolised by the populace as the champion, patron, and 
instructor of Ireland. 

( 35 ) This is a translation of Martial (b. v. ep. 52). 

( 3S ) Shown by Mr. Singer to be an expert adaptation of a much older 
one, ' Johnnie Carnegie laisheer,' &c. — Notes and Queries, 1st series, 
vol. i. p. 482. 

( 37 ) The husband of the beautiful countess resided as English Ambassa- 
dor in Paris during Addison's visit there, circa 1701. It was in compli- 
ment to her that he composed the above lines which were engraved on 
his toasting-glass at the Kit-cat Club. It was a rule of the club that each 
member on his admission should name the lady of his choice and write a 
verse to her beauty. 

( 38 ) ' Marlborough was insatiable of riches. ' — Lord Macaulays History 
of England. Swift said of him ' he was covetous as hell, and ambitious 
as the prince of it.' ' When I recollected this epigram, and saw that now 
by the genius of Brown a magnificent body of water was collected, I 
said, they have drowned the epigram.' — BoswelVs Life of Johnson. 

( 39 ) ' On January 2, 1711, appeared the last number of the Tatler, and 
at the beginning of March following appeared the first of an incompara- 
ble series of papers, containing observations on life and literature by an 
imaginary spectator.' ' Every valuable essay in the series may be read 
with pleasure separately : yet the five or six hundred essays form a whole, 
and a whole which has the interest of a novel. ' ' They have such grace, 
such wit, such humour, such pathos, such knowledge of the human heart, 
such knowledge of the ways of the world, that they charm us on the hun- 
dredth perusal.' — See Lord Macaulays Essays, Life and Writings of 
Addison, Longman and Company Publishers. 

(*°) Budgell, Addison's relative, wrote some papers in the Tatler, Spec- 
tator, and Giiardian, Lives of the Family of the Boyles, and translated 
Theophrastus's CJiaracters from the Greek. 

( 41 ) In 1722 Atterbury was imprisoned in the Tower on a very well- 
founded charge of treason. Such cases were embarrassing to the ruling 
powers ; and in the royal drawing-room the question had been mooted, 
' What was to be done with the bishop ? ' The Cadogan of the above epi- 
gram was present and replied, ' Throw him to the lions.' The brutality 
of the suggestion may in some measure excuse the bishop's retaliation. 



Notes, 



Atterbury's assertion that Cadogan was the ; offspring of hangman and of 
bawd ' was too severe and not altogether correct ; for if his grandfather, 
Sir C. Hardress Waller, was one of the judges of Charles I., Cadogan's 
mother, Bridget Waller, was certainly not open to the episcopal 
abuse. 

42 Dean of Christchurch, composer of two catches: viz., 'Hark, the 
bonny Christchurch bells,' and 'A Smoking Catch' to be sung by four 
men whilst smoking. He composed many services in music for the 
church, and no less than twenty anthems. His knowledge of architec- 
ture was considerable, as appears by Peckwater Square in Oxford, the 
Chapel of Trinity College, and the Church of All Saints, which were 
designed by him. He was appointed one of those persons who were 
intrusted with the publication of Lord Clarendon's History ; and Bishop 
Burnet speaks highly of the part he took in the controversy with the 
Papists in James II. r s reign. The above epigram is a translation of the 
Dean's lines : 

' Si bene commemini, causae sunt quinque bibendi ; 

Hospitis adventus ; praesens sitis : atque futura ; 

Et villi bonitas; et quaelibet altera causa.' 

(**) William III. during his long absences from England, as general 
of the confederate armies of Spain and Germany against France, was 
compelled to invest the regal power in a council of nine ; and among the 
governing junta of nine regents was included Tennyson, Archbishop of 
Canterbury. This gave rise to the above epigram. 

(**} The first edition of Dryden's translation of VirgiVs JEneid is some- 
what oddly connected with the memory of William III. Jacob Tonson, the 
celebrated publisher, designed that the work should be dedicated to that 
monarch. Dryden, who had been deprived of his pension and laureate- 
ship by Queen Mary, swore that he would rather commit his manuscript 
to the flames, than submit to pay that compliment to the Dutch sovereign. 
He insisted on dedicating every canto to a separate Mecaenas of his own 
among the aristocracy. The extensive patronage thus obtained for the 
work, induced the publisher to let the poet have his own way. Old Jacob, 
though baffled, was not foiled, having devised a notable plan for outwitting 
Dryden and flattering William at the same time ; for he directed the artist 
whom he employed to illustrate the JEneid, to represent a lively portraiture 
of his majesty for the beau ideal of the person of the pious zEneas. As 
the features of the hero of Nassau cannot possibly be mistaken wherever 
they are seen, the likeness was staring, and the bookseller rejoiced in the 
success of his scheme. As for William himself, he no more cared for dedi- 
cations by an English poet than he did for compliments in Chinese ; either 



xii Notes. 

way it was a matter of perfect indifference to him. Not so to Dryden, whose 
intense displeasure at the sight of the features of the pious zEneas vented 
itself in the above bitter epigram, the more bitter because founded on 
truth. — See Miss Strickland' s Lives of the Queens of England. 

(* 3 ) Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, wishing to possess a palace of her 
own, obtained of Queen Anne a grant for fifty years of that portion of the 
demesnes of St. James's on which the present Marlborough House 
stands, and which had been the private pleasure-garden of her uncle 
Charles II., and his consort, Catherine of Braganza. The building 
cost between forty and fifty thousand pounds : ' of which,' says 
the duchess, ' the queen paid not one shilling, although many angry 
people believed otherwise.' The rage of the people was, to do them jus- 
tice, not at the outlay by the queen of the public money in favour of the 
duchess, but because, in laying the foundations of the palace, called to 
this day Marlborough House, she had caused to be rooted up a fine 
young oak tree, sprung from an acorn which King Charles had set 
with his own hand. The king had plucked the acorn from his friendly 
oak that screened him so well at Boscobel. The above epigram was suc- 
ceeded by the two following, still more severe. 

( 46 ) This is an allusion to the scandals which pursued the memory of 
the Duchess of Marlborough's mother. 

( 47 ) ■ Sidney, Lord (afterwards Earl of) Godolphin, being deeply disap- 
pointed at his endeavour to retain office as Lord Treasurer to Queen 
Anne, in a state of exasperation, on receiving the queen's final order of 
dismissal, not only broke his white staff, but flung it contemptuously 
into the fire. The incident gave rise to the above party epigram written 
by Dean Swift, who had arrived in London, suborned by the Tories to 
write them up, and to write their opponents down.' 

( 48 ) James II. 

( 49 ) The Pretender. 

( so ) The point of this epigram is taken from one by Pasquier on Beza's 
three wives. The Lady Cathcart, whose romantic story is mentioned 
in Miss Edgeworth's Castle Rackrent, was wont to say: 'I have 
been married three times ; the first time for money, the second for rank, 
the third for love ; and the third was worst of all.' 

( 3l ) The origin of this epigram was kindly communicated to me by Mr. 
Yates, of Well-bank House, Sandbach, county court judge for Cheshire 
(to whom the Editor is indebted for several most excellent epigrams in 
this collection). * My ancestor,' said he, ' Mr. Yates of Peel Hall, and 
Mr. P. Dawson of Hornby Castle, were very lean spare men, and hap- 



Notes. xiii 



pened to be Trustees of the Manchester School Mills (the revenue from 
which formed part of the endowment of the grammar school), and in that 
capacity instituted proceedings to maintain their exclusive right of 
grinding corn within the manor of Manchester, and were successful. 
This was of course an unpopular proceeding, and gave rise to the epigram 
alluded to from the pen of a well-known wit and poet of the day, Dr. 
Byrom. On referring to the brief which my grandfather (afterwards the 
Hon. Mr. Justice Yates' held in the case, I find the suit to compel the 
burgesses of Manchester to grind at the school mills came on for hearing 
in May 1756.' Byrom, it may be as well to add, was one of the earliest 
practitioners of stenography, of which he wrote an improved system. He 
was a contributor, too, to the Spectator, and author of the song, ' My time, 
O ye Muses, was happily spent,' &c, the beautiful Pastoral to Phcebe, 
and of letters in the same work signed John Shadow. 

( 52 ) When Pitt, afterwards Earl of Chatham, in 1757, became Secretary 
of State, the ' stupendous statesmanlike qualities of his mind began to 
reveal themselves, and a new impetus was given to every department of 
government. The French, with whom we were then at war, were beaten 
in all directions. The most brilliant actions were performed on the conti- 
nent, whilst, in other parts of the globe, the flag of Great Britain was tri- 
umphantf. and many valuable places, both in America, as Quebec in 
1759, and in the East Indies were added to our possessions.' 

( 33 ) Son of Dr. Bentley, the friend of Walpole. 

( 54 ) Beau Nash. 

( 3S ) ' From his high spirits, his boastfulness, his undissembled vanity, his 
propensity to blunder, his provoking indiscretion, his unabashed audacity, 
he afforded to the Tories, especially to Swift, an inexhaustible subject of 
ridicule and satire.' His Histories of his own Times, Reformation, 
Exposition of the Thirty-nine Articles, Discourse of Pastoral Care, and 
Life of Wilmot, Earl of Rochester, are well worth reading. 

( 56 ) Cave's London residence. See too NichoVs Literary Anecdotes, 
vol. viii. p. 511. 

( 57 ) Wilkes, so notorious in his day for his opposition to the Bute and 
Grenville ministries by his journal The North Britai7i, for his obtaining 
a verdict with 4,000/. damages against Lord Halifax, then Secretary of 
State, for illegal imprisonment under a general warrant for his publication 
of the obscene work, The Essay on Woman ^written by Archbishop 
Potters son, with notes pretended to be by Bishop Warburton), and for 
his contests with the House of Commons and ultimate triumph as to his 
return for Middlesex, had ' a face so hideous that the caricaturists were 
forced, in their own despite, to flatter him ; but he was a man of taste, 



xiv Notes. 

reading, and engaging manners, whose sprightly conversation was the 
delight of green-rooms and taverns, and pleased even the gravest when he 
abstained from detailing the particulars of his amours, and from breaking 
jests on the New Testament.' 

( 3S ) George II. never was a patron to learning or genius, and Colley 
Cibber's birthday odes as Poet-Laureate were notoriously bad. His 
comedies met with success. He figures in the Dunciad, having made 
Pope his enemy by the Non- Juror, acted in 1717. 

( 59 ) It is but just to Charles II. 's memory to mention that Butler 
had 300/. and an annual pension of 100/. for his immortal poem of Hudi- 
bras. — See Life of Butler in Bonn's Edition of his works. 

( 60 ) ' Sir Joshua Reynolds is a great painter, but, unfortunately, his 
colours seldom stand longer than crayons.' — Horace WalpoWs Letter to 
Sir H. Mann (1775). It is too true that this is the case with the colouring 
of many pictures painted by him during a short period of his life : he 
thought that he had discovered a mode of rendering colours more vivid, 
and employed it, without duly considering the chemical qualities of his 
materials. But he was soon made acquainted with the mistake he had 
committed, re-assumed his durable system with increased beauty and 
vigour, and continued to employ it till the termination of his valuable 
labours. ' The colouring of Reynolds ' (says Mr. Philips) ' in his best 
works, combines the highest qualities of Correggio and Titian with the 
brilliancy and luxuriance of the Dutch and Flemish schools deprived of 
their timidities.' 

( 61 ) Soon after the promotion of Lord Camden to the Seals, Mr. Wilmot, 
his Lordship's purse-bearer, called at Hampton, where learning that 
Garrick had not yet paid his congratulatory compliments to the Chancel- 
lor, the conversation between the two gentlemen furnished Mr. Garrick 
with the subject of the above epigram, in which, with admirable ad- 
dress, our English Roscius turned an imputed neglect into a very elegant 
panegyric on that truly patriotic nobleman. 

( 62 ) ' Goldsmith would never allow a superior in any art, from writing 
poetry down to dancing a hornpipe ; and being in company one day with 
Garrick and other intimate friends insisted upon trying his epigrammatic 
powers with the dramatist, and each of them was to write the other's 
epitaph. Mr. Garrick immediately said ' his epitaph was finished,' and 
spoke the above distich. Goldsmith, upon the company's laughing very 
heartily, grew very thoughtful, and either would not or could not write 
anything at that time : however, soon afterwards he produced his much- 
admired and last poem called Retaliation, which contains the mock 



Notes. xv 

epigrammatic epitaphs of Garrick, Burke, Sir Joshua Reynolds, and the 
rest of the party.' — See Cunningham's Goldsmith's Works, vol. i. 

( 63 ) The number constituting the French Academy, who, it is said, -were 
thirty years in compiling their dictionary. 

For history of completion of Johnson's Dictionary, see Boswell's Life of 
him, vol. i. 

(**) Pitt's death was deplored as a great national loss. On his becoming 
for the second time Secretary of State (1757^, the war with France, which 
had been waged with great loss and disgrace, immediately assumed a 
new aspect. His vigorous administration soon caused a change for the 
better, and was attended by the most decisive successes both in 
America and Europe, the East Indies, and other parts of the globe. ' In 
his appointments Pitt, neglecting the claims of seniority, as well as those 
of aristocratic and parliamentary interest, was guided by merit alone ; 
and this was the secret of the success with which our arms were at this 
period attended.' 

( G5 ) This eminent physician, about a century ago, wrote a Treatise on 
the curative powers of the Malvern Waters, in which accounts are given 
of cures apparently more remarkable than any of which the present age 
can boast. 

( Ge ) ' Foote's mimicry was exquisitely ludicrous, but it was all caricature. 
He could take off some strange peculiarity, a stammer, or a lisp, but 
Garrick could seize those differences of manner and pronunciation 
which, though highly characteristic, are yet too slight to be described. 
They had both an infinite fund of comic humour in writing and conversa- 
tion.' ' Foote's farces procured for him the title of the English Aristopha- 
nes.' Dr. Johnson said of him that 'for loud, obstreperous, broad-faced 
mirth he had no equal.' Of Garrick, Pope said, ' he never had his equal 
as an actor, and will never have a rival.' 'He possessed a matchless 
versatility of genius for the exhibition of passion, and was alike at home 
in comedy and tragedy. He chiefly dedicated his talents to the great 
characters of Shakspeare, and excited a noble emulation to represent 
worthily England's great national poet.' — See SchlegeVs Lectures on 
Dratnatic Art and Literature. 

( 67 ) Mary and Elizabeth Gunning (' those goddesses the Gunnings,' at 
Mrs. Montague styles them in one of her celebrated letters) were the 
daughters of John Gunning, Esq. of Castle Coote, Ireland, by Bridges, 
daughter of Theobald Bourke, 6th Viscount Mayo. Maria was born in 
1733, and Elizabeth in 1734. Their first appearance at the English Court 
was in 1751. The surpassing loveliness of the Gunnings has almost become 



xvi Notes. 

_ 

matter of history ; nor perhaps is there any instance of mere beauty 
having excited so extraordinary a sensation as that produced by the 
appearance in the fashionable circles of London of these two portionless 
Irish girls. Horace Walpole writes to Sir H. Mann, June 18, 1751 : 
' They are declared to be the handsomest women alive. They can't walk 
in the park or go to Vauxhall, but such crowds follow them that they are 
generally driven away.' Elizabeth in Feb. 1752 married James, 6th 
Duke of Hamilton, who died Jan. 17, 1758, and in March 1759 she became 
the wife of Col. J. Campbell, afterwards 5th Duke of Argyll, and died in 
1790. 

Maria married George William, 6th Earl of Goventry, and died in 
1760. The quantity of paint which she laid on her face is said, by 
checking the perspiration, to have been the immediate cause of the dis- 
order which occasioned her death. — Jesse's George Selwyn, vol. i. 

( ss ) Menagiana, vol. iii. p. 376. Ed. of 1716. Equally happy were 
Lord Chesterfield's lines to a young lady who appeared at a Dublin ball 
with an orange breastknot : 

1 Pretty Tory, where 's the jest 
To wear that riband on thy breast, 
When that same breast betraying shows 
The whiteness of the rebel rose ? ' 

( e9 ) Quick's friends were never satisfied unless he travestied some part or 
other of the plays he performed : and it is told of him that once when 
playing Richard III. on coming to the part where the king exclaims : 
' A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!' byway of putting a finishing 
stroke to the fun, he extemporized : ' and if you can't bring me a horse, 
bring me a jackass.' 

( ,0 ) Rhedycina was formerly a commonly accepted name for Oxford. 

( 71 ) Lady Georgiana Spencer, the ' beautiful Duchess of Devonshire,' as 
she was called, was the eldest daughter of John, 1st Earl Spencer. She 
was born in 1757, and in 1774 became the wife of William, 5th Duke of 
Devonshire. She was a woman of surpassing loveliness and peculiar 
fascination of manners. Descended in the fourth degree lineally from 
Sarah Jennings, the wife of John Churchill.: fet Duke of Marlborough, 
she resembled the portraits of tha leautiful woman. Her beauty did 
not, like that of the Miss Gunnings, consist in regularity of features and 
faultless formation of limbs and shape ; it lay in the amenity and graces 
of her deportment, in her irresistible manners, and the seduction of 
her society. He - eart might be considered as the seat of those emotions 
which sweeten human life, adorn our nature, and diffuse a nameless 
charm over existence. The personal exertions made by her in favour of 



Notes. xvii 



Fox during the contested election for Westminster in 1784 are well 
known. It was probably during this election that the well-known com- 
pliment was paid to her by the Irish mechanic, ' I could light my pipe,' 
said he, ' at her eyes.' 

" The VenetiajafSenate remunerated Sannazaro at the rate of a 
handsome sum of gold for every line of the above epigram. 
(* 3 ) The French have translated this biting epigram thus : 
Leo sans sacramens expire : 
Comment les avait-il recus ? 
Avant sa mort le maitre sire 
Des long-temps les avait vendus. 
C 4 ) Aeon, supposed to be the minion of Henry III. of France, and 
Leonilla for the princess of Eboli, the mistress of Philip II. of Spain, 
each of whom had lost an eye ; but for each defect each was most 
beautiful. 

f 75 } The Chancellor seems to have had a peculiar hatred to bishops, 
which little idiosyncrasy has escaped his biographers, as they in no way 
that I am aware of notice it 

( 76 ; It is almost needless to mention that the thirteenth and last battle 
between the houses of York and Lancaster was fought on Bosworth 
Field, August 22, 1485, and that 100,000 human beings lost their lives in 
these contests, which originated with the descendants of Edward III. 
First battle fought May 22, 1455. Union of the roses in the marriage of 
Henry- VII. with the princess Elizabeth, daughter of Edward IV., i486. 
Partisans of the House of Lancaster chose the red rose as their mark of 
distinction, and those of York were denominated from the white. 

(") In reference to the last line of this very celebrated epigram, a tra- 
dition existed at Westminster many years ago io the effect that it was 
written by Dryden, while at school there. It was then, as it perhaps is 
now, the custom for the boys to write Latin verses on certain days of the 
week, either from the Psalms or some other portion of Scripture. Upon 
the occasion alluded to, Dryden had neglected, it was said, to write any. 
The subject was ' the marr e of Cana in Galilee ; ' and when the time 
came for sending in the exercises, " yden, in order to escape the imme- 
diate consequences of his idleness, hastily wrote down the above penta- 
meter, and heading the paper, as was usual, with the subject and his name, 
sent it up amongst the others. The tradition added that the extreme 
beauty of the thought saved the great poet from the disci iline which the 
master, Dr. Bushby, was about to administer. The truth, however, 
is that this celebrated line forms part of the above epigram by Crashaw, 
of the Charterhouse, and afterwards of St. Peter's College, Cambridge, 

b 



xviii Notes. 

in a volume of Latin poems which he published at Cambridge in 1634, 
and consequently only three years after Dryden was born. 

( 7S ) The Italian proverb says of the Genoese, that they have a sea with- 
out fish, land without trees, and man without faith. Pope Julius was the 
patron of Michael Angelo, Raphael, and Bramante. Having turned his 
arms against France, his career was checked, and he was declared sus- 
pended by the Council of Pisa. 

( 79 ) This controversial incident happened in the 16th century. Peter 
Heylyn tells us in his Cosmographie of these two brothers, William and 
John Reynolds, that the former was at first a Protestant of the Church of 
England, and the latter trained up in Popery beyond the seas. On a 
conference between them it so fell out that John was so convinced by his 
brother's arguments he returned to England and became a rigid English 
Protestant, and William, overcome by his brother's reasoning, stayed 
beyond the seas and proved a very violent and virulent papist. 

( 80 ) ' The allusion here, in the last couplet, is to the distribution of the 
waters of the Seine, through pipes and wells for the use of the inhabitants 
of Paris. — In Vavassor's works there are two Latin epigrams on this 
subject.' 

( sl ) Alencon was a hideous fellow, whom his own sister loathed, and to 
whom his most intimate companion, Bussy d'Amboise, once said, ' If I 
were Alencon and you were Bussy, I wouldn't have you for a lacquey.' 
His brother-in-law, Henry Quatre, was sarcastic on the double-minded- 
ness of the deformed prince, as his enemies were on his double nose, that 
having so swollen as to look something like a couple of bottles, and to give 
rise on his going to Flanders to the above cutting epigram. See Duke of 
MancJiester's Court and Society from Elizabeth to Anne, p. 257, vol. i. 

( m ) Boileau, whilst offering himself the most beautiful models of pure and 
perfect poetry, taught the French people to admire Corneille, Moliere, 
and Racine. His Art of Poetry appeared in 1673 ; and it is said served 
in some degree as a model for Pope, who imitated it in many of his best 
passages in his Essay oti Criticism. It suggested to Regnard the 
following epigram : 

Ci git maltre Boileau qui ve*cut de medire 

Et qui mourat aussi : par un traite de satyre 

Ce coup dont il prappa lui fut enfin rendu. 

Si par malheur un jour son livre etoit perdu 

A le chercher bien loin, passant, n'est embarrasse 

Tu le retrouveras tout entier dans Horace. 

' As a critic Boileau did much to rivet the fetters of classicality on his 



Notes. xix 

countrymen, and to give their literature that trimmed and clipped look 
which Johnson contrasted with the wild nature of our own greater 
writers.' 

This epigram gave rise to several excellent caricatures of the effects 
of law. In one of these there were three figures, a big fat lawyer and two 
litigants mere skeletons in appearance ; the former standing between them 
with an oyster-shell in each outstretched hand, exclaims : ' Gentlemen, 
the oyster was a good one, the Court awards you a shell each.' ' I never 
was ruined but twice,' said a wit ; ' once when I lost a lawsuit, and once 
when I gained one.' 

It is told of James I. that on his arrival in England, he was taken from 
tribunal to tribunal in Westminster Hall, and his remark was, ' A' rogues, 
a' rogues ; ' and when Peter the Great had watched for some time the liti- 
gation going on in the Court of Chancery, he exclaimed to the English 
nobleman who acted as his cicerone that ' in the whole of his dominions, 
he possessed but two lawyers, and that he intended to hang one of them 
immediately he got back to Russia.' * A lawyer,' said Lord Brougham, 
' is a learned rascal who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps 
it himself-' 

(■*) It must, however, be told that Colbert did much for France. He 
founded Quebec and Cayenne, the dockyards of Brest, Toulon, and 
Rochefort, and gave a new impetus to the commerce of the country. 
* Besides these works he instituted the Academy of Painting and Sculpture, 
and the Academy of Sciences, and by his recommendation the Royal 
Observatory was built He is generally considered as the inventor of 
the theory of the balance of trade.' His talent for architecture was 
evinced by his erecting elegant structures in Paris, the Hotel des Inva- 
lides, the facade of the Louvre, the triumphal arches of the Boulevardes, 
the gardens of the Tuileries, &c. 

( 8S ) The most cruel of the demagogues of the French Revolution 
(1789). Eaiiy in life he published a treatise On Crimes and Punish- 
ments, in which he denied the right of society to put offenders to death 
When raised to power by the Jacobin Club, a scene of blood followed, to 
which hardly a parallel can be found in history. That triumvirate of 
fiendish bloodthirsty monsters, Robespierre, Danton, and Marat, spread 
dismay and death throughout France. 'At length a confederacy was 
formed against Robespierre, who was arrested July 9th, 1794, but not till 
his lower jaw was broken by a pistol-shot in an abortive attempt at 
suicide. He suffered the next day under the guillotine amidst the exe- 
crations of the multitude.' 

( 8e ) ' Tiracque had the reputation of producing even' year a book, while 
b 2 



xx Notes. 

his wife with equal regularity produced a bantling, till her number was 
said to have reached so high a figure as thirty.' ' The jokes are endless 
against him for the equal number of libri (books) and liberi (children) 
that thus came into the world, and as he was a teetotaller, he was all the 
more readily assailed by his less temperate brethren. ' 

( 8T ) The licentiousness of his writings, it is needless to say, caused his 
rejection. ' His allusions and personalities to passing events give his 
epigrams a value which none of the innumerable imitations of Martial, 
Ausonius, and Owen can ever attain.' His works were published in 
seven volumes in 1776. 

( S8 ) A French poet of some renown in his day who contracted an inti- 
macy with Voltaire which ended in a quarrel, and the two poets lampooned 
each other without mercy. 

( s9 ) Talleyrand served under so many governments widely different in 
their principles, that his enemies sarcastically said of him he would serve 
the devil if he had the opportunity. ' His wit was caustic, ready, and 
penetrating, a crowd of examples attesting his accomplishments in this 
respect.' His talents and fame as a diplomatist are too well known to 
require notice, but it may be mentioned that when the Constitutional 
Monarchy party desired to maintain peace with England he was con- 
sidered as the ' only man fitted to execute the delicate commission of 
opening negotiations with the Court of St. James.' His profligacy, if 
we are to believe some memoirs of him, was at one period of his life 
notoriously great, and caused him to be an object of abhorrence. 

( 90 ) Roger Bacon, in his treatise De Nullitate Maguz, published at 
Oxford 1216, expressly mentions the composition of gunpowder ; but many 
writers maintain it was known much earlier in many parts of the world. 
Dean Swift, in Gulliver s Travels, after telling the king of Brobdingnag 
of its invention and the manner of using it and its destructive effects, 
adds : ' his majesty was struck with horror at the description, and said 
he was amazed how so impotent and grovelling an insect as I could 
entertain such inhuman ideas,' and that ' some evil genius, enemy to 
mankind, must have been its contriver.' 

( 91 ) History tells us this destructive war was commenced in 1618 by 
Matthias, Emperor of Germany, and was brought to a close by the Peace 
of Westphalia, signed at Munster, October 24, 1648, between France, the 
Emperor, Frederic II., and Sweden: Spain continuing the war against 
France. Matthias's cruel treatment of the Protestants caused a revolt of 
his Bohemian subjects. ' By the Peace of Westphalia the principle of the 
balance of power in Europe was first recognised, Alsace given to France, 
and part of Pomerania and some other districts to Sweden ; the Elector 



Notes. xxi 



Palatine restored to the Lower Palatinate, the civil and political rights of 
the German States established, and the independence of the Swiss Con- 
federation recognised by Germany.' 

i 92 ) In 1793 was published, in Paris, the first part of Paine's Age of 
Reason, and the second part came out in 1795, being A n Investigation of 
Trtie and Fabulcnis Theology, a work expressly levelled against the truth 
of revealed religion. ' In it are evinced a considerable share of energy of 
anguage and acuteness of investigation.' It was most ably and satisfac- 
torily answered by Bishop Watson in his Apology for tJie Bible. 

i 93 } In this naval engagement between the Toulon and British fleets nine 
of the French line-of-battle ships were taken and two were burnt. This 
victory, it is well known to all, obtained Nelson a peerage by the title of 
Baron Nelson of the Nile, and the thanks of Parliament, and a pension 
of 3,000/. per annum. In this battle, Nelson, adopting a masterly and 
bold manoeuvre, steered a part of his fleet inside the enemy, who were 
hus exposed between two fires ; a plan pursued by Admiral Blake in his 
naval engagements. 

(°*) Miles Peter Andrews, M.P. for Bewdley, wrote several plays, all 
alike bad. His first comedy, The Election, is spoken of in the Biogra- 
phia Dramatica, as a nauseous potion washed down the throats of the 
public with music. The epigram is on Andrews's Mysteries of the Castle. 
In it probability is said to have been set at defiance, and the author alter- 
nately exhilarated, astonished, and terrified the gods in the gallery. 

( 95 ) Burke, it is well known, was a native of Ireland and the most active 
and persevering of all Hastings' enemies in this celebrated trial, which 

asted upwards of seven years. For full particulars see Gleig's Memoirs 
of Warre?i Hastings, 3 vols. , and Macaulay's review of the same. 

( 96 ) Passed 31 Charles II. (1769). By this Act— the subject's Writ of 
Right—no subject can be detained in prison except in cases wherein the 
detention is shown to be justified by the law. ' It can be suspended only 
by the authority of Parliament. In such a case the nation parts with a 
portion of its liberty to secure its own permanent welfare, and suspected 
persons may then be arrested without cause or purpose being assigned.' — 
See Blackstone's Commentarws. 

In Pitt's time it was suspended three or four times, which excited 
much public indignation on the part of those who opposed his measures. 

( m ) Cash payments were discontinued February 25, 1797, when notes 
of one and two pounds were put into circulation. A return to cash 
payments was partially resumed in 1817, and the restriction altogether 
ceased in 1821. 



xxii Notes. 

( 9S ) The Anti-Jacobin (in No. 8) thus speaks of the threatened invasion 
of this country, for which the French publicly formed and organised their 
Army of England: — ' Its advanced guard is to be formed from a chosen 
corps of banditti, the most distinguished for massacre and plunder. It 
is to be preceded, as it naturally ought, by the genius of the French 
Revolutionary Liberty, and it will be welcomed, as they tell us, " on the 
ensangttined shores of Britain by the generous friends of Parliamentary 
Reform." In the interval, however, till these golden dreams are realised, 
it is necessary that this Army of England, while it yet remains in 
France, should be fed, paid, and clothed. For this purpose a new and 
separate fund is provided, and is to be termed " The Loan upon England," 
to be raised by anticipation on the security and mortgage of all the lands 
and property of this country.' This gasconade, which sounds too ex- 
travagant for reality, was nevertheless seriously announced by a message 
from the Executive Directory, and we are told that the merchants of 
Paris eagerly offered to advance on such security the money which was 
to defray the expenses of the expedition against England. 

(") The eminent English dramatic poet, author of the Old Bachelor, 
Double Dealer, All for Love, &c. 

( 10 °) Sir W. Congreve, the inventor of the Congreve rocket, which 
proved most effective both at the battle of Leipsic in 1813, and at 
Waterloo. 

( 1<n ) In Nelson's last naval fight off Cape Trafalgar, 18 French and 
Spanish ships were taken, 11 escaped into Cadiz, 6 of which were 
reduced to mere wrecks. See Southey's Life of Lord Nelson, 

( 10a ) In this year Napoleon became Emperor of the French, and a few 
months afterwards he erected the Cis-Alpine republic into a kingdom and 
crowned himself King of Italy at Milan. 

( 10S ) Lord Castlereagh. 

( 104 ) Rt. Hon. C. J. Fox. 

( 105 ) Donkeys, formerly much used at Brighton in smuggling. 
( los ) Placed on the new church. 

( 10T ) Spencer devised an overcoat without skirts, called after its inventor 
a Spencer, and much worn in former days by elderly gentlemen ; and 
Sandwich brought into fashion the luncheon of seasoned meat between 
slices of bread and butter, which goes by his name. From Notes and 
Queries. 

( 108 ) From Anthologia Oxoniensis, and translated in Latin elegiacs 
by Mr. Booth, of Magdalen College. 



Notes. xxiii 



Barrington was transported for abstracting the gold snuff-box of a 
foreign nobleman at a drawing-room of Queen Charlotte in the character 
of an Irish bishop. He rose afterwards to be stage manager and High 
. at Botany Bay, and in a prologue to a play wrote : — 

True patriots we, for be it understood, 
We left our country for our country's good. 

John Home, the divine and dramatic author, wrote, as most men 
know, the tragedy of Douglas, which met with the greatest success ; but 
which evoked the indignation of the hypocritical, canting fanatics of the 
Scottish Kirk, who compelled him to retire from the ministry. He 
obtained, notwithstanding, a pension from his countryman Lord Bute. 
' Home had the old Scottish prepossession in favour of claret and utterly 
detested port. When claret was expelled from the market by high duties 
he wrote the above epigram. ' — Notes and Queries. 

::: The above is in the possession of the Microscopical Society. — 
Notes and Queries. 

One is reminded by this of Homer's Iliad in a nut, which refers to 
Pliny, b. 8, c, 21, who says it was copied in so small a hand that the whole 
work could lie in a walnut-shell : ' in nuce inclusam Iliada Homeri car- 
men, in membrana scriptum tradidit Cicero.' Pliny's authority is Cicero 
apud Gallium, 9, 421. See also M. Huet's account of a similar experiment 
in the Gentleman's Magazine, vol. xxxix. p. 347. 

1 "- In Napoleon's invasion of Spain, Murat commanded the French 
army, and under the name of Joachim Napoleon was in 1S0S proclaimed 
King of the Two Sicilies and reigned in peace till 18 12, his rule being 
characterised by mildness and liberality. From his love of daring, im- 
petuous bravery, and uniform success in battle, the emperor called him 
4 the best cavalry officer in Europe.' 

This town is noted for the defeat of the French by the British under 
Stuart. The overthrow of Murat in 1815 restored the former royal family 
to the throne of Naples, from which Francis II. was driven by Garibaldi 
m i860. It now forms part of the Italian kingdom under Victor 

Emmanuel II. 

'-'-- 'The first Congress of Vienna was convened by the treaty of Paris, 
May 3 : . 1 : u .. fc r the settlement of the affairs of Europe after Napoleon's 
abdication. Besides many sovereign princes, the Congress was composed 
of plenipotentiaries from the courts of Austria, Spain, France, Great 
Britain, Portugal, Prussia, Russia, Sweden, Denmark, &c. The princi- 
pal arrangements of the Congress were collected in one grand Act of 121 



Notes. 



articles, which was signed by the ministers of Great Britain, Austria, 
France, Portugal, Prussia, Russia and Sweden, June gth 1815.' 

:' lls ) Halliwell, a fellow of Brasenose, ycleped Dr. Toe from his lameness, 
paid attention to an Oxford flirt who jilted him and married her footman. 

116 ' Some of the Etonians, it appears, with Canning at their head, 
published a weekly periodical, called The Microcosm, and soon after 
its appearance in 1786, a contemporary paper emanated from Harrow 
School, which came forth with a somewhat indiscreet frontispiece 
representing the two publications in a balance, the Harrow periodical out- 
weighing its rival. Upon seeing it, Canning dashed off the above epigram, 
which Hook, a Harrow boy, answered. 

( 117 ) 'Young ladies read Moore's Lalla Rookh without (I presume^ 
being aware of the grossness of the Veiled Prophet.' — Table Talk of 
Sam. Rogers. 

("?) ' The expedition consisted of 35 ships of the line and 200 
smaller vessels, and 40,000 land-forces, Strahan commanding the fleet 
and Chatham the arm}'-. Perhaps a more powerful and better appointed 
armament had never previously left the British ports, or ever more com- 
pletely disappointed public expectation. Flushing was invested in 
August, and a dreadful bombardment followed : but no suggestion on the 
part of the naval commander, nor urgency on the part of the officers, 
could induce Chatham to vigorous action, until the period of probable 
success was gone, and necessity obliged him to return with the troops that 
disease and an unhealthy climate had spared.' 

' The place was completely evacuated Dec. 23, 1809. An enquiry was 
instituted by the House of Commons, and Lord Chatham, to prevent 
greater disgrace, resigned his post of master-general of the ordnance, but 
the policy of ministers in planning the expedition was, nevertheless, 
approved.' See Haydn's Dictionary of Dates, and G. H. Townshend's 
Manual of Dates— -Art. Walcheren Expedition. 

( 119 ) ' Some years after Paine's death, which occurred in America, 
Cobbett caused his remains to be brought to England, where he expected 
to find them greeted with enthusiasm, but the undertaking only brought 
ridicule upon himself.' 

( 120 ) It is matter of history that in 1812 Napoleon, at the head of 
500,000 men, invaded Russia, whose armies he signally defeated in several 
engagements. In September of that year he entered Moscow, which he 
found evacuated and almost totally consumed by fire. After spending a 
month there in expectation of overtures of peace from St. Petersburgh, 
the frost and snow of a Russian winter compelled him to commence a 



Notes. xxv 

precipitate retreat. Harassed also by innumerable foes, a great part 
of the French army, deprived of every thing, perished in the snow, or 
found a grave in the icy -waters of the Berezina. Notwithstanding this 
reverse of fortune some of Napoleon's most extraordinary battles were 
fought during his retreat. As a general his great genius was evinced by 
his novel method of rapidly concentrating a vast overwhelming force at 
some weak point of his enemy's lines, and thus causing confusion and en- 
suring victory. His two great mistakes in life appear to have been this 
Russian expedition, and his too speedy return from Elba before the 
allied armies had dispersed. 

■' : A return of the kings George III.) malady, caused Perceval, then 
Prime Minister, to propose the Prince of Wales as Regent under the same 
restrictions with regard to the creation of peers, the granting of offices, 
&c. as those laid down by Pitt in 1788. 'The arrangements were not 
finally completed till January 1811. George III. never recovered, and 
the regency consequently lasted till his death in 1820. At first it was 
anticipated there would be a change of ministry, and Lords Grey and 
Grenville were actually employed to draw up answers to the addresses of 
Parliament but being disgusted by some alterations suggested by 
Sheridan, they declined any further interference and the old ministry was 
retained' 

l2 ~ The treadmill, introduced into most of the large prisons of Great 
Britain, and first used at Brixton Gaol (1817), is of a more complicated 
construction than that which was invented and used by the Chinese in 
ancient times to raise water for the irrigation of their fields. 

( 188 ) By his talents and indefatigable application to business there was 
not in the Court of Chancery a cause left undecided. See Sir J. Mackin- 
tosh's life of him in Lardner's Cab. Cyclopedia — Eminent British 
Statesmen, and Lord CampbeIVs Lives of tJie Lord Chancellors.*. 

ia * Some years ago an action was brought at the Cardiff assizes by a 
rich plaintiff against a poor defendant, who was unable to pay a counsel, 
when Abraham Moore, Esq. of Exeter, a barrister, volunteered 'to defend 
him 3 which caused Jekyll to write the above epigram. 

pas) Afterwards Master of the Rolls. 

( 126 ) Afterwards Vice Chancellor. 

( ia,r ) On Bankruptcy. 

( ,M ) The Chancellor was Lord Eldon. His lordship soon after decided 
a case against Rose, the writer of the above jeu-d'esprit, and, looking 
good-humouredly at him, said : ' In this case, Mr. Rose, the Chancellor 
does not doubt.' The character assigned to Sir J. Leach by Rose was : 
' nor did he change, but kept in lofty place.' 



xxvi Notes, 

( 129 ) Stratford was a pompous man and received this nickname. 
( 13 °) The arms of the Inner and Middle Temple. 

( 131 ) The house of the Master of Rolls used to be there. 

( 132 ) Grandfather of Joseph St. John Yates, Esq., Judge of County- 
Courts, Cheshire. 

( 133 ) A very eminent special pleader, and author of Laws of Bills of 
Exchange, Checks on Ba7ikers, Promissory Notes, Bankers' Cash Notes 
and Bank Notes, A Treatise on the Parties to Actions and to Pleadings, 
and many other laborious and learned works which have become indis- 
pensable auxiliaries to every legal student and practitioner. 

( 134 } This was handed about amongst the gentlemen of the bar at 
the time of the Gorham appeal to the Privy Council as from the pen of 
Sir George Rose. It is almost needless to mention that Dr. Phillpotts, 
Bishop of Exeter, having refused to institute Gorham to the Chancellor's 
living of Brampford Speke (not considering his views on Baptismal Rege- 
neration sound, 1 , much litigation ensued in consequence, and ended by Mr. 
Gorham's successful appeal to the Privy Council. The affair proved a 
most dainty- delightful morsel for the gentlemen of the long robe. They 
chuckled, no doubt, at the opportunity afforded them of sending in heavy 
bills for costs. 

( 13S ) A few of these will suffice to show the truthfulness of the epigram : 
Campbell states that ' Lawrence Booth, Bishop of Durham, who was ap- 
pointed Lord Chancellor in 1473, had risen by merit from obscurity- ; and 
that although he gained great distinction from his proficiency in literature, 
law, and divinity, having been elected head of Pembroke Hall, Cambridge, 
and Bishop of Durham, he was nevertheless inefficient in the Court of 
Chancery and in Parliament ; and that to console him for the deprivation 
of the Great Seal in 1474. he was soon after translated from Durham to 
York.' If Lord Campbell knew no more of the Bishop's qualifications 
as Lord Chancellor than he appears to do of his origin, the whole of the 
above passage would be a tissue of barefaced and gross assumptions, 
palmed upon the public in the garb of truth. He might have learnt that 
Chancellor Booth's ancestors for five generations are recorded as persons 
of note and territorial possessions in Cheshire and Lancashire. His 
grandfather was a knight living in the reign of Edward III., and his 
grandmother was of the ancient family of Workesiey of Workesley. His 
mother was of the family of Savage, of ancient and honourable descent, 
at Clifton or Rock Savage in Cheshire. Of his brothers the eldest was 
created a knight in 14 Henry VI., and among his nephews and nieces 
may be reckoned a dean of York, a bishop of Exeter, a bishop of Hereford, 
and a countess of Westmorland, who were all Booths. Is this an origin 



Notes. xxvii 

which Lord Campbell would define as obscure? If his statement as to 
the bishop's origin be not a wilful perversion, it is as gross a mistake as 
that of his calling Lord Chancellor Arundel and Archbishop of Canter- 
bury, ' son of Robert Earl of Arundel and Warren' (see vol. i. p. 290) ; 
or that of Edmund Stafford, bishop of Exeter, brother oi the present earl ; 
or that of John Stafford, Archbishop of Canterbury, sou of the Earl of 
Stafford — vid. same vol. In his life of Wedderburn, Lord Chancellor 
Loughborough, he asserts 'there are overwhelming proofs the MS. of 
the celebrated Letters of Junius was delivered by Sir P. Francis to Wood- 
fall the publisher.' The editor of this book found, on repeated applications 
to Campbell for these proofs, his Lordship utterly unable to afford them, 
who made the most flimsy excuses for not giving them. In a number of 
Notes and Queries, he was challenged by another party to produce them, 
but without effect. ' Such want of accuracy is very damaging to his 
lordship as an author and historian, and tends to verify the complaints 
which have been made of the hasty and superficial manner in which he 
has compiled his biographies, especially the early chancellors. He is 
blamed, too, for want of candour in acknowledging his obligations to 
other authors and quotations from their works, and for the absence of a 
complete and uniform statement of proofs and authorities. He has culpably 
neglected original records and authorities, and has copied wholesale 
from Godwin } s Catalogue of Bishops, unwinnowed of its numerous errors.' 
—See Gent. Mag. for 1848. 

Foss, also, in his admirable work On tlie Judges of England, points 
out many instances of Lord Campbell's inaccuracy. Still, it must be 
allowed Campbell 's Lives of ' tJie Chancellors and Chief Justices, with all 
their defects, are writings of great merit, and contain much valuable his- 
torical information. 

( a36 ) The first state lottery mentioned in English history began draw- 
ing at the western door of St. Paul's Cathedral, January n, 1569, and 
continued day and night until May 6 following. It contained 40,000 lots 
at 10s. each lot. The profits were for repairing the fortifications on the 
coast of England, and the prizes were pieces of plate. The first lottery for 
sums of money took place in 1630. .Lotteries were established in 1693, 
and for more than 130 years yielded a large annual revenue to the crown. 
They were altogether abolished in this country by 6 Geo. IV. c. 60 (1826', 
the last public lottery having been drawn October 18, 1826. 

( 1W ) The earliest notice of proxies found recorded in the Rolls of Parlia- 
ment is in 35 Edward I. at the Parliament at Carlisle. Selden, in his 
Privileges of the Baronage, says, ' The first mention of proxies that 
occurs in the memories of our Parliament is of Carlisle under Edward I.' 
See also the First Report of the Committee on the Dignity of a Peer, in 



xxviii Notes. 



which, after referring to the Parliament at Carlisle, are the following 
words : — ' From these entries it appears that the personal attendance of 
individuals was generally dispensed with, on their sending procurators to 
answer for them.' 

" The Bank of England incorporated by Royal Charter in 1694. 
The charter, as is well known, has been frequently renewed and extended. 
In 1696 the Bank suspended cash payments, but having recovered from a 
temporary pressure, flourished greatly until again compelled, by the drain 
upon its resources caused by the French war at the close of the last cen- 
tury, to suspend cash payments, for which an Order in Council appeared 
February 27, 1797, when notes of one and two pounds were put into 
circulation and made a legal tender. Cash payments were resumed 
partially in 1817, and the restriction altogether ceased in 1821. 

Well known to Cambridge men, and famous for rearing geese. 

A celebrated Roman physician, styled the Hippocrates of the 
Latins. His work De JMedicina, in eight books, evinces extensive erudi- 
tion and is much admired for its purity of language. 

( 141 ) In 1801, Moore produced the Odes of Anacreon, which he had 
composed while at college, which acquired for him the title of ' Ana- 
creon Moore.' He soon afterwards brought out The Poetical Works of 
Thomas Little, and Odes and Epistles, which latter Jeffrey, then the 
editor of the Edinburgh Review, having severely criticised, led to the 
1 bloodless duel,' which caused the above epigram, and which provoked 
Lord Byron's satire in his English Bards and Scotch Reviewers : 

c Can none remember that eventful day, 
That even glorious, almost fatal fray, 
When Little's leadless pistol met his eye.' 
&C. &C. &c. 

( 14= * Famous for his quack medicines. 

( 143 ) In 1739, this inflammable aeriform fluid was first evolved from coal, 
and in 18 14 gas-lights became general in London, and were soon after- 
wards used in most other places. 

( 144 ) George Stephenson, the father of English railroads, in 1815 dis- 
covered the steam blast, and ' applied it in the construction of a second 
engine, and in 1829 he employed a multitubular boiler in the Rocket, 
which proved the victor in the competition of engines held at Rainhill in 
October of that year, attaining a maximum speed of 28 miles per hour, 
and an average of 15. The Liverpool and Manchester Railway, the first 
public line worked by steam power in 1830. 



Notes. 
>"^x 

'--' M. Daguerre made his discoveries known in 1839. By tin 
cess the pictures of the camera lucida are rendered permanent. 

;*" : The result of a late division on Church-rates in the House 
Commons, equality of votes on either side, cannot but be said to cons 
tute between Churchmen and Dissenters a connection which may be col 
sidered as forming a most intimate tie. After repeated efforts to carry 
a motion for their abolition, Sir J. S. Trelawnyhas signified his intention 
to abandon the measure altogether. 

-'" This epigram was composed when the expense of incorporation — 
a process sometimes resorted to by alumni of Trinity College, Dublin — 
was raised. 

148 When young, Lord W. L. constructed this unreadable novel, the 
plot being borrowed from Bulwer, and the scenes from G. P. R. James. 
This contrivance did not induce anyone but reviewers to read the book. 

Fourth Duke of Newcastle. EL P. P. Clinton, K.G. 

13 In England there were few paved streets before Henry VII. 's 
reign. London first paved about 1533. Wood pavement commenced in 
1839. This kind of paving not answering the expectations of its advo- 
cates, the streets which were laid down with wood have been all taken up. 

1 According to Mc Adam's invention, excellent roads were formed 
by laying down layers of broken granite, or other hard stone, which be- 
came hardened into a solid mass by the traffic passing over them. For 
his invention Government granted him 10,000/. and offered him a 
baronetcy, which honour he declined.' 

- : - The Pope in 1850 issued the bull establishing a Roman Catholic 
Hierarchy in England, and soon afterwards Wiseman was created Arch- 
bishop of Westminster. Great agitation in this country ensued in conse- 
quence, and caused the Ecclesiastical Titles' Bill to be passed. 

133 Dr. Bull, who held so many preferments, died in 1858, aged 68. 

"-"' A successful subaqueous telegraph was laid in 1858 across the At- 
lantic Ocean, connecting Ireland and Ameriea ; and the first public 
despatch, a message from Queen Victoria to President Buchanan, was 
received August 17, and the cable continued effective until September 1st 
of that year, when the signals became unintelligible. It is "to be hoped 
this grand scheme of uniting Europe and America by an electric telegraph 
will still be fully accomplished, and made as available as other submarine 
telegraphs, when improvements have been made in the machinery to be 
employed. A new Atlantic telegraph cable is now constructing. — See 
the Railway News. 



xxx Notes. 

( 135 ) A revolution having broken out at Naples, the king, Francis II., 
fled to Gaeta September 7, i860, which was besieged by the Sardinian 
army, and surrendered February 14, 1861. 

( 15e ) Snarly Vow, or The Dog Fiend, one of the very best of Captain 
Marryatt's novels. 

( 157 ) The well-known legend of M. Manlius, the saviour of the Roman 
capitol : see a full account of this in LyddelVs History of Rome, vol. i. 
p. 169. At the present time no one can doubt, but for a considerable force 
of French soldiers being stationed in Rome, the temporal power of the 
pope (Pius IX.) would soon be at an end in the 'Eternal City.' As it 
will shortly be withdrawn, and His Holiness will then have to depend upon 
mercenary troops, it remains to be seen how long the corruptions of his 
government will be tolerated by a people who expelled him in 1848. 

( 158 ) The French eagle. The standard of the eagle first borne by the 
Persians, and adopted by the Romans 102 B.C. The eagle was the im- 
perial standard of Napoleon I. and is that of Napoleon III. The double- 
headed eagle is used by Austria, Russia, and Prussia. ' The golden 
eagle, which glittered in the front of the legion, was the object of the 
fondest devotion of the Roman troops.' — Gibbon, ch. i. 

( 139 ) The great opponent of church rates in the House of Commons. 



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SELECT CRITICAL OPINIONS. 



c While older readers instinctively i 
recur to the Experience of Life as foremost ' 
in excellence and wisdom among the ! 
writings of the present Author, her young I 
admirers will as instinctively recal Lane- 
ton Parsonage as their prime favourite. | 
Youthful readers can scarcely enter 
critically into the fineness of outline and i 
the delicacy of finish which mark each cha- ! 
racter, the exquisite mosaic inlaying: the whole 
production [Laneton Parsonage], but they can ] 
unconsciously appreciate the result. They I 
feel that the children who are made for the \ 
time their companions are realities in their ; 
goodness and their naughtiness ; and high as I 
is the standard set before them, they are taught I 
and made to feel that by following the path 
tracked out the high prize may be obtained. 
To the thoroughness and integrity, the abso- 
lute rectitude inculcated in thought, word, 
and deed, and to the tender charity exteuded 
to the erring and repentant, we are inclined 
to attribute the hold these works take on 
readers of all classes and all ages. The pure 
transparent sincerity tells even on those 
who are apt to find any work whose aim and 
object are religious, heavy* and uninteresting. 
The republication of these works in an easily 
accessible form is a benefit of which we cannot 
ova-estimate the solid advantages.'' Globe. I 



'If there is just cause for complaining 
that members of the Church of England 
too often confound the sign with the 
thing signified, and have a name tliat 
they live ichile they are spiritually dead, 
the reason for such a sad state of things 
cannot be found in any general ignorance 
of what true religion is. If descrip- 
tions of the divine life were confined to books 
of devotion, or locked up in abstruse theo- 
logical treatises, the case would be different ; 
but the volumes now before us prove in 
what attractive forms genuine godliness is 
displayed. The accomplished and pious 
authoress of Amy Herbert has told many 
captivating tales, but there is not one of them 
which leaves the reader in doubt as to wiiat 
real religion is, as taught in the Bible, and 
exhibited in the formularies of the Church- 
We embrace this opportunity of re- 
commending to the clergy these valuable 
tales. They can much serve the good canst 
by turning the taste of readers of fiction into* 
the healthy channels here provided for it 
"Works like these, if judiciously circulated in 
parishes, cannot fail to strengthen that im- 
portant and desirable conviction, that man's 
chief end is to glorify GocL that he may enjoy 
Him for ever.' Clerical Journal, 



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